Close call to relapse

So a little about myself...

I've been a porn addict for about close to 15 years now. (27 years old at the moment). I've tried stopping in the past, more frequently in the last 2 years, but I've always relapsed after a few days; sometimes a week. I figured I had PIED probably about 4-5 years ago, but I never gave it much thought. When I knew I would have sex, I would just not masturbate a night or two before, and I would be ready to go after that. When I first wanted to quit was when I noticed how even after waiting a few days, it was hard to maintain an erection and suddenly in the middle of it I just couldn't keep it up. Since then I've been trying to stop. Easier said than done to break an addiction that's over a decade old. I've always relapsed and when it would come time for sex, there have been a few occasions I'd use the V pill. Ashamed to admit it, but its the truth. More recently though I was getting a bj and I didn't even get any reaction down there. I lied and told them I was nervous, but I was really just embarrassed. I tried to M a bit to get it going but it barley responded. After that, I went home and laid in bed then I just suddenly got a raging one. I thought to myself "Well mine as well" so I got my phone and took care of it quickly. after I cleaned up, it's just like something clicked in my head. I kept telling myself "I don't want to be like this anymore. I say I will stop and yet a few days later I'm back at it again. Enough is enough now". Since that day I've stopped all porn and masturbations.

What helped was something I had never tried before. I actually googled (I know.... googling medical stuff lol) self care for PIED. I happened across a few tips and tricks, then eventually this site. Happened to read a few success stories. It was actually inspiring to see the commitment and support. I know it can be a tough thing to admit, yet I was still surprised how much support there was out there for guys who have or are trying to recover.

Now I'm on my longest streak (just hit 14 days for phase 1 of the 30ish days of no sex, porn, or masturbation), and honestly, my desire to watch porn has been lower than it's ever been. Although, I keep getting the urge. It's hard to fend off. Often times I'll be laying in bed (I sleep on my stomach) and I get hard. Then I feel myself just rubbing it along my mattress. After a few moments I'll catch myself and stop. Other times my hand just unconsciously goes down there then I pull it back out. Normally, I'm able to catch these before anything gets any worse. Today I woke up and the house was to myself. I woke up to my phone buzzing and my friend sent me a xxx pic saying they wanted to have fun. I admit I lingered on it for a good minute but I deleted it and shut my phone off. Then I felt some hardness down there and I grabbed it. I almost went into relapse at that moment, but I stopped myself with just enough willpower. I got up, took a shower, and made breakfast, then went about my day, trying to keep my mind off it.

I know it's only been 2 weeks in recovery compared to the many years of addiction. So the journey has just begun and there will be more trails such as this or even more difficult that I will have to over come if I truly want to better my person and sexual health. One thing that's helped though, was the success stories. I figured another form of positive reinforcement for myself would be to write this post. Getting it all out there so that was I know I'm not truly alone in my struggles. I eventually messaged back my person earlier. I told them 16 more days and we can try sex lol I know no porn or masturbation though. I'll continue to be vigilant and stop myself from randomly humping my bed or pillow or grabbing my package down there haha

I suppose the only thing I was wondering would be if it would be better to wait until my 30 days of no sex before I start cuddling and kissing my person just laying in bed and enjoying our company or if it would be okay to still do that now as long as no sex? I suppose it wouldn't hurt waiting the full 30 days before I even do that though hahaha just so I can make sure I can make a proper recovery.

 

Thanks man. They are very understanding to my condition so they want to help the reboot process as well. Luckily not as much close calls as a few days ago