Espi1971 Goals

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
-- Buddha

Goal 1. Continue living life with 100% honesty (this is new for me). No lies. Ever. No exceptions.

Goal 2. Start thinking about what I REALLY want to do with the remaining years of my life. I'm 48 years old and I have nothing to lose by trying.

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life. This means I want a true connection with family and friends. I haven't seen my 2 sisters in 5+ years; haven't seen or spoken to my brother in 20+ years; and, I haven't seen or spoken to my stepfather in 5+ years. On the plus side: I have made 2 friends in the past 2-3 months.

Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. I was separated for 13 months prior to my divorce on December 3, 2019. I want to share my life with a woman of exceptional beauty, strength, and character. I want to take my time and really get to know her and share life with her. I feel like the most important quality that I have to offer is 100% honesty: No lies. No exceptions. Ever. I want the same quality from my partner. I will be at least 100 days PMO before I consider having sex with a woman, and I want to have sex only with the woman I intend to marry. I am 48 years old, and have no children, yet I see myself being a loving husband and father/stepfather, the protector of my family, and I want to receive and offer unconditional love and support from family. I am attracted to women between the ages of 28-50, and I am OK if the woman I love and wish to marry already has/doesn't want to have to have more/cannot bear children, as long as I feel close to, am welcomed, accepted and respected as a loving, supportive member of her family. And I want her to have the same desire and expectation towards my family.

I am willing to go out of town/state/country to meet the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life).

Goal 6. Consider a 401(k) loan.

Goal 7. Repair vehicle.

Goal 8. Explore other job opportunities. I have been with the same company for almost 5 years now, but work has been a real struggle lately. Business has been very slow over the past few months. The company has laid off dozens of workers and still appears to be downsizing. I'm suffering financially, and I have zero savings. I fear I could be fired/laid off after the new year, so updating my resume and looking for jobs NOW alleviates the stress and feels somewhat empowering.

Goal 9. Update my resume with 100% honesty.

Goal 10. Finish the 100-day Spartan Challenge on nofap.com, via hard mode: no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm.

Goal 11. Explore moving to another city/state/country.

Goal 12. Start thinking about dating.

Goal 13. Visit my family members in Ohio.

Goal 14. Do what it takes to ensure that my credit is 100% clean.

Goal 15. Assume financial responsibility for my auto insurance. I am still on my ex-wife's auto insurance policy. Next payment is due 12/28/19.

Goal 16. Increase my 401(k) contribution from 3% to 10%. After year 5 with my company (February 22, 2020), I will be 100% vested. Research how this works. Know about 401(k).

Goal 17. Stop taking testosterone cypionate (for life).

Goal 18. Add non-animal protein sources to diet.

Goal 19. Enjoy a maximum of 2 K-Cups of coffee consumption per day, first thing in the morning only.

 

Goal 7. Explore other job opportunities. I have been with the same company for almost 5 years now, but work has been a real struggle lately. Business has been very slow over the past few months. The company has laid off dozens of workers and still appears to be downsizing. I'm suffering financially, and I have zero savings. I fear I could be fired/laid off after the new year, so updating my resume and looking for jobs NOW alleviates the stress and feels somewhat empowering.

STATUS 12/11/2019: Today I received a raise! Small one but completely unexpected. The raise takes effect 01/01/2020, so perhaps my employer won't fire me in January after all (?). The extra money is nice, but feeling secure at my job is what I really want right now, and I feel like I was given a dose of "job security" today. Feels good. I don't even remember the last time I received a raise. So several things have improved lately: Got a raise; business is slowly picking up; and, also effective 01/01/2020, I'll have an additional $760.00 per month in take-home pay because I'm recently divorced and my ex-wife is no longer on my health benefits plan. Things seem to be looking up heading into 2020. Thank you God!

STATUS 11/30/2019: Work continues to be a challenge. I am struggling to make any sales, and I am avoiding the phone and interacting with prospects and customers. Last week was a short week (thank God!) but it felt brutal. No sales whatsover. Even worse: my colleagues ARE making sales, and instead of humbling myself, acknowledging their success, learning from them, and feeling inspired by them, I'm (secretly) choosing resentment and anger toward them. Here's what I'm realizing: I am still an angry, insecure, and fearful person. It seems like I have struggled with insecurity and inferiority my entire life, which in turn keeps me enveloped in loneliness, bitterness, frustration, fear, and anger. In the midst of challenge and struggle, I often choose to quit. I have abandoned friendships, family, relationships, and careers. How will I handle this struggle? Do I have what it takes to make it through this time? I will continue to ask for God's help, and I will NOT give up this time. I WILL see this through. Even though I'm having challenges, I WILL stick with this job. I have been with this company for nearly 5 years, my longest tenured job ever. I've succeeded at this job before, and I am going to do it again. I'm in good health and free from fantasy, marijuana, alcohol, PMO, and p-subs. I can do this.

STATUS 11/23/2019: Work continues to feel like a real struggle. Slow and very stressful. I feel like morale at my company is the lowest I've seen during my 5 years there. Demand seems to be at a standstill. I am very concerned about my finances. I closed a couple of nice deals this month but I still didn't meet my quota (I haven't met my quota for the past several months). I feel like most of my customers have forgotten about me. I rarely take time off and I usually arrive early and stay late, but this month has really tested my psyche, so most days I've been arriving on time and leaving on time. And I've used a few days' vacation time (I have amassed plenty of vacation time, thank goodness). All indications are next week will be even slower (Thanksgiving). I've resolved to get on the phone anyway and ask my customers and prospects about their Thanksgiving plans. Honestly I'm just looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend. It's requiring a lot of focus and determination to work through this slump.

STATUS 11/08/19: Work has improved lately: closed 2 nice deals this week, which feels very relieving and boosts confidence. Feels like I might just be able to succeed at this job after all. Haven't even tried to apply for a seasonal/holiday job and I likely won't. The market is still slow, however, and I am not making the kind of money I made in 2018, but at least for now I have regained confidence. I likely won't need to consider a 401(K) loan or withdrawal this month. And in the future I believe things might turn for the better. But I STILL need to update my resume and keep my options open.

 

Trained this morning:

Pushups
DB Bench Press & Skullcrushers (x4 supersets)
30 minutes Stairclimber (500 calories burned)
Pushups
Followed by cold shower (heavenly; highly recommend cold showers, especially right after a workout)

Early into my training I shared eye contact and a very brief conversation with a fellow gymgoer, a tall, gorgeous, fit woman. I felt completely at ease and confident interacting with her.

I feel at times like I'm emerging from a flatline, which is a blessing, but I am also very cautious and vigilant about my increasingly restored confidence and libido.

I usually look down at the floor in between my weightlifting sets. Eye contact and saying hello remain real challenges for me, especially at the gym. I just recently started removing my headphones during the weightlifting session of my workouts, to force myself out of my comfort zone and connect with people.

I'm already planning on arriving at the gym early tomorrow morning, expecting to see that lovely woman again.

I'm newly divorced for crying out loud! (December 3, 2019).

Reminder to self: I have always relied on women to fill my loneliness and boost my self-esteem. I also feel like I have always chosen to settle, attaching myself to the first available woman who expressed interest in me, because I used to feel that I wasn't worthy or confident enough to survive or succeed on my own.

It is taking a LOT of discipline right now to avoid dating sites and pursuing women. I've been training 5 times a week and I notice gorgeous women at my gym, but I have done a great job of not oogling. I've been laser-focused on my training. But lately I have been looking a little longer, a little more frequently. I am still laser focused, but I'm starting to compromise my whereabouts while I'm training, making sure to be in closer proximity to women.

I need to remind myself that I have priorities and that I'm sticking to them.

I want to be at least 100 days PMO free before I even think about a long term relationship.

Casual sex is no longer a part of my playbook.

But I am not going to deny it: I DO enjoy and desire female companionship. So this is going to be a tough challenge, but I am looking forward to it.

For the first time in many years:

I feel free.
I feel confident.
I feel attractive.
I feel like I have a lot to offer.

"When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible."
--Mahatma Gandhi

 

"God please help me. I want family and friends in my life. I want to trust and support people, and I want people to trust and support me. Please help me be more understanding and accepting. Please help me remove my anger, insecurity, and ego. Please help me forgive myself for the pain and harm I have inflicted on others, and please help me to forgive others who have inflicted pain and harm. Thank you God. Amen."

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life. This means I want a true connection with family and friends. I haven't seen my 2 sisters in 5+ years; haven't seen or spoken to my brother in 20+ years; and, I haven't seen or spoken to my stepfather in 5+ years. On the plus side: I have made 2 friends in the past month. STATUS 12/12/2019: My sister texted me last night. We have texted and talked and shared more in the past two weeks than we ever did in the past 5 1/2 years. Last night's text was brief but rewarding: she included a recent photo of my stepfather and stepbrother. I haven't seen my stepfather in 5 1/2 years, and this was the first photo I've seen of him in 5 1/2 years. He is 85 years old and I will admit that I felt good seeing his photo and his appearing healthy and smiling.

STATUS: 12/7/2019: Sister texted me this afternoon, suggesting I come up to Ohio for my birthday (February 19). It's a great idea, but I feel like my finances are still uncertain, and I'm embarassed to admit this to my sister. Told her I'll advise on FRI 12/13/2019.

STATUS 11/30/2019: I toasted "to friendship" with a colleague (with whom I've worked side-by-side for the past 2 1/2 years). He texted me on Wednesday, 11/27/19, the night before Thanksgiving, inviting me to shoot pool. I haven't been invited to do anything with anybody in quite awhile. I actually enjoyed being out that night. We had a great time shooting pool. I laughed a lot and felt at ease with myself.

STATUS 11/30/19: I spoke to my sister via telephone on Thanksgiving Day. We spoke candidly, for about 90 minutes. This was the longest conversation I've had with her in many years, and it felt like the most honest and candid conversation I have ever shared with her. I haven't seen her, her husband, or my nephew in 5+ years. We ended the conversation with my planning a trip to be with family in Ohio. I want to see them next month, during Christmas, but finances make it a challenge (they live in Ohio; I live in Florida). It's OK though. At least we're communicating, and at least I am now working on reconnecting with my family. WOW. Didn't see this happening. Is there a God after all? I feel like my prayers are being heard. I created Goal #20 and will log the action plans for accomplishing this goal: Visit my family members in Ohio.

STATUS 11/26/2019: Blessed to have a good friend: a woman I've known since March 2019. She offered support and listened when I most needed it. I have been 100% honest with her about everything, and she accepts me. She is a woman of exceptional beauty and strength and character, and I am proud and honored to have her in my life.

STATUS 11/12/2019: I am honored to have an Accountability Partner on nofap.com.

“I wish I could relate to the people I’m related to.”
Jeff Foxworthy

 

@Dannywashere thank you for your kind words! Strength and peace be with you today

 

Trained this morning:

Pushups

Tri-set: Bentover DB Rows, seated machine rows, & pulldowns (x4). Minimal rest between sets.

25 mins. Stairclimber. 400 calories burned.

Pushups

Cold shower

Spoke to 2 people at the gym this morning. This is progress. I am feeling more outgoing and welcoming and interested in people. I shared a good conversation with one of them. We spoke for 5 minutes and I enjoyed the conversation. God Bless this man. He is 81 years old and still working out! He looked like he was in his early 60s. I look forward to seeing him around soon. It is such a blessing to feel more connected and outgoing. I'm starting to feel like I BELONG to this gym. I feel comfortable there. It is nice to see the same men and women at the gym every morning.

Not too much oogling this morning. I was tempted a few times. A few women caught my eye. I saw the same lovely woman from yesterday but I had already decided which exercises I was going to do and I was NOT going to deviate from it, no matter what. But I would have said hello had our paths crossed!

That's how I'm going go handle myself at the gym for now on: I will have a goal and stick to it no matter what. I'm not going out of my way to oogle or approach or try to get noticed by women. I'll look people in the eye and occasionally say hello, but I'm there to stick to the plan. Exercise has been a lifesaver for me. It's kept me healthy and fit and it's helped alleviate anxiety and depression. So I need to remember this when I feel distracted.

 

Goal 16. Stop taking testosterone cypionate (for life). Several years ago my former physician diagnosed me with "low testosterone" and prescribed at 200 mg. per week. I respectfully disagree: I don't need it, and even at 100 mg. per week, which I've been self-injecting since October 13, 2019, I still feel like I am abusing it. No more refills.

STATUS 12/12/2019: I have at least a month's supply of testosterone cypionate remaining, but this week I decided not to inject. I look and feel fit and strong enough without it. I admit I may resume my remaining injections at a later date, but for now I have no desire or reason to inject, and once I use my remaining supply, I'm stopping testosterone cypionate for life. I'm done.

STATUS 11/28/19: I have adhered to 100 mg. injections 1x per week. Very minimal temptation to up the dose to 200 mg. NOTE: I have been working out at least 4xs per week, for the past 4-6 weeks, with more energy, intensity, and focus than I've ever exerted my entire life (I've trained consistently with weights and cardio since 2006). Also, 2-3xs per week I'm riding my mountainbike to the gym then to work (I am blessed to live within 2 miles of gym and work). I look forward to each workout and I do not feel a bit tired or sore the next day. I am 100% convinced this has everything to do with no PMO, minimal alcohol, and tapering alprazolam.

 

I don't recall the last time I've used an alarm to wake up.

Being a morning person is one of the best, unexpected changes of being PMO free.

I used to go to bed late (with the aid of alprazolam and MO), and I always required an alarm to wake up. I would usually wake up feeling groggy.

The past few months, though, I've transformed into a certified morning person. I, of all people, now go to bed at 9 pm-10 pm at the latest, 7 days a week, and I wake up every morning at 5 am at the latest, always without the aid of an alarm clock, always feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, always ready to start my day reading and reviewing my goals and working out at the gym...BEFORE even heading to work!

A great night's sleep feels like a true blessing. Thank you God and thank you to the members of nofap.com for introducing me to my new life I feel like a changed man. A grateful man. A humble man. A man of newfound strength, purpose, energy, and joy.

 

Today is my company's Christmas party. I've worked for the company awhile (5 years in February 2020), and I've attended only 1 Christmas party.

This year I again chose not to attend, but now I realize that I need to force myself out of my comfort zone. I need to get myself OUT THERE and mingle and socialize and connect with people. This is a GOOD thing.

Such a realization is progress.

 

Good to hear that my friend! I personally believe that once you start to consistently devote yourself to working out and healthy eating and drinking, you will start to yield more muscle.

It takes time, but I'd give yourself at least 3 months, so in my opinion you can definitely achieve your goals by near summer.

 

I hate posting this.

Finances are really tight now. Tonight I took a deep breath and viewed my account balance. I have enough to pay January's rent, pay for about 2 weeks' worth of groceries, and pay my phone bill. But there's not going to be much left over after that. I may have to pay some of my bills a week late in order to get by until the end of this month.

And, it looks like I might have to borrow from my 401(k) to pay February's rent. We'll see.

Struggling financially is not fun. I'm not used to it. I've never accepted responsibility for it. I've never faced up to it.

Thank God I have no wife or children to support right now.

I'll be doing lots of trailriding on my mountainbike this Christmas Holiday, and I was hoping I had enough money to buy a pair of new mountainbike tires, but I've chosen to postpone that. My rear tire is nearly bald right now but that's OK; I can still ride. Dissapointing. But I realize that there are far more serious things that people are dealing with in life. So I need to remember that it's not the end of the world. This is a "first-world problem." I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head, I still have a job, and I have enough food to eat. Thank you God!

I have nearly two weeks off for Christmas Break, starting December 21 through January 1. I have no gifts to buy because I have no family in town and I have no close friends, so perhaps that's one positive thing right now about living a solitary life LOL

Still: spending will need to be at a minimum during Christmas break.

Thank God that I live in Florida and that I am healthy and fit and that I have a passion for the outdoors. I plan on spending lots of time during Christmas Break consuming fresh air via the beaches and bike trails and beautiful county and state parks. Being out in nature is free.

The yellow check engine light is illuminated on my vehicle but I think I'll be OK. I had it checked at Autozone recently and from what I understand via the error code they provided, the malfunction doesn't appear to be a serious issue. Fingers crossed though. I'll just have to restrict my driving to my local area, in which there's plenty of outdoor beaches, parks, and trails to enjoy.

I'm hoping for no rain during the break, and I'm taking some extra precautions this week in the gym. My left calf is feeling a bit tender. I have a tendency to go "all out'" in whatever I do. This has yielded terrific physical and emotional rewards, but if I'm not careful I may injure myself. I anticipate that this last week at work will be slow and stressful and will require extra diligence and focus, and exercise is the perfect remedy, but I need to take MON and TUES off, at the very least.

This weekend I will also need to think ahead and devise a "Plan B" in case I'm injured or if it rains on the days during my Christmas break. Or if my vehicle breaks down. Or if I just want to do something spontaneous and different

This weekend and the following week I will use the foam roller and listen to my body during my workouts. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately: 90-minute intense workouts, 5 days a week. Weights and cardio and lots of pushups.

I feel like exercise has become, more than ever, my lifeline. My anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. My way of coping in this this crazy world.

I'm used to being alone and poor LOL but the thought of being unable to exercise or spend time outdoors really worries me. It feels like life and death to me. Two weeks away from work, routine, and people seems like a long time to go it alone. I must respect the fact that a solitaire Christmas Break has potential to test my mind and body and soul, and I must embrace this challenge. Exercise, fresh air, and nature are key, and God willing I'll be able to spend my days engaged in those activities.

Regardless: I intend to have fun and enjoy the blessings of my time off without PMO, without weed, without escape, without taking the easy, convenient paths of my former life. I intend to start the new year and decade feeling rejuvenated, healthy, lean, muscular, and tan.

I've never felt happier or healthier. I'm dirt poor right now but I still have drive and passion for life. I am looking forward to the future.

Yes, I worry a lot about my health and finances, but at times I get long moments and hours of inner peace, this feeling that I'll be OK no matter what, that things will get better, that God will help me, that This Too Shall Pass.

Reminder: read Matthew 6:25-34. It's gotten me through before, and it will help get me through again. I have accomplished SO much these past few months, and that will NEVER be taken away from me!

 

Trained this morning:

Pushups

Tri-set: Overhead DB shoulder press, side lat raises, shrugs. Minimal rest between sets.

Stairmaster (25 mins; 400 calories burned).

Pushups

Cold shower

Engaged two gymgoers in conversation at the end of my workout. I know both of their names now. They know mine. This is progress. I feel like I'm starting to become a "people person."

 

A woman from my past called me last night.

I had dozens of sexual flings during my 6-year marraige. I was a horrible husband, acting selfishly. I was promiscuous and reckless, never thinking how my actions impacted others.

I deleted almost all numbers, phone/text history, and images of my past said "sexual conquests," but I kept a few.

The woman who called me last night I've known since 2014, and I am still very much attracted to her. I regard her as a woman of exceptional strength, character, and beauty.

She knows that I have changed my life in the past two months, and since that time, I have been 100% honest with her about everything, and she continues to accept me in her life, and I feel like a lucky man.

In February 2019, I was already 4 months separated from my wife and living in my apartment. This gorgeous woman, about whose mind and body and soul I've fantasized "winning over," came to my apartment and spent the night with me, but since I was clinging to a life of lies, deceit, isolation, PMO, mental fantasy, marijuana, alcohol, and p-subs, I was unable to open my mind, soul, and body to this "real life" woman. Even though I had many times fantasized about "getting this woman in bed," I was unable to function sexually, and I felt dissapointed and embarassed about it, and I simply went ghost on her, until a few months ago. I reconnected with her, and since then, we have spoken via telephone several times.

Last night, as we ended our phone conversation, I advised that I wanted to see her again, and she advised that the feeling is mutual. I told her I'd call next weekend to set up plans.

My gut tells me that I'll end up seeing her during Christmas break, and that I must remain especially vigilant. She and I share a long past, and many of the "dates" I enjoyed with her were flirtatious and involved lots of sexual tension.

And, like all of the women I used to fool around with, I would smoke marijuana before the date and drink excessively while on the date, because I didn't think I was confident enough or interesting enough to attract women while sober.

I am nearing 60 days PMO and my libido and urges are continuing to re-manifest. As much as I like this woman, I suspect that the physical/sexual aspect runs deep, and it runs first and foremost. Also, I suspect there's a considerable age gap (I'm 48; I suspect she's in her early 60s at least, though she looks much younger).

My ex-wife is 63 years old, so I need to keep myself aware of this pattern. I now realize that I choose "older women" because I have issues with loneliness, self-esteem, intimacy, control, and acceptance. This means that I am still clinging to the hopes of short-term, uncommitted, casual sex. "Friends with benefits."

As mentioned: I am nearing 60 days PMO, hard mode, and I intend to complete the 100-day Spartan Challenge here on nofap.com, and I will finish it via hard mode: no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm.

I am on Day 40 of the Spartan Challenge so that means I'm waiting at least another 60 days before I have sex with a woman, and my days of using women for casual sex and filling loneliness/lack of self esteem are OVER.

I'm looking for a meaningful, long-term relationship that involves 100% devotion and honesty. I want female companionship and I am excited about dating, and I will allow myself to have fun with it, but I will not break my commitment to remain at least another 60 days PMO.

If things escalate with a woman, I will disclose my commitment to 100 days PMO via the Spartan Challenge, and I will allow her to choose whether or not she accepts my commitment.

Because of the suspected age gap, I am almost 100% convinced this woman is not "relationship material," but I am looking forward to seeing her, sharing my new life with her, and seeing how it all unfolds.

 

Trained this afternoon:

Mountainbiked to gym (I'm blessed to live within 2 miles of the gym).

1 hour on the foamroller, targeting calves, quads, hams, hips, glutes, back,shoulders, and neck. This is my second time using the foam roller and I'm still learning and improving. My calves were a bit sore after training so it must be working (?)

Pushups

Superset: Deadlifts and farmer's carries

Pushups

Not the best workout and I skipped the Stairmaster because I feel like it's tough on my calves. But at least I mixed it up and tried a few things. I haven't done deadlifts in months and I'm using the foamroller to mitigate injury. Tomorrow I'm due for squats but that might change if I'm sore from the deadlifts. I've rarely felt sore ever since I stopped PMO. We'll see how it goes tomorrow though. A good night's sleep can make a ton of difference. I suspect I'll at least do some pushups and the Stairmaster.

 

Goal 5. Consider a 401(k) loan.

STATUS 12/14/2019: I've learned how it works: I can request 50% of my vested balance, with no taxes and very minimal fees, to be dispensed into my checking account within a few days. This is something that I may need to do in January 2020 to help see my lease through on my apartment. I live in a beautiful, but expensive, apartment and I intend to see my lease through to the end: May 25, 2020. I hope I don't use this option, but if I do, I hope I'm actually able to do it with no hiccups. I don't trust banks. At least I'm prepared and knowledgable. January' s commission check is looking paltry. Today is December 14 and my last day at work before the Holiday shutdown is December 20, and I have no further sales on the horizon for this month, which is looking like it will be my worst month in a long time with this company. Fingers crossed. God will help me. It will be OK. Matthew 6:25-34.

 

Trained today:

Mountainbiked to gym.

1 hour on the foamroller, targeting calves, quads, hams, hips, glutes, back,shoulders, and neck. I'm learning and improving. I'm going to continue incorporating foam rolling into my weekend gym agenda.

Pushups

Stairmaster (calories burned 500+)

Pushups

Skipped my scheduled squats-and-pullups superset. I wasn't sore from yesterday but I'm being careful not to injure myself before the 2-week Christmas break, during which I plan to do a lot of mountainbiking, walking, and swimming.

I have trained 5 days in a row. I was planning on taking the next two days off, but the way I'm feeling now, it's tempting to keep exercising. I may show up at the gym tomorrow for training. Or maybe I'll mountainbike to work (I'm blessed to live within 2 miles of work).

I can always take a few days off from the gym later in the week. We'll see.

Guess I'm hooked

 

Soreness from yesterday's deadlifting is kicking in now. No training tomorrow. Driving to work.

 

Goal 7. Explore other job opportunities.

STATUS 12/16/2019: Even though things are starting to look up at work, I feel like I want to explore a leadership role, with another company and my current one. During my upcoming Christmas Break, I'll devote time, action, and thought into accomplishing this goal.