Having a *hard* time

Sounds like he has either relapsed or is still in process of rebooting to me.

 

Why wouldn’t you let him see you cry? Why wouldn’t you straight up ask him if he’s relapsed?

 

Both good questions. I think we men really need to see how we are impacting our partners.

I had a long and difficult conversation about sex with my partner last night and felt like kicking myself after for not having the b*lls to bring it up sooner. Why? Because I learned once again how my sexual issues were causing grief on her end. And . . . most of that grief was unnecessary. It was mostly borne of misunderstandings (and lack of communication).

Also, as a man, I can say that it is really, really hard to admit that I relapsed with masturbation (even though there was no porn or fantasy involved, they were just sad little "slips" that happened in the shower). I imagine that maybe she'd just rather not know and I fear that she'd be hurt somehow. Yet, part of me longs to tell her that I slipped because then she might better understand why things have been off lately.

 

I just don’t expect my husband to read my mind and I definitely don’t hide what I’m feeling or thinking, lol. But I was raised in a family that talked about everything!

 

Totally get the extra stress this time of year! Lol. I wasnt attacking you, I was just genuinely curious why you wouldn’t cry in front of him or ask him if he had slipped. It wouldn’t occur to me to go cry in private. Plus I wouldn’t have the self control to not blurt out asking If he had relapsed.

 

Hey, something I'm actually qualified to answer, I have a penis, go me!

First let me say how unfortunate that you are struggling, you are going through this. It must be humiliating to feel like you are the reason for his loss of his erection. I am so sorry.

The real truth is it isn't bump between his legs going soft, it's the 3lb organ between our ears that is failing. It's brain control and focus that actually keep us hard.

That being said, there are certainly blood vessels and nerves that respond to sensitivity and keep it erect. Stroking, resistance and textures etc. all contribute to the penis staying hard. Certain positions DO feel better.

Often times during sex, what might be feeling great one minute changes and sensation is lost and we may not stay hard. So what. It is at this point our mind must take over and get lost in the moment again.

Sex shouldn't be measured on the yardstick of erections and orgasms. It should be about connection and pleasuring the partner, exposing our vulnerability, and becoming satisfied.

More than asking about relaspes and slips, (which indeed are crucial to know) it may be worthwhile to know if he is objectifying you during sex or fantasizing. What is his cerebral organ really doing? What are his goals for intercourse? What's really brain blocking him?

As unnatural as it for me to say as an addict, my advice is, if you ever feel uncomfortable during sex or want to stop because of any pain (physical, emotional, psychological) he owes it to you to immediately stop and provide safety. You are under no obligation ever to satisfy him at your own expense. It is never helpful in the long run. And won't help his recovery. Do not suffer in silence. His penis is never in charge, where his heart should be.

Take care of yourself, you are worth it.