Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 737: 02/04/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, since we spoke throughout the day, we decided to watch some TV. He again decided to spoil me and give me a foot rub, as good as it feels to receive them, I still can not get used to it. I really do appreciate everything he does for me, what a difference from the past, where I felt like Casper 24/7.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Here's Where To Find Your Real Happiness And Peace", in this episode, we learn how and where to find the most real happiness. Remember, real happiness doesn't come from money, success or fame. It comes from expressing gratitude.

This morning, I woke up to a few cute messages on the back of our bedroom door, on Facebook and an adorable photo he put together on messenger, it made my morning, although I wonder what his coworker thinks about it lol. This is something the 'old Wade' would never do, ever. Due to the weird-ass weather thing morning, we decided to head down to the mall today, where we continued listening to "The Only Way You Know You’re Alive is To Create" an interview with Felicia Day, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Felicia Day is a professional actress who has appeared in numerous television shows and films. They discussed how to focus on what’s important and how to love ourselves unconditionally. On the ride back home, he stopped and again told me how lucky he feels to be here with me, right now and in general, and I truly do believe he believes that and it does feel good. I feel the same way, I'm happy that he chose to put in the work and by doing that, he enabled me to see that him changing was possible, that him being honest could happen and that him loving me, in the way I always dreamed of being loved... could come from him and not how I always assumed 'there would be someone else out there who would love me the way I deserved to be loved, because Wade is incapable of that". It was a nice chat, it made me feel good when I was feeling down in general.


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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved how Wade's little love messages make me feel.

#Motivational
REAL HAPPINESS LIES IN GRATITUDE

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 738: 02/05/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Silence.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we laid in bed a little, just resting and not talking much. My brain was so overwhelmed with dealing with my parent's issues, that I needed to just be held and breathe. Then we watched some tv as he soothed me with a nice foot rub.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Making A Commitment To Change Your Life For The Better", in this episode, Freddy Fri Day gives us a message designed to remind you that you can turn the nonproductive items on your checklist into a winners guide of daily productive activities by simply committing to change your life for the better! Remember, without commitment, there can be no lasting success.

This morning, I wasn't feeling well at all, so my parent's dropped off the girls at school, Wade got stuck at work (prob till 11 pm, sigh) and I stayed home. Although I feel horrible about my body image at the moment, the pain was too much for a walk, it wouldn't have been efficient. I worked on helping Wade's with his page and doing more research for my parents because they will be back in the afternoon to continue giving me stress about his whole tax situation. I'm also on a mission to figure out what is causing my phone to suddenly overheat and charge poorly... it's such a scam, the whole industry, they force you into needing a new phone after a certain amount of time passes or after you pay off your device. On and off I listened to some motivational videos and then watched Ozark, definitely could trigger some PA's, so I would avoid it if I were you.

I'm just hoping I can figure out my parent's stuff before my head officially explodes.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I didn't shame myself for skipping my walk.

#Motivational
Commit To Changing Your Life

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 739: 02/06/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we laid in bed and talked about each other's days, again about my feelings about attractiveness - especially if I gain any weight. How I am afraid any change in my appearance could cause him to stray with his eyes; which could lead to relapse in my opinion, but he said it is completely impossible. After our talk, we went and spoke to our eldest about integrity and honesty; how both must be earned back after she has been quite inconsistent in what she says recently, it is her responsibility. Wade told her that he had learned the value of honesty, so he is talking to her from personal experience. Then we went to watch some TV, where he gave me a lovely foot rub - before heading to bed and passing out.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Change Your Life: How To Change A Bad Habit", in this episode, we learn how to change a bad habit and ultimately change your life. Remember, we are what we repeatedly do.

This morning, we walked at the mall due to the rain, we began listening to "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late: Marriage Secrets from a Divorce Lawyer" an interview with James Sexton, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Marriage is something that is so important to people. In fact, you probably thought about what your wedding would be like as a child. When people go into a marriage they think so much about their venue, their cake, their guest list — but they never really think about what they are signing up for. Marriage is, legally, one of the most important things you can do. You are signing away half of your life. And there’s nothing wrong with that – if it’s the right person. Mr. Sexton is an NYC divorce attorney, with over 20 years of experience in his field, but along the way, e learned a whole lot more about people and their relationships. He also the author of the incredibly informative book on marriage "If You’re in My Office, You’re Already Too Late". So far, they've discussed what is the technology of marriage (how it is mechanical and filled with unsavory probabilities/ratios that we usually ignore and stick to surface level stuff), what training would you want people to go through before getting married? does he feel when marriage gets rough that they should throw in the towel or work through it? what are the most important things to find out about your spouse before getting married? why people tell more to their lawyers than their therapists, and when one client realized her marriage was over. I gotta say, so far this interview has really opened up a lot of good conversations with Wade and myself because it is so relatable, especially when the woman realized her marriage was essentially over; it's the little things that count and when they stop - something is usually wrong. I can't wait to hear the rest of it when we can, which probably won't be for a few days sadly. Then a funny moment occurred when Wade stopped me to tell me what his 10-year goal was; which was for us to still be doing these little things together (walking/talking/holding hands) etc., so I automatically responded with "well, we can make that happen" or something like that and he got all giddy because he said that was my first thought which got him really excited because I didn't say what usually comes to mind after some rationalizing about our future: "if we are still together by then or if you don't lose attraction towards me." It was a cute moment.

Later today I have to figure out some more stuff for my parents and then by the time I am done with all that, the kids will be home and well, more noise, sigh.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The great connection I felt this morning with Wade.

#Motivational
It Takes Only A Few Days To Change Your Habits

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 740: 02/07/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Minutes of Silence.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, well, it was a rough one, I got really triggered and my mind was firing off so many different ideas as to what just transpired. I won't go into too much detail, as I do not want to retrigger myself, but it all started with Wade acting surprised to receive a phone call from a friend... whom he had called first about an hour ago and this friend was actually just returning his call. I know that every time Wade has a vacation coming up, he finds a reason to call this friend with the hopes of meeting up, once he acted out so selfishly about it that he wanted to schedule the hangout, after our celebratory dinner, which would leave me alone for hours. Not to mention this is a friend who otherwise ignores him, never calls him first, even 'forgot' to mention he was expecting a baby until she was born and then he just shoots over a text with a photo "had a baby!". Normally this is not a big deal to me; him hanging out with his friend or speaking to him etc, had told me anything about it or any of the feelings he claims to have had about it, at all, but because he acted so shady - seemingly going behind my back, acting selfish, off and ending up with a story that was full of way too many coincidences. Then when he saw I was triggered, the sorry's and the "it really was all pure coincidence", that he wasn't trying to deceive me or go behind my back began and went on for a really long time - this whole ordeal, it had my gut feeling going nuts all night. His 'forgetfulness', his thoughtlessness, selfishness, and 'subconscious' actions remind me a lot of the past and make me wonder about the future... what else could he forget and so quickly? what other actions would he take through his subconscious? when the time was right? too much uncertainty there.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Questions You Should Ask Yourself Everyday", in this episode, John Maxwell suggests 3 questions you should ask yourself every day. Remember, everything worthwhile is uphill.

This morning, I woke up still feeling the after-effects of last night, the whole situation left a very bad taste in my mouth. Anyway, I distracted myself with some work while I finished listening to "The Power of Reflection for Lifelong Relationships" an interview with Justin Baldoni, on On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Justin is an American actor, director, and entrepreneur most known for the show, Jane the Virgin, and directing his most recent film, Five Feet Apart. They discussed everything from what it takes to let a pure message pass through you, all the way to finding more nuanced alternatives to “toxic masculinity.” Justin brings a unique perspective to the table, with his Hollywood success and speaking on the TED stage. They also talked about how to deal with feeling excluded from the group, and what it takes as an adult to cope with those wounds that still have yet to fully heal. It was a good interview, but I think I loved his TED Talk more. Then after the kids went to school, I FINALLY had two hours to myself, to just decompress and chill. I also got a really sweet message from another member here (through Discord) and it brightened my mood a bit.

Wade's vacation starts today, unfortunately, I'm still feeling disconnected from him because of last night, I hope this feeling doesn't linger all week, I guess time will tell...

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got out of bed this morning.

#Relationships
If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 741: 02/08/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Storytime with my little one.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, our downstairs neighbor was throwing a party and holy shit, the entire apartment was shaking, from 4:30 pm, until 11:00 pm. It was so bad that we even had to Super go and ask her to turn it down, a least the base - you know to have some kind of courtesy or decency, you living in a space with a lot of people, this isn't a damn club. So, this heifer tells the Super "NO, I am not going to turn it down", what kind of animal is she? holy shit, a teacher no less, I was praying so hard for the 10 plagues to come at her.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Power of Gratitude And How It Can Change Your Life", in this episode, Jay Shetty talks with us about the power of gratitude and how it can change your life. Remember, there are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

This morning, everything seemly started out normally, until Wade decided to make a joke, one that was not funny at all, at least not to me. Every morning, when I get up, I go and weigh myself like clockwork, for some reason even though my diet hasn't changed much and neither has my exercising habits... my weight just continues to rise. This has been a real sore spot for me... causing severe tension, stress, and anxiety because I can not understand why it's happening all of a sudden, but also because when I gain weight it makes me feel less attractive, less appealing, less desirable to Wade, and I have always put two and two together, no matter what he says; IE: I gain weight = he becomes less attracted = he acts out or stops recovery altogether and I'm back to where I started pre-recovery, only difference would be is me having to start over, even older than before. So, what did he do? as I got on the scale for my morning weigh-in, all of a sudden the numbers began going down, and then it stopped much lower than I was expecting to see, which confused me but got me excited, because I began assuming maybe whatever hormones were affecting me or water weight came off overnight (which happened before), it gave me so much happiness and hopefulness, which ended up lasting for about 5 seconds, until I realized that the numbers were low because Wade had placed his foot on the scale from behind me "to be funny/make a joke", causing the scale to give me that false/lower result. I haven't felt so much shame about my body or felt so horrible about myself in a really long time, it was by far one of the cruelest and most insensitive "jokes" I had ever been party to. It makes me question the authenticity of the 'compliments' he keeps giving me, his promises to never hurt me, etc if he doesn't take how I feel about this seriously; after he put me in this position in the first place. And if this kind of thing is funny to him - what else can fall under this category? perhaps him telling me I look good in jeans or I'm beautiful are also funny jokes to him? and I've been the dummy assuming he was being real and honest about it. I'm still shocked right now - so letdown, not just by my weight but by his cruel action. How at this point, he could be so hurtful about something he knows 110% I would never find funny, not now, not 10 years ago - not ever. He knows how sensitive I am about my weight, especially now, and to screw with my head and emotions like that was so f*cked up, it destroyed my whole sense of self, I don't want to deal with anyone right now, however, I feel bad because it's not their fault, I'm just not in a good place right now, mentally. Regardless of feeling like shit, I went to a book-reading event with my little one which distracted me for a time and seeing her laugh and smile helped. Then we got home and now all the questions, noise and anything extra is just irritating me.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Spending some time with my little one.

#Relationships
How Gratitude Can Change Your Life

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 742: 02/09/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Hanging out with friends.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, even though I was feeling disconnected, upset, etc and he was in physical pain, he still insisted on giving me a back rub to alleviate my stress, which I appreciate. I am having a difficult time shaking off the hurt from the 'joke' he made, no matter his intentions or lack thereof. I was not so much triggered (mad) as I was disappointed/hurt. I was shocked by how someone I trusted with one of my deepest sore spots; a deep vulnerability, my weight issues - could pull a joke aka stunt like this. Anyway, after he did that, he also gave me a foot rub as we watched TV. Then we went to sleep, he asked if he could hug me and I said yes, he seemed surprised.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Achieve A Higher State of Consciousness", in this episode, we learn how to reach and live at a higher state of consciousness, and why it's important to do so. Remember, sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere. And sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.

This morning, it was bitter cold but I needed to get my walk in. During our walk, we continued listening to "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late: Marriage Secrets from a Divorce Lawyer" an interview with James Sexton, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Mr. Sexton is an NYC divorce attorney, with over 20 years of experience in his field, but along the way, e learned a whole lot more about people and their relationships. He also the author of the incredibly informative book on marriage "If You’re in My Office, You’re Already Too Late". Just as the beginning of this interview, the information he is sharing here is so important, we both wish we would have taken 1/4th of the advice he names here, before marriage. When we were driving back home, we talked a little bit about what we heard so far in the interview (different types of betrayal) and then I explained to him how his cruel joke was also a form of betrayal because I had trusted him with that vulnerability and he turned it into a hurtful jab/joke. It doesn't matter if what he claims is true or not, that he did it out of stupidity/impulse with no back thoughts behind it or if he did it knowing it was hurt me, the end result is the same to me, I got affected deeply on multiple counts. He seemed to have understood, then I explained why this time I was still okay with him hugging me at night... to me... there's a difference between hurt/disappointed and pissed off (aka when I'm so enraged that keeping him in the doghouse is better for us both). Then we got ourselves ready to go visit our friends and on the ride there (and back) we again continued listening to Mr. Sexton's interview. We ended up having a good time catching up with our friends, much better than I had expected. Once we got home, Wade began feeling light-headed, shortness of breath and just weak, he was complaining of a sore throat this morning and similar issues, I told him that he might be coming down with something, but he said no he doesn't think so. But it started hitting him worse when we got home, I asked him if he wanted me to take him to the ER and he said no, so I gave him some Tylenol cold and he went to lay down for a bit. I really hope it is just a cold and nothing more serious.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loving how excited my little one was about seeing her friend.

#Motivational
Upgrade Your Consciousness

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 743: 02/10/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) No Flu.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, I held down the fort as Wade was dealing with his illness. I kept checking in on him as his fever got to 104, but he did not want to go to the ER. After some more meds, his tempt dropped a bit thankfully but he still felt horrible.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Improve Your Self-Confidence: Change The Way You See Yourself", in this episode, Jim Rohn talks about how to change the way you see yourself so that you can improve your self-confidence. Remember, what you need to think about is not how you see the Universe, what you need to think about is how the Universe sees you.

This morning, we dropped the kids off at school and went to the doctors. Wade tested for the flu and strep, turns out the symptoms are very similar, luckily it was strep and not the flu. He still feels like shit, but now he is on prescribed meds which will hopefully help him. My client sent me a buttload of work, so now I'll really have to manage my time well between that and taking care of Wade and the kids. Wish me luck!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Happy Wade didn't have the flu.

#Motivational
Change The Way You See Yourself

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 744: 02/11/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Work.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade began feeling a bit better, but it was on and off, as one would expect when you have something compromising your immune system. I hoped the feeling better would have lasted a bit longer, but he began feeling worse at night again, especially his throat and had the same luck with sleep as I did... aka none.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Create Your Future Just The Way You Want It To Be", in this episode, we learn how to create your future just the way you want it to be. Remember, the best way to predict the future is to create it.

This morning, we finished listening to "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late: Marriage Secrets from a Divorce Lawyer" an interview with James Sexton, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Mr. Sexton is an NYC divorce attorney, with over 20 years of experience in his field, but along the way, he learned a whole lot more about people and their relationships. He also the author of the incredibly informative book on marriage "If You’re in My Office, You’re Already Too Late". An awesome interview that I believe every couple should watch/listen to. We went to the supermarket because Wade felt a little better, but that didn't last long, while we were there, he began feeling chills and rundown again, so we hurried up and came home so he could get under the covers and take a nap -- and I could work. Funny thing is, as much pain as working puts me in, at this moment in time, I am really grateful for the distraction as I hold down the fort as best as I can household wise. It is keeping my mind somewhat off of my depressive state, that was really set off by Wade's "joke" a few days ago and if I had nothing but idle time plus no walks, just to sit there and think about all this, I don't even know how much deeper it would go. I can't even look at myself in the mirror right now, that's how disgusting I've been feeling, Wade keeps trying to give me compliments, but they are falling on deaf ears, especially with each passing day - but luckily work is saturating some of these feelings from time to time.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Haven't fallen apart yet.

#Relationships
The difference between healthy and unhealthy love

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 745: 02/12/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Silence.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, as sick as Wade was, he knew how broken I was after working all day and he still gave me a full treatment (back, hand and foot rub). I told him not to because I didn't want him feeling worse or in pain, but he didn't listen. Well, I appreciate it, as it did help alleviate my severe back pain and every other ache I was feeling, I already lost track of where it was coming from.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Your Differences Are What Make You Great Embrace Them", in this episode, we're reminded that being different is good and should be embraced. Remember, to make a difference you must be different.

This morning, we didn't get to walk again, which of course sucks but it is what it is. Before taking the girls to school, after setting them up with breakfast, etc., we listened to "4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships" a Ted Talk with Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings. In this talk, they discussed the four main pillars of having a successful relationship and they are 1. Be curious, not critical, 2. Be careful, not crushing, 3. Ask, don’t assume, and 4. Connect, before you correct. If you really think about it though, the main point of all four of those points is: communication - something Wade and I learned is pivotal in the growth and success of our relationship.

Then I continued working the rest of the day, now I can barely move and I feel nauseous to boot lol yeah! fun times.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Didn't pass out.

#Motivational
Being Different Is Ok

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 746: 02/13/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) MORNING WALK.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, although he was still feeling sick (but much better *yeah!), again he spoiled me with a full-on back, hand and foot rub after the many hours of work I put in because he knew how much pain I was feeling. During the back rub, he was telling me how sorry he was for the many years of hurt (emotional) he had put me through, and I hear the true remorse in his voice. I appreciate him recognizing and truly feeling the pain he had caused me over the years. Then we finished watching some TV and went to bed... Wade finally got a full night's sleep. Me... not so much lol eh, maybe next time.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Win At The Game Of Life By Playing The Long Game", in this episode, we learn how to win at the game of life by playing the long game. Remember, you can't adjust the wind but you can adjust the sail.

This morning, we listened to "This Is What it Actually Takes to Have a Happy Relationship" a special Valentine's interview with Tom Bilyeu on Women of Impact with Lisa Bilyeu. What does it take to make a marriage work? Tom and Lisa share their history and talk about how to build trust, why you need to keep your sex life alive forever, the extent to which you can influence your partner, and how to deal with changing roles in the relationship. Throughout this interview, they discuss why you have to choose the right person to be within the first place, how your personalities can be different - but your values need to be quite similar, Tom discusses how easy it was to have differences when he wasn’t giving anything up, how you should never weaponize your knowledge of your partner, defining roles in a relationship, loving each phase of the relationship for what it is, how you will always find other people attractive but because of love and commitment you become antifragile to other people, how to never take anything for granted, and keep your sex life alive forever, and how he and Lisa learned to not test each other or drop hints. It was a very good discussion and made us nostalgic for Relationship Theory. It also opened up some good conversation for the two of us, even if we still have different viewpoints on where Wade stands on the whole visual/attraction commitment to me (aka antifragile).

Also, it was so freaking awesome that we actually walked today, after not doing so all week ... feeling like a slob, out of balance and so blah. I was about to skip out today too (wasn't feeling it this morning), but Wade actually insisted and I am glad he did, it was so good.

Tomorrow we plan to do something special for our girls, to teach them how a man should treat them on Valentine's Day...

I hope everyone will have a nice day tomorrow.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling great because I was in balance today.

#Motivational
How to Play the Long Game (and Avoid Burnout)

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 747: 02/14/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Valentine's Day.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spent most of the night lecturing (with love) our eldest, hoping to get through to her... eventually. Then we went to watch some TV before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Develop The Mental Toughness To Never Give Up", in this episode, we learn how to develop the mental toughness you need to have so that you never give up. Remember, whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right.

This morning, Wade and I exchanged Valentine's Day gifts, I got him a card handmade by me and a custom make beer opener... he got me a custom made storybook, it was beautiful. Then, we had a doctor's appointment to go to with my mom, while waiting for her to be called... I was in the middle of trying to make him a cute little Valentine's day collage, I even sat up straight and held my phone up close to my face, to avoid him seeing what I was doing, but he still started peeking, I looked up at him and he smirked at me - all I said was 'forget it' because that totally killed it for me. Anyway, he apologized and I accepted, but I told him, I won't be finishing it/posting it, the element of surprise is gone and so was my excitement for doing it/surprising him with it because he couldn't just mind his business. Anyhow, soon we will be going to pick up our girls from school to take them to their surprise Valentine's Day Date/Dinner, instead of just going on a date with just the two of us, we'll be taking them out instead, to make them feel special and loved, I think they'll enjoy it. Plus, after the last week or so that we've had as a couple, I don't think I'd be in much of a mood for a one on one date (not to mention possible triggers), so this is better.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Slept for a few hours more than expected.

#Motivational
4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 748: 02/15/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, after a nice dinner with our girls (aka date for Valentine's Day) we got home and just wanted to relax. After setting them all up for the night, Wade left a handwritten letter on the bed for me and it was sweet. Then he asked me for a slow dance, which was followed by a soothing back massage, tv with a foot rub, and some chocolate with strawberries. Overall, it was a lovely evening/night.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “You Are Limitless Do Not Allow Others To Limit You", in this episode, Jack Ma reminds you that you are limitless. Do not allow others to place their limits on you. Remember, you are only confined by the walls that you create.

This morning, we began listening to "Jay Shetty Interviews His Wife For Valentine’s Day" an interview with Radhi Shetty, on, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. During this interview, Jay and his wife get together on camera again to talk about the past year and answer frequently asked questions from Jay’s audience - about their relationship. It was a fun, sweet and inquisitive interview because we were able to pause and participate by asking each other the questions they were getting and responding to. Today I think both of us felt a little bit better and more connected than we have in recent days. I love morning walks, I love being in balance.

The rest of the day will be work, work, work.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I woke up in good spirits this morning.

#Motivational
Alibaba Founder Jack Ma: 'Harvard Rejected Me 10 Times

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 749: 02/16/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me another lovely back rub and followed it up with a foot rub. I appreciate it, don't get me wrong - but I feel so guilty about being this spoiled, I don't deserve this type of treatment. But it does help me back, legs and body so much.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Essential Life Skills: How To Develop Patience", in this episode, we get some great tips on how to develop patience. One of life's most essential life skills. Remember, with patience one can achieve what force never will.

This morning, we took the kids to the science museum and it was packed, there were a few triggers here and there, but I think I handled myself decently. I hope Wade didn't have too many issues with them. The whole family had a really good time there, a lot of activities and that was the point, so I was happy about that. During the car ride to and from we finished listening to "Jay Shetty Interviews His Wife For Valentine’s Day" an interview with Radhi Shetty, on, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. During this interview, we were able to feel like we were apart of it because we got to pause and participate by asking each other the questions they were getting and responding to. We also got my favorite food and ate it with smiles on our faces at home.

Tomorrow, Wade's vacation comes to an end, I'm sad about that and the kid's winter break begins, sigh. Fun times, fun times.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I didn't have as many triggers as I thought I would today.

#Motivational
Society's Problem With Patience & Why That's Problematic

---------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 750: 02/17/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Work.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched some TV as he indulged me with another foot rub. Then since I was super tired, we went to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Replace Bad Habits and Replace Them With Better Ones", in this episode, we learn how to replace bad habits and replace them with better ones. Remember, the quality of your habits will determine the quality of your future.

This morning, we began listening "Breaking Negative Thought Patterns & Stop Being Lazy About Your Growth" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Tom Bilyeu is the founder of Impact Theory, he sits down with Jay to talk about how loving what you do is the key to being able to keep going when things get tough in your business. Although Tom started out just wanting to make money, over time he’s learned having an impact and making a difference is what he and wife Lisa really want. Then we ran an errand at Costco, it was packed and there were a lot of triggers there. This soured my mood, he empathized with me but as I mentioned to him... I just don't know how it is possible for him not to feel anything when they are around, especially when I'm the one next to him (compared to them all).

Time to work!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Held myself together, as much as I could.

#Motivational
HOW TO BREAK THE BAD HABITS

---------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 751: 02/18/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, I was waiting for him in the living room because I thought we would be watching some TV as usual, but he pulled me into the bedroom because he said he wanted to chat. Then he said 'let's do a backrub' and it was a bit of a surprise, I loved it lol I definitely wasn't expecting it. During the backrub, we spoke about the triggers from Costco and well, the opened us up to a long discussion about this very long, tired and sore topic. I won't go into too many details, because I've gone through this topic on here so many times and my position/opinions have not changed. My fears continue to dominate and have a stronghold over my emotions and thoughts about this/us, which scares me that this is not something that I can get passed. We moved the conversation to the living room where he gave me a nice foot rub, but I felt bad about having this very conversation, as he was giving me this sweet attention. My main point was that I had zero percent of his attention for over a decade, so when I finally got to my decision that I wanted to be with someone where I had 100% of their attention, I set a relationship goal for myself. So, knowing that he still continues to have the need to pause to mentally acknowledge, compartmentalize or categorize other women (for any reason), unlike glossing them over (like I do with men)... reminds me that I will never get to that place with him - which scares me because it means I will never get rid of my triggers, I will never have peace of mind. What place am I referring to? where I have that safety and security that no matter who is around, I know the only person on his mind, 100% is me. Maybe that's naive, maybe I'm the only human being like this or maybe it's selfish, but it's about time I am selfish. The crazy thing is, I love him to death, the connection we have is irreplaceable at this point and to be honest, I don't want to be with anybody else because he has become the husband I wanted to have from the start... but relationship safety and security is a big piece that is missing for me and the triggers, that are related to that - they drain me daily, drive me insane and kill my chance at true happiness.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “In Your Pursuit Of Happiness You Get To Choose Your Sacrifice", in this episode, Jordan Peterson reminds you that in the course of your pursuit of happiness you get the opportunity to choose your sacrifice. Remember, two things prevent us from happiness - living in the past and observing others.

This morning, we continued listening to "Breaking Negative Thought Patterns & Stop Being Lazy About Your Growth" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Tom Bilyeu is the founder of Impact Theory and as usual, he is full of insight, passion and so much good advice. Later on, I asked Wade how he was feeling after our talk last night and we spoke about that during our car ride home. I felt bad having to tell him about my challenges and why I feel so scared about it. Then he told me he is confused/shocked at how it is possible for me not to subliminally pause to think about it if I approach someone who is attractive; if even for a second, like for example if I'm about to check out at the store and my cashier is an attractive man -- how would I not at least think to myself "this is an attractive guy" or "he's cute"... and I told him, that it just does not register for me/phase me, I don't think like that and many may not believe -and oh well, lol, but it's true. Perhaps I do have some weird-ass defect and I am the only person in the world that thinks this way, but unless I am asked flat out "hey, do you think this man is attractive?" I won't care enough to stop and think about this person, at all. But if someone does ask me, then yes, I will look at the man again and then respond to the questioner with a "hmm, yes, this is an attractive man" or "no, I do not find him attractive". When I walk up to this man, I will interact with him, like with any other person, completely glossing over whether he is attractive or average. I have absolutely no need to waste any time or mental energy on him. What will get me to pause? if they have something distinctively off or weird going on like if he had funky hair, dressed like a clown, wearing daisy dukes and cowboy boots in winter or something out of the ordinary, now that I would pause for. So, is it too much to ask for someone else to also not give an ounce of mental energy to other people, especially ones they continue to find attractive enough to make a mental note, compartmentalize or categorize, you know ones they would have most likely ogled in front of me... maybe, but I don't think so, because if I can do it, it is humanly possible. To be honest, I think this is one of the biggest reasons why I just can not get to a place of safety and security in my relationship with Wade, when it comes to this specifically and probably never will, because he and I just do not see eye to eye on this. He does not believe it is possible to completely gloss over attractive people and not acknowledge them, if only subliminally - while, as I've mentioned, I can do just that with no qualms. The thing is, I need to feel in my gut, that when we are out and about, together, no matter who is around - I am 100% his priority, that no matter how many beautiful women are next to us he only sees me, only I matter to him, but if he continues to give any amount of mental energy (which he still does) to these women - subliminally for 1 second, 5 seconds or 15 second -- that still means his mind drifts to them; when he is with me, just like it always has - the only difference is now he is aware of it and snaps out of it quicker. I must sound like I am rambling, but it all makes sense in my head.

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Allowing myself to be completely honest with Wade and checking up on him about how he is feeling about that.

#Motivational
PICK YOUR DAMN SACRIFICE

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-------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
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Yep, pretty much and I get that I may be the only person in the world like this too, I just don't care enough to process extra thought about it, no one ever just stops me in my tracks (mentally), maybe it's because of what I do for a living or just how I've always been. I don't give any extra thought to men on tv shows or movies either unless someone asks me for my opinion and I give them an honest response or if it's apart of a conversation; like with a tv show Wade and I were just watching and both of us said that two of the stars were attractive, but would look a lot better without their facial earrings - both a male and female one. I can distinguish between someone who is 'beautiful' (in my opinion) versus someone who I find ugly, of course, but I can be brutal sometimes and find flaws and imperfections everywhere (it's my job and a lot has been heavily ingrained in my head after years of comparing myself to women Wade ogled too). However, in all honesty, I feel like I am so desensitized to them (attractive men), I don't ever find myself pausing to have a thought about it, I just don't care enough to be wowed by anyone, they don't matter to me, no one is so gorgeous that they amaze me or give me pause - I know I'm weird but it is how I've been since forever. So, I'll use the scenario my husband gave me, to see if I could make more sense: if I walked up to the register and the cashier was an attractive guy, I would be able to physically distinguish (visually) that he wasn't hideous or deformed, in the same way, that I would see that an average man wasn't visually hideous or deformed in the same way - and I would continue going about my business and associating with him as normal - there would be zero difference in my perception of him as I walked over to his register. Now, what would give my brain an extra thought process (or pause) would be if this man was missing 5 teeth when he smiled, a huge scar or tattoo across his face, if he had pink streaks in his hair or any distinguishing feature that would sort of shock me because it is not something I expected to see a few minutes prior. Otherwise, my brain isn't totally broken because I can see, think about and get excited when Wade is looking hot in his jeans, a suit or his uniform and I get many thoughts that go along with that, but I won't go into those details here, so I know I can still have those types of thoughts, I just don't for other men, I don't know why or how, but it is what it is. Perhaps if I went back to the dating scene, I would also gain that brain process back, but at the moment, it's just not how it works for me.

 

LOL! I'm a celebrity photo retoucher, I make them look 'beautiful' (to the industry standard) for Magazine's, Ads, etc. I also use to work at a talent agency, with models as well - so you guessed well lol. I see the 'before' photos and I am the one who creates what people see in the 'after' aka the beautiful illusions, based on what the managers, publicists, agents/advertisers (you name it) want the end-user to see. I know that nobody is perfect and I can find flaws everywhere because my eye has been trained to do so (to be able to 'fix it').

I do have a type, and I can distinguish between beautiful and not but my eyes/brain connection is perhaps more connected to my loyalty I guess? because now that you have me thinking about celebrities, I've been a Leonardo DiCaprio fan since the '90s, he was my first crush and come to think of it, even as he has aged and physically changed (gained weight, lost weight) he has always been attractive to me and stayed that way, I would pick him over any of the new 'hot' heartthrobs out there, plus, I also think he is a phenomenal actor.

I can tell you if you ask me if someone is beautiful, I can acknowledge who is and isn't (to my taste) for example, Salma Hayek - I think she is beautiful, Chris Hemsworth - he is an attractive man. BUT, having said that, in real-world situations, the only thing that gives me pause is someone that provides physical shock value, in a negative light, unfortunately, like someone who is utterly fooooogly, dressed stupidly, etc - if someone looks good or average, my sensors don't get triggered at all (unless it is a woman Wade would have ogled), otherwise, other men - I just gloss them over because they just don't affect me in any way, they don't shock me if that makes sense?

 

DAY 752: 02/19/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke on and off in the evening about the topic of how my weird brain works. Then we watched some tv as he gave me a foot rub, before having to leave for work. Midway through that, my dad calls me and warns me that he may or may not call me in the middle of the night, because he is feeling sick - so he might need me to drive him to the ER. Which of course led me to a sleepless night full of uncertainty and worry... he ended up never calling and was okay by morning thankfully, I just wish he wouldn't have pre-called and only called if it was really an emergency, so I wouldn't have to worry all night.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why You Must Choose Your Friends Carefully", in this episode, Freddy Fri reminds us why you must choose your friends carefully. Remember, you cannot change the people around you, nor should it be your goal to do so. What you can and should do without hesitation or reservation is to change the people you choose to be around.

This morning, before we began our walk Wade told me about his productive night, but also a somewhat slip he had, he just turned around and she was there or something like that, he is not sure if it counts but wanted to count it anyway because he is aware of it. During our walk, we continued listening to "Breaking Negative Thought Patterns & Stop Being Lazy About Your Growth" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. As usual, after only a few minutes we found ourselves pausing and diving deep into conversations that stem from the interview discussion, such as 'awareness'. It is always nice that we can branch off and have a 20-minute discussion, from a 2-minute response from Tom or Jay lol. One of Tom's points, about never wanting to stay in a situation that leaves him unhappy, led our conversation back to the topic of the last few days, as it circles back to my point of missing this one huge piece, always leaving me miserable. Wade made his points, that I am different and need to be more open to the fact that other people can not be like me, which I can agree with, however, I shouldn't have to be stuck with that as my only option either. It would be different had he always treated me right and given me attention, I wouldn't even have it in my head, whether or not he is noticing anyone else for 1 second or 5, but our situation, our history taught me something very different - I always had 0% out of 100% and I refuse to share my attention, even 1% of it, with anyone else, not anymore, it's my turn to be selfish - I want, no I need to FEEL that no matter who is nearby, no matter how hot, sexy, beautiful or whatever they are, in my gut I know for certain that Wade's focus is 200% only on me, the whole time; where I don't even have to question it, because I know that to him - no one else matters or triggers his brain/eyes in even the slightest way, he has become indifferent to them; just as I am towards other people around us. My eyes can scan a room and notice my surroundings and not even flinch at the sight of someone who is attractive versus someone who is average, why? because no one else matters to me, I just don't give two shits, I am desensitized to it, no one is just so unbelievably jaw-dropping to cause me to pause or care. Believe it or not, that is how my brain works and if mine does, there have to be others out there that can function in the same way, if not then I would love to be in the Guinness book of world records for this. Having said all that, this is what kills me most is that I want to be with Wade, the man he is now, but knowing his brain will always see 'them' and 'categorize' them no matter what, always taking away from me - as they have for over a decade, even if it is a lot less (because I know he is changing) gives me a lot of pain and fear of never being truly happy. I know he loves me just as much as I love him, especially these days... we're connected on a level that no one else could top off for either of us. But, what am I suppose to do with this dilemma? how am I supposed to just 'deal with' or feel comfortable with the idea of never being able to feel safe and secure in where I stand in my marriage? my gut will never wake up and my triggers will never stop, and it is not because he is not changing, but it is because his brain just can not work in that way, he just can not stop his brain from still fixating on who's cute, pretty, beautiful etc., if even for a minute - which as I mentioned, takes me back to sharing that attention/focus - which I no longer care to do, period. This is all so frustrating, painful and confusing.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trigger free day.

#Motivational
New Circle Of Friends

---------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
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