180+ days: How I feel.

Honestly, I don't feel good right now. I haven't eaten well today, I slept poorly last night, and just did homework to the point where my eyes hurt looking at a screen. It's another day I haven't met a girl I like, another day not liking the way I look in the mirror, another day thinking about doing something then not, another day thinking about a dream I'm unsure I'll achieve. I want to go home from university and see my parents and hang out with my sister and my dogs.

But today is another day of not watching porn. (Typing the word porn in this last sentence just felt awkward. In a kind of fantastic way.) It's been so long since I typed that word. It made me realize that watching pornography is not what I want to do because I know it won't make me feel any better. It's not going to solve any problems I have. I know this and I don't even have the urge to engage with porn. I think this is what a success story looks like on a day to day level for me.

For me, I stopped watching because it was wasting my time, hurting women, and distorting my visions of love and sex. And I am so proud of myself for doing this. I've shown myself I have discipline. I have courage. I have strength. I matter.

I've learned not watching porn doesn't mean you won't feel shitty sometimes. Shitty days happen no matter who you are. Even after you stop watching porn. But remembering that I don't watch porn reminds me I am more than a single shitty day.

I am so grateful to this community for providing voices to people looking to reflect on themselves. I believe in you all as others believe in me.

Feel free to ask any questions.

I love you.
ThisTime

 

For me, some days and/or weeks are better than others. This week in particular was pretty tough. Images and videos popped into my head that really disturbed me. I got boners that wouldn't go away and I was upset at myself that I did. But (1) oftentimes that's out of my control, and (2) I can get control back about what I think by reminding myself about what I really want in life. The two weeks before this one were fantastic with minimal urges and porn took up quite a small amount of memory in my brain.

I think it really ebbs and flows, but I just take it one day at a time because that's all I can take.

Hope this helps

 

Hey man!

Speaking honestly, there is no "one day" when the urges go down. However, getting the discipline to not watch porn has been a process, and your brain helps you out. Over time, the images start to fade, the videos pop up less frequently. Every day, while it may not seem that way, I know I am getting better.

Setting goals for yourself is immensely important, whether it's trying to make it 30 days, 90 days, forever. Just know that you can only control today, and take it one day at a time. I try my best not to have the mindset "I will never watch porn again", but rather "today I won't watch porn because...".

Good luck. This community supports you. You are loved.
- ThisTime