Maybe it'll work out/Maybe it won't

I decided to make this journal to log our progress as a couple. My husband has PA. He confessed this to me before we had been together for 2 years. We've now been together 2 and a half years and are married with a 1 month old baby boy. Yep, sounds like we jumped in feet first, but there's been ALOT of stumbles and forgiveness along the way. This last stumble has about burnt the fogiveness out of me--I won't go into detail, there's already a post about that... The current situation, though, is that my husband is staying at his mom's. He's been there about a week, but he's coming home tonight to find out that...Well, he's gonna be there for a 2nd week. I'm not ready to live with him again (yet). He sent me a message today that he joined a support phone conference last night and that he plans to go to meetings also. He says he wants to fix himself to re-earn my trust. I hope he'll stick to his words, but I'm sceptical. Lies will make anyone skeptical. I really hope he puts in the work to overcome this. I'm certainly willing to let him try and help him at home by suggesting some healthy changes for both of us (exercising, cooking, taking day breaks as a couple from devices, etc.) I'm just not sure how to receive him when he does come home. Still working on that...

 

I'm sorry about your predicament. I wish I had some good advice to give you, but I could use some myself. All I can hope is that our guys will have an epiphany. Either that, or we might. Let's pray/wish for the former.

 

After spending his weekend taking care of our 1 month old and completing a long list of chores I left him if he got "bored", my husband responded to the news that I wanted him to stay at his mom's for a 2nd week with "I was hoping to stay here". We then had a long emotional discussion about how I couldn't just go back to normal with him yet and how it had only been 1 week and I was worried he'd get too comfortable if he came back and he'd quit trying to reboot. He brought up how his mom told him that my therapist said I shouldn't invite him back too soon and I added that I was also told that by someone here on nofap. Defeated, he said, "I'll get out of your hair for awhile, then". I asked what that meant and he said, "I'll go pack my stuff". As soon as he walked away I was filled with regret, and so, I went after him. I grabbed him and hugged him and cried, then he cried too. I told him to stay and I'd ask his mom to keep the baby so we could talk and figure it out. My husband said, "No." He said that he really needed to fix this because he loves me. I told him that I wish he'd love himself. He said, "That's kinda hard to do right now". So, he's going back to his mom's until Friday night. Part of me is proud of him for choosing to be uncomfortable. Another part of me worries about this causing relapses. Luckily, his mom is onboard with the whole nofap notion, and hopefully, she'll keep him busy if he's not. In the mean time, I'm still coming up with some ideas to help us as a couple. And how do you strengthen yourself to handle the relapses that happen during a reboot? It's like having a moment of weakness and eating a pint of ice cream during a diet...only...that doesnt hurt anyone but you. Well, unless the pint of ice cream belonged to your SO (who was looking forward to eating it) and you ate it anyway. I've stollen food from my husband many a time. Maybe I should try to think of relapses like that. I stole his bag of Combos. He stole my chance for some intimacy. Touché. Yeah, no, it don't work like that. It still hurts, but I gotta try not to take it personal....so long as he keeps trying.

 

My husband is at his 2nd SA meeting as I type this. I told him last Friday that I expected him to go to at least 2 meetings a week. The consequence for not going is having to go to extra meetings, and then if he misses THOSE meetings....the consequence is separation (i.e. he stays with his mom or anywhere but here). He accepted, and so, he is at a meeting tonight and he's got a 2nd one picked for tomorrow. I can sense a bit of resentment from him about having to go. But he told me he wants to do this for him. I'm not that naive. I still suspect that he's mostly doing this until it "blows over" and that I'm so wrapped up with other things I let it slide. I hope I'm wrong. He's reading a book for the meeting that he went to and he was telling me about it tonight. He said there's a passage in the book that talks about how people with SA often blame their partners for their addiction. He added that the book mentions that it's not the partner's fault. I asked him if he ever felt in the smallest way that his SA was my fault, and he said, "yeah, I did until I started all this" (i.e. the 1 meeting and the conference calls). In part, I respect his honesty, but a bigger part of me feels like it's bullshit. First off, he had SA before meeting me, so how is it my fault? Second, it almost felt like he was taking a jab at me because deep down he doesnt want to go. Or, am I reading this all wrong and just being overtly pessimistic? I don't know. When talking to him about his progress, he feels that he is making good strides. He says he hasn't looked at porn in about 15 days, I guess. He said he's had a few sexual dreams though and that he felt it was his brains way of lamenting its lack of dopamine and he just went to the bathroom and read the book from his meeting. I didn't know how to respond to all that, but again I suspect bullshit. Somewhere I read/heard that an "addict" is like 2 people in one. I wonder if the "addict" is the one feeding me this bullshit---because secretly he wants to tell me to F off and leave him with his porn---but my husband actually wants to try to stop so he puts a filter on the "addict". If this whole "2 people" thing is true....at what point does the actual person start overpowering the addict? I know it takes time for real progress to happen and I just hope we both hang in there to see it.

 

Yesterday was rough...for him. He was sent home from work because of an argument with his foreman, who's a big bully, and the argument upset him so much he told his boss he was putting in his "2 weeks". Luckily, his boss likes him and calmed him down. After letting my husband vent about the ordeal, I told him not to go threatening quitting his job when he's got a wife and a baby. Anyway, since the moment he called and told me about it...part of me wondered if his high level of distress over the incident had anything to do with him trying to wean off the porn. In fact, the thought worried me a lot. I later asked my husband if this whole situation with his foreman made him want to go look at porn. My husband replied "No, it made me want to take a pipe wrench to someone's head". And he promised no urge for porn in this situation. I'm still worried about the stress causing a relapse though. He told me just before bed that he's worried about going back to work now. I'm thankful for the communication. I'm also thankful that he went to another meeting last night. He plans on going to the Tuesday and Wednesday meetings every week. He also was given info about a accountaibilty partner and he plans to follow up with that at the next meeting. All this makes me hopeful.

 

So, this entry will be about me. I keep having a lot of pessimistic thoughts about my relationship and I need to get them out. I'm filled with doubts about its longevity. These passed 2 weeks that he's been home, I've caught myself being short with him. My level of sass towards him has increased. His responses to me are different too. He seems to get annoyed with me. Whereas, before, we've never really faught and we keep things pretty light. We're both pretty calm people who don't like conflict. Well, for my part, I think I'm just fed up with being lied to so I'm suspicious of everything he says and does, so my reactions to him are different. I worry about it getting worse and I worry that we'll start having these petty fights. Is this just because of the betrayal or is it par for the course In a relationship? Come August, we'll have been together 3 years, so maybe some of it is normal post-honeymoon-stage relationship stuff. It also doesn't help that my husband's PA isn't the only stress factor in my life. I'm a middle school art teacher on maternity leave that has to go back in 2 weeks to a classroom where the student's have trashed the art supplies left for them and over 30 of them are failing art for not doing the work I left. So, I'll be doing damage control at home AND work soon. Worst of all, I don't have child care figured out yet. I refuse to put my 2 month old in daycare or leave him with a stranger (probably couldn't afford it anyway). My mom was going to come stay with us and take care of him when I go back, but that fell through. Her health is pretty poor and since the baby has been born...we've found out just how poor it is. She's really disappointed in herself for it and I feel pretty helpless. My mother-in-law--whose clinginess to my child irritates the hell out of me--Is willing to watch him, but on her terms. We live about 40 minutes from each other and she's unwilling to drive to my house everyday by 7am and I'm unwilling to drive to hers. The option of leaving my baby to spend 5 nights with her a week is not an option I want...the woman's clingy enough. I've been so desperate to have my baby taken care of how I want that I considered telling my husband to quit his job and be a stay at home dad. But I have since decided that that was a bad idea. I don't know what to do. But I sure find myself regretting my life decisions these days. Between a husband with PA, a father-in-law who calls asking for money and an overly clingy mother-in-law who thinks I'm overreacting to the whole porn thing...
I been thinking: "What did I marry into?"

 

I told my husband a few weeks ago that I would "check-in" with him every other Sunday about his addiction. I had told him that I didnt want to bring it up at every turn and that I didnt want our relationship to be centered around it. So, today was a check-in. My husband, on his own, already brings up points about his addiction from time to time and I feel this is a good thing. Today, while we were watching Hoarders (which is not something we watch BTW it just happened), my husband says: "I hate to say it but this show reminds me of my addiction." Most of the people on Hoarders seem to have become a hoarder after the death of someone they loved, so I asked him if it was because of that. He said he hasn't really lost anyone but his exgirlfriend (who may have been the epicenter of his PA). Mentions of his ex always give me pause so I didn't ask him to elaborate on his comment but I'm guessing that the compulsions with PA and hoarding may be similar. IDK. Anyway, I later asked him how he was handling his PA. He said he hasn't masterbated or looked at any porn...other than images that had popped up on Facebook. He also said that his hardest time with it so far was an ad on Facebook that tempted him with hentai. But he blocked the ad. He said it hurts him that I worry about him looking at porn when he's upstairs alone with his computer. It hurts him that he's lost my trust and he's trying his best to earn it back day by day. I have noticed changes in his daily routines. For one, he's around me more and goes upstairs less. I told him I'm proud of his efforts because I've heard how hard this addiction is to beat. I am proud and thankful because I've read on this site how a lot of other's SO's aren't so proactive. I'm proud but I'm also suspicious of what he says. How do I really know that he's not looking at P or P-subs? He went into detail telling me the things he does to deflect the urges and distract himself. Part of me believes him whole-heartedly. The other part thinks he might just be a really good liar. Still, he's going to 2 meetings a week and I just hope it continues to strengthen his resolve. However, he did (basically) ask me if he could put his nude female figurines back in his display case---which are in a box in the garage that was supposed to be thrown out. I, of course, said no, but the fact that he mentioned it makes me worry that he's getting a little lackadaisical about recovery. Oh, what a rollercoaster we're on.

 

My therapist told me that people who have addictions usually have more than one--there's usually two. If I was to venture a guess "gaming" would be my husband's other addiction. That has never been more apparent than it is now. My husband's been out of work for about two weeks because he lied and told his job that he may have been exposed to COVID19. I have 3 family members who have it and he told his boss that he had been over to see them recently. Not true, but my husband says he's worried about bringing the virus home to me and the baby. So, he's been home with me while I'm doing the whole "online teaching" thing. It's helpful having him here to take care of the baby while I'm working, but he constantly has a device in his hand. It's either his phone or his nintendo--sometimes both. He uses it while feeding the baby or entertaining the baby. When the baby is sleeping, he's playing on his computer. And despite what he tells me about his fears of catching the virus on the job site, mostly I think he just wanted to be home to play his games. I also think the increase in his game play is a way of distracting him from the urge to look at porn, but he's still just escaping reality. Me and the baby and work (when he's there) are his reality. I told him I feel like he's trying to escape us. He told me he feels like, with me, he can't do anything right. He had been going to 2 meetings a week, but those were canceled because of the virus. He's been doing teleconferences, still--for one meeting, at least.....I have to remind him to do a 2nd one as part of our agreement. I'm weary. I can feel how our relationship is shifting. Being intimate with each other is starting to feel like a chore. Maybe it's because he's been home all the time, recently, so I'm kinda sick of him. And, maybe I resent him for using my family as an excuse to get out of work, but more and more I just don't know if our relationship can withstand all of this. I don't know if I can. I'm so disappointed, but I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. I knew all these things about him before deciding to marry him. I guess it's true what they say....."marriage doesn't fix the problem it exacerbates them". I didn't marry him because I was trying to fix a problem. I married him because we made the decision to buy a house together (for the baby) and I thought...what's the difference (signing papers for a house/signing a marriage license)? Isn't that romantic? I married him, of course, also because I love him. But he's not the only guy I love anymore. My son is a game changer. Before he was born, I would think to myself that I could endure the occasional hurt for the sake of our relationship and my love for (my then) boyfriend. Now, I think....what kind of example does that set for my son? If I let myself be a doormat for a man...will he grow up to think he can walk all over a woman? Will he allow people to walk all over him? Will he have an addiction as well? Ultimately, I believe it's impossible not to screw up a kid in some kind of way, but I have to do everything I can to minimize the damage. Divorce can be quite damaging, as well, and it's such a dirty word. It's a word I hope I don't ever use, but right now I'm sure not feeling optimistic.

 

He has made some real efforts---sticking to our agreement of going to 2 SAA meetings a week and limiting his screen time. But it's started picking up again. I feel him withdrawing more and gaming more and I worry more about what else he's doing. He claims he's been porn free....though he did buy an erotica book recently, but I let that slide. Last night I mentioned to him how him staying up while I sleep (for 2 nights each week) bothers me. I told him it makes me feel alone and I worry about him doing more than gaming. He told me I can check his history anytime. I mentioned "incognito mode" and he got this sort of startled look on his face and acted like he didn't know what that was. I suddenly got the feeling he's lying. And now I'm laying in bed alone wondering if he's been looking at porn in "incognito mode" and lying to me and the people is his SAA groups. This wondering led me to Google how to check for "incognito mode" browsing history. If I look and find something, we're gonna have a big problem. If I look and find nothing, I'll probably still be suspicious. If I don't look, I'll just keep on wondering. Sometimes I wish I could just be oblivious to his behaviors and all-trusting...

 

I'm so tired of talking to him about how I feel and about how I want him to spend more time with me. I've been doing this for 3 years. I've been trying to problem solve him since we've met and I know my need to figure things out and fix everything is MY problem but I'm so tried of things not being fixed. First, I researched that his ADD was the issue. Then, I thought he was hungup on his EX. Finally, he revealed it was PA and game addiction. I know now it could very well be all of those, at times. I'm just so naive and/or stupidly hopeful that things would change enough to make me feel like I'm enough, but I feel the opposite. My life is the toughest it's ever been right now...between teaching face to face and virtual school during a pandemic, having a 9 month old, and a mother in congestive heart failure who recently lost her independence after a month stay in the hospital. And where's my husband? Playing video games. Constantly. Unless he's at work or helping take care of the baby. Occassionally he'll do some chores. But....spending time with me? Real quality time with just me and no devices? Nope. No time for that. He tried playfully poking me or something the other night before we fell asleep and the next morning he commented on how I "ignored his cute advances". I know this is one of those moments when I'm supposed to tell him how I feel and I feel like I'm actually NOT a robot that gets turned on by playful pokes while I'm drownding in stress. And maybe I'm expecting too much to hope that he'll notice how run down I am and that he'll suggest and arrange a weekend away. But I'm tired of talking and repeating myself. I have to do that 7 times a day, 5 days a week at school. He just continues to show me that he's not going to make lasting changes and I'm too tired to complain right now. I just feel like giving up and letting him keep doing what he wants and I'll just be here doing what I have to do until I get the energy to fight for us or fight for something else. It's almost like lonliness but I'm too busy to feel lonely. So, I just acknowledge that I am alone and he's just an accessory that sometimes gets forgotten at home like a phone or wallet only less useful. And that's how I feel about him right now while I'm spending the weekend with my mom and he's doing god-knows-what at home. Inspite of the post hospital delirium I'm dealing with that nearly makes my mom hard to bear....I'd rather be here than home. I've got enough expectations on me and I don't want to deal with his too. I'm dealing with enough.

 

After 2 days of staying with my sick mom, I came home. My husband hugged me and said he missed me. 30 minutes later he went upstairs to raid in World of Warcraft for the night, leaving me alone to take care of the baby. You'd think that if someone truly missed you....they'd spend that time with you instead. Again, I know this is another time when I'm supposed to tell him that but, again, I've been saying it for 3 years. How many times does he have to hear it to get it? Is it a communication issue or just straight up incompatibility? I mean....I never thought that something like "escaping reality" was an area where 2 people could be incompatible and it would matter. But here I am neck deep in reality and still swimming and there he is constantly trying to escape it...

 

Ouch. Not what I was hoping to read as part of me is still holding on to hope. But I keep having this feeling it will end up that way. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

He went to Indiana for 4 days for a class his job paid him to take. He felt distant when he came back. Part of me wanted to think it was the jetlag but a bigger part suspected that he had delved into the dark world of porn and PMO while he was away. He came home at 2:30 AM on Friday and went straight to bed. The next morning was unusual. For one, the baby slept passed 6am. For two, I was not the 1st person to get up. For three, he wakes up and immediately takes a shower in our master bathroom. I woke up then. I heard the shower running and noticed the bathroom light was off....which was weird. We only keep it off when we shower together. So, I laid there listening and I heard sounds coming from the shower that were indicative of masturbation. When the water went off, I then heard him blow-out the candle that we usually light. So, I'm trying to decide what bothers me most about this incident... Is it that, after 4 days without seeing me (more than that without "being" with me) he chose himself? Is it that, he really made sure to set-the-scene and lit a romantic little candle for himself? Or....is it that, he did it without me....without wanting me to know or find out? It's surely the combination of all of that that really bothers me, but I can't handle the fact that he wants to keep things from me. Who knows what else he could keep from me. I haven't told him that I know. I realize the healthier thing would have been for me to confront him outright, but I keep hoping for him to be real and honest. Instead, he'll just tell me that he hasn't experienced a relapse....not in ALL this time. I'm on Weight Watchers.....I relapse most every weekend and don't track points....so I know he's full of shit. I feel like I'm living with a roommate not an intimate partner, not a husband. So, maybe I should start treating him like that.