Finally unrooting this rotten thing

Hi everyone,

Glad to be here. I was born in a very repressed environment where PM were forbidden, only sex within mariage was permitted. I PMOed anyways but with great shame until 18 y.o. When I left this environment, I thought that I could just PMO as much as I want and that the shame was the problem.

Little did I know that PM had given me premature ejac already and that ruined my first relationship and kept me from sleeping with at least 10 women that wanted me. I was to afraid I would come quick. But behind the scene I would PMO.

Then I entered a 10 years relationship with a woman that came from the same environment and our sex life was crappy for these 10 years, we were both checking porn in secret.

I put a stop to the relationship and entered a new relationship 2 years ago with a new woman that is really nice. She told me I could PMO but not check certain categories. Up until 1.5 years ago I had no idea of all the damage that porn could have made.

I became aware and stopped for 5 months, then relapsed and tried again a few times, mostly succeeding 2 weeks or 2 months here and there but always falling back to it when I was feeling bad emotionally. I would block my conscience, say screw it and then go full porn mode for a bit until I experienced mild PIED and told myself I would have to stop again.

No more.

It's been 41 days off now. As usual I'm at a point where i struggle and find myself checking social media profiles of cute women if i come across them on a feed or i check profile pictures of pretty girls at work when I have to chat them for work related matters. I also look at women in public transportation. Basically I need a dopamine fix and my brain tries to give it to me from anywhere.

Everytime I catch myself doing one of the above, I stop and don't shame myself too much, which is great progress. I don't have pretty women to have power over me where I need to check them. I am my own man and want to treat everyone the same. I don't stare at ugly old women, young men or etc. so why would i do it for pretty women. I also think that society gives too much credit for physical appearances (for men as well), we gotta stop saying people are hot.

This gives other people too much power over us and make us modify how we act. I don't want my porn modified brain make me feel nervous around a pretty woman just because she is pretty. She is just a human being and I don't even want to seduce her.

I love my girlfriend and want to focus on her. But when I checked porn, my brain would tell me i needed more women in my life and that maybe i'm a polygamous at heart. Now I'm not so sure anymore, which is good. But I want to stop getting the feeling that I should chase pretty women to validate myself and that having sex with hot chicks is the key to hapiness. This is shallow and for sure porn was feeding this.

I want to come back to the deeper and more fulfilling things in life, not just think about women's bodyparts and the hunt to get them. Happiness is not there, but my brain is damaged. Time to make it heal. Sex is great, but is overrated in our society. What about love, connection, laugh, nature, music etc.

This is time to change. I have fought major urges recently (and today) and won, I did not relapse and will not.

This is my life. F*ck you porn.

 

Thanks!!! Getting there slowly. Alone at the computer right now again, with the whole day ahead of me. Will not be PMO. Fuck it.

I feel depressed today and tired, but i ate bad for the last days and have not trained in 3 days..

 

There it is, I had a PMO session after cravings got too hard for about 60 days. Counter reset. Really not proud.

Gotta start again, I think I will re-read your brain on porn..