What happened to me? Please help!

Steel03lo · Dec 3, 2019

At 23 years old I just sadly realized something bad happened to me when I was younger. I have severe anxiety that I didn’t always have. I just realized it’s been my anxiety causing me all of the pain and discomfort all of these years. I don’t remember having anxiety until I was in the second grade. Since I was so young I didn’t even know it was anxiety. But before that there was no anxiety. There is no off for my anxiety it is in full rage mode all the time and I have to constantly fight it. It causes me a lot of pain and discomfort. I went to see doctors and even to the emergency room because of the pain and discomfort my anxiety caused me at a young age. Since I didn’t know what anxiety was and the doctors couldn’t find anything they just gave me pain medication.
The worst part is that I have severe social anxiety. My anxiety is bad even when I’m around family at times. Everyone always says I’m “just quiet, anti-social, or shy”. When it’s always been my anxiety.
My anxiety is the worst towards girls. It was not always this way. When I was young I had girls that I was close friends with and there was no anxiety. Now I get a sick/bad feeling when interacting with girls lots of times. Girls always took it as I didn’t like them but it was my anxiety acting up. I actually feel like girls don’t like me and that they don’t want to talk to me, so I limit my interactions with them. I feel like if I were to go up to a girl she would say something very mean or nasty to me all the time. I’d think about going up to a girl, but it was like she’s just going to look at me crazy or say something mean to me. And this was every girl and all the time. That didn’t turn out well for me at all. Once I got to the age where I would have liked to talk to girls and date them my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. And again it was not always this way for me.
I keep asking myself what happened for me to end up like this.
Since I felt girls wouldn’t like me I got hooked to porn for sex and excitement in my life. Once I really wanted to have sex I turned to prostitutes. I lost my virginity to prostitute in a crappy motel. Prostitutes were the only way I interacted with women sexually until I got caught and arrested for it. Even with prostitutes I was still in pain and discomfort. I pretty much masturbated daily for nearly 8 years. It was like porn was the thing that took all the bs away. Porn was the only time I really felt good and there was no anxiety. I got deeper and deeper into porn until I got addicted to crossdresser porn. That sadly led me to having sex with men dressed as women and me even playing the role of the woman at times. I sadly performed foot porn stuff with guys dressed because of my foot fetish. I was watching foot porn for hours daily. I seriously regret all of this and it makes me sick to my stomach. In my mind it was like this is the closest thing I can get to an actual woman without paying and risking jail time. My anxiety towards all girls is just that bad.
I have no friends at all. Everyone always thought I was shy or anti-social. But it was just my anxiety.
At 23 I’ve never been on a date and I just asked a girl out for the first time in my life. Even then while talking to her my anxiety was in full rage mode. I was sweating, my heart was pounding and I had this bad feeling on the inside.
What’s even worse is now I think I might be gay. I think I’m attracted to guys but I don’t want to have sex with them. In school I don’t remember finding guys attractive. I didn’t have any close friends that were girls because of my anxiety towards them. I think about having sex with a guy and it never feels right. I think about being in a relationship with a guy and it never feels right. My porn addiction started with foot porn since I have a foot fetish and now I’m at gay porn. I remember finding guy on guy porn disgusting. But now it’s all crossdresser and transgendered person porn. I’m constantly watching guys get pounded by transgendered people and getting turned on by it. Or I’m watching guys dressed as women have sex with men. I’ve never been interested in guys sexually only girls. Am I in denial or is my mind messed up? I’ve spent the bulk of my time around guys because I feel little to no anxiety around them. I’ve never had any romantic or sexual feelings towards guys though. It’s like I never stood a chance with girls. I want to be with girls but now I’m so messed up I don’t know anymore. If you read all of that thanks. If you reply I truly do appreciate it. I’m as lost as I’ve been in my life. I just have no one to go to. I’m trying to quit porn but it feels like that is all I have that’s good in my life. Thanks again.

Deleted Account · Dec 3, 2019

Steel03lo said: ↑

Thanks again.
Click to expand...

You are not alone .

Look for things that make you happy in life.

Anxiety is not worth it.

Much love .

Deleted Account · Dec 3, 2019

Steel03lo said: ↑

I’m so messed up
Click to expand...

YOU NEED TO DROP THAT LABEL YOUR A HUMAN BEING NOT HUMAN PERFECTION DONT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, Tell me how on earth would labeling yourself as messed up HELP ? answer , it keeps you in the victim mode . You cant find love if you dont love yourself that means excepting all of YOU the good and the bad . stay strong

Deleted Account · Dec 3, 2019

Porn producers and whoever is pushing this crap should go to jail for life, so many people's lives are ruined because of it. And the worst part is that most of us get addicted as children and only when we grow up to the effects hit us. You can recover man just stay away from this crap.

Souvent08 · Dec 3, 2019

Hey, it seems that you are realizing that your life is not heading to where you want it. That’s something that alot of people don’t realize at your age. Your brain is still developing... you are still maturing. It will be difficult but you can start the journey to a life where you are in control.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think that helps people and it helps me realize that I am doing the right thing by staying away from PMO. I invite you to do the same. Just be nice and kind to yourself! I don’t know much about anxiety and I’m sorry you are going through that. Let me ask you one question though, do you love yourself? Why or why not? If you dont then it’s a good time to start loving yourself for who you are.

ChaserKnight · Dec 9, 2019

Hi, I can relate to what you said, my story is also kind of similar to you, but I am now 31 years old, and I was addicted to porn since I was 14. After many years, I got into sissy porn, and started wearing women's panties, and my addiction went downhill from there. I started watching some really weird things that I don't want to mention here. It makes me feel so disgusted now when I think about the stuff I used to watch. I never had a girlfriend, never went on a date, never even touched or kissed a girl. I am basically and 31 years old virgin because of porn. But after some tries and failed attempts on NoFap now I am on day 24 of NoFap. I completely stopped watching porn around 4 months ago and deleted all the porn collection I had. Now I am feeling much better as a person and hoping for a better future. So I would suggest you to stay strong and start loving yourself. Self love is something I still struggle with, but I hope I will get better at it in future as my porn addicted mind heals. I wish all the best to you.

Metis07 · Dec 9, 2019

What helps with anxiety:
- nofap
- sports/just walking or both
- mindfulness exercises (you can find in YouTube)
- cold showers
- self analysis (journaling your day, your emotions in some calm place daily)
- meditation
- consultation (psychotherapy)

Pmo/alcohol/drugs/video games help to numb feelings, but then it will hit you much worse, so try to cope with your negative feelings in a healthy way, firstly accept them as they are.

Next step (only when you are ready, maybe 2-3 months of doing stuff of this list) try to step out of your comfort zone little by little - for example if you are afraid of asking girls out, do it (even with intention of being rejected), start with someone you know and feel not so uncomfortable, then you can continue with more difficult ‘task’, like complete stranger. Do it for yourself - life free from pmo and anxiety/fears is much better

g2stop · Dec 9, 2019

Hey, this is a common story. Porn just really fucks you up so you don’t know who you are anymore. Stop porn, start meditating, start exercise. You will soon find your true self again and be a lot more happy.

fedmom · Dec 9, 2019

Steel03lo said: ↑

At 23 years old I just sadly realized something bad happened to me when I was younger. I have severe anxiety that I didn’t always have. I just realized it’s been my anxiety causing me all of the pain and discomfort all of these years. I don’t remember having anxiety until I was in the second grade. Since I was so young I didn’t even know it was anxiety. But before that there was no anxiety. There is no off for my anxiety it is in full rage mode all the time and I have to constantly fight it. It causes me a lot of pain and discomfort. I went to see doctors and even to the emergency room because of the pain and discomfort my anxiety caused me at a young age. Since I didn’t know what anxiety was and the doctors couldn’t find anything they just gave me pain medication.
The worst part is that I have severe social anxiety. My anxiety is bad even when I’m around family at times. Everyone always says I’m “just quiet, anti-social, or shy”. When it’s always been my anxiety.
My anxiety is the worst towards girls. It was not always this way. When I was young I had girls that I was close friends with and there was no anxiety. Now I get a sick/bad feeling when interacting with girls lots of times. Girls always took it as I didn’t like them but it was my anxiety acting up. I actually feel like girls don’t like me and that they don’t want to talk to me, so I limit my interactions with them. I feel like if I were to go up to a girl she would say something very mean or nasty to me all the time. I’d think about going up to a girl, but it was like she’s just going to look at me crazy or say something mean to me. And this was every girl and all the time. That didn’t turn out well for me at all. Once I got to the age where I would have liked to talk to girls and date them my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. And again it was not always this way for me.
I keep asking myself what happened for me to end up like this.
Since I felt girls wouldn’t like me I got hooked to porn for sex and excitement in my life. Once I really wanted to have sex I turned to prostitutes. I lost my virginity to prostitute in a crappy motel. Prostitutes were the only way I interacted with women sexually until I got caught and arrested for it. Even with prostitutes I was still in pain and discomfort. I pretty much masturbated daily for nearly 8 years. It was like porn was the thing that took all the bs away. Porn was the only time I really felt good and there was no anxiety. I got deeper and deeper into porn until I got addicted to crossdresser porn. That sadly led me to having sex with men dressed as women and me even playing the role of the woman at times. I sadly performed foot porn stuff with guys dressed because of my foot fetish. I was watching foot porn for hours daily. I seriously regret all of this and it makes me sick to my stomach. In my mind it was like this is the closest thing I can get to an actual woman without paying and risking jail time. My anxiety towards all girls is just that bad.
I have no friends at all. Everyone always thought I was shy or anti-social. But it was just my anxiety.
At 23 I’ve never been on a date and I just asked a girl out for the first time in my life. Even then while talking to her my anxiety was in full rage mode. I was sweating, my heart was pounding and I had this bad feeling on the inside.
What’s even worse is now I think I might be gay. I think I’m attracted to guys but I don’t want to have sex with them. In school I don’t remember finding guys attractive. I didn’t have any close friends that were girls because of my anxiety towards them. I think about having sex with a guy and it never feels right. I think about being in a relationship with a guy and it never feels right. My porn addiction started with foot porn since I have a foot fetish and now I’m at gay porn. I remember finding guy on guy porn disgusting. But now it’s all crossdresser and transgendered person porn. I’m constantly watching guys get pounded by transgendered people and getting turned on by it. Or I’m watching guys dressed as women have sex with men. I’ve never been interested in guys sexually only girls. Am I in denial or is my mind messed up? I’ve spent the bulk of my time around guys because I feel little to no anxiety around them. I’ve never had any romantic or sexual feelings towards guys though. It’s like I never stood a chance with girls. I want to be with girls but now I’m so messed up I don’t know anymore. If you read all of that thanks. If you reply I truly do appreciate it. I’m as lost as I’ve been in my life. I just have no one to go to. I’m trying to quit porn but it feels like that is all I have that’s good in my life. Thanks again.
Click to expand...

There's a thread in my profile that might work for the anxiety and the fetish.

ANewFocus · Dec 10, 2019

Steel03lo said: ↑

At 23 years old I just sadly realized something bad happened to me when I was younger. I have severe anxiety that I didn’t always have. I just realized it’s been my anxiety causing me all of the pain and discomfort all of these years. I don’t remember having anxiety until I was in the second grade. Since I was so young I didn’t even know it was anxiety. But before that there was no anxiety. There is no off for my anxiety it is in full rage mode all the time and I have to constantly fight it. It causes me a lot of pain and discomfort. I went to see doctors and even to the emergency room because of the pain and discomfort my anxiety caused me at a young age. Since I didn’t know what anxiety was and the doctors couldn’t find anything they just gave me pain medication.
The worst part is that I have severe social anxiety. My anxiety is bad even when I’m around family at times. Everyone always says I’m “just quiet, anti-social, or shy”. When it’s always been my anxiety.
My anxiety is the worst towards girls. It was not always this way. When I was young I had girls that I was close friends with and there was no anxiety. Now I get a sick/bad feeling when interacting with girls lots of times. Girls always took it as I didn’t like them but it was my anxiety acting up. I actually feel like girls don’t like me and that they don’t want to talk to me, so I limit my interactions with them. I feel like if I were to go up to a girl she would say something very mean or nasty to me all the time. I’d think about going up to a girl, but it was like she’s just going to look at me crazy or say something mean to me. And this was every girl and all the time. That didn’t turn out well for me at all. Once I got to the age where I would have liked to talk to girls and date them my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. And again it was not always this way for me.
I keep asking myself what happened for me to end up like this.
Since I felt girls wouldn’t like me I got hooked to porn for sex and excitement in my life. Once I really wanted to have sex I turned to prostitutes. I lost my virginity to prostitute in a crappy motel. Prostitutes were the only way I interacted with women sexually until I got caught and arrested for it. Even with prostitutes I was still in pain and discomfort. I pretty much masturbated daily for nearly 8 years. It was like porn was the thing that took all the bs away. Porn was the only time I really felt good and there was no anxiety. I got deeper and deeper into porn until I got addicted to crossdresser porn. That sadly led me to having sex with men dressed as women and me even playing the role of the woman at times. I sadly performed foot porn stuff with guys dressed because of my foot fetish. I was watching foot porn for hours daily. I seriously regret all of this and it makes me sick to my stomach. In my mind it was like this is the closest thing I can get to an actual woman without paying and risking jail time. My anxiety towards all girls is just that bad.
I have no friends at all. Everyone always thought I was shy or anti-social. But it was just my anxiety.
At 23 I’ve never been on a date and I just asked a girl out for the first time in my life. Even then while talking to her my anxiety was in full rage mode. I was sweating, my heart was pounding and I had this bad feeling on the inside.
What’s even worse is now I think I might be gay. I think I’m attracted to guys but I don’t want to have sex with them. In school I don’t remember finding guys attractive. I didn’t have any close friends that were girls because of my anxiety towards them. I think about having sex with a guy and it never feels right. I think about being in a relationship with a guy and it never feels right. My porn addiction started with foot porn since I have a foot fetish and now I’m at gay porn. I remember finding guy on guy porn disgusting. But now it’s all crossdresser and transgendered person porn. I’m constantly watching guys get pounded by transgendered people and getting turned on by it. Or I’m watching guys dressed as women have sex with men. I’ve never been interested in guys sexually only girls. Am I in denial or is my mind messed up? I’ve spent the bulk of my time around guys because I feel little to no anxiety around them. I’ve never had any romantic or sexual feelings towards guys though. It’s like I never stood a chance with girls. I want to be with girls but now I’m so messed up I don’t know anymore. If you read all of that thanks. If you reply I truly do appreciate it. I’m as lost as I’ve been in my life. I just have no one to go to. I’m trying to quit porn but it feels like that is all I have that’s good in my life. Thanks again.
Click to expand...

Live each day to make it better than your past days. It won’t always be better, but you’ll get enough better days that it will add up to a much better life. I can see you’re hurting. Don’t give up. You can have the life you want.

Willexpert · Dec 10, 2019

Hey,

Imagine a brain that has evolved to look for 4 essential things (according to me).
1. Reproduction and access to females
2. Self-preservation, when your brain is constantly looking up for "safe or danger"
3. Food, especially fatty and sugary (optimise survival as fatty and sugary food wasn't so available in our natural environment)
4. Social approval/social status, we all want to be loved and be appreciated

Imagine now, unlimited access to sugary/fatty or sexual content (the brain doesn't really know what's real and what's not). Imagine now based on an addiction, people will judge you (which brings us to number 4), not being socially approved result to...ANXIETY."Danger" mode kicks in and you try to avoid social interaction by fear and pain of being judged (emotional pain equal physical pain).

I'd love to message you because I can definitely help you! I went through foot fetish addiction and anxiety! Now...Couldn't care any less what people think and I understand how to get a good balance in my life. So I am super happy and have the success I wanted.

But...Porn addiction/social anxiety is a plague!!!!

dboy18 · Dec 10, 2019

Steel03lo said: ↑

At 23 years old I just sadly realized something bad happened to me when I was younger. I have severe anxiety that I didn’t always have. I just realized it’s been my anxiety causing me all of the pain and discomfort all of these years. I don’t remember having anxiety until I was in the second grade. Since I was so young I didn’t even know it was anxiety. But before that there was no anxiety. There is no off for my anxiety it is in full rage mode all the time and I have to constantly fight it. It causes me a lot of pain and discomfort. I went to see doctors and even to the emergency room because of the pain and discomfort my anxiety caused me at a young age. Since I didn’t know what anxiety was and the doctors couldn’t find anything they just gave me pain medication.
The worst part is that I have severe social anxiety. My anxiety is bad even when I’m around family at times. Everyone always says I’m “just quiet, anti-social, or shy”. When it’s always been my anxiety.
My anxiety is the worst towards girls. It was not always this way. When I was young I had girls that I was close friends with and there was no anxiety. Now I get a sick/bad feeling when interacting with girls lots of times. Girls always took it as I didn’t like them but it was my anxiety acting up. I actually feel like girls don’t like me and that they don’t want to talk to me, so I limit my interactions with them. I feel like if I were to go up to a girl she would say something very mean or nasty to me all the time. I’d think about going up to a girl, but it was like she’s just going to look at me crazy or say something mean to me. And this was every girl and all the time. That didn’t turn out well for me at all. Once I got to the age where I would have liked to talk to girls and date them my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. And again it was not always this way for me.
I keep asking myself what happened for me to end up like this.
Since I felt girls wouldn’t like me I got hooked to porn for sex and excitement in my life. Once I really wanted to have sex I turned to prostitutes. I lost my virginity to prostitute in a crappy motel. Prostitutes were the only way I interacted with women sexually until I got caught and arrested for it. Even with prostitutes I was still in pain and discomfort. I pretty much masturbated daily for nearly 8 years. It was like porn was the thing that took all the bs away. Porn was the only time I really felt good and there was no anxiety. I got deeper and deeper into porn until I got addicted to crossdresser porn. That sadly led me to having sex with men dressed as women and me even playing the role of the woman at times. I sadly performed foot porn stuff with guys dressed because of my foot fetish. I was watching foot porn for hours daily. I seriously regret all of this and it makes me sick to my stomach. In my mind it was like this is the closest thing I can get to an actual woman without paying and risking jail time. My anxiety towards all girls is just that bad.
I have no friends at all. Everyone always thought I was shy or anti-social. But it was just my anxiety.
At 23 I’ve never been on a date and I just asked a girl out for the first time in my life. Even then while talking to her my anxiety was in full rage mode. I was sweating, my heart was pounding and I had this bad feeling on the inside.
What’s even worse is now I think I might be gay. I think I’m attracted to guys but I don’t want to have sex with them. In school I don’t remember finding guys attractive. I didn’t have any close friends that were girls because of my anxiety towards them. I think about having sex with a guy and it never feels right. I think about being in a relationship with a guy and it never feels right. My porn addiction started with foot porn since I have a foot fetish and now I’m at gay porn. I remember finding guy on guy porn disgusting. But now it’s all crossdresser and transgendered person porn. I’m constantly watching guys get pounded by transgendered people and getting turned on by it. Or I’m watching guys dressed as women have sex with men. I’ve never been interested in guys sexually only girls. Am I in denial or is my mind messed up? I’ve spent the bulk of my time around guys because I feel little to no anxiety around them. I’ve never had any romantic or sexual feelings towards guys though. It’s like I never stood a chance with girls. I want to be with girls but now I’m so messed up I don’t know anymore. If you read all of that thanks. If you reply I truly do appreciate it. I’m as lost as I’ve been in my life. I just have no one to go to. I’m trying to quit porn but it feels like that is all I have that’s good in my life. Thanks again.
Click to expand...

That's me man.

wallieboy92 · Dec 13, 2019

g2stop said: ↑

Hey, this is a common story. Porn just really fucks you up so you don’t know who you are anymore. Stop porn, start meditating, start exercise. You will soon find your true self again and be a lot more happy.
Click to expand...

It's true.

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What happened to me? Please help!

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