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Do I tell my wife?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kaput, Mar 24, 2020.

  1. Kaput

    Kaput New Fapstronaut

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    I've struggled with online porn since I was teenager. I want to be done with it. I have tried so many times unsuccessfully on my own. I need help. I already spoke to my pastor. But I can't use a filter on my home Wi-Fi and rely on him to help me bypass it if it's blocking something that doesn't need blocking. My wife will run into the the issue and be confused why there's a filter. I'd have to tell her.

    But I feel so much shame and disgust at myself for this habit. I can't imagine what she'd think of me...

    Have you told your significant other or is it a private struggle?
     
    Mirach likes this.
  2. Mirach

    Mirach Fapstronaut

    Hello @Kaput, welcome to the forum!

    I am not currently married so I am not aware of the complexities of marriage, however, I do have a girlfriend for over 2 years and I did feel guilt and shame in the thought of telling her.

    A philosophy that I live by, is that it is ALWAYS time to build the foundation for a strong relationship. Never is the foundation needed for a successful relationship complete. The world we live in is continuously changing and we are required to continuously build new foundations in the present moment.

    Taking this philosophy into consideration, you don't want to be building a foundation that has holes in. So I would advise to push past the fear (which all fear is just a misunderstanding of the true nature of the universe) and allow your other half to help you in this journey.

    Best wishes and we're glad to have you on the forum!
     
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    A successful relationship is built on trust and a mutual truthfulness. Right now that is not what you have because you have kept these things hidden.
     
  4. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    I am not an addict myself, but my SO told me. When we started dating, he didn’t watch porn and didn’t have any urges, but early in our relationship the urges returned and he told me about his problem. I love him and knew I wanted to support him so I did the best I could to support him. I’m not going to lie it’s a rough journey for both of us, but my support has helped him and pushed him to stay motivated to quit.

    Getting help in real life can be exceptionally helpful. But if you choose to tell her she may react in a different way. For example, she may feel betrayed, extremely sad, almost as if you cheated on her, but if she truly loves you, she will try to help you with this battle. At first I felt betrayed and extremely sad because I felt as though my SO wanted to look at strangers nude and watch them have sex. It felt like I wasn’t good enough or I didn’t perform well enough for him to be satisfied. Once I dove down and did some research it felt less like he was betraying me and more like he was trapped.

    I put restrictions on my SO’s phone so that he couldn’t access porn as easily. It truly depends on the situation, but often telling your so can be beneficial in my opinion. Especially if you think they have suspicions or will find out themselves. I’m sure they’d rather hear it from you than discover you doing it.

    Personally, I think reaching out irl can be extremely helpful. But I think you must have a huge level of trust with ur SO. Because I don’t know your relationship, it is unclear to me how she would react although she would likely be sad at first. If you need you can also find accountability partners in one of the forums. Good luck quitting! Don’t give up!
     
    stegiss and Deleted Account like this.
  5. I dont understand how this is a breach of trust just because you dont share everything, if she asks you about it and you dont tell i could understand
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It’s a breach of trust because he’s having sex outside the marriage. He’s giving sexual attention and energy in secret and lying about it. Most addicts lie about it. When she asked what did you do today? And he doesn’t say “ I spent 3 hours watching girls go down and sissy porn while rubbing one out” then he’s lied. When she asks why he isn’t interested in sex ( because he’s already jerked off twice that day) and he say “ I’m stressed or tired” he’s lied. When she asks “ why he didn’t clean the house or get the oil changed in the car and he says he didn’t have time ( but spent hours edging and looking at porn) he’s lied.
     
    Dot60, Loyalwife and Kaput like this.
  7. If he were masterbating without porn would you still consider it sex outside the marraige?
    If he were taking a shit in secret would you still think hes breaking your trust ?
    If she ask what you did today and you tell her you dont want to talk about it is it still a lie?
    When she asks why are you interested in sex and you you tell here you got some personal problems that you dont want to get into right now is that still a lie?
    When she asks why he didn’t clean the house or get the oil changed, there no truthful answer that will save you here you have to come clean and tell her whats been going on.

    I wouldnt lie to your wife or anyone really but espically your wife but you dont have to tell them everything and this personally I would try keep this to myself if i could but it really depends on the wife how will she take it and will she look at you the same ever again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2020
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yes, if he’s masturbating he’s not thinking of lunch. He’s giving his sexual attention to something other than his wife. If you did not take vows to “ forsake all others” and you both agree that you can spend time alone masturbating, then that’s fine. Same with open relationships, as long as you both agree. If your wife is fine with you looking at porn and jacking off, then what’s the secret? If she isn’t fine with it, then, yes you are breaching her trust.
     
  9. MJ Warrior 93

    MJ Warrior 93 Fapstronaut

    Look, man, I gotta be honest with you. And sorry if I went a little sore.

    PMO and relationship do NOT go well together. Choosing pornography over someone you love and care about is the worst mistake that you could ever do! It's just as bad as getting caught by your wife making out with another woman. You either tell your wife about it or she'll find out. Either way, you're breaking her trust. A true relationship is built on trust. It's built on supporting and caring about each other. It's built by being confident with themselves. Lies can kill it in seconds.

    Look what happened to mine. I lost my beautiful girlfriend last month over this stupid PMO habit that I hid from her, after I confessed to her about it, and she left me for good. Now, I'm 6 weeks clean without PMO and I'm still working on myself slowly to win her back.

    Don't fall for the same hole that I was in. Just throw away that shitty PMO habit, alright?

    Listen to what Gabe Dawg says about PMO and relationships.

     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
  10. AnthonyAsher

    AnthonyAsher Fapstronaut

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    It is a mental disorder and you need to fight it alone or with someone's help maybe through a counsellor. Telling your wife with your problem goes either way and whatever is it you need to face the consequences, just do your part to win this battle.
     
  11. Kaput

    Kaput New Fapstronaut

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    I agree using porn in a relationship is a problem. I also agree hiding it from her may not be directly lying, but it's certainly dishonest and shouldn't be defended.

    I told my wife tonight and asked her for her support. I think I'll have better luck with her and my pastor than actively participating in this community for now.

    Is there a free filter to use on our router that she can set up and protect with a password?
     
    stegiss and TryingHard2Change like this.
  12. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    You did the right thing. What some people who commented above don't understand is if YOU know that you are hiding your PM'ing habit(addiction) from your wife and YOU know that if she found out, she would be sad/hurt/devastated/feel-betrayed/etc. Then yes, you are lying; yes, you are not being trustworthy with your wife.

    ..

    There are number of resources/tools -- a lot of people like Covenant Eyes.

    In the past, I've installed something on my home WiFi router -- OpenDNS -- looks like they have something now called OpenDNS Family Shield..it's free. It takes a little bit to configure on your home router..but then all devices connected to your Home WiFi (computers, laptops, iPads, etc.) have porn blocked. Of course, your own phone over 4G wouldn't be. And really, if your a tech guy -- most of this stuff is easy to turn off / disable. But, it's still a good idea to find something that by default blocks things...as a deterrent.

    ..

    Most important thing I can recommend: once the corona virus is over with...find a local Celebrate Recovery (CR) group or something similar...local, in-person meetings / build an accountability team / learn about addiction and recovery from addiction. Telling your wife .. bringing light to that dark secret is a first step -- a step you MUST do -- but, there is A LOT of work ahead...to keep yourself in the light.

    Also, not sure how your wife reacted...but, she'll likely need support too. She should not be your accountability partner...Yes, she can support you -- but your long term success will be greatly helped by _not_ relying on her for day-to-day accountability.

    Lastly, I encourage you to journal..daily if possible. Whether it be a journal on NoFap .. or a personal pen and notebook. Writing / thinking / expressing how you are feeling -- is VERY helpful throughout this process.

    This is a long, hard journey .. with many up's and down's .. you CAN make it through -- you CANNOT [successfully] do it alone. Keep coming back to NoFap; find a CR group; read, read, read about addiction and recovery; build a support team around of you .. men you can trust / accountability / etc. Glad you are here.
     
    MJ93, Kaput and Wolfgirl like this.
  13. I dont understand because thats not how i would feel I would understand why she never mentioned her porn habit to me.

    I believe in boundaries there is certain things you just dont talk about, but I would never lie to her, I would would tell her its personal problem that I need to deal with on my own, buts thats me. If she cant give me space we have a bigger problem.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2020
  14. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    I think you may have a slightly different definition of lying than most of the rest of the people on here. To me, lying is not limited to saying something that is untrue. If a man is in a relationship, especially a marriage, and he has an addiction, but doesn't tell his wife, that's a lie. That man is keeping vital information from his wife that she needs to know. I don't think it would be okay for anyone to keep any kind of addiction from their SO, and more importantly from a spouse. If a man had a gambling addiction, drug addiction, eating addiction, alcohol addiction or whatever, to me (and I think to most) it would be just plain wrong and an absolute lie to keep that from his spouse.

    And not to be rude, but if I'm being completely brutally honest here, I'm kind of worried what else you might think is okay within a marriage if you think hiding an addiction is okay.
     
  15. I may do but thats what I feel is right and just because some people disagree here doesnt mean I'm wrong either all it takes is 1 in 8 billion to agree with my view and we can live in harmony and I willing to bet a few people in puble forum who disagree doesnt represent the entire world, there are times when holding information back is lying I understand that, but sometimes it really is not. we cant go more into this if you want to get specific.
    • gambling addiction: your wasing the income of the family
    • drug addiction: your risking death and braindamage
    • alchol addiction: unpredicablity, legal trouble and death,
    • eating addiction: I dont know what your problem here i think you just wanted to add another thing?
    They do not compare to a person who ocainally watches some porn and masterbates. not every addiction is equal and your list not even relevent to bring up, the only ones from your list that I deem nessary to be talked about and funny enough there the ones that put your families lives at risk does porn do that nope so lets focus on the addiction it actually is is and leave out the irrelvent stuff.

    No offence taken, I get you be the type to worry about this but to be fair we wouldnt match, marraige isnt arrange anymore you pick who you wanna be with.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2020
  16. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    It comes down to expectations in the marriage. I know married couples where porn use by the husband or wife is NOT an issue. For them, it's not a big deal.

    The original poster on this thread asked the question "Do I tell my wife?" -- to me that implies the fact, "If I tell my wife..she will be mad/sad/disappointed, BECAUSE she doesn't approve of this behavior."

    ..

    In a marriage -- if you do something over and over and over..that your spouse doesn't approve of AND it affects the marriage relationship (Yes, porn consumption negatively affects the marriage relationship) AND you hide that something from your spouse -- that is wrong / that is dishonest / that is a problem.

    ..

    For you, this might not be a problem -- find a spouse who doesn't care about your porn use.
     
    Real Roboin likes this.
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been married 28 years. To a porn addict. It most definitely adversely affected me, our marriage, and my husband. You are right only in that a person who occasionally watches Porn and masturbated would not have the same effect as an ADDICT who uses porn. In the same way as a person who drinks occasionally would not have the same effect as an alcoholic. On a sliding scale, my husbands porn addiction isn’t/wasn’t as bad as some, ie... he has never lost his job because of it, whereas many porn addicts have. He had never escalated to cam girls whereas many porn addicts do. He has not escalated to escorts and affairs whereas many do. However, he neglected all aspects of his personal life due to porn addiction. He repeatedly rejected my attempts to engage both emotionally and sexually. He has been clean over a year now, the difference in his behaviors are astonishing. Hell, the physical differences are shocking. Porn addiction is far different than occasionally use. It is every bit as damaging mentally as any addiction to a substance. The same brain changes are observed in all addictions.
     
    JustADude, Lilla_My, Joe1023 and 2 others like this.
  18. well thats your opinon and you completly missed the point.
     
  19. Raven King

    Raven King Fapstronaut

    Once you bring something to the light, only then the healing can begin. I told my wife, and it was difficult for me to get to that point. But she has been supportive and understanding. Me being open about my weaknesses made her open about her own issues. This has only made our marriage stronger, and our communication better. I believe a strong marriage is all about honesty, being able to be open and vulnerable, but it requires both parts to engage, of course.
    As long as your wife does not know, it will be easier to continue your addiction and pretend like everything is fine. That is my experience.
     
    MJ93, stegiss, Lilla_My and 4 others like this.
  20. Tell no one but us.
    Escape by yourself.
    But that is a huge sacrifice.
    You can do this.
    Look for healthy substitution habits .
     

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