What Does Insomnia Look Like After Recovery?

Where porn lives, dreams die.

I've been awake since 4am (or at least that was the time I looked at the clock). It's now passed 7am here.

I was awakened by something I ate, hours before. When this used to happen, back in the bad old days, it's obvious what remedy I used to fall back asleep. So what does insomnia look like now after recovery?

Before reaching for my phone I tried to fall back asleep. I shoulda-woulda-coulda meditated, which normally means reaching for my phone to set a timer. So the inevitable happened. I reached for my phone.

Admittedly I did follow tired old habits. I looked up a couple of 'old flames' online. A girl I used to date (who I regret not sleeping with more). Followed by staring at ex's photo on WhatsApp (who I slept with plenty of times). Meanwhile my current girlfriend is sleeping right next to me (who is on her period). Normally this is the start of a downward spiral. Fortunately, that's as far as it went. The rabbit hole was closed and Alice did not wonder in wonderland.

PMO would've been the (ab)normal night cap to my sleepless bout. P and M are out of the picture anyhow. O on the other hand, requires a hand from my girlfriend; who was asleep. So instead I googled...

...Properties. I'm moving in with my girlfriend soon and although she has her own flat, we've been discussing our future. I looked at houses in her area, starting with humble homes priced affordably. But when you don't set a filter, the millionaire home pops up. I clicked on it.

I began to enjoy living digitally in a large blank canvas, imagining it as our home. I snooped around the floor plans and decided to ditch the humble house search. I thought: "I want one of those!" The search continued. I peaked at different properties; double or triple the original price and started dreaming again. "Why can't I have it? Why should I settle for less?" I was definitely awake now. That isolated part of my brain previously colonised by porn for years, was finally vacant. And I had its attention. A dreamer returned this morning. Porn did not entice my brain. Dreaming did. It was as if there was a porn-blocker in my mind this time. Instead of fantasising about a wild night, I fantasised about a wild life.

For years, fap zapped my day dreams and replaced it with wet dreams. If this new productive pattern continues, I will not dread another sleepless night. I pray porn is no longer my prescription.

Where porn dies, dreams revive.

 

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