Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 721: 01/19/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Cuddles from my little one.
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Last night, I helped Wade work out a plan for his new goal/venture. He has decided to be a little more 'out' with his addiction and recovery. He wants to start making videos, helping other PAs on their journeys from what he has learned from his own, what has helped him, etc. He got inspired by all of the feedback and thanks he has been getting just from his NoFap journal and he wants to contribute more by helping others. I support him in this 100% and will help him in any way that I can. It felt so good to see how excited he was about all this, quite inspiring. There's a lot of work to be done, growth won't be quick and it will be a learning curve for us both, but I think - what he is trying to achieve, it is achievable and I know it will be successful because it is something he is passionate about.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Take Control Of Your Life When You're Feeling Stuck", in this episode, Mel Robbins talks with us about how to take control of your life when you're feeling stuck. Remember, the first step to getting somewhere is to decide that you're not going to stay where you are.

This morning, I spent with my little gal pal, poor baby is sick with strep throat and on antibiotics. So, we played dolls, colored, even did some homework (she enjoyed it lol) and watched Aladdin and the King of Thieves. She wanted to go outside, but she can not since strep is contagious. After Wade wakes up, we will do our weekly grocery run and play a little Pokemon Go (it's community day). Perhaps we will watch/listen to something along the way or talk about his night. I'm still feeling run down myself, so between entertaining the little one and comforting her all morning, then my dad's procedure tomorrow, I'm wearing myself thin... putting my own self-care on the back burner., so I'm hoping there won't be any triggers, that hit won't be taken well internally at the moment.

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling down because of my little one being sick, but still able to be present and play with her.

#Motivational
The Advice Most of Us Need To Hear

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 722: 01/20/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade.
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Last night, we spent most of the evening watching these hilarious videos called "Teens React" and "Do Teens know their Parents Favorite", which made us feel super old lmao. Anyway, it was fun, light and refreshing. Some of the clips even gave us some nice movie night ideas. Then we took a break and went to talk on the bed for a bit, we talked about some of my triggers from earlier in the day at the supermarket. He told me that he did notice a few that he would have ogled in the past, but these days they do nothing for him. We had a whole discussion about it, how and why he only wants me and that I always was a prime for him, he just lost sight of it - look, I want to believe him, but it is still difficult to get past everything that is deep-seated within me. Then we went back to watching those clips to lighten the mood back up, it was nice.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Persistence Pays Off If You Never Give Up", in this episode, Les Brown delivers a great lesson on how persistence pays off if you refuse to quit. Remember, success is not the absence of failure, it is the persistence through it.

This morning, Wade was able to leave work early and got to bed, because he was doing me a favor in the AM, which I am super grateful for. He's taking my dad to his procedure, so I wouldn't have to deal with that extra stress and anxiety, on top of the worrying about the process itself. He even found a few minutes to make me some breakfast, where has this guy been for so many years. While he is there with my dad, I have been spending the morning with my little one and my mom. A lot of noise, which I am not a fan of, but I rather see her act this way, then crying and in pain. Later on, I plan to make some good old chicken soup for the family... and continue my lazy day. The last few days, I've felt like due to illness, weather, money (we can't drive to the mall as much), and some unforeseen events, my self-care (walks in particular) have really been put on the back burner, I feel the depression slowly taking over me and I think it's beginning to affect my overall mood, I'm trying to push it away, but it's becoming more and more difficult to do - which sucks, I'm just feeling a bit more down, kind of how I used to feel in the past - a sensation of 'blah'.

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushing through my anxiety and remaining present.

#Motivational
IT'S TIME TO GET OVER IT!

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 723: 01/21/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Sleep.
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Last night, we again watched some of those fun teens react videos, along with our eldest and had her playing along, it was fun and we might make it a 'thing' if that is something she is willing to do with us LOL. Then we laid in bed and talked about our day(s), I again thanked him for handling everything with my father, I really do appreciate it so much. He thanked me for making dinner, I am just happy everyone liked it; especially our resident cook and it's going to last a few days. We spoke a little about what I wrote in my journal about feeling depressed and lacking in my self-care, then he began promising that no matter what tomorrow we would go walking, under any circumstance, I told him not to over-promise because 'you just never know' and I am not a fan of guarantees in uncertain or unpredictable situations, like his job, but he continued with his "trust me, I will make it happen no matter what", so I shrugged and then we went and watched some tv before he headed to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Never Complain: Taking Full Responsibility For Your Own Life", in this episode, we hear a message on why you should never complain about anything ever again because the fault lays with you. Remember, there's nothing you can't accomplish in life with the right amount of work.

This morning, I couldn't go walking again... Wade got held up at work, then I was willing to go and get frostbite until my parents reminded me they needed their car this morning. Wade told me he hated disappointing me and he was full of guilt and shame about the whole thing. I told him that I wasn't disappointed in him, I don't feel like he let me down - because I know his job is unpredictable, what I don't want happening anymore - is him making promises, that he does not know he can keep - especially not so persistently. That's what frustrated me, him telling me over and over "that I will make it happen, don't worry" last night when in reality, he doesn't know because as a cop, anything can suddenly come up. So of course, something did end up coming up, now he is full of shame and guilt - why? because he oversold a promise that he could never guarantee from the start, so I told him - don't do that anymore and especially don't continue to tell them "trust me, I'll make sure" after I tell you to stop because you just never know. Anyhow, I did some cardio/zumba at home and it just wasn't the same as my morning walk, I don't know why and what about the walks just give me that calm, peace of mind and balance - but it does. I'm still feeling down, sort of how I use to feel many years ago, I am trying to fight through it, push it down when I can but I hope it doesn't backfire on me, meaning where I'm back to pretending instead of being really happy and present. I am so happy for Wade, he is 8 days shy of hitting his two year recovery anniversary and I a truly happy about that and all that he has accomplished, achieved and excited for what is to come for him. For myself though, and even hate typing this but I feel like I'm going in reverse, I'm not progressing in my healing - at least I don't feel that way, because the last few days, what I've been feeling and the thoughts I've been having are very similar to how they were before I began any self-care and making changes and that scares me - I don't feel like myself right now, I feel like my old self and that's not where I wanted to be, ever again.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Took the unforeseen circumstances in stride instead of anger.

#Motivational
When All Hope Is Lost Motivational Video

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 724: 01/22/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we laid in bed and talked until he had to go to work, it's been a while since we spoke for the entire night. We spoke about some random stuff and then we got to the nitty-gritty... that I've been feeling depressed lately. I got vulnerable and told him everything that was on my mind - that I was feeling out of sync, out of balance and more like the old me. A lot of my fears have been creeping up in my head too and we talked about that, his reality vs mine. I think he understands where I am coming from, but he has his own set of 'truths' and I don't necessarily believe them to be the facts at hand. However, talking about it all - getting it all out there - did feel good.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Life-Changing Tips About The Importance Of Taking Action", in this episode, Freddy Fri talked about the importance of taking action as you work toward achieving your goals. Remember, taking focused and intentional action is the foundational key to all success.

This morning, we actually walked!! it was freezing again so we used today as our one trip to the mall (per week) to save on mileage/gas and tolls and walked. Just the car ride there already made me feel like I was slowly getting back on track. We began listening to "Perfectly Hidden Depression" an interview with Dr. Margaret Rutherford, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Dr. Rutherford has been a psychologist in private practice for over twenty-five years. She’s the author of “Perfectly Hidden Depression”, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford, where she offers compassionate common-sense directions, ideas, and goals toward the changes listeners want to make in healing. So far, we've heard about Dr. Margaret’s journey through her own shame that has brought her to the work she does today and what Dr, Margaret believes therapy can pinpoint in people and why it is integral to embracing vulnerability. We were pausing a lot, especially after she brought up fear and shame. We talked about her point that people oftentimes who seek out perfection are really sitting in depression because perfection does not exist... how I am proof of that. Then we went back and forth about my thoughts and feelings, why I feel the way that I do about gaining weight and how much more it means than just 'gaining a little weight'. I love him to death, he keeps arguing his points of how beautiful he finds me and how he only thinks about me these days and there are moments where I get those butterflies and begin to believe that maybe he really does only want me these days, but then as soon as someone triggers me - I remind myself, yeah, ok, NOW THAT'S his prime type, and that's not me at all, I just can not compete with those women, especially not if I am on the physical decline (aging and weight gain) - it's impossible for him to only have eyes for me when his preferences have always been someone that looks like 'that' aka 'prime type'. It's all so complicated and depressing. Although finally walking made me feel a lot better and more in balance.

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My mood felt a little better today.

#Motivational
Take Action Right Now

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 725: 01/23/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we watched some TV, he gave me a lovely foot rub and then I headed off to bed. By the end of the day, I felt content, something I hadn't felt for a bit, so that felt good.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Bounce Back From Failure", in this episode, we get some great tips on how to Bounce Back From Failure. The goal is to keep going forward, take risks but with full calculation and learn to have and live in GRATITUDE. Remember, failure is the pathway that leads to success.

This morning, during our walk, we actually did not listen to anything, we spent the entire time just talking about his night, which led to a long and full conversation about work and why morale is so awful at most workplaces. How most bosses, upper management, etc are only looking out for themselves, how they lack empathy and us 'little guys' never feel like they have our backs. It was a good and lively discussion, lasted our entire walk. Then we did some shopkicking, which was fun too - it's been a while lol. Then, on the car ride back we finished listening to "Perfectly Hidden Depression" an interview with Dr. Margaret Rutherford, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Dr. Rutherford has been a psychologist in private practice for over twenty-five years. She’s the author of “Perfectly Hidden Depression”, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford, where she offers compassionate common-sense directions, ideas, and goals toward the changes listeners want to make in healing. In conclusion, we heard them continue to discuss what it means to be a perfectionist and how it coincides with being “great,” and the complexity of the human condition on what we might require to start our healing process.

Overall, this morning/day was lighthearted and good. It really helped my mood, if only my raging headache would go away too - that would top things off.

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers today! my mood was better too.

#Motivational
7 Minutes to Start Your Day Right!

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 726: 01/24/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, he decided to give me an all-star treatment, he helped me out by coloring my hair, blow-drying it and making it look fabulous. He also gave me a back and foot rub, which felt amazing, even though I told him it was fine because he did my hair, I didn't want to wear him out lol, but he insisted. We watched some TV and called it a night after.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Getting Over Mistakes Can Be Hard Here's How To Make It Easier", in this episode, we have some great tips and information that will help you with getting over mistakes. Remember, self-awareness doesn't stop you from making mistakes, it allows you to learn from them.

This morning, we began listening to "Change Your Life by Changing Your Thought Process" an interview with Brendon Burchard, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Brendon Burchard is a Life coach to billionaire and one of the greatest influencers of all time, he knows exactly how to make an impact. We didn't get too far into it, but so far we've heard him share his story of being suicidal, then being in a nearly fatal accident, describe becoming obsessive about learning leadership and psychology and explains how your life is determined by each decision you make, every day. Then we began talking about mindsets and how Wade believes that even I can, at some point start talking myself down/out of triggers and fears, all I have to do is start believing that what he is saying, about how he sees me now is possible. We had a whole back and forth about it, where I explained how my triggers, PTSD and thoughts worked, that it is all layered and difficult to control or think straight when in the heat of the moment, it was a great and vulnerable discussion for both of us.

Today marks 16 years since our first date, soon we'll be at 14 years married. Time truly flew by and I am happy that finally, the last two years have been happy and worthwhile they have been our first connected, authentic and present years together. <3

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Minor trigger on our walk and by Dunkin' but I tried to move past them quickly.

#Motivational
How To Get Over Your Past Mistakes

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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Hey Adam ;-) we're all weird! haha

I have heard of EMDR, but I have not gone through anything like that (yet). Oddly enough, I sometimes chew on my cheek too, hmm. I will look into it some more and see what's available in our area and if it's covered by insurance. I've been trying to teach myself to manage my triggers, and I have been with the mild/minor ones, but the big ones, I see red.

 

DAY 727: 01/25/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
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Last night, I spent the evening alone, Wade had overtime. Once I finally got both girls in bed, I sat down and just watched some tv. Wade got home late, he stayed up a little and told me about his time at work. He mentioned having a slip, but also that a lot of guys joined his Discord channel, I wasn't surprised though, as I posted his link around the forums. I know how much he wants to help other PA's, so I want to support him in any way that I can.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Rules For Success In Life", in this episode, Ed Mylett talks about his rules for success in life and business. Remember, success in life requires that you remember just 2 simple rules. Rule #1 is never quit, and rule #2 is always remember rule #1.

This morning, Wade spoke to the guys in his Discord. I tried to keep the little distracted, painted her nails and watched YouTube with her. I also worked on some portfolio items and other design stuff. Soon, we'll be heading out for the day to go visit my in-laws, the weather is crappy, so I'm hoping we won't be stuck in traffic too long. I hope there won't be any issues today, fingers crossed!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How excited I feel for Wade for his new mission.

#Motivational
"The COMFORTABLE Road Will NEVER Lead You to SUCCESS!" | Ed Mylett

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 728: 01/26/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we worked on his project together, I could tell that he was nervous but also excited about this new venture. I tried to ease his nerves by placing my feet under him, so he can feel me, sort of the way I grab his hand when he is overwhelmed when his family is over. I am super excited for him, this is way out of his comfort zone and to be honest, I'm scared of where this may lead, meaning who may see it eventually and if it will get back to certain people. But, I know he wants to help others and I can't let my fears get in the way of that, he wants to contribute and if he is ready for that, then I will support him all the way through, to the best of my ability. Then he gave me a lovely back rub and followed it with a soothing foot rub, so soothing that he made me sleepy lol to the point where when we got into bed, I passed out pretty quick.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “To Start Making Progress You Must Stop Making Excuses", in this episode, we hear about why you must stop making excuses in order to achieve the things you want to achieve. Remember, when you're good at making excuses, it's hard to excel at anything else.

This morning, during our walk we almost finished listening to "Change Your Life by Changing Your Thought Process" an interview with Brendon Burchard, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Brendon Burchard is a Life coach to billionaire and one of the greatest influencers of all time, he knows exactly how to make an impact. We heard them discuss Brendon's self-evaluation and visualization process, how to observe your life dispassionately, how to deal with failures and feeling bad, going through the motions is the death of high performance, Tom and Brendon discuss leveraging guilt and pain, courage and contemplation, he strongly advocates the need for community, Tom advocates learning to endure hardship, failure, and stress, Brendon advocates allowing joy and deep pleasure, and then he explains how he came to value relationships so deeply. Afterward, we went to Costco for our monthly run there and of course, there were triggers there. I tried to manage myself as best as I could, given the situation, I am glad Wade empathized with me at a point, instead of pretending no one was around, that always helps. I just hope he really means it when he tells me that she doesn't trigger him at all and it really his him reacting to me being triggered. Like I told him, I still find it difficult to believe.

Anyhow, back to earning gift cards and working on a little side project for Wade


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Some triggers in Costco and I managed them.

#Motivational
Dream For Personal Growth

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 729: 01/27/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we sat in the bed, spoke about a few PA situations and then worked out a schedule for his upcoming venture, something that would work for his goals and not take away from our relationship too, then we wrote out some ideas for future videos he wants to make. It was fun helping him and scary too, as I mentioned yesterday - I don't know where this could end up aka back in my lap.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Developing Winning Habits That Actually Help You Win Each Day", in this episode, we have a great lesson on why it's important to develop winning habits. Remember, get control of your habits and you'll have control of your life.

This morning, during our walk we almost finished listening to "Change Your Life by Changing Your Thought Process" an interview with Brendon Burchard, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Brendon Burchard is a Life coach. At the end of this interview they talked about what one change people could make to have more of an impact. Then, as we were just getting into our walk, I saw a threat running towards us, I was preparing myself for her, then she stops us to ask about the trail. I nearly lost my shit (internally)... it was bad enough that she was going to be right in front of Wade and running by, but she had to stop and stand in front of us asking questions too. She was in super-tight clothing aka yoga pants, no coat or anything in freezing weather, while I'm over here looking like an Eskimo with a ski mask, double layers, etc. I don't even remember what I was answering to her questions, as I was feeling my insides burning up. Wade, tried to make it better when we walked away and tell me he was sorry if I was triggered, that he wanted to let me know he was not triggered. However, he was in sunglasses, so I don't know if he conveniently 'slipped' or ogled either, I told him that but he said it wouldn't be possible anyway with how she was standing, but how did he notice all that if he didn't try? Anyway, he tried to tell me that he only wants me these days and he wishes I would believe him on that, but how can I? I can see clearly and both of us know, she is 110% someone he would have gone out of his way to ogle [he even admitted that to me], her stopping us would have been like winning the jackpot for him and given him the opportunity to have a longer and better drooling session. She was in a cute and tight outfit, small waist and fat ass - his wet dream for years, yet he wants me to believe as I stand there covered head to toe, like sasquatch, he still prefers looking at me 'and only me' at this very moment, instead of someone like her, a prime type - YEAH OKAY, i-m-p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e, never in a million years. Don't get me wrong, I wish I could believe him, I would love nothing more, sometimes I do get a tingle when he tells me things, but definitely after bumping into someone like her that tingle is long gone. Look, I believe someone can change, and he has changed into a completely different man after recovery; unrecognizable and treats me like a princess, but he is still a man nonetheless and men react to visual stimulation and I am not stupid about that fact. I will never look like one of them; that's a fact, I know that and would never be able to compete with them, he swears up and down that he doesn't care about any of them (anymore) and only has eyes for me, but I don't buy it, especially not when I look like complete shit and she is at the top of her game and both of us are in front of him. This is what makes me question everything sometimes, like if I can never get to the point of feeling and believing that he desires and prefers me, no matter who is around, will I ever be able to feel free, safe and secure? that uncertainty really scares me, staying stuck in this never-ending loop, which does not allow me to enjoy all of life and any experience at 100%. I feel like I am always walking around with this dark cloud (even 5%) hovering over my head, constantly following me, with a possible downpour ready to strike at any moment and it sucks. It takes away from what would normally be happy, fun or exciting moments, always trying to ignore, push down and get over triggers and sometimes with lighter triggers I am able to move on quickly and still have some enjoyment - but all of it is mentally exhausting. I love him so much, I have never been so connected to anyone before, we are so real with each other, he treats me so well and overall [if not for this trigger/uncertainty crap] I am loving the relationship we have right now, but if I can not believe for certain that my own husband prefers me physically to anyone else, that I don't have to perk up and feel like I am in competition with every other woman out there, that it is not just connection driving his sudden and current attraction to me, what does it mean? am I slated to have a piece of myself always feeling uncertain, scared, fearful and empty? never allowing me to be completely happy, and that makes me sad, especially when all I want to do is be happy and enjoy the relationship I am in now, but can't.

Then, we didn't get to finish our conversation [unfinished business, something I love lol] before we received a phone call from the school that our eldest was feeling nauseous and had to get picked up from school. There's a whole host of issues with her and constantly 'feeling sick' during gym, but we'll have to figure out a way to talk to her without shaming her, but also make it clear that lying is not okay.

I felt tired and exhausted, after the non-sleep night I had with our little one, plus the unsettled feeling still from this morning's trigger still lingering, somehow I still managed to work on the video for Wade and get some of my own stuff started.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushed through and got a lot done.

#Motivational
WAKE UP EARLY AND KEEP FAILING

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 730: 01/28/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, after we had a talk with our eldest about her behavior and lying, we then went and had a talk about my earlier trigger. I told Wade it was pointless [beating a dead horse], but we talked about it anyway. He told me his feelings and how he knows for sure where he stands and again when he speaks and we are alone, it sounds good and sometimes gives me a glimmer of hope because I do know he has changed - he is so different than he ever was, he treats me like never before, it's like I'm with a new man, in a new [loving] relationship... however, the history and memories are so vivid and there's the 5% chance of everything resetting back to how it used to be so when they are nearby, I don't feel like he prefers me, over those 'them [primes], and that's a feeling that I want to have really bad, it's the one piece missing for me right now, driving my uncertainties and fears up the wall.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Understanding How To Unlock Your Brain To Have A Better Memory", in this episode, Jim Kwik talks about how to unlock your brain in order to have a better memory. Remember, if you just do the easy things in life then life is hard, but if you do the hard things in life then life becomes easy.

This morning, Wade told me about his night at work and another huge milestone he reached, which I am really proud of him for. I'm paraphrasing, so I may get the exchange a little wrong but; his coworker made a joke or flippant remark about 'why don't you go and masturbate' and he replied, I don't do that anymore, the coworker laughed it off and said 'yeah right' and Wade told him, it's true and that he hasn't watched porn or masturbated in almost two years. Shocked, the coworker shouted out to another coworker how "hey, Wade says he doesn't masturbate!" and a whole thing began there and Wade handled it without any shame and like a champ - I am really proud of him for having the kind of courage and how far he has come in recovery. He also called out that coworker about making fun of a suicidal emotionally disturbed person who had gone missing, a Vet, father, and husband - this coworker was again making flippant remarks/jokes about the guy/the situation and Wade being a Vet himself, understanding PTSD through that and through me, plus how difficult he took his other coworkers suicide, he pushed back and called him out on being so cruel and insensitive. Again, something he would not have done pre-recovery, man this recovery really has changed him so man, sheesh *applauds*. Then, during our walk, we began listening to "The Future Doesn’t Have to Be Scary" an interview with Peter Diamandis, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Peter H. Diamandis is the founder and executive chairman of the XPRIZE Foundation, which leads the world in designing and operating large-scale incentive competitions. He is also the executive founder of Singularity University, a graduate-level Silicon Valley institution that counsels the world’s leaders on exponentially growing technologies. We only got 16 minutes into it, before pausing to talk about fear and how it takes over. So far though, we heard them discuss why Peter believes the future doesn’t have to be scary, how you don’t have to put your energy into building bunkers, hiding gold bars in the ground, and preparing for the end because the future can be full of possibility but you have to change your mindset from fear to positivity.

This evening we have our family dentist appointment, wish us luck.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Wasn't in the mood to walk, glad I did - felt better after.

#Motivational
UNLOCK YOUR BRAIN'S SUPERPOWERS

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 731: 01/29/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade's Recovery.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, because we talked in the morning, we skipped our talk, he gave me a nice foot rub and we watched some Batwoman, meh a show which is not catching our attention. Then he went to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Truth About Dealing With Haters", in this episode, Freddy Fri Day talks about dealing with haters. Remember, love your haters, the truth is they're your most enthusiastic fans!

Today, Wade has officially hit two years clean of PM, I couldn't be more proud of him! more on that further down.


This morning, we skipped our walk because I wanted to avoid any potential triggers (I did not want to start this day on the wrong note). We both traded some small but meaningful gifts to celebrate this wonderful occasion. He got me a two-piece keychain that represents when the recovery began and when I said yes to continue the marriage, which we split between each other. I got him a mug that I designed with Deadpool, special dates, etc on it, Russell Brand's book "Recovery: Freedom from Our Addictions" and redesigned his FB group cover image to look more official for his launch. Then at noon, we went to have a celebratory lunch together, it was a quiet place, we had a lovely time together talking about how far he has come and even some changes he feels I've made. It was a really sweet and good time... tonight we will continue our celebration with a movie, some wine, and sweets.

Now...

A direct message to @Wade W. Wilson on his TWO YEAR CLEAN Anniversary: First of all, I’m so proud of you, I am happy to see you taking care of yourself, you are such an inspiration to me and so many others, after all the work and effort you've been putting in and continue to do so, you deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life. You are strong, courageous and I know there's so much more you want to do and I can't wait to cheer you on as you hit each and every new milestone along the way. What else can I say? it has been two whole years of continued growth and change, what a ride; for us both, it was all made possible because you made a choice, the choice to rid yourself of this addiction, taking it... one day at a time. Who would have thought that we would be in a place where there would be real trust, honest communication, love, connection, purpose and growth between us. Where we can talk it out instead of harboring resentment, where we can hold each other's space, even when you or I am triggered or in shame. This is the complete opposite of where we were exactly two years ago.

I want you to know, we are here because - no matter the challenges you [we] were facing, you handled them with strength, integrity, patience, and determination. There is still an "us" because of you and the work you've been putting in. So, THANK YOU for giving yourself the chance to become the man you were always meant to be, the man - that today - I am PROUD to love, trust and call my husband.

Do you know what’s better than staying sober for one year? staying sober for two years! and do you know what’s better than staying sober for two years? staying sober for three years! so here's hoping for another year of growth; together.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling so proud of Wade's milestone and launch of his official "One Day at a Time" FB group and Discord!

#Motivational
Addiction Recovery: Difference of Sobriety and Recovery

---------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you! <3

 

DAY 732: 01/30/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk, we decided to continue our celebration of his recovery anniversary... he made me chocolate cover strawberries, we sipped on wine and watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". He paused midway because the love interest in the movie was making a point about how loving the main character has brought him to life, for the first time in his dull life. So Wade talked about gratefulness, where we are at as a couple and how much I mean to him. How without me, he would have relapsed a long time ago, which I don't know - it's possible but I'm happy to support him and help him as not only his wife but as his AP. We are both so much happier than we ever were before, well I guess than ever - because I don't recall ever being truly present and happy... and no matter the setbacks (especially when my anger/fears hit when triggered), we are still better off today, than throughout the 12 years of marriage when he was into his addiction. We love each other on a different level, we understand each other and best of all we can literally talk to each other about anything and everything, that is something I am really grateful for... because bottling up was slowly sucking the life out of me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Simple Mind Tricks You Can Use When You Really Need To Change Your Mindset", in this episode, we learn some simple but effective mind tricks you can use when you need to change your mindset. Remember, to change your life you have to change yourself, to change yourself you have to change your mindset.

This morning, we began listening to "The Importance Of Having A Growth Mindset & Keeping Agreements With Your Partner" an interview with Lisa Bilyeu, with Jay Shetty. Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of Impact Theory, Quest Nutrition, and Women of Impact discusses the highs and lows of entrepreneurship and life, years of hard work and sacrifice not only strengthened her marriage but helped her hone in on what really mattered. She discussed how she discovered her true identity and passions walking side-by-side with husband Tom Bilyeu. She also talked about her wishes, hopes, and dreams for her life, the importance of documenting the journey, their turning point in life and business, from zero to a billion dollars in five years, how she overcomes the fear of doing new things, contracts and marriage, her passion for drawing and art, doing what they love every day, her health struggles and overcoming them, their personal agreements, taking divorce off the table, and how she knew she no longer wanted children. So far, this pick by Wade was a really good one. We found ourselves pausing to discuss points often and that's when we know it's a good one when it opens us up to plenty of good conversations. Wade was so lovely dovey today, even more than usual, stopping me to kiss and remind me he loves me, how beautiful I am and how lucky he feels, it was so cute lol.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loving how this hair color looks.

#Motivational
BAD DAY? 3 Mindset Tricks to Get Positivity Back

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 733: 01/31/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, my mood was ruined with a simple 'matter of fact' comment/question my mom asked me. While she was sitting, she turns to me and goes "have you gained weight?" and since I was already feeling down after the last trigger, unhappy with being on a weight 'loss' plateau, it just destroyed me. She basically confirmed all the negatives thoughts I was already thinking. Wade and I talked about it at night, but my mood was still off, my fear was turned way up because I correlate weight gain with how attracted he remains/is to me. So, it just sucked, then we began a new couple's book that I had wanted to start on Jan 1st but we forgot, it is called "A Year with You: A Keepsake Journal for Two to Share". My responses weren't as hopeful as Wade's, but that is because my mood wasn't in a good place.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Tips On Eliminating Distractions And Regaining Your Focus", in this episode, we get some great tips on eliminating distractions so you can regain the focus you need in your life. Remember, you can't do big things if you're distracted by small things.

This morning, we finished listening to "The Importance Of Having A Growth Mindset & Keeping Agreements With Your Partner" an interview with Lisa Bilyeu, with Jay Shetty. Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of Impact Theory, Quest Nutrition, and Women of Impact. She is also the wife of Tom Bilyeu of Impact Theory. This was a really good interview with a lot of great relationships and life advice. They finished strong with how she discovered her true identity and passions walking side-by-side with her husband Tom Bilyeu also why being honest at all times is important. Then there was an incident in Target, the subject matter was silly overall, however, Wade's behavior really irritated/triggered me, he made me feel like I was crazy and not seeing something that was "clearly there" -- when in reality it was not, it was in his pocket all along. He apologized and spent quite some time talking about it, he didn't like that I was in still a bad mood and kept wanting to talk about it or 'fix it'... but I told him just because I accepted his apology does not mean I will just forget everything that happened, so of course, I will remain upset until I've calmed down. This whole scenario actually goes really well with what Lisa was talking about, 'honesty', I can accept his apology and even believe his intention wasn't to trigger me but if he wants me to be honest with him and not fake, this is what he gets: the truth - that I can hear him out, accept his apology and still stay true to myself by allowing myself to be upset about the situation until I am ready to move on - instead of faking a smile and pretending "all is well now" and holding onto the resentment in silence.

The rest of the day was a lazy day, working on our various projects, earning some cash, etc. I hope tonight will be easier for me, I guess we will see what the rest of the day brings.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was honest, sat in my frustration instead of 'people-pleasing' and pretending I was over it.

#Motivational
Change For Yourself, Not Others

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 734: 02/01/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we spoke a little on and off about the usual topics of the day. He reiterated how he sees me, feels about me and offered some ideas/suggestions about implementing more ways to lose weight, if that is something I want to do, although he does not agree with my motivation. Then he decided to spoil me with a really nice back rub and foot rub. Then we went to watch some TV, before heading to bed... to then be woken up every other hour by our little one.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “A Few Simple Ways To Feel Happier Every Day", in this episode, we hear some simple but great ways to feel happier every day. 1. Take your breath away (look the sunrise), 2.Cleanse your environment (clean your room), 3. Blacklist social media (especially in the morning), 4. Anticipate to motivate (plan something), 5. Size isn't everything (do small tasks before big ones), 6. Expand your mind (do hobbies), and 7. Study yourself (know your strengths). Remember, most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

This morning, after we got the girls situated, I sat down at my Mac and wanted to listen to a quick Ted Talk, while waiting for my mom to come over to sit with them (so we could walk). I asked Wade if he wanted me to wait for him and I said yes, once I began playing "Why I'm done trying to be "man enough" | Justin Baldoni", he jolted and said: "that's the guy I told you about! he was on Jay Shetty's podcast" - I remembered when he mentioned it, but it was funny because I had this sitting in my "Watch Later" list. Anyway, we watched that and it was good, he spoke about the importance of men being vulnerable and open, with each other and their woman, I really enjoyed it and began following his pages on social media. Then during our walk, we began listening to "Mamba Mentality, NBA Championships, and Oscars" an interview with Kobe Bryant [RIP], on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Kobe is widely regarded as one of the best basketball players of all time. He’s won five NBA championships with the Lakers and led the NBA in scoring during two seasons. He’s an 18-time All-Star, a 15-time member of the All-NBA Team, a 12-time member of the All-Defensive Team. He holds the NBA record for the most seasons played with one franchise for an entire career: 20 seasons. In 2018, he received an Academy Award for his animated short “Dear Basketball.” He also launched a podcast called The Punies that teaches kids morals and history in a really fun way. Kobe’s known for what he calls his Mamba Mentality, but it’s his big heart that is truly admirable. He is constantly reinventing himself and continuing to pursue new dreams. It was sad watching this year-old interview because as we all have heard by now Kobe was killed in a helicopter crash on January 26th, 2020. So far, we heard then discuss who was Kobe's greatest teacher? and what are some other things he does to raise the level of your teammates?

There was a point at the start when we were walking, Wade stopped in one spot and during this exact moment, I noticed running in the distance, the same chick that triggered me [bad] a few days ago, coming our way. He was still standing, she kept getting closer and closer and I felt the rage rushing over me, so I snapped and said "is there a reason we are standing here?!" and he said "I just wanted to finish something in the game" and then we began walking right as she passed by us. I began trying to talk myself down and breathe, luckily this time she didn't stop right in front of us or talk to us. A few minutes later, Wade did ask if I was triggered and I said yes, "it was the same chick from a few days ago, so of course." He said 'really? she doesn't have the same face' and I said, yeah it was her, just a different outfit and no makeup. Anyway, I tried to push it down and breathe my walk to some sense of normalcy, so I didn't have my entire walk/day ruined, I am still triggered and because my big trigger is still present and only started winding down recently that is until the trigger got aggravated by my mom's comments confirming how I've been feeling about myself/my fears... seeing this woman again, brought up some bad thoughts that will probably continue festering all day, if not longer. Then midway through the interview, Wade paused it when they began talking about identity, leaving a career and wondering if there's anything else out there due to the fears of having to start over, etc. Which led to a ranting session where Wade told me about how the upper brass, keeps doing things to ruin the morale and then wonder why a lot of cops aren't motivated. I won't go into details, but what one lieutenant did was really messed up and I'm surprised no one made a formal complaint. I am glad he can confide in me and he knows I understand where he is coming from, although I worked in a corporate - the atmosphere was pretty much the same, where upper management only looked out for themselves and didn't give a crap about their employees, where was Simon Sinek when you needed him - although these idiots wouldn't appreciate or understand his message anyway I guess. Then, he turned back to talking about my mindset and hoping it can change and I can start believing that he only wants me, no matter who is around. We'll see - I do believe he is authentic when he tells me he is grateful for where he is at right now, but when I see one of 'them', I can't control the thoughts and fears that take over.

Tonight we have some friends coming over, Wade will be making some delicious food, maybe we'll play a board game or two and it will be nice to hang out with people who know our story in real life, so we can be authentic around them.

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I got retriggered by the girl from the trail [previous big trigger] and tried to get through it (stuff it) so we could continue walking.

#Motivational
7 Simple Ways to Feel Happier Every Day

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 735: 02/02/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Shopping with Wade.
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Last night, we had some friends over, some of the only friends who know about Wade's PA and my betrayal trauma, so we could literally talk about anything, without holding back. First, we ate and everyone loved Wade's dish, the chef got a lot of compliments. Then we spent a lot of time talking about Wade's new FB page and his goals for helping other PA's in recovery - which led us into some interesting conversions about certain P sites and how advanced their analytics are lol I was so worried Wade would get triggered. Then the subject turned to me and then everyone began badgering me about how I should or should think about the way I process my triggers/trauma - ironically trying to preach to me on how/why I shouldn't "should" myself and make expectations -- while telling me what they think I "should" be doing/thinking instead. It did become annoying/overwhelming after a while of everyone, including Wade, repeating themselves and their points; basically shaming me for thinking/feeling the way that I do. I am sure it was not their intention and they probably feel like they were offering "advice" but at the end of the day I can't help where my triggered mind takes me - that is just how my betrayal trauma is effecting me, 12 years of damage can do that to a person and they can not understand that obviously. None of them have actually been through this type of betrayal trauma/PTSD and can never truly understand what's behind my thoughts, fears and lack of control about certain things - although I tried to explain it all however it fell on deaf ears. Wade enjoyed it though because they were taking his side and validating his opinions but for me, during that 'segment' of the evening I felt like it was 3 vs 1 and I felt alone [an army of one], but I kept up a good front, so no one noticed. Finally, after a long while of them "making their points", we decided to play Cards Against Humanity and that was a good change of pace and we all had a really great time playing. Overall, them coming over was good, minus the 'assault' we all enjoyed each other's company and plan on hanging out more.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Remain Focused On Your Goals In A World Full Of Distractions", in this episode, we learn how to remain focused on our goals even when there are distractions all around us. Remember, where focus goes energy flows.

This morning, we finished listening to "Mamba Mentality, NBA Championships, and Oscars" an interview with Kobe Bryant [RIP], on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. The rest of the interview they dove into what “Mamba Mentality” means, why he has a passion for storytelling, why you should be excited about failure, his greatest moment in 20 seasons of basketball, and his daily routine. It was heartbreaking to hear all he wanted to do for others, goals he had set for the future... knowing he had passed away so young. Then we did our weekly grocery run, there were some minor triggers there but none that I couldn't manage. Then we went home and I expect a lazy day today.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I woke up in a much better mood.

#Motivational
Why I'm done trying to be "man enough" | Justin Baldoni

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 736: 02/03/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade wanted to talk, I was feeling like a pile of steaming hot... anyway, I told him I didn't have anything to talk about, but he said he did - so of course, I was all ears. He said he wanted to begin with an apology for the night before because he did not want me to feel attacked. We discussed the group chat in general and why I felt attacked, why I felt he was egging the guy on with his constant 'yes man' etc, but he said it won't happen again and I appreciated that. Then he gave me a soothing foot rub while watching some TV. Our eldest walked out [when she should have been sleeping] with a swollen eye and panic ensued, we assumed it had to be an allergic reaction to something, but getting some antihistamine drop into her eyes caused me to have a panic attack, because of how she gets. I was upset Wade had to leave for work, for multiple reasons, but especially because I feel much more comfortable in situations like these when he is home.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Your Brain Works: Switching From Automatic To Direct Mode", in this episode, Mel Robbins talks with us about how your brain works, and how to switch from auto to direct mode so that you're able to make better decisions. Remember, everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

This morning, our eldest's eye looked better, so the drops and Benadryl seemed to work. I wasn't feeling good at all, but I went for a walk with Wade anyway. We began listening to "The Only Way You Know You’re Alive is To Create" an interview with Felicia Day, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Felicia Day is a professional actress who has appeared in numerous television shows and films. She is was recurring on the CW show “Supernatural,” and the SyFy series “The Magicians.” However, Felicia is best known for her work in the web video world. Felicia shares the importance of creativity in our daily life and how to push through self-doubt and judgment. So far we've heard them exchange some fun facts about each other and then began discussing the identity shift Felicia had after having a baby. When we got home, we recorded Wade's weekly recovery video for his Facebook group; where he talks about starting recovery. Then I got it ready for upload for him. After that, I've felt a huge sense of overwhelm, that I guess I've put on myself... trying to get my parent's taxes done, scheduling passport appointments for our girls, scheduling a good time to reshoot their passport photos for them and fixing my own business tax stuff. I feel like my brain is running on empty, but going a mile a minute. It's a lot, but for some reason, I can not make myself stuff, because there is just so much that needs to get done... ugh.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
.

#Motivational
Switch Your Brain To Direct Mode | Mel Robbins

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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