Day 1, Rebooting

Well, however uneventful yesterday was, this morning has proven to be more colorful. After about 4 hours of anxiety-riddled sleep, I have awoken to a full-on assault to my self esteem. I’ve been cycling through every self doubt, every moment of frustration and embarrassment in my personal history. To be fair, I have thoughts like this a lot — it seems the elevated-baseline anxiety of the Covid-19 crisis has played a part in that — but this morning the intensity is magnified. I am trying to set my NoFap expectations low; rather than gaining superpowers, I really just want to be rid of the burden of addictively masturbating. But if I can get the added benefit of greater confrontational tolerance (which, in my 20s, was fairly high), less self doubt and great confidence, that would be wonderful. That said, I’m not playing on this being some kind of a mental health cure-all.

I had a thought last night on the fundamental difference between addictive masturbation and actual sex — masturbation seeks to lose something, whereas healthy sex seeks to gain it. Historically, I have masturbated to shed feelings of discomfort — anxiety, boredom and nagging feelings of lust. I am used to contending with anxiety and boredom. Lust is where things get tricky for me.

 

Day 13! My sleep has been back and forth. I am starting to feel some joy peaking through (some anxiety as well). I’m definitely getting tempted, but not unbearably so. I’ve noticed myself Googling hot actresses I noticed in movie scenes and such. Trying to keep an eye on that so as not to tempt myself. I need to remember that I am committed to this new lifestyle, and so looking at sexy content (unless it is within a dramatic narrative; I absolutely refuse to limit which films I watch) will only frustrate me and complicate the experience. Looking forward to completing two weeks.

 

Day 14, holding strong. I enjoyed some deep, restful sleep last night.

 

Day 15, week three begins. So far, so good.

 

Same to you! Thank you for the encouragement.

 

Day 16 has been interesting. Still going strong.

 

Day 17. Had a very anxious night last night. Just how dramatic this transformation is is really proving how real this process is.

 

Btw, if anyone needs any extra motivation to stay away from porn, I just learned that PornHub has been hosting all sorts of child pornography and illegal rape videos. How the police haven’t broken down doors over this is beyond me. To learn more about this or donate, go to traffickinghub.com.

 

First off, congrats on day 6! That’s amazing. I too haven’t been tremendously assailed by urges, which leads me to believe that this may be a period of what therapist Joe Zychik describes in his book The Most Personal Addiction as the “repression” phase. If you’re not familiar, repression is a temporary stage in quitting masturbation (and probably other things) where the mind subconsciously suppressed the urge. I’ve often had it for the first two weeks or so, and it’s deceptive, because it creates the illusion that quitting fapping is easy. Eventually, the dam breaks and the urges come flooding back in ways, which can be very challenging. I’m on day 18, and bracing myself for it and when that happens. Because I really want to keep my streak forever; the dramatic physical withdrawal effects are clearly demonstrating to me that ceasing masturbation is a very important step for me.

 

Thank you so much the encouragement. I wish you the best of luck as well!

 

I think relapses come when you get tricked into thinking NoFap is an overreaction and you could be having more fun jerking off. That how it is for me. I just keep reminding myself it isn’t true. The anxiety and sleep disruptions are proving to me that something real is happening. I knew my jerking off habits weren’t healthy, so I am assuming that NoFap is.

 

Day 19. This is starting to feel easy, a sensation I am quite weary of. I wouldn’t say that I am totally “flatlining” (my girlfriend and I have been enjoying sex regularly), but I do feel like my sex drive has been repressed. Each night dreams continue to be a strange odyssey into the furthest reaches of my imagination...

 

Day 20. I’ve been sleeping more deeply. Not too much temptation.

 

Hey! A week plus is amazing! Congratulations. My 21st day was nightmare. I’ve been off of work with the pandemic (I hate my job) and have been using the time to work toward the career I actually want. I just learned that my job is aiming to reopen at the beginning of July (I was hoping for September or October haha) and I was devastated. Horrible depression and anxiety flooded in. I wonder how much NoFap withdrawals may have exacerbated that. Anyway, my streak is still going and the day just changed to number 22

 

Day 23. I have been struggling with low self esteem for a while, and my therapist and I have been going in circles on the topic. Last night, my girlfriend and I talked it out and were able to identify the underlying causes. It was a very liberating feeling. To entirely chalk this up to NoFap feels dishonest — after all, this is work I began well before my latest streak — but there is an increased clarity and focus that I am experiencing as part of this lifestyle change that I suspect has contributed.