I can’t do this anymore

I’m on day 320 and I’m worse than I’ve ever been before. I’ve been on and off of streaks for the past year and now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m so stupid. I kept on going a week and relapsing and now I’m worse than I was when it felt like I was finally breaking free of everything. I’m done. I always mess up. I had so much potential but I messed it all up. Pocd, hocd, anxiety to the point where the top of my mouth is always tight, tight muscles. I can’t do this. I keep on saying that’s the last time your going to fall flat on your face and work harder despite of failure, but I only fall harder the next time. I’m in hell. I’m a failure and if I kill myself and go to hell I deserve it. I’m a terrible person. I deserve this. I should just die and end myself. I can’t talk to girls even tho they think I’m attractive, I’m not good at sports even though I work hard and am athletic, I’m outgoing but really feel alone, I’m all by myself. I just made a huge mistake. I was looking for something at my neighborhood pool and I broke one of the chairs. My mom is going to kill me. I’m fucked. I just deserve death at this point. Idk if this is a suicide note or not but just getting this off of my chest helps so much. I’m sorry for being such a disappointment

 

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing ups and downs during reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings won’t last forever. It will get better with time if you’re patient and wait.

In the meantime please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis we often need someone there to put our life into perspective. So please contact someone that can help and don’t hang up on them.

https://www.iasp.info/
The international association for suicide prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world.

http://suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html
If you don’t feel like talking to someone on the phone, they maintain a list of online instant messaging suicide prevention resources.

You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes you feel like you don’t have anymore options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feelings you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you and will be cheering for you to get through this!