It's all or nothing...

Hello all,

I'm trying to stop PMO and was reading stories from this website for a while in order to help me remember I'm not the only one in this situation and what I sometimes feel is just normal steps on my journey.
However, I also believe my situation is particular and I now feel the need to post my own thread.

I'm 38 years old and have been in a relationship for almost 15 years, I am now married and I have two daughters.
As many of you I've started MO when I was a teenager, then discovered P (thank you Internet). When I think about it, I realize it became an addiction very quickly.
Because I'm a christian, I tried to stop several times but never succeeded.
But a couple months ago, I started to be a lot more serious about it. As many of you, I wanted to stop because of my religion, because I wanted to gain control on myself, because I didn't want to be my body/brain's slave anymore, and because I felt bad hiding it from my wife.
Until now, I guess this is all pretty common.

However, I also want to get sex out of my life. Completely.
I've decided that I don't want to have sex anymore. So my challenge will not be PMO but PMOS.

I've started my PMOS challenge on 08th November 2019. It lasted 48 days, then I failed several times. But I started again and I'm now on day 42 and I'm stronger than ever.
I start my own thread today. I thought about for a while but I felt really depressed yesterday so maybe today is a good day to share my story with you.

 

She would be if I told her about it. But I won't.
Don't misunderstand me. I value communication. But about this specific subject I'm just done trying to talk about it. It's just no use and leads to arguing and anger.
I don't want to go into details about our couple situation because it is private I know she wouldn't like it.
But to answer your question I can tell you this : sex is not important for her. I quote her : "Sex is for procreation, nothing else."
For several years, we were having sex every two months more or less. Not it's "up to" every 2-3 weeks. But when we do, it's as minimalist and fast as possible. Clearly she doesn't enjoy it.
I've tried many things during these 15 years to solve this issue. Now I'm done.
The situation is simple : I, like other man, need sex in my life and in my couple. My wife doesn't like sex, she probably never will.
I believe it is easier to change ourselves than to change other people. So I will change myself.
This is how I came to this conclusion : Even though I know sex is important in a couple, even though it makes me just mad to think I'm deprived of it for the rest of my life, even though I don't know the impact it will have on my couple, this is the right thing to do.
It has been only frustration until now. I have to be realistic and take the logical decision.

I suppose I explained here above why this is not a good idea.

 

Well the irony is that she isn't catholic at all. I am catholic, she isn't.
My wife doesn't know about my PMO. She doesn't have to know. According to what she once told me, she doesn't want to know. At least she doesn't want to know about MO. She certainly would be upset about P.
But I am know solving the problem so there's no point in upsetting her now.

I do love her. It is so weird. I hate so many things about her, but I love her.
But truly loving someone is about accepting the qualities and flaws. No matter what she does or how she is and how much it sometimes pisses me off, she is still the same women I chose to marry. And our marriage was God's will. There's nothing I can question about it.
She does not enjoy sex with me. For all I know, she doesn't enjoy sex at all. I know she went trough a lot before meting me (and after). Some things I know, some things I don't. There are things she won't tell me or anyone. Communication is certainly a big issue.
You ask how we did wind up together.
When we met and became a couple, she pretend a lot of things. We had a normal sex life for a couple months for example.
By the time I understood the truth, I was already in love, and I also thought we could solve the problem together.
I'm still in love but I lost hope.
Sex is only about frustration disillusion and anger. There's a lot of anger from my side. I feel like I've been tricked, and I'm pissed that she knows how bad I feel about it and she won't do anything anyway.
Taking the decision to get sex out of my life, because the decision will come from me, I will be able to leave this anger behind.

I've read many stories here that are more or less similar to mine. It strengthens in the idea that there is nothing to do and my decision is the best. She is who she is. The only thing I really can blame her about is to have been dishonest in the beginning.

 

It's been 52 days now without P or M, and 24 days without S.
It's a win, definitely. I'm going for the 90 days challenge just to have a new goal. It's not really necessary but I'm more efficient when I have a goal.
The dark side of this story is my relationship with my wife.
Cutting S out of my life means I try not to see her as sexually attractive. This makes a huge difference.
I've always considered that S was the special moment shared by wife and husband. I mean, I can kiss my kids, have special attentions to my family, hug my friends, even live with a roommate.
But S is only (from my point of view at least) for lovers. It's the only thing you can't do with anyone else.
Now if I remove this from our couple, I don't feel like we're still a couple. We're more like co-workers running this family and raising our kids.
I don't feel the need to be seductive or attractive or anything anymore.
And even though I've decided to ban all sex activities from my life, it's still what I think about before sleeping and as soon as I'm awake.
There are only two possibilities :
- S is really that important in a relationship and we'll have to adapt, knowing that something necessary will always be missing and our relationship as a couple will never be complete
- I am having a problem and an unhealthy point of view on S. I'm giving too much importance to it.

I'm hoping the second possibility is the truth. So this decision I made would be a very good thing.

Apart that, I feel generally depressed and lack of energy. I find it difficult to have motivation for anything. But I keep going.

 

I'm pretty sure she pretended to have an active sex life to be sure I would not leave (even though I've never said on insinuated that I would). She just did what she had to do to keep me.
I think she even told me that but I'm not sure. But she did other stuff like that at the beginning of our relationship, like pretending she liked my kind of music (which she actually hates).
I don't think my PMO was the problem. She never knew about that. And regarding my sex life I really was a newbie.
She also told me she had the same situation in her previous relationship. But at that time we had no problem (it was at the beginning) so I was pretty much happy to hear that and I thought it was because the guy wasn't treating her well.
Honestly, I gave up on solving this issue. My only option is to destroy it.