Open Letter to My Wife

My wife and I talk occasionaly about my porn addiction. Yesterday, I sat down and talked to my wife about how even though I haven't looked at porn in months, I am very much struggling abstaining from masturbation.

Yesterday, I hit a new record for numbers of days without an orgasm since I was 11 years old. 12 days. No orgasm, not even with my wife. I feel like I am jumping out of my own skin, my mind is consumed with arousal.

My wife was supportive and I thank her so much for that. During the conversation, she brought up something that she has brought up twice before. She worries that I think of her as a sex object. She distrusts the copious amounts of affection I shower on her, because she thinks I don't actually love her, because I have 'loved' other women on the internet, and now that I have given up porn, she is the only one left, the leftovers. She wants me to want her because we have a special connection. She does not want me to want her because she is simply a warm body, a doll for me oogle, and a penetrable object for me to lust over.

All 3 times she brought this up, I said something to the effect of, "I totally understand why you might feel that way. But, I married you, I chose to have kids with you, I am with you every day. Those are my choices, I chose you, and I choose you every day." To which, she responds, "I know. I know. But I still have that negative feeling and I can't get it out of my head."

Now that she has brought this up on 3 seperate occassions, I feel compelled to more thoroughly explain myself, and I think sharing the email I sent to her with the nofap community, might help other significant others in similar situations understand some of us porn addicts better. I don't think I am the same as all other porn addicts, but I'd guess that many porn addicts feel the same way I do about their significant others.

The Letter
Yesterday, you told me you were worried I only was attracted to you because you were a woman, not because I loved you, and not because you are very special to me.

Well, I do love you. You are very special to me. I am bonded to you. It is a bond I don't have with any other person in my life. It is a bond I have never had with anyone else. There are no other people in this world that I have shared myself with like I have with you. 3 births, 14 years of marriage, years of struggle, moments of great happiness. We have built a life together, a life that is full of life, a life that is full of love and smiles and energy. I have grown so much since I have known you, but I didn't grow on my own, we grew together.

So, when I think about all of the other people on this world. You are alone. You are the only one.

Before we met, I was with other women. Then and until recently, I lusted over porn. But, all of those experiences were empty, like drinking a glass of air.

When I am with you, it is different. There is a connection. Being intimate with you is not just physical, it is not just a physical sexual release. Sometimes, especially in the past, we have had sex and the sex was purely physical. But, more often than not, and especially now, especially during the last the 3 years, when we have sex and when we are intimate, the whole experience is more spiritual and emotional than physical. I feel love and loved before, during, and after. You are the only one with whom this is possible. No one else compares. I don't want that feeling with anyone else.

You are the one. I am sorry I caused you to doubt that.

 

What is your point? I never asked her to get over it or negated her feeling or expected her to magically get better. I only expressed how I feel about the whole thing.

My words aren't an excuse. They don't mean I will stop my recovery.

I just don't understand the relavency of your response. Seems awefully negative... Like someone who thinks all relationships are un-healable. Or someone who has lost their optomisim.

My marriage is stronger than ever and my wife and I are healing. I know, because I live this life and we have never been happier.

 

Yes. Great book. I learned a lot from it. Read it last month. Thanks for the suggestion. Even though we aren't doing Karrezza, the book taught me a lot about myself and my wife, and how to bei outside of sex

 

I am sorry, I know I sound like a grouch. But @MerseyPhoenix and @engelman, in my humble opinion, you all are giving advice first, without listening very well. Both of you gave good advice, that I can only assume was directed towards me. But, I didn't write the post asking for advice. Being that this is the nofap forum, I am ok with people giving unsolicited advice, but if you do, might I suggest asking some questions first versus making assumptions about my mindset.

"I think it's better you show your love to her with acts, not with words."
"why did you use porn? If you used it to avoid pain and stress, then you will seek sex with your wife at those same times and she will know it."

Right. I agree. Did you both give this advice because you thought I could not understand my wife's feelings, or that I was questioning the validity of her feelings, or questioning why she hasn't 'come around yet'? I was not. It is very logical for her to feel the way she does and I fully expect her to deal with the insecurities and pain caused by my actions for the rest of our marriage.

I believe that both actions and communication are important. One without the other causes problems. Being a better husband and better person (which I have been doing for a while now and continue to improve upon), is not good enough. The actions need to be coupled with good communication. I wanted her to hear from me, how much different she is in my eyes, I wanted to help her make sense of her confusion about how in my mind being intimate with her is not the same as PMO. My wife is insecure about whether or not her husband is physically and emotionally attracted to her, she is insecure about whether or not she is attractive enough. I am doing my best every day to be an excellent husband, but I need to tell her how I feel too.

Also, I wrote the post for spouses of porn addicts, in case they were curious how in the holy hell a porn addict could claim to love their wife AND be addicted to porn. Or they are wondering, like my wife, how they are any different than a porn star in the eyes of their husband.

Now... you all might be onto something. Was the wording of my email deflecting in any way? Or was the email worded in a way that would make my wife feel like I was trying to tell her she is wrong for having the feelings she is having? I hope not, but maybe I missed something.