I am mentally dying and it hurts. I don't know what to do.

Iam so sorry that you feel that way i can relate to everything that you have said. Unfortunately i dont know how to help iam sure you already know all the tips and tricks from nofap. All i can do is if you ever have strong urges or just want to talk about anything we can do that iam here very often so iam not going to miss your messages. If you have any questions or concerns dont hesitate to ask

 

Hey, seems you are going through a lot. And this for quite some time. I would not go that far and say you are cursed ... I think it is enough admitting you are ADDICTED. Not sure but from own experience I know, sometimes we need to eat more shit in order to wake up. I hear you crying, I hear you are desperate, full of self-hatred, self-loathing, blaming, you spoke to pastors, counselors and more. What I don't read is what else you tried. I mean besides talking to. Cause talking alone won't do it. You need to walk. Walk the talk. Hope is fine, but having a plan is better. I am not going to tell you what to do. Just so much ... what you should not do is all that self-bashing. Cause that my dear is very very very veeeeery destructive, discouraging, draining, sucking you dry, leaving you all empty and defeated.
You need the energy for recovering, healing. Now ... watch your thinking. You pray to god he may take your life cause ... you are bad bad bad I guess, that is what you tell him. Why not asking him What he can do for you to live and thirve cause you are good good good?
I mean, ok, you are an addcit, most of us here are, you watch P, you M ... you do stuff you consider to be disgusting, yet you do it. Why? To feel better. That is a coping strategy, survival mechanism.
You are a precious soul, sensitive, you suffer. You better love yourself DESPITE the fact you're acting out compulsively. Then work. Go through withdrawal, there is no talking way around. It's physical, it hurts.
You want to change? 3 things are needed. You need a clear vision of where you wanna go, how you want to feel, then you need to know there is a price to pay (leaving your old addicted me behind), and third (that's where most fail) you have to actually PAY the price.

You had good times in the past, I read. So you are not a hopeless case. Just addicted. What I don't read is what you did in order to quit besides talking? What did you do?

 

Hello there!

I can partially relate to the struggle you are going through.
I am an 23 years old engineering student, have struggles at home with my parents and have a problem with pmo.

As i read your story, i got the feeling that your p(mo) usage is not your only source of problems.
For me it seems that the stress in your other lifesections impact you p(mo) problem.
Doing PMO is a way our brain deals with stress, maybe if you find other strategies to face you stress, it'll become easier to stop PMO.

I am also assuming that you have problems with selfesteem, selfvalue or selfconfidence.
I would highly recomment you to stop blaming yourself for what you've done.
You are not your addiction, it's an biochemical process driven by your reward center.
It's not your fault!!!
Honestly you can be very proud about yourself! I don't ofter read stories of people that are able to do nofap for a whole year. Also going to an uni can be hard. It's one of the highest degrees you can get.

Stop blaming yourself and start being proud

I am telling you that because if you increase your selflove, it will be easier for you to go on.
It is a fundament you can build on.
You would rather help a person you love instead of a person you hate.

I believe you will make it!

 

Hell-o, God here...
Jk

I normally don't reply to posts in which I get that people are religious, because I can't suggest anything sane within the belief boundaries of religion, and people would sooner lash out, or stop talking, than open up their minds, even a tiny little bit. But, I'm mainly going to focus on other things I noticed in your post which need at least some addressing, imo.

First of all, I think it is prudent to understand the fact that societies the world over, mainly because of their big narratives and belief packages among other reasons- again, my personal view- which were established for whatever reason, are pretty ocd about sex. They always talk about how not to entertain such thoughts, they always show that it is in some way evil, it's rendered everywhere as taboo, yet we see sexual innuendos (which are not so subtle) everywhere, in paintings, museums, films, books, heck, even buildings. The result: intense shame on something through which people connect to something different. So, now, people "have to be" both ocd about sex as well as ashamed at even the concept of it. But that's not working, and you can see it for yourself all around you.

The last thing you want to do is blame yourself (or anyone, for that matter). Blame only brings shame and friction.
You've mentioned many phrases like,"fix myself", "my punishment", "a lost cause", "disgusted with myself", "a loser", "retarded","something wrong with me"... You even say that you hate yourself... I haven't quoted all the spots above, because I found them too many... That's a place to start.
Hate yourself for hating yourself, and start loving yourself instead. If you're not your own ally, nobody can help you.
What does it mean to love oneself? How would you show your love to someone else?
Would you degrade or berate them? Would you hit them with shame over and over again?
Or would you be present with them, honestly willing to understand them and saying that it's okay? That things can get better, and that they are the main catalyst in all this, and that they can move forward at their own pace as a matter of course?

I know that feeling.
Feelings come and go. That's how they are. It helps to stay with a feeling without reacting to it.
It may come back, but it will always pass at some point.

It seems that you have linked your sense of well-being and happiness to not pmo'ing. That is, you have associated your inner state with outer circumstance. To a certain point, it can't be helped, because there is neurochemistry at work here which deprives us of being able to feel joy for a short while (and it pays to remember this).

However, it's crucial to also realize that what you're feeling is not about what is, but rather about the way you perceive what is.
Stimuli enter from outside, but what we experience is about how our minds processes that information to create a reality. It may seem we perceive things as they are, but essentially, that's not really true. We hallucinate a lot.
It's easy to understand this when a hallucination is exposed. Like, when someone mistakes another for an acquaintance when in fact they're a stranger. Or, when someone is looking for their glasses, while having them on their head. Their inner experience makes them be certain about these pieces of information (known person, absence of glasses), but it practically says nothing about the real state of things. The more you can practice keeping your awareness from becoming one with urges, thoughts and assumptions, the better you'll be able to see clearly.
Again, no one else can do that for you. You're not broken. You're just acting really well at sabotaging yourself. A lot of people are (me included).
The past has nothing on the present, nor the future. It doesn't exist, but in our minds, like the future. To draw conclusions on something that's not there, but in the form of a film, that can only lead to limitation and vicious cycles (since the base raw data of memory remain the same). If you have to remember something bad, at least try to feel ok with it, and move on; keep the lesson, but don't get stuck to the memory.
There are other aspects that I'd like to suggest things about, but they would touch on the religious domain and I'm not wont to invite any friction, since it doesn't make any sense to me, nor does it interest me. So, I'll just leave the suggestions at that.

Anyway, I hope that helps even a bit.

 

Hey, reading your story it's like almost reading my story... I don't know if I suffer too from OCD, but know that... You are not alone! PMO is one of the most poisonous brain addictions. And like a fella from here told me : you can't have something without paying it... That is what you have to pay to your inner demon from all this years... But you can get thru it. I also hope nofap helps me both mentally and physically, which to me affects me so much that I've been more than 3 months with only 2-4 hours of sleep. God will never give up on his children, so you shouldn't give up too...

 

Thanks for your reply @Helpmeplease1258. You know, I was heavily addicted to findom (amongst other stuff) and "managed" to quit 2017. Usually I would get high, drink, smoke, sniff then go online. I could stop that. Then I thought myself out and was relieved. When out of the blue January 2018, totally sober, I got completely hooked again. Spent around 18'000 in 4 months. Online. I had no idea why and how this could have happened, I just watched myself losing it all again. Until some online money transfer service detected my two accounts of which one was with a false identity and the froze them both. I was shocked, afraid I would get prosecuted and all in my closer friend's circle would finally find out about the true me ...
I think that was a wake up call (again). Ever since I could leave that world and slowly could manage to get out. Today I am well on track. Escorts together with related sites is still a challenge. Today I know, when I feel too safe, I tend to forget ... that's when I got to be careful.

Addiction is a beast. The brain can play tricks. What I am saying with this is, your case is not a hopeless one. Just because you slipped back into it doesn't mean all is over now. You have great tools, ressources you can reactivate. Do that. And then always remember that it can hit you again out of the blue. That's not to scare you. Just for us to stay vigilant. Pay attention or pay the bill. Better pay attention, hehe.

Urges are waves, learn to surf ON them, the fun is not to fall off the board. Watch them, they come and go. What saved me mainly, amongst other stuff, is meditation where I just observe sensations, body, not reacting. That reconnected me to myself, brought me back "home".

You can do it. With the support you find here, with the good experience you've made already. You know it is possible. Get back the faith, be willing to do the work and grow in strength. Then confidence will come and do it's part.

 

It saddens me that someone as young as you has been through all of this but i can see you have had some successes along the way.
it's obvious to me from your story that when you felt you had a real sense of purpose and doing what you loved (going to uni, being with like minded people) that it left little space in your head to go towards those unhealthy thoughts.

I can tell you i have been through the mill and had a 15 year long porn addiction from 15 years old to 30 until i got a wake up call from the law due to stuff i had downloaded, much of the behaviour later on in the using was heavily related to narcotics use. for me it was like being in a prison of my own making, throughout the last 3 years of using. For someone like me, i needed to hit that rock bottom but from there i was able to build and i did counselling, Cocaine Anonymous, read up about porn addiction and joined this forum.

I got involved in practical things that gave me a sense of pride, like construction, model making etc.

Temptation is everywhere these days with porn becoming so normalised in society but people don't often understand the nefarious nature of it.

My advice to you is try to do something you really love that is positive, and if you can't do that right away, focus your goals on achieving that. never underestimate the benefit of a good counsellor, i'm very lucky to have an excellent well experienced one local to me who i stopped seeing for about 3 years but have recently started seeing again. I wonder if you maybe haven't found the 'right' counselor i went through two before i found my one, but importantly i was also seriously ready to change when i found the last one as it was shortly after my arrest and the breakdown of my life.

It's very difficult for us to not put pressure on ourselves because we have this goal in mind and especially early on we fall short of the ideal we set ourselves, i think the most important thing is keeping focused on the goal no matter what. you know succesful people in life don't just wake up one morning and suddenly they are successful, people who get to the top and achieve satisfaction in life have often had to tread a bumpy road and failed their way to success. The key is determination and not losing focus. when we get knocked down we learn from it and re-evaluate.

I wish you good luck and hope you find your true place in the world

 

Dear brother you are still young. Dont feel sad you will be alright.
Now as you have acknowledged your problem you will find a solution. And I think giving nofap a try is good. NoFap doesnt bring mericles but it can help you to become a true self. It can help you with self esteem, Social anxiety and some other problems. But for other problems of your problems you have to take responsiblity yourself. And dont feel disappointed about your self. If you stand up everything will be alright.

 

My dear friend I know how you exactly feeling. It is really so much depressing and I can relate to your condition as I was planning to commit suicide three months ago but one thing that changed my life. I see that one thing in you and it is the deep and passionate desire to come out of this. You know why you feeling so bad because you are so good at heart admit it and your self love will increase.

My dear friend I will just let you know ideas that changed my life and I believe that it will definitely work for you because you are just like me.

First one is to write all your thoughts, all your struggles, all your triggers, all your bad feelings about yourself exactly as going into your mind. Look my friend writing on paper transfers the negative energy from your mind . Then you have to tear those papers and burn them out. Reapeat this process unless your mind is peaceful write with all your rage all your heart all your crying.


Second is quite simple my friend to start meditation on a app like headspace.start with just five minutes and keep the habit for initial 10 days then you will see the magic.

Third is to read just two books from the Anybooks app for Android or buy them both in hard copy. The life changing books are The Magic by Rohnda Byrne and power over Pornography by Brian Brendenburg. These books will completely change your life I guarantee you my friend.

Feel free to ask for any doubts and never feel alone we all are with you in this community. You beautiful life gonna heal just hold on and never ever give up on yourself.

 

Yes, it does seem like the OCD is one of your bigger problems. Try to find a good counsellor to help you with that. Therapy may help.

It may be worthwhile learning how to meditate or practising some kind of mindfulness.

If stress is really bothering you, maybe time to pick up some healthy hobby or physical exercise, if your health permits. Taking a long walk in nature is helpful for some.

 

I'm exactly in the same situation. But I feel like I'm so emotional!
However, it's because of flatline!
I just wanna say things might even get worse during NoFap journey! It's the worst part of healing...
It's really painful but as others say, it will pass.
So yeah..I feel the same. A feeling like things will never get better so why should I live? I wish I sleep and never wake up, at least that's not suicide...

 

I read your story and i am relate to this because i also Have sexual ocd problem, ocd and pmo together are very worst disease i would say one thing i am on 26 day streak but i listen if you do NoFap then your ocd is less then doing NoFap and go to therapist AND tell your ocd, i also search on ocd then people would say CBT (CONGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY ) IS very effective and people will deal more easier on ocd.

 

Came across this the other day. Might be interesting.

https://hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php​

 

Listen to me. I am a middle aged male with a long term history of mental illness.

I've been institutionalized about 7 times or more, plus rehab.

What I want you to do, which is what worked for me,

is to get a complete 90 day reboot done.

If you feel bad, depressed, have symptoms of OCD or suicidal thoughts,

just hang in there.

Keep fighting and pray.

Don't sit there and think about these things.

At night, just go to sleep, without PMO.

All you have to do is make it TODAY without PMO.

Just TODAY.

Over time, you will see a great miracle with your mental health.

The absence of dopamine in the brain restores the brain health.

And if 90 days doesn't get it, go longer. Be willing to go as long as it takes.

Do this MY WAY, not anybody else's way.

 

I have a method for getting rid of findom addiction. Please PM me.