Late 20s, smut/erotica writer who wants to stop

Mister Y · Dec 3, 2019

Hello nofap. I've tried over the years, with varying degrees of success, to quit porn. For me it's not really so much porn, but the fact that I write erotica and I'm exceptionally good at it. Apart from the usual things that porn brings, it's a creative outlet, AND it's a cheat way to get intimacy with strangers online. All the other degenerates like you when you're a high quality creator. That sense of being valued by others is extremely addictive to me and something that I think I struggled with more than PMO. The reason I say this is because often I had no interest in PMO but I'd still be writing erotica. (I can write it without being 'in the mood') simply because I wanted company and someone who appreciated me. I could log into certain accounts on certain sites and people would talk to me, wanting me to roleplay or write, and that really meant something to me. This quadruple whammy of hooks in me has made it so hard.
Often I'll end up hating myself. I put my talents into this? Something I'd be ashamed to show anyone other than the circles of other degenerates. I've been doing it for my entire 20s, and a bit of porn before that, it was a kind of self medication due to bullying, abuse and neglect when I was younger. Instead of weed or some other drug, I turned to this.

Some times I figured that this habit was just my future now and the closest thing I'd get to intimacy (these thoughts are still very strong). But my life has improved in so many respects over the years, I've gone from having no (offline) friends, to having some very good friends. To being cripplingly depressed to the degree that I had virtually no self care, an eating disorder, and constant suicidal thoughts, to being somewhat functional. It'd be great if I could kick this too.

tangoalfaromeodelta · Dec 3, 2019

I totally get using porn to self-medicate. Really, I do. It's how I got so hopelessly hooked on it in the first place: porn was there for me when real people weren't. What's even more toxic for you is the social affirmation you have weaved into it: social acceptance is one of our most primal needs - almost as important as food and water. But it sounds like you've been working on yourself in the real world too and have other links outside of this stuff. That should make the process a little easier.

If you want to really want to quit, delete your accounts where you're known for writing that stuff. Burn the bridges. If you can't bring yourself to do that, make it harder for yourself to access your old accounts: change the password to some random combination of letters/numbers? Or something else? Get creative.

Turn that innate skill of yours in writing into a force for good: maybe write a novel, or a few short stories. As for the online affirmation perspective, maybe you could become a bit more active here. Or find some other on/offline social clubs to take part in - maybe for a (non-smut-related) hobby of yours? I really appreciate how hard it must be to walk away from these people that made you feel accepted for so long, but if you believe this habit is holding you back you have to do it.

You have to really believe in this, I suggest writing down a list of reasons of why you're doing this for whenever you're feeling weak. Best of luck.

Thomas Bowden · Dec 3, 2019

Mister Y said: ↑

Hello nofap. I've tried over the years, with varying degrees of success, to quit porn. For me it's not really so much porn, but the fact that I write erotica and I'm exceptionally good at it. Apart from the usual things that porn brings, it's a creative outlet, AND it's a cheat way to get intimacy with strangers online. All the other degenerates like you when you're a high quality creator. That sense of being valued by others is extremely addictive to me and something that I think I struggled with more than PMO. The reason I say this is because often I had no interest in PMO but I'd still be writing erotica. (I can write it without being 'in the mood') simply because I wanted company and someone who appreciated me. I could log into certain accounts on certain sites and people would talk to me, wanting me to roleplay or write, and that really meant something to me. This quadruple whammy of hooks in me has made it so hard.
Often I'll end up hating myself. I put my talents into this? Something I'd be ashamed to show anyone other than the circles of other degenerates. I've been doing it for my entire 20s, and a bit of porn before that, it was a kind of self medication due to bullying, abuse and neglect when I was younger. Instead of weed or some other drug, I turned to this.

Some times I figured that this habit was just my future now and the closest thing I'd get to intimacy (these thoughts are still very strong). But my life has improved in so many respects over the years, I've gone from having no (offline) friends, to having some very good friends. To being cripplingly depressed to the degree that I had virtually no self care, an eating disorder, and constant suicidal thoughts, to being somewhat functional. It'd be great if I could kick this too.
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If you're looking for more motivation to stop, consider the all the people who are being drawn in deeper by your stories. You're facilitating other people's addictions and misery. Probably plenty of kids among them.

I'm sure you're good at what you do, and it's been your life. You started off naively. But it's time to look at it maturely and admit that it's not just something embarrassing, something not good for you, it's evil. You're not just the addict, you're the manufacturer and supplier, and you put it out there for anyone. How many lives do you think you have helped to stagnate? Degrade? End? Stop if you have any conscience.

Having said that, you've said you want to stop and I respect that a lot. I don't mean to attack you, I'm just sharing my sincere point of view. And I hope it encourages you to do the right thing.

Mister Y · Dec 3, 2019

Thanks for your advice Tangoalfa.
I think your idea of writing down the reasons as an excersise against weakness is excellent. And yes, the social side makes it extra toxic. I'd been thinking that for a while but it's good to have someone else confirm it. Thomas, you're right. Fortunately I didn't publish my stuff really publically. It was a kind of private request thing. That's how it started, too, with a request.

Something important I suppose: I brought this erotic writing (and roleplaying) habit up with a therapist once, and I got 0 help with it. It was extremely hard to say and then I was basically told that I should accept this as like a hobby or something. That was 2 years ago. Not helpful at all I think.

Thomas Bowden · Dec 3, 2019

We live in sick times. People live long, sick lives. These problems are so widespread precisely because of inept authority figures like your therapist.

I'm glad that you placed some limitations on who could access your creations. I think you should look favourably on that, and I take back some of my condemnation. If anything is public, you should take it down.

And I'm sorry that you have been struggling, looking for help and not getting it. Unfortunately that's how it goes for some. But we can all choose to start doing what is right, and I hope that in itself will start to make you feel better.

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Late 20s, smut/erotica writer who wants to stop

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