Male, 28, social anxiety, ocd, pied, trans-porn, relationship

hello! im new here, and ive been here just observing comments for some months now but I finally want to share my story right now… sorry because im a bit in ocd and perfectionsim and have problems to limit my writing but i have shortened it - though its quite too long... I think this perfectionism is a huge problem regarding my erectile dysfunction anyway – but read what you want/can – I also tried to give it a structure… and english is not my native language but ill try my best…

psychological background

I think all started with the events which led to my parents being divorced and getting their arguments and fighting to watch when I was about 12 – where I should have built up manhood and entering the girls-world and should have been building up a strong male-friends-group. So through carrying the anxiety from stress at home I couldn’t develop a strong self-esteem and though I had some friends at school, I never felt connected and not being taken seriously...

the problem is I think I have a huge inferiority complex from all that: comparing myself to other men (but interestingly even women – especially when I find them attractive); thinking im too unskilled and uneducated which led to me building up a huge investment of time to structure my life, my apartment (similiar to the movie "fight club") - so everything can be perfectly efficient and that im "the best" in all the most important skills in life – as you can see also highly narcissistic (although through buddhism im doing better now and its not to be better than others but just to make the best out of myself as I always thought it wasn’t enough)...

when most of the time I wanted to approach girls – or they did me actually – I had those complexes in my backhead and thinking I wasn’t worth to be with that girl…. because of this stuff in recent years I got huge depressing thoughts of like: I haven’t lived my live, I haven’t had enough sex-encounters, where I also feel horrible when I compare myself to same age or younger people who since puberty have had an active sex- or relationship- life (which is fine but i wish i would have had it myself)... i also went and go to this day (not that much frequently nowadays) to a therapist and did also take medication – but not now anymore (mostly because of buddhist teaching on the internet)…

I had three girlfriends until now (first with 20, second and first sex with penetration with 21, third and current last year - no penetration possible because of PIED – now im 28 years old)

porn- and masturbation- history

Spoiler: * Possibly triggering text !*

I think my first pornography-encounters have started when I found a magazine in my parents bedroom – this was before puberty I think. Then it was naked-woman-softporn-pictures on the internet and soft-porn airing on TV. My first ejaculation was while masturbating on a bed without pornography – and I remember it was more in a passive way. Then at sth like I think 15 or so, I got on the whole tube thing and started masturbating more regularly (all to straight-porn, but not that soft anymore – which led to lesbian-porn).

I think 17 or 18 years old I discovered the transwoman category and couldn’t resist clicking on a solo performing transwoman video – and bam this got me simultaneously ashamed but extremely horny and I masturbated to it – twice. I also remember that I liked the transwoman porn because at that age I was aware that If you basically jerk off to porn its a sign that you cant get a girlfriend and it got me embarrassed to watch straight porn (because of that) so this was some justification... now thinking back and what I heard on this site about transwoman fetish this was a bad idea… and basically this has been going on till my first succesfull current streak (very rarely straight or lesbian porn – like 90% transwoman-porn – which like in average I would estimate two times a week - sometimes every day in a row, sometimes 10 days nothing and so on, for about ten years now or so - until I saw a video of Gary Wilson and Mark Queppet on YouTube which got me motivated to start anti-pmo...

Unfortunately the masturbation continued through slips (seldom and always without pornography) and often I do it in front of the mirror and this has even got to the point (but just as i started with nofap) of anal masturbation very recently where I somtimes have transwoman-fantasies... I now bought a flashlight-vagina-toy where I want to get rid of this kind of masturbation and try to penetrate the vagina-toy once a while to get used to the feeling of a vagina (advice of Noah B. Church)

Sexual-orientation-questioning

Spoiler: * Possibly triggering text !*

sex with men I know I’m in no way interested in – although there is some horniness when I think about having generally passive sex and posing, but I just tried to watch gay-porn out of "scientific curiosity" but seriously felt nothing - only disgust (no offence) - this was before and after after I discovered transwoman porn... I have seen those famous sissy-hypnosis-videos once and have it a bit myself this attraction but for me it was too gay and sexist... im really open where i could live with that transwoman attraction (also in real sex-life - and i had a few experience in real life too) but if it is no porn induced thing and not if it dangers my masculinity or attractiveness to women) as I want to be an alpha and in future have children and a wife in a conservative way….

I know im straight, always been but I have to be honest that transwoman porn for a long time was way more attractive than straight porn or real sex… until I started that current streak (and after starting pornography) my arousals were (in order 1-4 of arousal): 1. sex with a transwoman passive, 2. sex with a transwoman active, 3. sex with a woman passive, 4. sex with a woman active... as I go on with the streaks I feel that both the active categories get above the passive categories and the women-categories are getting stronger too…

relationships

I am now in a relationship with an extremely nice girl, which is my third girlfriend. both before said after they broke up wih me i wasn`t male enough and were not supportive to my anxieties... my current girlfriend has anxieties on her own, and is very understanding of mine and knows all about Gary Wilson, NoFap, even my trans-attraction and all that stuff and is aware im doing or trying to do various streaks – although the problem is that even with her I have (PI)ED…

The problem is she said that my ed (and she nows why and is understanding etc) got her insecure and often leading to her not being in the mood to have sex with me anymore which is my making me even more to worry – its fucking multiplying, although i can cope with it somehow because of nofap and buddhism...

Erectile Dysfunction

Spoiler: * Possibly triggering text ! *

The thing is: I cuddle with my girlfriend, i get a good erection.... oral and mutual masturbation: well at the beginning not – as soon as it starts my penis goes soft – i think rather because of that social anxieties – but then It got better and I could even remain an erection for some good time… but I still never couldn’t orgasm with just her pleasing me – if I did orgasm (which made her also insecure that I couldn’t do and I also after it went better forced myself to do it successfully, it was basically just possible to do it with my own hands masturbating…

If its bad with ED as soon as we decide to try penetration on her or when I try to put on the condom – as soon as my penis is in front of her vagina - my penis gets soft…. Its terrible and frustrating (once after that encounter i went to porn-masturbation out of frustration)… i do feel some kind of horniness but erection is often not possible or just for a short time... once we tried sex with her wearing a slip because i had no condoms and my erection was quite good... often we just do oral and masturbation on each other because penetration is not possible... with the vagina something still does not arouse me… there needs to be ass- or feet- fetish involved – then my erection is hard and stands – but unfortunately just for my hand to masturbate...

because of all that, and some of her problems, sex-life is not frequent and a gotbit of a problem for our relationship...

nofap and current streak

current first streak: NO PMO - though slipped with MO but without P (after 27 days of complete absence and sleeping-ejaculation - so: no watching P, no M and O to it - and also every S-activity allowed... NOW AT DAY 52

Current second streak: NO: everything PMO except penetration S (although its hard to have S without foreplay so I maybe allow everything with S): now at DAY 3

don`t know maybe i should quit S and O completely for 90 days?

Conclusion and prospect

Thanks for reading… sorry for the long text... Im very motivated to get this fixed – I want to be an alpha male – not in an evil or emotion-suppressing way – more in a buddhist, loving but masculine and prepared way… im doing bodybuilding, running and kung-fu regularly now… I also want to build up a men support group with spiritual teaching, sports-fighting, dating, psychology, spiritual theory and so on and I often feel the impulse to be part of an alpha-male-group and to go fighting – though i don’t know what that is (maybe just a fantasy as through years i was quite isolated alone and fantasizing)... I want to connect in real life with men having the same problem and getting together and fighting this together and sharpen our masculinity and to get NO FEAR to approach girls and to have sex with (out of love) them AND TO NOT CARE what anyone thinks...

I am ambitious to post an own thread (I will try less text) to each of the themes I wrote about there on their own…

Thank you and keep it up!

 

thanks for the fight club-qute - i never really understood what that ment but as i read it it really struck me emotionaly and also to let me to watch the movie again (which i did dozens of times before and which is one of my favourite and most inspiring movies and which in a long way of events id say led me to find this website)... yeah my pefection was somehow like my whole life (whatever category) but it strucked me that somehow exactly this perfection and the stress and frustration of it was the reason of not having the power to approach girls or to get a girfriend and also led me to watch porn and masturbate - like my brain said "if you cant give me pleasure and just give energy to pefection im gonna force you to do porn and shock and masturbation..... and the fucked up thing with me was: i always said to me: only when you finish this perfection - then then you can do this or that (which - of course - never happened, or if it did like going to a club or so - only with an uncomfortable feeling because i havent finsished perfection at home)....

and thanks for the links, i will try to read all (or rather should instead of other things...) - i have input through videos of Gary Wilson, Mark Queppet, Noah B. Church on YouTube which were very helpful, but i think i should go more into reading and more deeply...

yeah thats true i experienced it - with porn i already did that and although very seldom i get urges to watch (a few times did just pictures unfortunately) its not hard also because of all the negative things i learned, but masturbation is quite hard to me (some hours before was close to relapse but i told myself its not worth it)...

 

thank you, yeah it feels very good to have people along me and its more of a motivation to abstain.... i have put all the links in browser-bookmarks and will try to read them... and yeah i was very rarely part of a forum and need a bit of accustoming....