Relapsed after home isolation - here we go again

Hello to all, I decided to finally join nofap for a sense of accountability.

This is my story, if you're interested. (Its not short)

You see, I've been trying to achieve self control in this area of my life since puberty, never fully succeeding but fighting fiercely - I once destroyed all my devices in order to escape the temptation of P, but it didn't help with M, and after a few months I had to get a new device and shortly relapsed.

Being a christian I have an advantage (I know freedom from vices can be achieved through hardcore discipline as well), having counselors and books to guide me, but I discovered that it's ultimately a very personal struggle, that no one can decide in your stead how to feel or act...

Anyway, at one point I was so fed up with my failings, that I took 2 days to fast and pray exclusively about my problem, and believe it or not, from that day forth, the urge to watch P just didn't have any power over me anymore. Those few first days were euphoric for me, just pure freedom...

However, M impulses still plague me from time to time, not as strongly as in the past, but they are still there. (If you ask "Why didn't God just take this away as well?" I believe that this is a temptation He knows I can overcome by willpower, and it might make for good mental and spiritual training : )

Two months ago, lock-down ensued in my city, and I decided I wouldn't waste my time while locked in; I managed to "fix my shit" during lock-down, to establish a routine, to read, to work out and most importantly, to abstain from PMO (of course its really the M part that gives me trouble).

Come present day, when the lock-down ended in my city, and with the freedom (and necessity) to move around came tiredness, and with tiredness came disruptions to my routine, and so came edging, and finally, I relapsed M-ing. 5 times in 3 weeks. This is bad.

So here I am, joining nofap for it's quality of bringing perspective in such a situation and for a little accountability.
See you around.

 

Thank you all, it's good to know I'm not alone on this journey : )

 

Thanks man, you too

 

Exactly, I mean, my conscience is making me feel guilty about it, being at the hands of a whimsical and dopamine hungry brain, with no self control... It's pretty sad.

And yes, I discovered that working out, cold showers, a well defined purpose and (quite importantly I think), the knowledge that the urge is only temporary, are very useful tools.