Please I´m going insane.

First off, thanks for opening this thread. I know there are tons of new threads every day so thank you.

So, I´m a 21 yo guy and I´m still a virgin. I haven´t had any sexual or romantic contact with anyone.

I´m currently trying to get help but I don´t know who and where should I seek help, because I hardly trust any psychologist since the last one I have visited when I was on my 9th grade.

For a little backstory:

Since I can remember, I always liked girls, I remember I got girlfriends, I started to have some dreams about girls when I was on 4th grade. I imagined kissing the most beautiful girl on the class and all I felt was butterflies on my stomach, I can still remember I got really excited when I touched her hand lmao I was such a nerd guy back there.

Then I moved to another school, it was smaller than average and it was a religious one. I used to get along very well with guys, we would talk about sports, playing video games....

But I was that really inocent kid. I was that kid that didn´t had access to internet, all I woried about was having fun and winning every race or killing every enemy on CS lol

Until, I had one friend that was more ahead than me at that time in sexual terms. I remember he started to show everybody naked woman and porn. I have some light memories of me searching for naked women and watching porn on school computers. I really enjoyed what I was watching until I watched porn for the first time. I remember that one friend of mine showing me an intense hardcore scene of a girl being fucked by a guy and I was really traumatized. I couldn´t take out that image of my head for days, I couldn´t sleep and all I was thinking about was that it would hurt penetrating a women and I remember I went to my mum saying that I didn´t wanted to have a girlfriend because it would hurt me LMAO (before you judge me, I had phimosis back there and when I saw the penis going violent to that hole (called vagina) I just though it would be painful).

I think that this trauma got away when I could feel great about touching my dick and retracting my skin back and stuff.

Then I started to watch straight porn (this was when I was on my 6/7th grade) I really enjoyed it but one thing that bothered me was trying not to look at the guy and some videos were focused on the guy and I didn´t liked it that much. I was really disgusted by the men, I didn´t felt anything towards him.

And yeah, I started to develop some feelings for girls.

One summer when I knew this girl and I really wanted to kiss her but my other friend that introduzed me to porn liked her as well. He hitted puberty way earlier than myself. She got more attracted to him and they kissed and I got a little disapointed about that. I started to wonder what did he had that I didn´t had.

While we were on the summer camp my school organized, this friend (amazing how this friend impacted me lol) and I went to a closed place. He wanted to show me some naked women and I was excited until he started to ask to see my dick. I was freezed out because I didn´t wanted him to see my tiny peepee and I didn´t wanted to show him because I didn´t felt the need to do that. He kept insisting on it, saying that he would show his as well. I wasn´t curious at that time. It was such an awkward moment. I think our relationship was a bit affected by it and I just ignored him for some days. Obviously I forgot what he asked to me that time and moved on and we still got friends.

I remember he used to say that he had the bigger dick, he used to say that every girl prefers the bigger ones, he used to guess every girls pussy based on their physical appearence, even the guys size... it´s just weird thinking about it now lol. I remember there were rumours he used to jerk off with one friend and all I though was disgust.

During this time, there is another guy, it was the son of my friend´s mom. He was one year older but once again, he was ahead of me sexually. One time he slept in my bed with me (we only had 1 bed at my bedroom and I didn´t cared to share my bed with him - well actually it was a little awkward but I though we were just sleeping without touching each other - until he started to go next to me and start to simulate fucking me or trying to kiss me, I pushed him away and he apologized for doing that.) The next day I saw his dick, it was well above average at that time, my self esteem started to go really down because I was so little that I used to go to yahoo and ask: "I´m 13 years old is my dick going to grow up" lmao.

I was that guy that started puberty really late, my mom was always comparing me to other boys how they were more smarter, how they were more taller than me. It really affected me. I started to having insecurities about my height. I think she didn´t do it on purpose, she was passing a bad time with the divorce and she was getting into a depression. It was an hard time for me.

And now it´s where porn starts to get really strange. I was on 8/9th grade maybe? I remember I went from straight porn to zoophilia, I used to watch horses fucking girls, dogs licking pussy and I used to touch myself to that shit. Remember, I was 13/14 that time. It was at this time that I started to notice how big dicks were and how amazed the girls would get just looking at them (on porn). This had another impact on me and I started to overthink about it and started to think that I will never please a girl because I wasn´t big enough and she would never want to have anything with me. I still think this way.

I went from zoophilia to incest, until one day we were talking about homosexuality. I started to wonder how guys would make sex? From the ass? Thinking about that disturbed me at that time. Until one time I went to gay porn sites and clicked one video out of curiosity. I tried watching it with an open mind until they started to kiss each other and I just closed the video and went directly to do my homework.

Forthermore, I don´t know how this happened, maybe too much porn, or because I though about that day my friend asked me to see my dick and I went to search for friends showing dick to each other. I started to see this video where two friends were showing each others dick and I found it exciting to see who was the bigger one but just that. I just liked the idea of being the "bigger man" and making that person feel what I feel when I see another penis bigger than mine.

After some time, I started to fantasize about wanting to see how my male friends were down there just to see if I was the bigger man on the class. Obviously I wasn´t. I was probably the smallest one and that really made me go really bad about myself, about not wanting to talk to girls that would never choose me or if they asked me to show them my dick i wouldn´t want to be embaressed and be the talk between the girls.

Then I started to fantasize about possesing a big dick and I just wanted to see big dicks fucking girls and I tried to imagine myself being those guys fucking those "hot" women.

When I started high school I went to a school with over 3000 students. It was really huge compared to my 90 students school lol. It was a hell of a difference between the private school and the public one. I remember that I was so nervous because I would meet new people and stuff. There were some atractive girls on my class, I actually dmed one girl on Facebook when we got to know our classmates but I was so shy that I barely sayed hi to her on the first day of school.

Guys started to bully me because I was kind of different. I couldn´t make friends easier because I started to develop this "what will they think about me? what if I say something stupid? What if they don´t want to be my friends" but at the end of the day they were just bullies that used to be on sports, having all the hot girls and making fun of everybody. I wasn´t that way, so I just formed a group of girls from my previous school that were from my class and then I joined more unsettled guy friends. We really had fun, I really miss those times.

I enjoyed watching football (so called european soccer on US) but I never took sports too seriously, at PE i was the lazy guy that didn´t wanted to do anything so I obviously was mostly excluded from groups. I don´t blame anyone except myself from not being picked up.

I remember at the locker rooms I was the one that never showered because I was afraid that someone could see my tiny penis and make fun of it and tell every girl on the class and I didn´t felt too confortable being naked around other guys. They started to assume that I was gay because I didn´t used to shower like everybody on the class. That affected me on so many levels. I just wasn´t confortable on showing myself to anyone. Even at doctor check ups I refused to make any physical exam involving showing my genitals. I think it wasn´t nothing related to being homosexual or not.

And yeah, then I had another friend (this one didn´t made anything sexual or intended to do anything sexual lmao) he hooked up with one girl from another city and he might have talked about me to her because she asked to follow me on Facebook and I accepted it. We started to talking, she was getting worried about him because she didn´t had any news from him since that summer.

She was really beautiful I can recall, I wanted to meet her in real life but I was so fucking shy or, as you might say. a pussy. Forthermore, she was really far away from me and I couldn´t simply tell my mum that I was about to catch a bus to Lisbon just to see her (My mom was really protective and stuff) soo we used to talk for more than 1 year by messages and we never had met face to face.

She actually sent me a nude one day and I wanted to send her a nude too but I was so afraid that she could just spread that out and making fun of me that I haven´t sent anything even though I wanted to if I had a bigger penis. I was in a conflict. I started to really enjoy talking with her and I wanted to see her and kiss her and maybe being intimate with her but distance and pussyness wouldn´t let me do it. So I decided to end our whatevership because I was getting some deep feelings and we couldn´t be together almost every day so I ended up with the rational (at that time) option and we stopped talking. It was a little bit hard to me because I was used to talk with her and missing her text messages was hell.

Later that year I decided to get retention and repeat my 11th year. My grades weren´t good enough to persue to university. And this is where I met one girl that really destroyed me psychologically (if you want to know the full story just ask in the comments - but TLDR: She was in love with me and I wanted to know her slowly, I actually believed we could have something. We were from the same class, had same friends, she prohibited myself from seeing/talking with my friends and we were just knowing each other, she used to stalk me on social media, asked about my entire life to me old best friend at that time - that was in love with her, she used him to make me jealous, I ended up my friendship with my best friend at that time because of her and he actually went into a deep depression and I wasn´t there to help him, instead I still was hopping for a romantic relationship with this girl).

Now the part that I want to reach:

After that, I started to think: Maybe I´m gay.

I went from every bisexual porn, mfm porn, every gay porn, dad and son gay porn, friends gay porn, jerking off each other porn. My dick got erected by it this time. I don´t know why but I think I was aroused by that.

Maybe it was because I was feeling less of a men that I started to develop this thing about wanting to touch another bigger dick than mine? I wanted to see what it would be like to feel another dick? Maybe I have repressed feelings even though I didn´t liked any of my male friends? Maybe I was always gay but my brain repressed that and made me think that I was going to like girls just because society said to do that? Maybe it faked feelings to protect me? I don´t know anymore. I have read so many things from gay people saying they had repressing feelings, they were in denial and they didn´t noticed it, I don´t really know anymore. I don´t want to be in denial. I don´t want to know that I have lived a whole lie my entire life. I just want to be happy and I am clearly not happy at this moment. To be honest, I can´t remember the last time I was really happy.

As someone adviced me: "Go to grindr and talk to some gay guys" and that was what I made. I went there and started to talk with other gay guys just to see if I felt anything. It didn´t felt right (i hope this isn´t homophobic), they were saying that they wanted to fuck me and wanted me to fuck their ass and stuff like that. The only thing I wanted to try is just touching another dick and just that. Some didn´t believed what I was telling them and started to say I was in denial and that it wasn´t possible. I started to freak out.

For those who don´t know, the vast majority asks for a picture and they all say I am handsome and I just say thanks for courtesy because if they say I am ugly or handsome it doesn´t make me any impact on me. If it was a girl it would make an impact on me.

I know this will sound controversal but I actually have jerked off with some guys virtually. Sometimes we share photos of girls we would fuck together, sometimes I jerk off with gay guys just because they have a big penis. I try to think about the pleasure that I would have if I was stroking that penis, if that penis was mine. Then I start to think of a girl fucking him, then I start to think of our cocks fucking the girl that I imagine, she is getting really crazy by it and yeah.

I know this might be an homosexual act, and yeah I accept it and I know it. It is obviously an homosexual act but I just "enjoy" it in the moment. When I finish cumming I just don´t care about that guy and I really feel bad usually idk why.

I might admite I want to touch another cock, I have that curiosity and now I get erections just by thinking about it, but what I really wanted to do is being able to be with a girl, I really wanted to be able to feel secure and no judgement from her and do everything I want to do with her without any laughs or humilation.

But now every girl wants a real man, that already knows how to fuck, how to satisfy her, how to kiss very well and to please her at the very best. I get really pissed off when some girl friends of mine start to tell me how great a guy was on her, I just get really jealous because I start to think the guy is a way better man than me because he has done what I might never be capable to do with a women. I feel hopeless and really depressed just by thinking about it.

When I go to parties or clubs, I usually never look at guys or persue them to have sexual or romantic contact with. I genuinely don´t care about them (i think). When I am on alcohol effect I just want to kiss girls but then I start to think more ahead and get anxious about it. You could say: "Just drink more alcohol" but almost no girl wants to get along with a very drunk guy that can barely talk.

The only think I tend to do is look at other guys who I think that are attractive to girls, that dresses well and I just want to copy their outfits and try to be like them. I really wanted to take this out of myself because I see it´s a bit toxic.

Who should I see? A psychiatric, A psychologist or a sexologist? I don´t want anyone to force me going into someone that I don´t want. If I end up being gay, let that be. If I start to get feelings by a guy, let that be. If I start to get feelings by a girl even better. I just need help to overcome this shit that I developed. I am just tired to think I am living a lie. I obviously want to be more with girls than guys because what I possibly want from a guy is just touching his dick out of curiosity or jerking off with him. With a girl I want to have a sex life, I want to kiss her, being intimate with her, having a relationship. But then I start to think: "is this what you really want? If you really wanted to be with a girl you wouldnt want to try things with a guy... maybe you are gay and you are denying it" this is what is messing up with me. I´m tired of this thoughts. I´m tired of thinking that I am not capable of thinking by myself and that I don´t know what I really want or what I am really attracted. It just sucks being this way and it´s affecting my life. I´m 21, I should be living my life while I am "young" and I don´t want to regret anything I have ever done when I get older. I don´t want to reach my 50´s and the only memories I can get are depression and confusion from my earlier years when I could ether be enjoying life.

And this year I went to a big party where all college students go, and I started to talk with a girl, I almost kissed her but I started to think: "What if she doesn´t like it? What if she wants to fuck with me? What if she don´t want to have sex with me because of my penis? and i just get away. Eventually I got really drunk that I asked if I could kiss a girl and she sayed only on the face that was an oof moment. My friends sayed I was really happy about it but they just made fun of me for asking a kiss (hey at least I was polite) and that I started to scream very loud that I wanted to eat pussy that night.

And after some minutes we got to a girl friend of my friends. We were about to do an after party at her place, smoke weed and chill there and after 5 minutes she asked me if I was gay. I started to freak out, no girl has ever told me and she didn´t even knew nothing about me. I started to say that she has nothing to do with it unless she was interested in me and she just got quite.

After this, I started to develop what is called I believe HOCD, with the exception that before this episode I already was curious about the penis thing. But after that episode it really triggered my thoughs.

I think if I was homosexual I would have known since the very beggining. I had no reason to be in denial or not dating guys because my family and friends are very lgbtq+ friendly and I want to say that by any means I´m lgbtq+phobic.

Please don´t troll, this is a serious thread. I hope you never face sexual orientation confusion.

Every comment is well welcomed.

Sorry for the long post and for possible grammar mistakes, English isn´t my first language and Thank You if you have reached until this point.

 

Hey, thanks for reading this and answer to it.

I already made that test and I got an 1 on that scale. I can consider the bisexual option. The thing is that on my country there are really rare girls that accept bisexuality. They see bisexuality more of "he is still in denial and I don´t want to be cheated to find out he ended up with a guy".

I think I would be more confortable with a girl because there would have more intimacy.

Well, I don´t expect to have a super model or anything like that. I just want a normal girl. But obviously personality would be the biggest win over every other aspect. I prefer to be in a relationship with a girl instead of one night stands. I´m unexperienced, I couldn´t be a good one night stand so I can´t simply go to clubs and try to fuck someone.

How can I quit porn? It´s literally impossible. One part of me starts to think that it´s repressing your real desires and another part of me believes that it will actually help me.

My final though is that: If I had a great penis, I am not saying more than 8 inches, and if I had huge confidence on myself I probably wouldn´t be in this state. I think porn and my late interest in sexual things really ruined me. I really want to take this negative thoughts out of my head this idea of bigger the dick = better the sex. I know there are hundreds of million ways to satisfy one women but I want to do everything to be the best on that. If I could I wish I could born again in another brain.

 

Between 7/8 inches it would be the type of dick I would like to have instead of mine. I already met various friends and I have never felt any romantic feeling. On the other hand with girls, I already felt them. I already met a gay men, I just sayed to them that I really apreciated he was gay (I was drunk) and that I was in no means homophobic and that I told him I hope nobody threatened him bad lmao but then I just went away and didn´t care too much about it.

I already tried to watch coming out stories, pretty much every one of them keeps saying that they knew they liked boys since childhood and stuff. I wasn´t like that. But i don´t know. Now I doubt myself for literally every choise I make every day. It´s really affecting my performance on college, I´m getting more depressed than ever, I´m not enjoying life like everybody on Instagram or Facebook seems to enjoy. It looks like every person is already matched up for every person. And people that aren´t matched are the ones that are predestinated to being single.

I think my main problem is more on psychological issues. The thoughts. That´s why I wanted to see a psychologist or a sexologist to talk about this. It´s very true that I´m perfectionist. I have a hard time when I can´t do anything unless I think it will be perfect or with nearly zero imperfections. I want to give my best to everything, I want to be the best at something. I know that nobody is perfect, and perfection isn´t human but I can´t deal with bad choises.

Oh and I know you aren´t trying to turn me bisexual or homosexual. I just don´t know how people can fuck with someone, how can they not have insecurities, how they don´t get anxious? I don´t get it

 

Hey, thanks for the answer.

My main concern is trying to be intimate with someone. I used to be more open to everyone, but as years passed by I became more close about talking. I'm not ready to be in a relationship or talking to let that be a woman/men.

I need to fix myself internally first so I can do everything I want to do. Sometimes I just hug a pillow and imagine that pillow would be someone I could hug so hard and be next to them, that I start crying for like really long minutes. I feel so lonely.

Unfortunately, I may have a distorced perspective about women, but the few girls I talk to nowadays are just friends and sometimes they start to talk about the guys that approach them on their DM's or even at the club and they start to ridiculate him, I start to think that maybe every girl is like that so I will not even approach no girl. Then, I feel jealous that some guys get them because I start to think that I wanted to be trying it with a girl but I don't think I have all the conditions for it.

Is it true that I have an huge sex anxiety. I'm really afraid I don't get an erection, I'm afraid I won't enjoy it, I'm afraid that she doesn't get turned on, I'm afraid she starts to think that she doesn't turn me on, I'm afraid of not cumming and she starts to think that I'm gay, that I lied to her...

I think I never noticed I was addicted to porn until I started to have distorced images of guys. At first I though it was normal because it might be hormones and stuff but some years back I started to lose feelings, lose the necessity to talk to girls because I was always saying that cute/hot girl wouldn't care about me and I would just be rejected (I don't know if this is another mechanism my brain uses to protect me from thinking that I am actually gay or bi or whatever.), that she was actually more experienced than me, has seen many guys, she will start to compare me to others (I know this is a normal human behavior).

Basically, I'm just a pussy. And I can't stop thinking about it. I already tried to change my mentality, but I can't, I only have two options remaining. Or I get a good psychologist or I will just end myself. I can't deal with this every day. It's affecting my entire life in every aspect. I don't really care if I end up to discover that I'm gay or bi or whatever, I just want to be happy with someone and I want to overcome this insecurities that I have. I'm 21, never kissed someone sober, never had the guts to ask someone out, never made what other guys have done with other girls at clubs.

I already tried to find guys to hook even though I haven't felt anything for them, they were way more easier than girls, but even if they were easier I just didn't wanted to meet them, I don't know if it was my brain protecting me from the fact that I am still in denial even though I have told myself that I am gay, I started to watch gay stereotype things that I didn't liked (I think) just to see if this nightmare would stop.

I don't know if I want my first experience to be with a guy or a girl, I don't know if that will impact the way I will feel things on sex, because I have read that guys give way better orgasms than womens do to men and that girls give way better orgasms to other girls, than man usually do. That stucked in my head.

Some years back I wouldn't be too anxious about being next to girl. Now I get red-faced, I start to shake, I can't even talk to the old supermarket lady without feeling anxious. When I go to clubs I tend not to look too much to the girls and just try to enjoy the night with my friends because if I don't want to feel anxious, I don't want to start to think that I am possibly denying that I am gay even though I already admitted that I might enjoy some homosexual acts such as wanting to touch another penis, preferably a little bigger than mine (I have between 5.8-6 inches), jerk off and start to think about a girl being fucked by us and she starts to feel so excited because there were too cock to her. And then guess what? My brain starts to think: is this what you really want or was just porn induced? How do you know what really attracts to you? What if pornography just shows you the real you? The inner thoughs?

Then, I start to think about normal sex, where no girl has those beautiful bodies, I don't have those huge dicks that crush their vaginas so hard that they start, I don't have that male physic that turned them on, that I found that it would be nice to have because I would like to look like them...

I started to think that if I feel great about jerking off then if I jerked off with another guy he would feel the same I feel when I am jerking off myself. When I try to imagine masturbating a girl, I can't think of what is she feeling. Is she feeling good? Is she feeling that she is enjoying? How does it feel being fingered in the pussy? I can't find the pleasure that she feels about it.

I'm sorry but I can't talk about this to anyone. I feel that everybody is pretty normal on my circle of friends, they don't seem to have inner problems, they don't get it why I want to stay at home more times than what it's "normal", they don't get why I skip classes, they don't get why I don't go to parties more often with them.

I just feel lost, hopeless, I'm afraid to see a psychologist because they brainwash people. If they say one thing, you will believe "they are right" because they are doctors specialized on mental health, what if what they are saying isn't the right thing? Fuck. Have I smoked weed or something? Am I thinking way too much? Why do I think too much?