How porn changes the way my husband sees makeup

We had a strange day yesterday. My husband is currently rebooting, and is now trying hard mode after an O during sex a week ago caused him to feel really horrible. Since the O, he had been completely uninterested in me, very distant, and irritable. We had some very good talks about his porn addiction but, if I didn’t engage with him first, it was as if I was invisible.

So yesterday, I was feeling a little bit down about myself. I decided to wear a little bit more makeup than normal as a way to try to see myself as attractive again. Well, it was like a switch was flipped: my husband was suddenly so attentive and so sexually attracted to me that he could barely contain himself. I was even wearing the exact same outfit that I wore the day before; the only difference was a little eyeliner, but he couldn’t stop objectifying me and staring at my butt and chest.

We talked about it for a long time and had a couple of epiphanies:

- To me, sex is him and our relationship. To him, sex is porn. So I see him as my sex partner, and he sees any woman who is wearing makeup or revealing clothing (aka “looks like porn”) as being a potential sex partner.
- The women in porn always “want” him; consent is never required. Because of this, he interprets a woman wearing makeup and/or revealing clothing as signaling to him that she “wants him.”


It’s not because I’m exponentially more attractive with a little more makeup on; it’s his perception of what the makeup “means” that makes him see me differently. So, when I’m not dressed up in a “porn”’ enough way, he doesn’t see me as a potential sex partner. He’s completely uninterested sexually, because I’m not “sending him sex signals.” And, when I am dressed up, he interprets me as constantly sending him sex signals, and it sends him over the edge.

Obviously, this is not the case; I often send him signals when I’m wearing less makeup, and he rejects me. I wasn’t sending him signals yesterday when I put on the makeup, but he thought I was and it turned him on.

A lot of the women on the street who “look like porn” won’t even realize he’s there, but his mind thinks they “want” him. And he doesn’t even notice that women who aren’t wearing makeup exist, so they could be making bedroom eyes at him all day and he’d never know.

We’ve had this issue of him treating me differently because of makeup in the past, but the speed and intensity of the change was shocking this time. Because of that, I was, understandably, very scared to take my makeup off last night. But he told me that, now he’s realized what’s going on, he can start to change his mindset. He came into the bathroom with me to watch me wash the makeup off my face, and he looked at my clean face the same way as he had been looking at me all night, in a very attentive and attracted sort of way.

He said it’s never made sense to him how a bit of ink on my face can completely change the way he views me, because I don’t look that different with or without makeup, and I’m still beautiful without it. But without it, I’m his best friend and might as well be his sister. With it I’m the sexiest thing in the world. Now that he has more insight, he thinks that perception will change.

So it’s scary and confusing, but I am feeling a bit better about the whole situation. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation before?

 

Nope, he was completely uninterested in me all day. I didn’t put the makeup on until about 4 or 5 PM, and seriously, it was like a switch was flipped. I think he was as shocked by it as I was.

 

It’s so crazy how this addiction can change the way you think, and even what you’re attracted to, isn’t it? He has two younger sisters, so I think he also associates the absence of makeup as being an indicator of a close family members rather than a sexual partner.

 

All of that I understand, and my husband and I have discussed, but the way he views is it completely on another level: he literally doesn’t see me as a person to have sex with if I’m not wearing it.

 

That’s the thing though; that’s what I said to him, and he said that his reaction to the makeup isn’t a normal “you look prettier with makeup on” reaction. He said he sees me as a completely different person when I add a little eyeliner to my usual mascara, and that’s not a normal reaction.

 

Exactly. I was even wearing the exact same outfit as the day before, and I had been wearing mascara the day before, too, but yesterday I added eyeliner and BAM he needed me so badly he couldn’t contain himself. And he couldn’t stop touching and staring at my body, which like I said doesn’t make sense because it was the same exact outfit.

I hadn’t even expected him to notice the extra makeup because he had told me his complete lack of interest in me before yesterday afternoon was due to him flatlining.

After we talked about it and realized that this reaction of his was due to the addiction someway, he hasn’t been like that. We’ve been practicing karezza all day, with me wearing no makeup whatsoever, and he’s been really into it.

 

Dude. You’re not listening to me.

I didn’t act more confident or treat him differently once I put the eyeliner on. I didn’t even expect him to notice because we both thought his lack of interest in me up until that point was because he was flatlining. He noticed and told me he was suddenly objectifying me. We both realized after he had that reaction that it was the makeup that was somehow changing the way he viewed me as a person (platonically vs sexually).

And what’s not normal about trying to give myself a little confidence boost by putting slightly more effort into much appearance? You’ve never gotten dressed up before?

 

That’s exactly what we’ve been talking about today. It seems like once he realized what he was doing it’s lost the effect on him; I’m sure he’d like if I wore it, but he seems to be sexually attracted to me now even without it, whereas before this wasn’t the case.

This wasn’t a problem when we first got together, but it has slowly gotten worse the longer we’ve been together until it got to this point.

 

Thank you!! Goodness gracious.

 

I completely agree with you. I feel attractive because I am intelligent and kind and I like the way I look with or without makeup.

I feel more attractive with makeup on when I’m around my husband because my husband is literally unattracted to me without makeup. Which you’d know from reading my post.

 

That is why I am attractive, and I am also attractive on the outside regardless of whether I’m wearing makeup. Try telling that to my husband.

I didn’t wear more makeup in this instance to try to ‘create the attraction.’ In this instance, I didn’t think he’d notice because we both thought he was flatlining. I just put it on, almost like armor, to try to protect myself from feeling ugly around him.

I’m not sure how to help me or my husband in this situation. I feel horrible about myself and my appearance when he treats me so differently. I feel like he doesn’t actually want me and that he doesn’t actually find me attractive. So no, I don’t and have never thought me wearing makeup to attract him to me would help either of us in the long term, and neither does he. Which is why we decided that we needed to talk about it together to try to figure out what was going on, because he was the one who realized that it wasn’t normal how extremely differently he was viewing and treating me.