What use is self improvement when I am still lonely?

I've been doing NoFap for over 3 years now. In that time I have gone on very long streaks, one at over 300 days, one over 100, and a few that were over 60 days. Suffice to say, I'm not a newbie.

In the time I have been doing this, I have experienced many positive benefits, I wont list them all but one big benefit I have noticed is a reduction, if not complete eradication of brain fog and lethargy. I feel a lot more energised most days, and if I dont, its not down to PMO. I have channelled my improved focus and energy into many positive productive things; I exercise daily, I try to eat reasonably healthily. Last year I read 48 books and this year I am on track to read more than that, maybe even 50+. Last year and early this year I started writing short stories, I'm currently writing a full length novel and progress is fantastic, I am really happy with it. In terms of leisure, videogames are less interesting to me now so I am trying to vary my "off time" as much as possible with a wider variety of music, movies, TV shows etc alongside those things. I know that doesnt sound like much of an achievement but its a small one for a creature of habit like myself who never used to like exposing himself to new things, even things that were supposed to be fun. I guess the TLDR of this my life is generally pretty good, there are some complaints but in terms of my personal growth, I'm kinda pleased overall.

But yet I am still, to quote an earlier thread I started months and months back, lonely as shit. I really am. I dont mean to sound so weak and I dont know if its just the post relapse comedown hitting me (I relapsed like half an hour before writing this) but I feel very, for want of a better word, "low" a lot of the time. Not bad specifically, not really depressed in the true sense of the word, but just "low", not at my best, or anywhere near it. I have a borderline antagonist relationship with my family, to the extent I dont really like spending any time with them more than I am obligated to, and I do have a fair few friends but the majority are online friends I physically cant interact with in real life, and the rest are nice people but either have a tendency to just vanish of the face of the earth for days or weeks or even months at a time, or seem generally unwilling to do anything with me. And when I say "do something" I mean play games online or even talk over voice chat. I haven't done anything with a person in real life, like go out and hang out or whatever, in more than a year now. I think the last time was when I went to go see Avengers near when the last movie released, although there is a chance I'm forgetting other instances. To top it all off, I seem to crave emotional or even romantic intimacy but I dont have it, and to be honest never really have. I have never had a relationship or really even come close to one, and of course I have never had sex. I feel like I'm too socially inept at this point to really fix my issues, to such an extent I sometimes wonder if I am mentally ill in some way even though I am pretty damn sure I'm not, other than pretty bad anxiety.

To sum it up, I feel like I cannot really overcome my issues with NoFap alone, and as long as I have these issues I cant really progress, and will remain stuck in this vicious cycle where my other issues and PMO problems feed into each other. Any feedback whatsoever would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks, and lol. I always forget to properly format the things I post here and I dont know why, I always write in a stream of consciousness kinda way that is probably offputting to some.

I am extremely introverted but the weird thing is, I know that in some situations I'm completely the opposite. Obviously you dont know me irl so this statement is something you will just have to take my word on, but at university I was like a completely different person in a lot of ways, I was able to be sociable, able to take charge in an academic and social context, and while I didn't like what I was actually doing at uni, I was still able to be way less awkward and insecure throughout most of it. I cannot for the life of me explain what changed.

I do think in general that a lot of what you said may come as a result of living in your own head too much, and me in mine. We use outlets like videogames or books or TV or whatever as a way to cope with a lack of proper social awareness or ability. The problem with this is it allows us to exist within a fantasy world where the outside world doesnt exist, and as soon as we are reminded that it does, it starts to hurt us, or at least we perceive it to.

I remember reading something about this once, and it said that people who experience social anxiety may have a problem with their fight or flight response due to some underlying issue. This means that where a "normal" person feels at ease in social situations, a person with anxiety feels the same way they might do if they were actually under some sort of threat, in some cases its literally a primal fear response to the mundane.

It is very clear that I need to force myself to do things I dont want to do, and that realistically is the only practical way to solve the issue. No amount of pseudo-introspection will help if I dont do anything with what I learn from it. Having said that, its just so difficult sometimes. I would not wish the way I feel about certain everyday things even on people I utterly despise.

Regardless, thank you for the response.

 

Agreed. Its not that I dont have social skills per se, its that I get extremely anxious when I am put in a position where I have to use them. I feel like I am socially inept but the truth is I am likely not, I am just extremely anxious about things to the point it borders on ridiculous sometimes. I can make myself extremely worried and anxious just by THINKING about doing something, let alone approaching a point where I'm actually doing it.

 

This is a long term goal definitely, but my issue with this is twofold. Firstly, I feel almost completely undesirable a lot of the time, just just in a romantic sense but also as a person in general. Spending so much time alone can have that effect on a persons mind. Secondly, I dont think being in a relationship would really solve the problem, unless I somehow manage to stumble into a fairytale relationship with a dream girl who fixes all my problems for me. This of course, wont happen, and even on the 0.00000000001% chance that it did, I would just become even worse if and when the relationship ended. I'm lonely and depressed a lot of the time but I'm not delusional, I know that I cant lean on another person to help me, I have to do it myself. Thats why its so hard.

 

I understand what you are saying, I just dont understand how this actually helps. I'm not trying to be obtuse, I'm really not, but how does focusing my attention away from fixing my own problems actually help me? Thats the part I dont get, how does doing that do anything other than distract from the issues at hand?

I'm pretty passive in a lot of areas, very driven in others, I think I am like this because I genuinely dont know how to do certain things that may lead to the things I want, and in general I dont really enjoy doing much, so I stick to the things I do like.

I'll admit I dont get what you mean by this, or at least I dont think I do. Are you talking about me loving myself? As for your last question, I guess both?

 

Its funny you mention that, I also considered solo travel but wasnt really anywhere close to figuring out what I would actually do, it was just a pipe dream. I can also relate to feeling difficulty in integrating into society; even though its only 2 and a half years for me, not 10, I feel like ever since I left uni my already bad situation has gotten worse and worse and worse. Its hard not to feel like any time I feel fulfilment or happiness is just me distracting myself or fooling myself. May I ask what you have been doing for ten years to make you feel like this?

 

I agree with this sentiment, but at the same time, I'm not exaggerating when I say I genuinely dont like doing maybe 95% of things I try to do. I think maybe the way I worded my original post has given the impression that I have never tried to do the things suggested, not just by you but by others, and I want to clarify that I have, and it just didnt work out for whatever reason. Its been in the last 2 or so years that I've fallen into this slump.

I think what OhWhenThe said aligns quite well with my own sentiments, especially the bit regarding travelling. I feel like that would have been a good way to get out of my comfort zone and it was something I was thinking about before all this pandemic shit started. Not using that as an excuse, chances are I wouldn't be doing anything this year anyway, but sometime beyond that I definitely wanted to, I just needed to push myself.

 

I think I get what you are trying to say, but I definitely do have problems that need to be addressed, its not "bullshit" at all. I know I have bad anxiety issues, I have always had them, I have literally had panic attacks before. I wouldn't say wanting to address this is a distraction.

Beyond that, I agree with the second part of what you said, I definitely use a lot of things as coping mechanisms.

I'll just be blunt and say I have absolutely no idea how to do any of that.

 

Thank you for your honesty, and holy hot damn, this sounds almost word for word like something I would write, with the exception of the working with family part.

I do a lot of productive things on a daily basis (my schedule has been interrupted by the pandemic but I'm mainly talking about from before this started) and I often feel like a lot of them are pointless. Even things I do for fun are starting to feel like a waste of time. The things I get the most consistent enjoyment out of are reading and writing and maybe watching a really good movie or something. I know for a fact PMO addiction worsens these feelings of apathy but they dont cause them. If they did cause them then my extremely long streaks would have completely changed me and of course, they didnt.

What you say about not feeling like you are part of this planet almost sounds like disassociation. Normally I would be very hesitant to use such a psychology focused word like that but I'm using it because I honestly feel the same way a lot of the time, like I'm not really here. Like I'm just going through the motions of doing things and not actually doing them. Its hard to put into words to be honest.

I had the same concern about solo travelling, but to be fair the places I would want to go are full of things I would be able to do alone anyway. For me the main appeal of it is the confidence boost of KNOWING I did it.

 

Yep, this sums up how I feel as well. Its not like I'm not trying, I feel like I'm trying pretty hard, and its just not enough a lot of the time. Its extremely difficult not to become apathetic and resigned to failure when nothing you seem to do work, or at least never works long term.

This. Exactly this. I have no idea how to get close to people either except within the context of being in a situation where we are put together. This is why so many of my relationships with people dont last, because I'm not truly friends with many people, I only associate with them and them with me due to whatever situation we share. As soon as I have to make friends completely by myself I find myself totally unable to do this, I genuinely do not know how. Same with romantic relationships, the idea of even being in one feels more alien and surreal to me than me suddenly waking up on the moon or discovering I'm the reincarnation of the Buddha or something. Its difficult to try and make progress, any progress, when this is the mindset I have. "Well change the mindset then" you might say. Well once again, I dont know how. Its very demoralising.