Crossdressing addiction

After so much time of learning about nofap and this site, more than 2 years now, i had the courage to create an account and come in front of you to tell you my story. SInce i was very young, (2,3 years old) i was atractted to women clothing ( especially stockings). I remember playing with my mom s stockings at this very early age and feeling a strange pleasure about this thing. Till i was 7 years i slept with my mom in the same room( my dad and my mum divorced when i was 3-4 years old). Every morning when she was waking up to go to her job, after she left i used to try her clothes, her underwear, bras, even her pijamas. I did this until one morning when my grandmother with whom i also lived caught me staring at myself naked in the mirror. Of course she told this thing to my mum and she asked me about this thing. Me , not knowing that my grandmom only saw me naked, without wearing my mum s clothes, i gave myself away telling her about how i wear her clothes. I remember i started crying when i did this, she had a little talk with me telling me that is not normal and things like this. After this moment,that happened when i was 7, time passed and i stopped doing this thing because of the embarassement. At 11, i had my first contact with pornography, at first through online erotic games, then through videos. I started doing prone masturbation, watching straight porn. I started reading about porn and masturbation addiction just 3 years later, when i also had my first no pmo streak, which at that time was of 4 months, but back then i was doing it because of religious purposes ( i was a religious guy back then). After 4 months i started again, trying to abstain from it, but as time went by, i started losing my interest in religion and not caring anymore about this thing being a sin, i started considering it a normal thing. At 16 after wathching so many porn, i had the most stupidiest idea of my entire life, an idea for which i curse myself everyday... to try again wearing again some of my mother's lingerie. The feeling was amazing, i never felt such a nice feeling, i was so excited, and i started fapping while being dressed. At first, i liked to imagine myself having sex with girls being dressed like this, then i started watching also dildo playing videos, till it escaladated to wathing transgendered person porn and sissy porn. I eventually started wathing only this kind of porn, while being crossdressed, for me a session of fapping wouldn't be a good one, if i would not be dressed in women clothes. All this time i tried giving up on this thing, but i said myself ,,naa, it s not a problem"... All this till i reached with a real girl in bed in 2017, when i was 20... It was my first time being naked with a girl in bed and i must mention that in my life i haven't had more than 2 girlfriends, not because i'm ugly or things like this ( actually i m a pretty handsome guy) but because of my shyness and social anxiety. I was shocked, when i reached that point that i couldn't mantain an erection, so i couldn't have sex with her. This was such a shock for me so i started doing some research, but it wasn't necessary to research much because i was aware that my problem is related to porn and masturbation. So i tried to abstain from pmo, and i did this for about 2 months, these were my best months from my life, i must tell you, not because of some superpowers i got, but because it was such a long streak without pmo after so many years, i felt satisfaction. After 2 months i told myself i will try to have sex again , but i said that before doing it with a girl i know, i will go to a hooker ( because i was afraid that the erection problem will happen again, and i didn t want to happen this with a person i knew to get myself embarrased of this), but guess what i didn't... and i returned to fapping. THis was happening in november 2017. Since that time i started many time to abstain again, and since november 2017 to september 2018, my best streaks were of 1 month, which i did 2 or 3 times, and some streaks of 2-3 weeks. Till september 2018 when i said that i must reach my goal which at that time was of 3 months. And i did it... not only 3 months, but almost a year. I abstained myself from pmo from 7 september 2018 till 5 september 2019. The problem is that all this time i haven't had sex with any girl and i even haven't hanged up with many... you must ask why? Because i was embarrased that i was a virgin and i will not perform well with a girl ( some sort of performance anxiety) and because i was afraid that i will not get it up ( even if this was a very improbable thing for me, months passed and i thought this time will be ok) So when i was 10 months of no pmo i decided to go to a hooker, and when reached there guess what? Not one single erection... i mean nothing, 0 , it was dead, it didn't even get erect for a while how it happened with that girl in 2017..i was so dissapointed of these ( i couldn;t understand why), maybe it was because of not having an interlude ( i mean she just undressed in my front and started giving me head with the condom on, and then rubbed it, i have felt nothing and i also felt like shit) . One month later i even had the invitation from a girl, she wanted me to come to her place, of course she wanted sex, and i refused her being afraid that i will not get it up, and because i was also a virgin and i wasnt able to accept this thing in front of a girl that i knew and that also knew my friends and i thought that if i will not get erect or i will not perform well, she will tell my friends i cannot get erect or i m a virgin ( of course, stupid thoughts). When i was almost of making one year streak, one night i had a dream, i dreamed that i had sex with 2 boys... I woke up with a strong erection and started fantasize about myself being dressed in women clothes again and about having sex being dressed like this. I'm 22 now but i still live with my mum, so it wasnt hard for me to go to her wardrobe and try again some of her clothes... all this lead to relapse... after almost 1 motherfucking year... i was so dissapointed of myself, but i told myself that it was just 1 time after 1 year, and it can't affect my recovery.... but guess what i did it one more time and one more time and so on till yesterday 13 december 2019.. from 5 septmber to 13 december... 3 months of intense fapping again , only to sissy and crossdressing porn, only being crossdressed. I reached the point that i cant get erect anymore even watching porn and even being crossdressed... so bad is my decade. Now my dick is dead as hell, and i dont feel any sexual desire towards women, but im not gay either. I dont feel atracted to men in real life, only when i m into my fantasy and when i crossdress i have these fantasies... I reached the point that i think i must talk with my mum about this problem, at least about porn addiction if not about crossdressing. I even started having suicidial thoughts about it . This is my story, at least a brief summary about it. What should i do? I feel desperate, knowing that i stayed out of pmo for 10 months and when i was at that hooker i still couldnt get it up.... maybe it was the flatline, maybe it was the fact that i hadnt a proper interlude, i mean i didnt even kissed with her... I started thinking that for me its not enough one year of nofap because, after one year i was very anxious, my social akwardness was very high and i felt like shit...after starting again to fap, all these things dissapeared and now i dont feel the social akwardness and anxiety so strong as before ( but i still have them because i m very anxious from always), when i think that i must abstain again so much time, it drives me crazy.If you can give me some advice, and if there are things about i wasnt clear enough ,ask me.. It s a lot to tell, but i think i wrote too much already.

 

Thank you for your response. Actually this is the problem. From always i was atracted to girls and feminine parts, but since i was 16 and discovered sissy porn, transgendered person porn and so on i started getting aroused only by these kind of things. Now if i see a girl naked, unfortunately it doesn't get me turned on, but if i see a girl in lingerie it does, because i imagine myself being her... But i never, but never desired to meet with a guy in real life or have sex with him or things like these... no man, i want a girlfriend, to love her, to hang up with her... all my life i loved women, but when it comes to the sexual side, since i started getting into crossdressing and porn so deep, i started not feeling aroused by girls anymore, but only by men, when i fantasize i m dressed in women clothes. Now, im fapping exclusively to these kind of porn, or straight porn but even when i fap to straight, i see myself like the girl... But if you ask me, i don't see myself living with a man, or loving a man or not even having real life sex with a man... these things disgust me. I guess PMO fucked me pretty bad, if even after 1 year i had a dream where i was involved in a sexual act as the bottom.... I must mention, that in this year i also had dreams, after much time of me having sex with girls and things like this ( vanilla sex) but the bonner i got when i dreamt that thing ( the sexual act with 2 men) turned me on so badly that i actually relapsed after 1 motherfucking year.... And i also must say that in this year, even if i havent had sex i kissed some girls and cuddled with them and when i did that, i was erect so I know for sure i like girls like i always did. It s emabrrasing for me being a virgin at 22.... i feel like a loser, especially when everybody tells me that i m a handsome guy, and everybody is asking themselves why the hell i don t have a girlfriend , because im a very good looking guy... It s sad that i wont take advantage of the fact that im a beautiful man... and instead i prefer masturbation instead of having real life sex with hot women...i feel like a looser.

 

Believe me, till i was 16 years old i haven t had even one single gay thought, i considered gay people disgusting, a thing that i also do now. Yes of course, i was crossdressing when i was little, at 3 years i was playing with the stockings, at 7-8 years i was playing with my mum s clothes, but without having gay thoughts, believe me. Just when i started crossdressing again at 16 and experiencing crossdressing together with porn, i started fantasize step by step till i reached the point that i fantasized only to me being crossdressed and having sex with men... I m pretty sure porn and all that sissy stuff and sissy hypno fucked my brain, because even if i was crossdressing before, before it was just a straight thing in my opinion cuz i fantasized about having sex with girls being crossdressed... but now starting to think only of having sex with men when crossdressed is a massive problem for me... For me 1 year, and then going to a hooker wasn't enough, but you know what i learned in this year? You can stay even 3-4 years without fapping and without porn, if in this time you dont hang out with girls, kiss them, cuddle with them, play naked with them your brain will still be connected to sissy things... In this one year period i only kissed one girl, and cuddle with other 3-4 times and that was all... of course i got erect when i did this, but i havent gone further with them cuz i was afraid of the fact that i will not get it up and because i was embarrased i was still a virgin... and i mean one of these girls is 20 years old... she is 2 years younger than me, and she had sex many times in her life. The sole solutions is NO PMO of course, but now im discouraged of the fact that 3 moths ago i destroyed my one year streak just because of a dream... When i think now i would have been on an one year and 3 months streak..ohhh man... It s also discouraging for me the idea that i must start over again, and this time it s harder than before... But i know that i have this ambition, this crazy ambition within me. I believe in myself and i will fight with this problem even if it would be the last thing i do in this life. Stay strong bro

 

My luck , so to speak, is that i am too scared to do such a crazy thing, so I just thought about these things, never taking into consideration real suicide....but it still drives me crazy that i relapsed after 1 year of intense battling with my addiction and with my fantasy. I dont agree with you on the fact that is nothing wrong with crossdressing... I consider it a wrong thing, especially because i dont use this fantasy with a real partner but instead only when i watch porn and masturbate. I don't consider it a normal thing, I never did, because even if I like this , it s not who I am. I am a handsome guy, crossdressing thinking that you have sex with the same gender is not a normal thing for me. In general, I consider homosexuality a sick thing, something like a disorder, but that s my opinion, I dont judge people who choose to be like this. Back in time they considered homosexuality and these weird fetishes something like a disorder, nowadays they dont anymore, but I chose not to agree with them on this. They just want us to decade, to fall into our primitive instincts like the animals. Of course you can see homosexual animals and think that is a normal thing also for a man, cuz how we all know we have primary instincts as well. But what makes us different from animals is our rationality, that s why we have it to supress our negative thoughts, our sick feelings. You know there are many people in this world that have wanted one time in their life to murder someone. How they controlled their instict? They focused this anger, this wish let s say, in something like a contact sport, if you get what i mean... I consider thatcrossdressing and all fantasies can be supressed through self discipline... I did this thing one year... the reason i havent lasted probably was, in my case, that fact that i havent found the proper substitute for my fantasy. Doing something all the time is very important... also the fact that i still live with my mom and i have all these clothes next to my room... If i wouldn't have the clothes , believe it or not, I think i would have not relapsed.

 

Yes, it s true that i like crossdresing since i was very little, but then when i was crossdressing, i was doing it because it gave me a nice feeling, but i fantasized about girls... now my fantasies are related to sissy stuff, and that s not who i am... even i like crossdressing, crossdressing somehow combined with porn and orgasm turnt me into a gay... but i dont like men, i like them just into my fantasy, after i orgasm i don t like them anymore... maybe not the crossdressing is bad, but maybe the porn, but still after abstaining one year from pmo, still having homosexual dreams... do you think i would have got these kind of dreams if i would have not watched sissy porn and transgendered person porn? I don't think so..