I got banned from seeing my friend

At this point in life I have 3 friends. 2 of them are older than me (50+) and I look up to them like mentors. I don’t filter anything or hold back.
these are guys I share everything with in person when I’m in town. They know my struggles and my financial dreams and plans. They give me straight advice and lift me up. I share the gory details with them and it has been really helpful.

this past week one of them my mentor (50+) got his phone taken by his wife and she saw all of our text messages and basically kicked my friends ass. Then told him I was banned from their house or even being his friend. My friend is crushed. He deletes our conversations daily he says because he doesn’t want his wife to see how he is helping me (and sometimes just feeling my emotions when I act out). Meaning he might say something like “go get one for me” or something like that.

He says his wife didn’t read my texts to him, just his texts back to me asking what happened how I was dealing with being on the road etc. I told him and some of his texts were guy talk “don’t feel bad bro you are doing way better than I did at your age..” kinda stuff.

now after all this wife accused him of being gay. He was already not getting any love at the house. He is not any kind of porn or sex addict like me. He is just a really dedicated dad who doesn’t want to divorce and stay with and for his kids.

I have to see them at church... what do I do??

 

To his wife ?? Mmm I guess so yes. A risky parlay to be sure ...

 

off? I don’t understand?

 

Am I shocked? Yes. Shocked for different reasons.

1). I Am her friend in the sense I know everyone at church. But only 2 people know me—he’s one of them. She is also friends with my wife (separated) and my wife doesn’t tell her anything.

2). Is she right ? If the objective is to “protect” her husband from me being a bad influence then she is right. He is the men’s ministry director... he’s supposed to influence me, and that’s why I went to him in the first place. The thing is that this is a double edged sword and he shared stuff with me he obviously isn’t comfortable sharing with his wife. She bullies him apparently and now she can’t hide that.

3). Better or worse husband ? I think his marriage was already a show before I opened up to him —- it’s just more obvious to his wife after reading his texts that he is conscious of how shallow it is.

i feel bad for him because I had the courage to separate while I get my life back. Albeit it’s not a quick fix but it’s honest. My friend is now how I used to be ... limping along and hiding his true frustrations. It just was revealed in a way that proves he’s LIKE me spiritually even though he doesn’t act on anything.

Edit: When I was in his position I just called myself a hypocrite and challenged my faith , walked away from my marriage vows and started acting out. He has kept up the charade and stayed in.

 

you know this is a hard thing to respond to. This guy used to be a bodybuilder and has admitted his wife’s verbal treatment has reduced his self esteem to squat. I identify with that. I wish I could find a guy I could relate with from an addict perspective that has a marriage I admire. I just see problems with everyone’s relationship — even if they are married. Many people stay married, unhappily for the kids sake.

 

Yes but how do I approach his wife? Pretend I’m respecting her wishes and not talking to him? Ignore how she is behind closed doors ? You know how we “Christians” can be two-faced but we don’t admit it.

i have been struggling on how to face her. The irony is ... she met with my wife and went out for bday dinner. I assume they talked but you know she’s coming from a different place.

 

Because she got to see who he really was in answering my texts.

 

i took your advice. Yesterday she didn’t say much. My friend didn’t go to church. Just his wife ... but she didn’t say anything.

 

I

im 38. He is in the 50’s the wife is in the 40’s.

 

I have to say the part about failed marriage is a tough cookie to swallow. Especially when it is revealed in front of others.

 

i know In Lala land men talk to each other about difficult topics. Encouragement, laughter, straight talk, compassionate feedback ,
Etc.

but when sex addicts talk to each other openly — what do their wives THINK they say?

this is the problem I see. Women assume in the private circle mentors just beat up other recovering people for their misbeliefs.

That’s not at all how I have seen any SA meeting happen... IMAGINE if the wives were to be present....wouldn’t the meeting change dramatically??​