20 years old me needs help. NoFap or Jail, or my life falling appart

Hello everyone

I'm Arthur.
I'm French (doing my best to avoid english mistakes), but living in Brussels, Belgium.


I'm 20 years old, and I'm fully, deeply, addicted to masturbation, porn, and have had a particularly large problem around watching and consuming illegal content online these last years.
And now that I'm thinking on it, other VERY weird behaviors with people (girls essencially as i'm straight) during my puberty...

These behaviors, and my consumption/addiction to illegal porn content, should have gotten me into a sea of trouble a thousand times, but I don't know by what miracle it did not happened yet (I feel I don't deserve that luck).
I should either be in jail, or be rejected from everywhere and everyone right know.


I think I've watched my first porn content at around 12 years old, even thought I was doing "softcore" before that through books, pictures of girls in my school and stuff.
Since then, I've been watching porn, and masturbating, EXPONENTIALLY.
To the point where I spend around 2,5 hours a day on porn + mastrubation, and mastrubates an average of 3 to 4 times a day.



What impact is all of this having on my life right now ?

Okay so on a relationship perspective first :



I have a girlfriend, We've been together since 3 and a half year (since today).
My girlfriend has been having weight problems these last two years.
And the more I watched porn, and the most intense it was, the less attractive she seemed to me, and more was my frustration with her about her body.
Several times, I was on the edge of cheating on her.

What an asshole I am right ?


Another effect it had on me (on a same level of importance I think):

I'm isolating from people more and more, from my family, from my friends, from most of my social circles.

Now on a more personal perspective:

The effect it has on my projects and goals:

So long story short, I'm an entrepreneur, and I droped out of college because It felt not right for me, last year.

I decided to go back live with my parents for convenience, so that I could focus 100% on my Business projects. So the goal of this year for me is to come out with something ongoing at the end of the year. My parents are highly sceptical on what i'm doing (dropping out and stuff) and I've basically had to make an agreement with them that If I had not a good salary at the end of the years through my business, I will have to go back to business School (which to me means THE END OF THE WORLD for real).

And porn, is not only slowing me down, it's literrally seeking out every once of energy, motivation, sense of awarness, and progress, out of what I'm trying to accomplish on my day to day life.



Now the effect of porn on an emotional aspect:

Well, it's bad. Really bad.

1- I'm loosing every sense of confidence in myself, slowly, but surely, and I can feel it deepdown.

2- I hate myself and have VERY little selfesteem. And a lot of that has to do with the porn and the illegal stuff I'm consuming.

3- Feeling less like a human

4- Growing stress and anxiety (fear of getting "caught", weither it's by my girlfriend, my family, or by the police).

5- Loosing self awarness/ existential crisis : I no longer really know who I am, or what I'm doing with my life.


And last but not least : the phisical effects:

1- Feeling tired all the time

2- no energy

3- bad sleep, need for more sleep

4- Unable to focus, brain fogs




Now to the reason I'm deciding to change : It can no longer continue like this.

For all of what's hapenning to me described above, this has to stop.

So today, I'm turning to you NoFap.

I'm turnign to you for help, for testimonies, for anything you feel could bring me any sort of value.

I would feel unbealivably gratefull for any reply, any output, from anyone, so please, please don't hesitate.


Now a quick side note before I end this already way too long text :

One of the main reason I want to quit, is because this is not me guys.

I'm a good person deepdown, I love people, I love helping, I love thinking, I love life, nature, experiences, so many things !

No really, I know that deepdown, I'm a great guy. I do jiu jitsu (and it's my passion so please if you're into martial arts, please come ) ), I'm doing design because I love it, I compose on the piano ect...

So all that to explain that I know That deepdown I can be amazing, but Porn and addiction is really fucking everything up.....

 

Thank you for your kind answer men really.

the things that impacted me the most in your message :

-- avoid triggers so get rid of hot girl accounts on facebook, insta etcetera. Don't visit forums with any nsfw content.
- have a combat plan. If you feel the urge, know something else to do instead. Walk the dog, get tea, read a book. I watched TED talks during the first few weeks .. hundreds ..
- don't expect quick results. This is a transition in your life.
- pmo addiction indeed limits my entreprenurial abilities.


I'll surely keep them in mind.

Wish you the best, have a fantastic day.