Espi1971 Goals

175 days no PM

Goal 10. Explore moving to another city/state/country.

I applied and was approved for a 1-year lease for an apartment located in the epicenter of a nearby beautiful beach community. I move in May 1, 2020.

The unit is located a block from the beach and accompanying bars, resorts, etc.

The surrounding area is absolutely gorgeous, perfect for riding my mountainbike, running, etc. I am really looking forward to seeing the sunsets, discovering the local restaurants and bars, being able to walk to the grocery store, joining a new gym, and getting tons of outdoor exercise along the beach, trails, bridges, and sidewalks.

For me, the unit is a bona-fide bachelor's paradise: super-clean, modern, brand new appliances, nice furnishings, beautiful views, free wifi, electricity, and Netflix. And, I'll be paying $200.00 less per month than my current apartment.

Negatives: it is located a lot farther from work (I currently live less than 2 miles from the office; the beach studio is approximately 15 miles from the office). So putting extra miles on my car concerns me (I already have nearly 90K miles on my vehicle, and my check engine light is still on). Fuel will likely add an additional $100.00 expense per month. And, the traffic is awful. So I will have to wake up a lot earlier.

But the pros far outweigh the cons. I feel excited about moving forward on this. Feels like a new chapter in my life, and it feels like I am literally moving in the right direction.

Disclosure, though: from the outset one of my most cherished and thought-out objectives about moving here is engaging with women, despite my being exclusive with my GF for the past 2 weeks.

My having a GF is not stopping me from window-shopping match.com profiles. I told her I'm doing this, and she says she's OK with it, but I don't think she is OK with it.

Secretly, I am very tempted to upgrade my subscription to "Private Mode," and begin messaging women, and the only thing stopping me is Goal #1: Live life with 100% honesty. No lies. No exceptions.

But still: I am very tempted to lie and start engaging with women on match.com.

When I was married I secretly enjoyed the adreneline-rush of cheating on my wife, and I am now starting to see that same pattern emerge with my GF.

Also, I am buying weed today for the first time in 6 months, which is a huge sexual trigger for me, especially for P and M. I am telling myself that I can use it occasionally, and that I am strong enough to resist P and M, now that I have abstained nearly 6 months. I am reminded of that saying: "Pride cometh before the fall."

So this new chapter in my life involves some potentially significant slippery slopes. I realize that I am risking going backwards, being the guy I was 6 months ago: dishonest, selfish, deceitful, reckless, promiscuous, lonely, isolated, unhappy, addicted to PMO, weed, alprazolam, sex, and women.

My mind tells me that I won't go back to living that life, because I am older, wiser, stronger...that I can control it, but to me that kind of sounds like a heroin addict convincing himself that he can do heroin again, without getting addicted.

I know women love the beach, and the gym, so the mere thought of meeting super-attractive women on match.com, and at the gym, and then inviting them for a drink along the beach, then possibly inviting back to my apartment, is absolutely thrilling, and more possible than ever.

So this means I'm eventually going to have to truly commit tonmy GF, or tell her that I no longer want to be exclusive. She has, by her very own admission recently, advised that she is falling in love with me.

I am now convinced that I am replacing my addiction to PMO with chasing women. I've already had sex with 60 different women, yet I have always wanted to have sex with 100 different women, yet I imagine that # will never be enough for me.

 

178 days no PM

Trained this evening for approx 45 mins:

4 sets, as little rest as possible between sets.

Jumpropes x 4
OH DB press ×4
Side lat raises ×4
Upright rows × 4
Pushups x4

Really starting to enjoy the gym. It's a privilege to be healthy, so I am training hard and making the most of it.

 

180 days no PM.

Trained for approximately 45 mins. yesterday:

Jumpropes x 4
Deadlifts x4
DB bent over rows x4
Farmers' Carries x4
Shrugs x4

The gym is a great positive force in my life right now.

Taking today off though.

 

182 days no PM

Trained approx. 45 minutes this afternoon.

4 sets. Wasn't the most intense workout but I was sweating. Solid workout. Just happy to have weights.

Jumpropes × 4
Dips × 4
Flat DP bench press × 4
Skullcrushers x 4

 

Day 1 no P.

Trained 4 times last week, all solid workouts at the beloved House of Pain.

Trained FRI 04/17:

Jumpropes 500 x3
Pushups 100 x3

 

Broke up with the GF yesterday and have sinced M'd and smoked weed.

I'm learning a lot about the woman (women) I truly desire. Just trying to view life as a learning experience at this point.

Work has been a struggle. I have nearly completely stopped trying to make a sale and at least meet my quota. Been nasty-slow and I really don't seem to care that much. I have a job and I am grateful and I will bounce back strong, one way or another.

 

188 days no P

Trained in the gym for approx. 45 mins. yesterday:

Box jumps x3
Overhead DB press x3
Side lat raises x3
Upright rows x3

 

Hey my friend doing OK. Thanks for asking. Struggling in some areas but overall I have my job and my health so no complaints.

 

Trained this afternoon:

3 x 500 jumpropes
3 x 50 Goblet squats

 

Got my 3rd training in this week. Moving forward, I'm gonna devote less time on jumpropes and more time on weights.

2 x 500 jumpropes
1 x 250 jumpropes
2 x flat bench DB press
2 x skullcrushers
2 x all-out fury and anger on the punching bag (lasted only about 30 seconds each time; completely winded me).

 

Trained this afternoon. Got 4xs this week.

3 x 250 reps jumpropes (best time 3:08 minutes)
3 x deadlifts
3x bentover DB lat raises
3x lat pulldowns
3x Farmer's Carries
3 x all-out anger and fury on the punching bag

 

Trained this afternoon.

2 x 250 reps jumpropes
2 x 20 reps neutral-grip pullups
2 x 30 seconds or so all-out fury on the punching bag
2 x 50 reps Goblet squats using a 50-lb. kettlebell.

 

Trained this afternoon:

4 x 250 reps jumpropes
4 x 20 reps overhead dumbbell press
4 x 20 reps unweighted dips
4 x 20 reps side lat raises
4 x 2 minutes on the punching bag

 

Trained this afternoon:

4 x 250 jumpropes (3:07 best time today)
4 x DB flat chest press
4 x 2 minutes punching bag
4 x skullcrushers

 

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life).

Status 6/11/2020: Been taking .5 MG since mid-March. Not proud of it but at least I have resisted upping the dose. I have about a month's supply left, after which I (again) plan to quit this drug for life.

STATUS 2/24/2020: On 2/18/2020 I took my final dose of alprazolam. Remaining vigilant. Dreams have intensified (wet dream on 2/23/20), which is a sign of recovery. Hard for me to say how, but I feel different.

 

Goal 7. Repair vehicle.

Status 6/20/2020: On 5/27/20 I traded in my vehicle, with its check engine light on, for a brand new Jeep Rubicon. GOAL ACCOMPLISHED

STATUS 1/26/2020: My check engine light has periods of showing and not showing. Fuel economy seems OK. Regardless, I feel like my vehicle remains a major source of stress. I feel stressed while driving it around town, especially when the engine light illuminates, and I would never consider driving it for long distances. The vehicle just seems to demand money from me, whether it's repairing, fueling, or just maintaining. I will never buy a BMW again. I'll stick with Toyota or Ford. I have zero desire or tolerance for expensive cars and disrespectful, greedy sales reps and "service technicians." For now I'm grateful that I live within 2 miles of work and that the vehicle runs OK. For now I'll continue riding my mountainbike to work and the gym during the week. It's a helluva lot more dependable than my BMW, and I'll stay in great physical shape riding my bike

 

Goal 22: Start looking at other apartments.

Status 6/11/2030: Signed a lease, effective June 1, 2020. $200.00 less per month in rent and all utilities paid (water, electric, cable, Netflix).

STATUS 1/29/2020: Haven't yet started, but I'll eventually get around to actioning this goal. My lease expires May 25, 2020, and I am very uncertain about renewing it. I suspect that I will soon re-priortize this goal at a higher number on my goals list. Who knows what will happen. Maybe I'll move in together with the woman of my dreams. I'd like that. But maybe I'll end up in a cheaper place. Or maybe I'll stay here, renting one month at a time.