6 years without pmo

No, I don't. Maybe the reason is that sexual life associates in my mind with strong desires, dangerous pleasure , pleasure which has no connection with love, selfish pleasure ... my desires would be unsatisfied because all my connetions to sex reminds me of tens or hundreds of thousands ideally built young women .... I'm not able to mix sex life with love. Maybe it's aftermath of my decades long addiction.
Besides of this I don't think that sex life has major meaning in life. I have many other aims in this and afterlife.

 

As I said before, my attitude to sex life may be a consequence of 33 years of active addiction. It' s over 3 decades so it must have left some effects in my mind and probably body. I agree with you but I' m unable to change my mind. Only God could do that but honestly I even don' t ask Him for it. The reason is maybe my age. Being 50 you start have other aims in life. It's not the time to look for a woman, sex partner , too late to start a family etc. If I was in my teens, twenties, thirties or even in the begin of my fourties I would definitely try to change this situation but now it' s not necessary for me, almost unimportant.

 

I combine reading and praying with the Bible. I must know words, intensions and what awaits from me the Person who gave me the second life and rescued me in the literally sense. I remember praying with the Bible (a Psalm) 7 years ago in the middle of the night while in horrible urges (being alone at home) and thinking just before prayer that there is no way out but to give in.
But with the rest of disappearing faith I started to read the Psalm while praying with the words of David as if these were my own words and situation. The shock for me was that after 3-5 minutes of the prayer my urges disappeared altogether and I chose not to pmo being completely free at that moment with my decision. I fell asleep soon and slept all that night like a baby.

 

It's hard to say which problems prior to pmo caused my pmo and which problems my pmo caused.
I was raised in a destroyed family where my father was an alkoholic. So as a child I was afraid of many things, shy, nervous, ... The negative feelings needed to be reduced by something ... untill I found being 11 the ,,greatest '' medicine - pmo ( in those times there was't internet but some pictures of pretty girls could you find in magazines). I even didn't realise that pmo medicine occured some sort of poison and all my emotional problems deepened. I became very shy and afraid of people. I ceased to go out and lost my friends. Then I did' t absolve my secondary school - the marks were low and instead to better them , my addiction demanded from me more time and energy. I played truand once a week. Then I was unemployed and after got my first job I neglected my duties because of too much time and energy spent on pmo. The age of internet came and the opportunity to go to sleep at 3 or 4 am after long pmo sessions. So I was sleepy during the day and had little or no will to get ready to work so I always was a below average worker. I was afraid of women this resulting from pmo and from my lost childhood. But I met a girl during a pilgrimage and we married. Very soon I realised that sex life with my wife was of little attraction and I came back to pmo but had to hide it from my wife. We often argued - the addiction can't prepare you to marriage, it destroyes each relationship - first with my wife and with my children ( I didn't care for my children but rather used time when my wife went out with them - it was my pmo time, like every late evening till 1, or 2 and sometimes 3 am. My marriage became a chore for me. Only because we are members of church we didn't want to separate or divorce.

When I got rid of pmo over 6 years ago I started to rebuild my life in many aspects although I must admit that the progress is low and demanding but my life becomes gradually better thank to grace which I get during prayer.

 

My method is roughly in accordance with the below statement:

Augustine, in Confessions, Book VI writes,

"The plain truth is that I thought I should be impossibly miserable if I had to forego the embraces of a woman, and I did not think of your mercy as a healing medicine for that weakness because I had never tried it.I thought that continency was a matter of our own strength, and I knew that I had not the strength. For, in my utter foolishness, I did not know the word of your Scripture,that none can be continent, unless you give it."

Since the terms used in the quote above of saint Augustinus are not commonly used nowadays, I prepared their explanation (according to www.dictionary.com ):

continence - self-restraint or abstinence, especially in regard to sexual activity

continent - exercising or characterized by restraint in relation to the desires or passions and especially to sexual desires

So continence and continent can be seen as equivalents for abstaining from pmo or abstaining from sexual sins.