Moments in time... my journal

Hey, I'm here two days in a row! It's a Festivus miracle! Lol

73 days into this and I think we sort of have a rhythm down, as far is how we discuss things. We get the kids to bed at night, make some herbal tea and then sit together and talk. We have sort of always done this but we had been watching TV more at night, which I don't mind at all, but I don't want to use TV as a way for us to distract us from our problems. That's probably why TV was invented but I digress. Lol

I'm looking forward to Christmas break for the kids. B4L also gets some days off during their break so that will be really nice! I'm still going to be running around like a crazy person for the holiday but I'm a bit more cheerful about it than normal. Lol. I'm trying to be anyway!

I've touched on here in my journal before that I've read other people's journals and how that can be both good and bad. I think it's good to know that other people are struggling with this. It's bad to compare myself and my husband to them. I think I'm getting better at not comparing. I just feel incredibly sad for everyone. I read so many stories of men who were abused as kids and I think about my own boys and it REALLY upsets me. How tragic that any child has to endure that! And the fact that so many of these guys just mention it, almost in passing, makes me so upset for them. I'm thankful that that kind of abuse has never been in my husband's life (and I mean, he was raised Catholic so there is a real possibility it could have) or my kids lives either!

One thing I was thinking about on here is the hierarchy of what appears on here as far as this addiction goes, and the way that certain people are treated or perceived... What I mean is you basically have guys who were addicted to just porn, then there is an escalation after that that ranges anywhere from cam girls, to cheating online, to escorts, to affairs..It's interesting to see the way that both men and women approach this. I don't know if it is my naivety or what but I don't see watching porn as cheating. I just can't wrap my head around that. Actually talking to someone for them to get you off...then yeah, I would say that is cheating and anything above that is as well (escorts, prostitutes). It's astounding to me though the men that I've read on here that seem to think that escorts were no big deal. But I think that in a small way I understand. What I mean is that I think after so much of an escalation your brain can rationalize anything. I remember talking to B4L about how would he feel if he found out that I was online paying for naked pictures of men (at the time I was asking he was knee deep in his addiction) and I remember him telling me that he would have been okay with it!!!! I was so pissed and so confused! He has since now explained that since he is not in the porn addiction fog that he can see why that hurt me and that he would be upset now if I did that. I think it just goes to show how much this addiction can affect people's brains! Lol. Also, I know that men and women see things very differently... That I knew before I came here but it's even more apparent to me now!

Well, I guess that's enough of my opining on that for now. Lol. I should probably go get some Christmas stuff done. I have a ton of presents to wrap! I'm hoping that I can write more on here because it does help a lot!

 

Had a really good talk with B4L last night. I've noticed a big difference in the way that we talk to each other. It's nice to be able to talk to him and not feel like he is hiding anything. It is also nice to talk about some feelings that I still have about his addiction and to not have him be defensive about what I'm saying. I don't think I could have said that 70 days ago! So that is a huge improvement!

When we talked last night I told him that at times I did feel like he thought I wasn't sexy or pretty anymore because of his porn use. He apologized again for causing me to feel that way and said that he hated that I ever felt that way. I appreciate that, I really do. I do think I can own some of that because I let myself feel that way even though I knew it wasn't true. I guess when you know something to be true you can't always trust it because your feelings can get in your way. It's sad to me that we let this addiction go on for as long as we did. For two people who have "Quality time" at the top of their 5 love languages we sure have wasted a lot of time... Fortunately for him, I'm still pretty adorable so we have lots of time left to have sex. Lol. I know how very lucky I am to have B4L and it's SO good to have ALL of him now.

I should probably get going. I want to have everything done today so we can both just relax tonight!

 

Well, I guess it's been awhile since I've been able to sit down and write on here! The holidays kept me and B4L from really being able to sit down to write out thoughts but I know I was on here reading and I think he was as well. We just spent a lot of time together so there wasn't a ton of time to be here.

Christmas and New Years went well. B4L's birthday was on the 28th too so we had a fun day with all the kids. I hope he felt like it was a special day because I pride myself on making people's birthdays fun! We all went out together as a family and we went to see Star Wars. It was really fun and mostly not stressful holiday season. Lol. Christmas can be hard because of the people that we love that have been lost but I thought it went well. His family surprised me again that they were not rude at all during Christmas... Maybe they like me better now? Who knows... I can't waste too much time thinking about it other than acknowledging that it didn't suck. Lol

When I was on here, during my hiatus from writing, I read through some PA journals and a few SO's journals too. I saved a lot of things that other people wrote out because I like to see that other people feel the same way that I do. Although I understand making sure to not project their feeling onto my situation but I don't think I am, because I see vast differences. But with the SO's I think the feelings are very similar. I could be wrong but when I read through the SO's journals I tend to nod along to how they say they felt..So, in that sense I think reading other people's journals is very helpful!

So, this new year should be an interesting one. I'm hopeful about it. I feel like maybe I'm getting back to how I used to feel about myself. But maybe it's better to not think about the girl I used to be and focus more on who I want to be now. Clearly that girl was into letting everything go (ie. B4L's PA addiction) and not really having her emotional needs met... so I think I'll leave her behind. I know for sure that I HAVE TO spend more time on myself and my needs. I know this intellectually but putting it into practice is tough for me. I'm definitely a giver, which I like about myself, but I don't want to be a martyr either! That causes you to be resentful and passive aggressive and I also think it's going to give me wrinkles and I REALLY don't want that! Lol

What do I want? Good question! I would say I want to be happy but I think that is the wrong goal to have. I would rather live a life that is meaningful...I think happiness would come from that. I know I want to try to let go of a lot of things from my past. This would be a good place to journal about all of that, and I hope that I can. I have acknowledged all of the things that I would write about but I think putting them all down somewhere would make it feel a bit more like I could have some closure. Most of it would probably be about my first marriage. A lot of times when SO's on here are talking about their husbands I say "Ah, that sounds like something moron (what I call my ex) would have done or said to me". And it's true, I see a lot of him in the PA's that the SO's are describing. I'm very glad I am mostly rid of moron (get used to me calling him that because that's his name, lol) from my day to day life. When he does interfere with my life now it usually isn't as traumatic as it used to be. I like a quote from Robert Louis Stevenson to explain where I am (mostly) at with my ex, which is "I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion." I think that is pretty accurate!

I feel...hopeful..at the moment anyway. I was reading something on here that someone posted about most PA's never really fully recovering.. Not sure where one could find actual statistics on that but I don't think it's true. Or, more accurately I would like to think that that isn't true. I understand addiction being difficult to overcome and how a SA or PA could be the toughest to recover from, but I have to believe it's possible. Otherwise, I don't want to think about what that means. And actually how mean is it to say to people who are trying to recover "Hey, just so you know, very few people can get over this..ok, good luck.."? That isn't nice at all.

Well, anyway, I might go respond to some people whose journals I have been reading. Otherwise it just feels like you are being creepy and kinda stalking them. Lol. I hope to try to be more consistent with my journal too. It is nice to have an outlet.

 

I'm really not consistent with this journal at all. But since it's for me, what else is new? Everything that I want or need is always last on my list. I really can't blame anyone but myself for that... I mean I could blame LOTS of other people and things for my lack of time for myself, but I don't suppose I can blame anyone else besides me for not taking care of myself...It might make me feel better to complain about it though. I suppose I could give that a try.. I also suppose I could count how many times I will get interrupted while I try to type this... ( it was 8 times, btw)

Everything that frustrates or upsets me does NOT come down to my husband's porn addiction. However, I think the porn addiction could be used as a scapegoat for a lot between B4L and I. I think that is very unhealthy and I don't want that. I also think that resentments that I have can creep up because of it. I'm not really sure what to do about that. I think I was pretty resentful of B4L for maybe the past year and a half when I just resigned myself to the fact that no matter what I said or did, he was NOT going to stop PMO. The word that comes to my mind about that is "selfish". And maybe that's why when I'm running around for everyone else, I get resentful, because I remember that selfishness?? I don't all the time and I do think it's better, but it is there. I don't want to be resentful. I think I need to remind myself that it's okay that I'm not perfect... but I think a big part of me feels like everything that goes wrong around me is because I'm not perfect. It's funny to me though because I don't think I'm a perfectionist, at least not in the sense that everything has to be just so ( you try having 5 boys in your house and having anything look nice for more than 5 minutes, Lol) but maybe I am one? At the very least I don't like screwing up, although I don't know anyone who does.

I think what I need to work on is letting go of resentments. I would love to know how to start doing that. I was thinking about maybe writing them all down and then seeing if that helped. I suppose that also might look like I'm just complaining but it's my journal and I should be able to do what I please here. Lol.

Selfish and resentment...my two buzz words for this journal entry. A lot of time I'm like a dog with a bone about things and I just can't let them go until I'm done talking them through. I don't know if that's bad or not.. I suppose that's just the way I am. I'll have to figure out why those words mean something to me today.

Today when I was making dinner and the dog was barking and there were kids running around the house and I felt a little frazzled, I did not text anything passive aggressive to my husband. Progress, right? Maybe because I did actually spend 45 minutes doing yoga and meditating earlier today? Could be.. I don't really know how to incorporate journaling into my day though. I see some people on here don't miss a day. I don't know...I'm not sure I know how to put myself first.

Anyway, most of my day was good. I can be grateful for that. I just have a lot going on in my head. I NEED to get it out. Just not sure how...

 

Today is my dad's birthday. Well, my step dad but he raised me so I just always called him dad. He died 13 years ago on Feb 22nd. He would have been 62 today. I had a complicated relationship with him. I remember hating him a lot growing up. Fairly or unfairly, he probably got a lot of my teenage angst thrown at him. I wasn't a bad kid... not at all actually. Good grades, didn't talk back (much) and did what I was told (usually). My mom and I were super close, but I just always thought my dad was weird. And believe me he was. I thought he was a very awkward person. Turns out both my parents struggled with mental health issues. Something that I didn't realize until much later. My mom's dad (my maternal grandfather) abused my mom (Physically and sexually) and I have no idea what may or may not have happened to my dad to make him the way he was. I could never pinpoint anything from his childhood that made any sense to me about why he might be as crazy as I thought he was. He was an alcoholic when my mom met him when I was very little. We all moved in together when I was 6 and they got married when I was 9. He gave up the alcohol but kept the alcoholic personality. By that I mean that I always thought he was incredibly selfish and a jerk and I did not and could not understand what my mother saw in him. She told me once that when she saw him for the first time she turned to her friend and said "I'm going to marry him someday" Apparently he was quite a ladies man..It was the late 70's, early 80's when he was out whoring around though so I'm not sure how choosy everyone was being. If I sound angry or like I'm being mean, then good. I feel like being like that right now, especially to someone who actually deserves it, even if he isn't here for me to tell this all to.

Anyway, I was thinking about my dad (and our complicated relationship) and wondering some things. I think I'm angry with both of my parents (both are deceased, well my biological father is alive but we don't speak. I definitely have Daddy issues). You see when I was 18 my parents decided to start another family. My mom had my little brother in 1998 and my sister in 2002. My mom had me when she was 17 so she was not that old, I guess, to start having babies 18 years later. My dad was killed in an accident in 2005 and my mom died of complications from breast cancer in 2014. I'm angry with them because I think the piss poor example that they set as a couple helped propel me into my first marriage. I don't blame them for MY choice to marry my ex, but the dysfunction that was in their relationship was obvious and very difficult to live with. They always said they loved each other..but they were MEAN to each other, especially my dad to my mom. Maybe I just couldn't get it because I was a kid.. I just couldn't see anything they had in common. Mom was street smart, funny and fun to be around, sang and danced with me and we laughed and played games together.. Dad was book smart, quieter, didn't like loud noises (in fact I would get punished for walking too loudly through the living room if a record was playing, and he rarely spent time with me. I can count on one hand the number of times we played catch. I was (sort of) a tom boy and was pretty athletic but I think we played catch maybe 4 times in my life. When my baby brother was born (my dad's biological son) he did a lot with him. Not playing catch but they always went places and played in the snow or out in the pool. Maybe it was just the fact that I wasn't his real daughter or maybe he didn't relate well to girls.. I don't know. I know I resented that, when my sister was born. I resented it a lot. Which is kinda pathetic because I was 21..I honestly think her being born was part of why I married my ex at 22. My parents had "moved on" from me to their own family, so I wanted to too. Unfortunately, I picked the WORST possible man to marry.. but more on that some other time...

I get angry, still, when I think of my parents being gone. Because guess who got to take over parenting that brand new family that they had when I was 18? Yeah, you guessed it. It was me. And my husband now, B4L. WE had to take over that role of parenting a 14 year old boy and an 11 year old girl, who were traumatized over the death of their mom, OUR mom. I don't even really feel like I got to mourn her properly because I had to do EVERYTHING, including handling the estate and guardianship bullshit...Even though B4L and I had just basically started parenting our kids (I have 2 boys and he has 2 boys) together at that point, now we had another massive wave of stress tossed at us. My God, was I resentful of this situation!! I KNOW that I haven't always handled it well either. I HAVE tried. But I have failed more times than I can count. I know that is part of parenting... But I also know that I let resentment creep into my heart while I was parenting all of our kids, for a variety of reasons.. With my kids it was being afraid of my abusive ex and what he would say to them about me and resenting the fact that he got to play Disney Daddy. With B4L's boys it was being resentful and angry that B4L tried to co parent (very politely) with his stupid ex (after everything that inappropriate word for a female dog had pulled!) and he just seemed like a such a wimp around her and I really hated that!! With my brother and sister it was again feeling bitter, angry and resentful of having to raise 2 more kids!! AND not being able to have a child with B4L because now we had 6 kids to take care of!! THAT STILL UPSETS ME TO THIS DAY!

So, yeah, I'm pretty much stuck on anger and resentment, because I constantly feel like I have to clean up EVERYONE ELSE'S mess! I have to clean up my ex's mess of how badly he messed up with our boys. I mean just..it was awful and it continues to be so. And now B4L's ex has got a fucking psycho husband who harasses our boys about being Catholic, tells them how bad they are constantly and is just all around piece of shit to them and her!!! She's a disgusting piece of work too, the way she treats her boys, make me very angry! And there is still the "MESS" of what my parents left behind for my little brother and sister. One of the best things (sarcasm) is that I don't even get the money that my little brother and sister get from my dad's death (it was a workman's comp death) because I wasn't legally his daughter. Most of the time this does not bother me, but at times it does. Not because of the money part but because it represents how I'm nothing. I mean nothing to everyone and that MUST be true because that's how I've been treated. For sure my ex husband treated me that way. I told B4L last night that I FELT like I was nothing. Now I can see more of where that comes from. I DO NOT blame him exclusively for that feeling but I have to say that the porn addiction does not help with that feeling at all.

I have things to do today but I need to keep going. I have to get all of this out. This is more important than going and buying birthday invitations...I know that but I'm still harping at myself for being selfish.. I HAVE to keep going though..

I want to talk about me and my relationship with sex and by some extension, porn. The first time I ever saw anything pornographic was when I was 10, I think.. My dad had dirty magazines, but they had stories in them. I was intrigued by that I think. We didn't have a tv in my house until I was 14 (like I said, I hated my dad and that was one reason why. Not because of not having a tv but because I felt like a freak because we didn't have one) so reading was my way of escaping and going on an adventure and I think I used those stories to masturbate to and imagine what sex was like. I don't think I found any of my dad's porn videos until I was around 15 or so and that was only because he left it in the VCR, because he was that thoughtless. At the time I know my parents were going through a rough patch. 1995 was around the time that chatting online with people was a thing, right? I know my dad met someone that way and had sex with them. He was definitely a porn addict although I don't think I knew that was a real thing, until very recently so I certainly wouldn't have known it then. I remember finding out about his affair because I heard my parents arguing about it. I had found a cassette tape in my dad's walk man. I used the walk man to listen to tapes and I think I just pushed play on a tape that was in the walk man already and it was a recording of two people having sex. An audio recording, obviously, but if you'd heard it you would know what it was. I told my mom about it and she got mad....at me!!!! Seriously? That pisses me off to this day! I think I was told not to use other people's things. Anyway, from what I could gather, my dad had sex with that chick and recorded it... So, right..not the best example of what a good father and husband should be. Anyway, I think the next night after they fought he was coming to say goodnight to me and I freaked out him and told him I knew what he had done and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. I think I've come to realize that that is the point when I came to think of sex as something that was shrouded in secrecy, lies and betrayal.. My parents stayed together..God knows why. My dad used to look at porn right in the middle of the dining room (right where our computer was) back then you had to wait awhile to get your naked pic from someone. It's really no wonder that I was SO socially awkward. "Yeah, come over to my house! We have no TV and my dad downloads porn all day!" Jesus fucking Christ, what a messed up situation. What a fucking weird childhood I had...

I want to also say something here that I don't think I was ready to say before. I will direct my husband to this so that he can read it hopefully before anyone else because I should be confessing this in person. There is something that happened that was significant. I can't remember how old I was now. I think probably 15. My dad would sometimes come and talk to me at night. I remember a period of time where he was doing this quite a bit, maybe a couple of weeks at a time. I didn't think anything of it at the time, I mean the coming and sitting with me at night before I fell asleep part. Anyway, I remember one night, he was giving me a back rub. And it felt nice to me, not like in a sexual way or anything like that, just like a nice, "I'm sleepy that feels nice" kind of way. So, what my dad said to me was " I better leave before this back rub turns into a front rub". I remember that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach of trying to grasp what I just heard. Was he really just confessing to me that he want to touch me or to touch himself near me? I never asked but I told him to leave my room and I told my mom the next day. I remember saying "Tell YOUR husband to stay out of my room" and I told her exactly what he said. Shortly after that they broke up for a week. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it or not but I remember when she said he was coming back. I felt devastated because I felt like we could be free of him.. I guess I was just supposed to forget about it and I think I did until recently. I can say honestly that he never touched me in any way that I ever felt was inappropriate but it is clear to me that he thought about it at the very least. Looking back I can see very clearly that he was a porn addict, and thus that explains quite a bit about how I feel about myself and my feelings regarding porn. I was more than willing to let B4L go use PMO forever since I always thought that was just normal, but at least I drew the line in the sand somewhere. That was a tough thing to write out... Again, I suppose the story could be much worse but I think what he said to me was bad enough..and the fact that my mom stayed with him after that felt like a huge betrayal to me. A lot of my feelings are coming out about this now but as I write it, I feel calm.. I will be upset when I talk to my husband tonight about it, I'm sure. But, I'm calm right now...

I want to move past that and talk about me and my sexual awakening. I told B4L all of this but I'm writing it down anyway. I had my first boyfriend at 17...but I should start before that. When I was 16 I think I started to notice that guys were starting to notice me. I was VERY shy at that point.. My parents and I lived in a duplex and new landlords had bought it when I was 15. It was a couple. I remember my mom telling me that the wife was a lesbian.. I guess they just owned property together but did their own thing otherwise? The man had to be in his mid to late 40's. He was a good looking guy, southern accent, and I didn't really think that much of him as I was only 15 when I met him. He would be around fixing things sometimes and we would talk occasionally. I was always good at talking to adults. I think I was trying to show off.. probably to get some older male attention but I'm guessing that what transpired next was more what that guy had in mind. He had tickets to a baseball game the summer I turned 17 (didn't get the boyfriend until later in that year in senior year) and this guy knew I was a big fan of our home team and for some reason (I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY) my parents thought this was totally fine??? They thought it was cool to send their 17 year old out on her own with a 45 year old man... huh?? Anyway, he spent the entire night complimenting me. Now I say that and it sounds like that could be fairly innocuous but you can believe me when I say it wasn't. There was a lot of talk about taking my virginity and about all of the things he wanted to do to me, how pretty I was becoming and how much he would like to taste me...yikes, yikes, yikes...Anyway, it was awkward for me. As I think about that it's because I am the kind of person who never wants anyone to feel awkward around me. I like for people to feel at ease around me. And this was the start of understanding that men like when you take compliments well and tease them back.
I think, understandably, that I was pretty flattered..but also scared. I was put in a pretty uncomfortable situation, and I felt my parents did nothing to protect me from it. Needless to say I think I learned that night the power I could have over a man. I think at that point I didn't really know that I was actually pretty. I think I thought I was still the geeky girl with the big glasses from a few years before..And I think, because I felt so powerless in my life in general at that point, that it made me feel good... That I could have the power to make a man want me simply based off of how I walked or how I said something, or just coming into the room? Much the same as I imagine that watching porn and masturbating to it for the first time feels for all of the porn addicts on here, it felt pretty amazing and powerful. Nothing happened between that guy and me, btw, in case you are wondering. I politely declined his request to take my virginity, as politely as someone can do that anyway and I suppose to his credit, he didn't try anything. He said he wouldn't unless I wanted him to. Part of me did I think..I don't think that it was wrong that I should feel excited by that. But, something changed for me that night. I wasn't a little girl anymore and I was really starting to realize that maybe there was something to this whole being sexy thing that I could use to my advantage. That's the wrong approach to take.. I know that now.

I had a boyfriend in high school when I was 17. My first REAL boyfriend and I think it was a pretty normal relationship. We actually did a great job of talking about sex and what we wanted. We waited awhile but we did have sex 3 months into the relationship. It wasn't what I expected...I just remember thinking "Okay, we could probably do that better" lol. I wanted to do it. I liked it and he NEVER tried to hurt me or force me. We just broke up because I was moving and he was going to school and HE didn't think it was right to try a long distance relationship.. He was a stupid selfish kid but I don't blame him now at all. All in all it was a good experience as far as my sexual history goes and he was one of only 2 partners that I've ever really had a spark with. Obviously @Browns4life is the other. The others just weren't compatible with me sexually.

Between my first boyfriend and my husband now I had a couple of boyfriends (and obviously my ex husband). They were, with the exception of my ex) nice to me. My one serious boyfriend was a nice guy, I think. Really not great in bed...at all. but I probably could have married him. In fact, I was set to move down to the town he was living in but right before that HE broke up with me.. Not a big deal to me now at all. He loved me more than I loved him and I think he knew it. I know that I had a power over him.. I think that's what I liked. That was not fair to him at all but I can't much about that now. The having power over men thing is probably another theme I will get to about myself..eventually.

I really don't want to talk about my ex right now. I will do it, but not right now. Suffice to say that he was abusive and I stayed with him for 9 years. I mean that last year we were separated but legally it was 9 years... er 8 and a half. Pretty much the worst experience of my life. I would love to know WHY..Why would I marry him. I LOVE my kids. God, I love them, but they have no idea the pain that I endured during that relationship. I'm not even sure I do. I'm not sure I'm ready to know.. I know, if not for them that I would be dead. That much I am sure of.

There was a man that I met when I was 19 and in between boyfriends. We worked together in a grocery store. He was 27. I remember thinking that he was pretty sexy. He seemed so smart and sophisticated. He came to fill in for someone in my department one day and we talked a lot. It was exciting to have a real grown up talk to me like I was a real grownup too. That sounds naive and stupid. But I was both of those things. He kissed me and I remember thinking that it was kind of dangerous because I didn't know him or anything about him. He told me how beautiful I was and how much he wanted me. We decided to go have sex. We did decide that together, so there was no forcing me into something. I thought I was such a grown up.. It was stupid and if I'm being honest, not very fulfilling me, if you catch my drift. But I think I wanted to feel that power again. It was afterwards that I discovered that he was married...ugh. Yeah, not my proudest moment, but one that I can look back on now as a 39 year old woman and say "You were a dumb kid and you didn't know any better. You can forgive yourself". I think I have.

That really brings me to @Browns4life. I'm skipping my ex for now because he is pointless. What a terrible, awful messed up place I was in when I met B4L.. And when I met him and looked into his eyes and shook his hand, I just knew. I knew what my mother meant when she told me about telling her friend that she was going to marry my dad when she first saw him. Only that feeling of joy was cut off by the fact that we were both still legally married at the time we met. We weren't on a date when we met. Just meeting in a group of friends. I think I've tried to express to him how it felt to meet him. It's like knowing you are finally home but you can't get in the front door, because someone else lives there...He was still legally married and so was I...Not a great start. We were selfish to start a relationship out of that. If I could go back and do it differently, I would. I would want him to heal and I would want to heal too. But, we were, in fact, in love. And love does make you do really dumb things..lol. I'm glad that he is all mine now. I hope he still feels the same way about me too. Because it has been with him that I have actually felt real love. I know this because it's not anything that I've ever experienced anywhere else. Sure there were guys I had fun with that I dated. Sure there were also guys that I went on dates with that I probably could have had fun with them in bed. But he was all of those things rolled into one person. Cute, fun, funny and sweet. I just fell for him, very hard. We've had so many amazing moments in time together. And some really difficult and ugly moments too, unfortunately.

Last night was one of our difficult moments. @Browns4life and I had a big fight. It didn't start off that way. I was really trying to just explain my feelings. We got angry with each other. I got angry first.. I imagine he had had enough of what he must have felt like was me pummeling him for 45 minutes. In fact he said something to that affect like "You've been lobbing insults for the last 45 minutes".. I didn't think I was but maybe I was. I concluded our fight by shouting at him. I said "You had EVERYTHING in me!! Everything! I was everything you wanted but I was STILL not enough!!" And he shouted "I gave you everything!!" at least that is what I think he said and I shouted, "No, you didn't! You gave that everything" and I gestured toward the computer.... So, not my finest moment. He was very upset (understandably so) and we didn't resolve anything before we went to sleep. He was crying and upset and I wanted to comfort him. He told me I should leave him and get far away from him and that I would have been better off with out him.. I don't know how to express how sad that makes me. He also said he hates himself and that he's a bad person...I believe that he hates himself but I don't believe he's a bad person. I intellectually understand his addiction but I can't wrap my head around it emotionally. I think that has WAY more to do with me and my history than it does with him. My husband NEVER disparages me, my looks or anything about me. He's never compared me to anyone, at least not out loud. I get that. I tried to explain that to him, that I get it. But that I couldn't stop seeing what I had found... it plays over and over in my head. That he was going to pay a woman for naked pictures. Believe me when I say how incredibly stupid I feel for crying over that. Especially on here where women have had to endure being cheated on, like actually physically being cheating on, and the virtual cheating on that porn and cam sites provide as well. They have also been told how their husbands just aren't attracted to them anymore, or that they understand that their husbands are not interested in sex with them because of their porn addiction AND not to mention the fact that there are men who just stare at other women in front of their wives.. I mean what in the actual fuck!! My husband has never done those things. He would NEVER do those things. But I can't get him to understand that seeing him ask for pictures from someone else felt exactly like he did say "you're not pretty enough, you're not sexy enough, you're not available enough" and also that it felt like he would rather PMO with them then be with me. That's what I was trying to say last night to him.. When I said "you had everything in ME. I was what you said you wanted but I was STILL NOT ENOUGH!!!". That is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm just not enough.

Not being enough...that seems to be a common theme around this place for both porn addicts and significant others. And it's a common theme in my life, apparently. Or at the very least something that I have felt, long before I even knew my husband. I cannot blame him for this feeling. I can tell him that he did not help me to overcome that feeling because of his addiction, but I will not blame him for putting those thoughts in my head. Those thoughts have been there and I can't use him to make myself feel better...for my self worth. I have to find that on my own. And I think it starts with writing all of this down and admitting that I'm very flawed and I'm not the person that I want to be yet. I have to get out all of this, as very painful as it is. I have to get it all out. I have to say to someone, anyone who might care to listen that this strong*, sexy*, fun*, funny*,sweet*, pretty*,cute*, intelligent*, witty*, charming*, alluring*, intoxicating*, gorgeous* women is just a facade. I guess I'm not really who I thought I was. I don't know what to do what that realization.

There is a lot in here. I don't know whether to post or not. I don't know if it sounds like I'm just being hysterical for no reason... I mean the thing about my dad seems like a big revelation to me. The sick part I think is that I did love him. I want to believe that he just made a mistake in saying that out loud to me. That all of the other things he did (love, support and care about me) mean more than that one thing. But there was so much more. What I mean by that is that I didn't feel loved by either of my fathers. And it has CLEARLY affected me in my adult life.

I remember after my dad died I was over at my parents house, helping my mom clean up and I found her journal. She was SO unhappy with him. She wrote about knowing he had a problem, feeling unloved, not feeling attractive to him...Ugh. That makes me so angry, just thinking about it. I loved my mom so much. I obviously think she handled that situation with my dad poorly but I can tell you that he NEVER made any comments like that to me again so I know she did something about it. Still, I shouldn't make excuses for her. It was the wrong move to stay with him and her wrong move brought 2 kids into this world that she didn't get to see grow up.. and that I am now responsible for (technically my brother is an adult, but you know what I mean).

I don't know what to do. B4L mentioned that I could go see a therapist as well and I think that might be a good idea. (I said that sort of sarcastically. Sure sounds like I need one) I've spent a long time on this post. But I can't post it. Not until I talk to my husband. Which I can't do because he's at work and I'm not burdening him with this now. I will share this will him before I post it. Maybe tonight? I don't know

I know what it is like to feel broken..maybe that's why I empathize with so many men on here, my husband included. Although I'm not sure if he thinks I do. I can't control what he thinks though. I can only control what I do.

My whole life I only wanted something normal. I realize that sounds strange or maybe even stupid. I think that most people think that their family is abnormal. Growing up being a step kid did not feel very normal. Having a weird, porn addicted dad did not feel normal, so what do I do as an adult? I marry Moron... the weirdest, most obnoxious, most unintelligent, biggest asshole on the face of the planet!! Why? Maybe because he was the only guy I ever met who wasn't "enthralled" by me. In fact I don't think he thought much of me other than as a way to look normal to the rest of the world. So the girl who wants a normal life, never gets one...ever. But maybe I'm looking at it all wrong...what the hell is normal anyway? Good question. I always used to think that B4L and I could have had a normal life together if we hadn't married our stupid ex's. We could have had OUR kids, always had OUR house, and OUR family. Instead we share our children with people who hurt them. I'm no better than my own mother. I can't do anything to stop my ex from hurting my kids (I mean emotionally, not physically, because Moron is a master at that). Believe me I've tried. I've taken him to court, I've got my kids in therapy, but at the end of the day, I chose their father. I chose very poorly for them. I've tried to explain it to them but how can I? I can't understand it myself! My oldest resigns himself to the fact that he just won't have a real relationship with his dad. My youngest has had some revelations about his dad but nothing on the level on my oldest son. The only thing I can say to them is that I love them and I'm happy that they are my boys. And just pray that I haven't fucked their lives up too badly..I do pray about that a lot.

This started off as a way to bring my childhood and the argument that I had with B4L last night to full circle. I don't know if I've done that or not or if this is just a big brain dump of all kinds of awful things. I know I've cried a lot. I know I want to retreat under the covers... I'd love to bury myself in some chocolate cake too but I don't eat sugar so that isn't really an option. Mostly what I want right now is to be in B4L's arms. I have to tell him all of this. So I'll just post this later. I don't even know if anyone reads this.. it doesn't really matter. But I have to tell him these things. I can't just post this for the rest of the world. This is not how he should find out about my revelation..

I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be more than okay. I can pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going...









*Those are some of the compliments men have given me over the years. I'm not saying I am those things.

 

I read the above post to my husband last night. Felt good to get it all out. It's been really helpful to start talking about all that stuff from my childhood. I hope that it has helped my husband too.

Since yesterday was spent just crying and writing I'm going to try to be a bit more constructive today. Have to go get birthday party invitations for our youngest son's party. We've decided on a basketball theme so I'm off to find matching invitations. It's nice to have a kid who appreciates my need to match things! Lol.

I'm feeling better today. I think today will be a good day!

 

Aww, thank you so much @Jonnyb4. I like that compliment very much! You're very kind to give it to me.

It was a hell of a day! Lol. I feel so much better for having told B4L about all of that and he was very supportive and sweet and understanding, which helped a lot! Now maybe I've inspired you to open up a bit to your wife? I hope so! Although I understand your trepidation. Keep me and @Browns4life in mind if you need to talk about that!

Thanks again!

 

I understand you completely. I'm just sorry that you've had to deal with such a big burden on your own. If you need to vent always feel free to write me here or in a message.

I agree with you about sex drives being an issue for couples. Seems like something people should really talk about before they get married. I think it's definitely something I'm going to talk to all my kids about. I guess that might sound weird but I just mean I want them to understand how important communication is with your partner. Communication is a big key for everyone and I think most of us sit in silence instead of communicating what we want and need. I know I've done that in the past. Not anymore though.

I want to live a meaningful life. I need to figure out how to do that. I want to find out where I go from here... I want to be better today than I was yesterday. Or maybe even better this afternoon than I was this morning. I feel like I have a lot of soul searching to do. I think I'm ready to do it...

 

Movie lines and songs lyrics are a big part of my life. I think my husband and I are always quoting lines or lyrics to each other or the kids. I've always been kind of a mimic myself. I pick up on accents quickly. When I was in England in my early 20's I seriously came home with an English accent. Lol. After only like 10 days there!!

I guess I bring that up now because I think throughout this ordeal I've been quoting more things to myself. Song lyrics that I've always loved, without understanding why, have made more sense to me lately. The same for certain movie lines too. I was thinking of why.. Maybe I'm not great at expressing myself with just my own words? Nah.. Lol. I have plenty of my own words. Maybe I just have a major flair for the dramatic??.. that is far more likely. But I think I'm learning to listen to what's running through my head now. For example, I was thinking about life being full of pain and I remembered some lines from The Princess Bride. I don't remember what Buttercup says first but Wesley says:

Life IS pain, Highness.
Anyone who says differently is selling something
​

That always made me laugh when I was a kid and I still chuckle at it now. I guess I've been thinking about that because I've been in a lot pain lately. Like A LOT of pain. I really hate that. I want to tell that pain to go fuck off. But I have a feeling that I've spent a good portion of my life being fun and funny to avoid being in pain. It makes sense to me that comedies are often very sad people. I've always felt like a performer. When I was younger my music teacher thought I had talent so she always stuck me with every solo she could so I could be front and center...because lets face it, what is more adorable than a little blonde, blue eyed girl who could sing well at her Christmas pageants.. I remember her telling my mom that I should go and try out for a musical that the local college was putting on. It could have been a great opportunity... I remember telling my mom that I wanted to go over to my friends house instead of going to try out. To her credit, my mom didn't push me and my short lived music career was over. Lol. I wish I had some of that little girl gumption in me now. The little girl that wanted to play with her friends instead of thinking what a huge opportunity to be on stage could have been. I didn't want it so I said no. Sure wish I had taken that attitude into my adult life.

When I met my husband, I remember feeling this tremendous sense of relief. That sounds like a weird thing to say. Don't get me wrong, I felt other things too. Like a deep attraction to him, not just physically...but I loved the way he laughed so easily. I'm a performer so I always need an audience. And believe me when I say my first husband didn't give a crap about my performances. Lol. Anyway, my husband and I just fit together. I say it was a relief because it was like "Finally, I found you. You're what I've been looking for. YOU will love me the way I need to be loved and I can do the same for you"... But I didn't factor into that that I was in a very bad place when we met. I should have said "I think I could really love you but I REALLY need to get my shit together first"... I should have but I was selfish and wanted to feel happiness...after not feeling any for 9 years, I thought I kinda deserved it. Like I said, it was selfish.

Bringing everything to now, I'm feeling like I want to really work on me. I told my husband that we both need to do that..work on ourselves. I'm not sure what that looks like. I understand that he is afraid that I'm going to want to end our marriage. Even writing that makes me feel sick...but honestly, I HAVE to be okay with that if that's the outcome, and so does he. It isn't what I want. BUT things HAVE to change. What does that change look like?? I need to think about it and write about... it...

I guess I can see where my husband would be afraid because it seems like I'm saying "Be perfect or I will leave you." Definitely have never said that but I know that sometimes we hear things that aren't really what our partners have said. I have done that to him, so I understand. I'm not saying "be perfect", but I guess I'm saying to myself, how much more can I endure? I think the majority of the time the answer to that is "Everything, as long as we are together"..Is that romantic or just stupid? Could be both I guess.

This is what is going through my head this morning, so I will write it here. It's from The Lord of the Rings, in case you aren't a huge dork like me. lol

It's like in the great stories Mr Frodo,
the ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were,
and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because
how could the end be happy?
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But, in the end, it's only a passing thing this shadow,
even darkness must pass.
A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer.
I know now that folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't
They kept going because they were holding on to something.
That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo, and its worth fighting for.​

​

 

It has been pretty rough but I am okay and I'm hopeful that B4L is too. We've just been really dealing with a lot and I think my disclosure to him about my past has stirred up feelings I have buried. Mostly about how I feel objectified by the majority of the men in my life. NOT by him in our relationship at all. But porn is objectification of women, so I'm sure there is an aspect of that in my general attitude towards my husband. However, he is right when he says he is still the same man that he has always been, although he should know that he is an even better man know than he was 100 days ago. We've had a wonderful life together so far, and it has been filled with love, fun, passion, despair, heartbreak..all that wonderful and not so wonderful stuff. You know, life stuff. I know that he feels like I'm saying that the last 10 years together don't matter or that they were all horrible and I'm REALLY not saying that at all. I think we've both done an amazing job of being in this relationship despite being people who should have worked on loving ourselves first. B4L mentioned to me that he thought the first 90 days of this were a lot of us just getting through him recovering from wanting to look at porn and I think he is so right when he says that now the REAL work is beginning. It's not going to be easy, but nothing that is worth having ever is.

Thank you for saying I can message you. You are very kind and we both appreciate you!

Great movie! I love Robin Williams in that movie! That's a perfect summation of B4L and myself. I think our problem all along has been that we've wanted to be perfect for each other and that's just not possible or fair. Funny thing is that neither of us has ever asked the other to be perfect. We've just wanted to, I think, because we haven't want to lose the other one..not understanding that we fell in love with ALL of each other..our faults, our strengths and weaknesses... I just know that I have to really work on loving myself and being incredibly honest with B4L about everything.

It's funny that you quoted this

This was exactly the line that B4L pointed out to me yesterday that really upset him so I would like to clarify if I can. He doesn't HAVE to be okay with anything. I want him to get better and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled..even if it isn't with me. Maybe I'm afraid that at the end of this journey of my own self discovery, of me REALLY getting out all of my feelings and baggage, maybe he won't want me? Maybe I've felt like for so long that I wasn't enough for him (I know @Browns4life , you've explained yourself on this point quite a bit and I get it, intellectually) that that feeling won't go away? I mean I think that it has started to go away but it's definitely a process. It won't happen over night. I think B4L and I have a tendency to want to skip to the end of problems and get back to US and while that is sweet and romantic, it leads to us ultimately NOT actually dealing with our problems. I think that is what I was trying to express yesterday in my post..that I want to actually fix what is wrong and come through this together. I HAVE to be okay with any outcome because if I am okay with any outcome then I think it means I've healed. I know the outcome that I want and I think it is the most likely and most logical outcome, but I just wanted to express that I need to feel like things have actually changed, meaning that WE have both separately and collectively worked through our problems, for real, and that we aren't skipping to the parts of the story that make us feel good. All of it has to be dealt with, the good the bad and the possibility that it won't end the way we want. If we can confront that possibility and face it together then we will have confronted and defeated our greatest fear. I know we can do it.

B4L and I talked last night. I thought it was a good talk, looking back on it this morning. It was hard to hear some of the things that he was saying but the truth hurts sometimes. He's right about a lot.. I was telling him that I feel like I've been waiting for him to do some big grand gesture.. Something to prove how much he loves me and I saw the hurt on his face when I said that. He's right.. He does a million little things, everyday to show me that he loves me. I guess maybe what he doesn't understand is that I have felt like I wasn't enough..not worthy of him, and whether that is from the porn addiction or my own demons.. I mean it's probably a bit of both. I guess I want to feel like he thinks I'm worth it. I'm not sure though that that is on him. Because if I don't think I'm enough or that I'm worth it, then how can he? I'm not saying he does feel that way, I'm strictly talking about how I feel. And that has kinda been my point that I've been trying to make, in vain, I feel. That things HAVE to change, that I HAVE to change. I can't really control what he does but I can control what I do. I will love him no matter what, because as I've said before I don't have a choice of whether or not I love him. I just do.

I probably shouldn't write when I haven't finished my tea or eaten breakfast. lol. But I think I'll keep what I wrote because I made some good points. I'm going to write for me and not for B4L. I gotta do something for me. This is my journal and I want to be real and honest here. I'm proud of myself and of B4L for the hard work that we have put into this. We will keep moving forward and I can see that future that I want... I know what it looks like. Just need to do all the hard work to get there.

 

I really haven't gotten that much done today. I don't have all the kids today so I should be able to get a bit done this afternoon, however I don't feel guilty about not doing that much. Sometimes it's good to take a little break.

I did go clothes shopping today, just for me! I really needed long sleeved shirts because even though it gets cold here in the winter, I just never really wear long sleeves. Anyway, I'm a thrifty person so I love to shop at discount places and fortunately we have 4 clothing stores near by that are those kinds of stores. I just went to one though and I found a sweater that said Tres Jolie on it, which 4 years of high school French has helped me to translate to "Very Pretty". I'm not usually a "wear a shirt with writing on it" kinda girl but I thought this was the perfect shirt for me to find today! My husband knows why and it is for a very good reason.

I'm working on a letter to my husband. Just something that I don't think needs posted here. More private things and inside jokes that no one here would get anyway. lol. I think it's going well so far. It's REALLY long. I guess I have a lot to say! Makes sense because to me I feel like he's been away for awhile but I also feel like he's coming back and I'm grateful for that.

Today has been good so far but the teenagers have yet to come home so that could change. Lol. I feel lighter and better today. I know it's a roller coaster ride and it's not always fun but I'm glad I have this journal and this place to come to. It DOES help, even if it hurts to have to be here. I'm trying to not turn away from those hurt feelings, but instead confront them for what they really are.

I think B4L and I will have a bit more time to talk tonight and I'm grateful for that. I hope that we continue to try to communicate what we are feeling. Even if he can't understand me and I can't understand him (I'm strictly talking about how his addiction has made him think, not about most thing in general) that's okay. Because we are trying to make it better and really, that's all we can do.

 

B4L and I did get to talk last night. I get the feeling (could be wrong) that he wants to stall a bit in talking to me about all the PA stuff. I wasn't upset about that. I was just thinking that he probably wants our old conversations back because it's very natural for us to talk about things we are thinking about or our day... We did talk about PA stuff so it wasn't like he was avoiding it. I thought it was kind of cute actually. There was no agenda behind it. He was just excited to tell about something he was interested in. It was sweet..

So this weekend will be our weekend without our kids and the last weekend that is ours together before he goes on a work trip. We talked a bit about it last night. He was explaining all of his filters and apps and contingencies which is good and even had me change a password to something on his phone for him to something only I know. I'm happy that he is thinking ahead and setting himself up for success. But if I'm being honest, I hate ALL of this. I appreciate him wanted to make me feel at ease but I detest the fact that I have to have that conversation with him in the first place. You know, I try really hard, in fact I don't have to try hard, because I am a pretty compassionate person (especially when it comes to people I love) to understand the way he might be feeling about all of this. But what I am trying to focus on in this journal is how I am feeling about all of this. And how I feel is that it is ridiculous to me that we have to have a plan for him not use porn to masturbate to. I find that insulting and irritating. Don't get me wrong, because I'm starting to (I think) understand a bit more about addiction and how all of the many years of masturbating to porn has affected his brain, however, it pisses me off that we are here in this position of me feeling like I should be checking up on him... I think I just need to express sometimes that this is bullshit and that I wish that it wasn't happening. I think acknowledging the anger is important to me because otherwise it's just going to sit there and not be addressed and I'm really done handling things that way. I think it's exactly the way that yoda describes fear and anger and hate and suffering "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I would just clarify and say that I think anger leads to resentment which leads to not communicating which leads to suffering... His way of putting it sounds cooler though. Lol. But I am afraid and have been afraid...maybe that's what I mean when I talk about wanting to be okay...I just don't want to be afraid anymore.. hmmm. I will have to explore that more.

On the other side of that is that I REALLY want to be there for my husband, not in a "I'm going to check up on you kind of way", just in a "I love you and I'm here for you" kind of way. We understand that we BOTH need some help with things that happened way before we met. I know that I do and I know that I must change my mindset in order to get what I want. I don't think we can go back to the couple that we were before but I do think we can be much better than that couple.

Well, I have a basketball game to go to this afternoon and stuff to do before the long drive there. I'm looking forward to our weekend and hope that we just continue communicating in whatever form that we want that communication to come in. B4L mentioned yesterday that sex has always been a big part of our relationship, and I agree and I know that I thought it was a pretty healthy part of our relationship too. I think that our lack of communication about different things has led us to where we are. I'm not making that mistake again! What we have is worth it so I have to be better...I think he should be better too but I can't control him, nor do I want to.

Anyway, It will be a good weekend.

 

I didn't and don't check up on him. He was freely giving me information and it made me feel like I should have already been asking for it. Like I was stupid not to be asking. I'm not saying HE made me feel that way, it's just how I felt. And that, in turn, just made me feel mad because I don't like the reason for having to "check up " on him in the first place. That's really what I was writing about...that I hate that this is part of our lives. I accept that it is but I also know I dont have to like it.

I think writing about feeling mad about this has helped a lot because after I do then I can get to a place where I can say how I would much rather just be there for him if he needs me. Not check up on him like he is a child. It is a process and we are both working on it together.

Healing is the goal. It will not only take time but work on both our parts. We were already a strong couple and have faced a lot of things together. We now need to start facing uncomfortable things from our pasts and we are going to have to do that together too.

 

Thank you for the suggestions on the books. Probably a good idea for me to learn more about the brain changes you mentioned. Information is good but I'm sorry to hear that you read something that upset you. You didnt deserve for that to happen when you were just trying to educate yourself.