Relationships

I don’t know why I know even here. I’m not dealing with addiction... my boyfriend is. And, it kills me inside. I feel so alone, undesired, unloved. I try so hard to make him happy on any way that I can, but I don’t feel like I’m enough to him. I’m so sad. I love him so much, but I can’t deal with it anymore. I feel like it’s my yo fault. I don’t excite him anymore, or arouse him. I do my make up, hop into some sexy lingerie and he hardly notices. He can’t even get erections for me anymore. Only for the porn and the models he looks at. I feel so broken and lost. Maybe I shouldn’t even be here.

 

GentleElephant Thank you, your words are kind and very much appreciated. I guess I feel like it’s my fault because if I was enough for him, he wouldn’t need it. He says he isn’t addicted, and he might not fully be, but he’s definitely on the verge of it. I wish I could understand it better so that when I talk to him about I could be more compassionate to him. Thank you so much for making me feel welcome. I didn’t know who to talk to who gets it, and I’ve been hoping for some insight from other men. Thank you again!

 

Psalm27:1my light : He won’t. I have asked him to, and he says he’ll stop doing it in front of me. We’re in a long distance relationship, and he says that it’s not fair of me to ask him to stop when I’m not with him because I won’t know about it. Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me some insight. He just says that it’s not fair to think he’ll get an erection over me even whenever I try to dress sexy for him and do my make up, because he thinks it’s normal after 3 years together. But, he stills gets hard right away when he looks at latex models and porn. My confidence has been shattered. I used to feel beautiful to him, and like I was the only one he wanted. I don’t feel that way anymore since I found out. I agree, bad I told him it has distorted his view of me because he now less aroused and attracted by me. I’m usually the one initiating sex, and when I do I don’t feel like he’s even enjoying being it very much. I’ve been trying to accept him because I love him, but it’s killing me inside. Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m happy to hear of your husband being in recovery. It gives me hope.

 

Roady,
Hi, and thank you for your reply, I didn’t not see this until now as I’m still learning the site as I go. Thank you for your insight, it’s actually very helpful as I find it very difficult to see it from my boyfriends perspective. I want to, but every time I try to I just end up making him angry because I’m not able to understand why he seems to need it. I know it would hurt just as much if mine had confessed it to me, but I don’t think I would have lost all my trust in him the way I have now. I want to believe him, I just find it really hard to do that right now. It’s no comfort to hear that you have gone through much pain and turmoil, and I’m so sorry for what you and your girlfriend have been through. I do take solace in knowing that someone understands my feelings right now and that I’m not just crazy. I felt as if I was just being a jealous girlfriend and that maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. But, it is. Especially with how it has affected our sex life and our relationship. It’s heartbreaking to me.

Your words hit me hard, and I am touched by your kindness. I know that you are right and self care is very important, I just don’t want to face what that means. To take care of myself I need to stop accepting the things I am not okay with. But, I am going to try to do things that make me happy and try to remember how to get back to taking care of myself.

I’ve tried talking to him multiple times, and I feel I get nowhere. He does not think it is a problem, and denies that he may be addicted to using porn. He just gets angry and defensive, and says many hurtful things. We’re at a calm place for now, but I don’t feel it will last. I would support him him 100% in seeking help, but I know him well enough to know that it won’t happen. At least not for a long time. I know I should be more set on my boundaries, but I’m terrified of losing him. I love him so much that I’m willing to suffer in silence. How fucked upset is that? I just pretend I’m okay, and go cry in bathroom, or after he’s gone to bed.

I’m just a shell of who I used to be. I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. Being here and having gotten the support that I have so far has helped me a lot, because o don’t actually have anyone I can talk to about this, I have friends, but none that I feel comfortable talking to about it, and I’m not close with my family at all. It’s why I feel so isolated as you are so right. I do need to talk about things, and how I’m feeling but I don’t have an outlet, well before I found this site anyway. It’s a mine field talking to my boyfriend because I never know what’s going to upset him and what isn’t. Sometimes he’s calm, and other times he gets really upset with me. It’s not really worth the risk anymore. I don’t really trust anyone with my innermost feelings anymore, I’m too ashamed of how I’m feeling inside. It’s not good. I have one friend I might be able to go to, and I think I might’ve start journaling again. Hopefully I can find that perspective and clarity I need, because I’m close to just giving up right now, and that’s not healthy, I know.

Again, my sincerest thank you to you Roady for your reply and you’re understanding of my situation. I’ve dealt with a handful of judgement in my current situation, and it’s a comfort to meet people who listen and support without judgement. Your kindnesses has lifted my spirits, thank you.

 

You posted this about a week ago, so hopefully there's been some open communication since then. You've gotten very good advice from a number of people here. And I agree with Roady that you need to be firm and set boundaries in this situation. He's deflecting the problem, even though it's taking a toll on you and your sex life. Love does not do this, if he won't even attempt to stop for the sake of your wellbeing I would bring into question how much can he truly care about your thoughts and feelings?

At the very least, it sounds like he values porn over your feelings and a good sex life with you that could very well strengthen the connection between the two of you. He needs to be willing to come to a compromise. Relationships are a two way street if he values you, he'll at least try to abstain.

 

@Joergman
Hello! I appreciate your saying that, I feel so much gratitude for the support I have received and continue to receive from the nofap community. And, I am grateful for your support and help on top of that!

Thank you, you’re kindness means a lot to me. We’re in a bit better of a place as of now, but I’m the one now constantly worrying and over analyzing everything. He has stopped for about a week now, and I’m doing my best to support him as I know he’s struggling. Truthfully, I’d love to talk to him about it more, but every time we do he gets angry and defensive. He has a difficult time dealing with hard conversations and confrontation, so I try to be as gentle as I can as hurting him is never my intent. I brought up my triggers to him yesterday and I think he understood, but he’s tired of reassuring me. I’m hoping sometime in the near future we can soybeans down and work through it all, but until then I suppose the best I can do is support him as much as I can, and love on him so hard that’s he doesn’t have a chance to forget what he’s fighting for. I’m not ready to let go yet because I love this man so much, and I can’t even express how happy he makes me in every other aspect of our relationship. It’s just that this has become a problem, and Is affecting our entire relationship. Thanks for your well wishes, and here’s to hoping the next conversations him and I have won’t turn Into a fight. I know he loves and cares for me, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

And, I think you actually have some really great insight, regardless of your relationship status, because you understand the addiction and his struggles. Your message was greatly appreciated and I’m grateful for your kind advice. And, turn that emoji frown upside down, because one day you are an awesome person, and I have no doubt you’ll one day find the one who will fight for you and love you endlessly!

I hope you’re having a lovely day, keep fighting, Joegrman, and stay strong!

 

Hello Starshower,
Thank you for your reply,
I appreciate you sharing your advice with me. And, I would love to say there has been open communication, but not as much as I’d like there to be. It usually ends in a fight, so I have made the decision to not talk to him I’m at this time with my feelings. I know he wants me to come to him with my feelings and concerns, but he then in return gets very upset with me. I understand his upset, as hearing that I am still hurting, that I have not yet moved on and am in a place where I do not love myself can not be easy for him to hear as he feels at fault for these things. But, maybe soon we can get to a place where talking about it isn’t so hard. He’s tired of reassuring me, which I understand, but he also doesn’t realize he triggers me quite frequently with certain behavioural and my emotions from when our months of fighting, tears and anger come flooding back. It’s not his fault, he is genuinely trying to stop. Whilst I am with him anyway. As soon as I’m back home there will be no reason for him to fight the temptation anymore. Long distance is hard that’s way, I guess. I agree, I do need to set boundaries, and be more assertive in what I want from out relationship, I just don’t have the strength right now as I know it would mean losing him. Pathetic, I know. But, I know he’s better than this, and I know he’s a good guy. He just has a problem and is in denial about it. That isn’t to say I don’t stand up for myself, as when I am hurt by his actions I will outright tell him that he hurt me I’m not okay with that. But, it’s become not worth the risk anymore, telling him when things bother me, because I want to avoid fighting at all costs. We’v e been doing it for the whole 6 months we’ve been together on and off, and with only a month left before I can return home due to the pandemic happening, I’d rather spend that time enjoying my time time with him. I don’t know if I’m making any sense. The saddest part is that he knows it hurts me, he knows it affects us both negatively, and he has even told me when we were talking and making up that he isn’t happy with me being miserable because I'm accepting behaviours I’m not okay with, while he continues to turn to porn, but he’s only trying to not do it in front of me. He feels it shouldn’t be an issue when I’m not here. So, he cares, I know that. But, he’s not willing to change it indefinitely. It hurt. I do believe he loves and cares for me, and this is how I am he’s become addicted. Because, with how much he loves me, if he was in control of it, I know he would stop. I truly believe that. It is blatant disregard for my feelings, but I know it isn’t who he is. I just wish he could see that, too.

He just doesn’t see a problem in porn as he says it bearable no reflection on his feelings for me. This is something I don’t believe. Since he has been attempting to stop, I’ve noticed a difference. His erections are harder even within a few days, and sometimes I feel like he might be enjoying himself again in sex. I completely agree, and I know we can get that connection back that we had before. I miss the intimacy him and I shared. Thank you for listening and your advice. We have yet to find a compromise that’s works for both of us. I wish I could say I could be okay with it being him not doing it in front of me anymore, and it’s a great start, but not something I want fun The long run. I’m hoping for healing and more openness from him, and I’ll keep fighting for us as long as I can.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, I hope you’re doing well and having a good day!

 

It is a hard reality, but for someone who has obviously dealt with this, with a partner who has opened up... this is probably the best advice on this thread.

To the OP, it sounds like you are making progress with your boyfriend, he admits to this being a problem? The first step to any addiction problem, is quite simply to admit there is a problem. Only then can you both sit down and work out solutions together.

 

Having read your story, I feel as a married man who has battled through numerous sexual addictions through online interactions, it would be good to offer you some perspective (for good or bad).

First of all, I really admire your commitment to your boyfriend, your love and compassion for him, is obviously pretty special. You are so committed to helping him, he is very lucky to have a person like you in his life.

Porn is an ugly reality. I have read stories of men who become obsessed with women over the internet, sexual fantasies, roleplay, webcam chat etc etc, (the list of internet porn fantasies is truly endless). We are dealing with a new generation of stimulants which just get more and more innovative.

Unfortunately this has mean't that real life encounters, real life relationships have taken a hit. Men who are hooked on porn have trouble understanding real women! Real women are like real men, please don't gross out, but we are human, we have flaws, we have very complex emotions, we have physical and physiological attributes. The women in porn and fantasies have none of these!

Did you know that so many partners who meet via webcam and sex chat, who then go to build a relationship in person, end up breaking up their relationship after 6 months? The reason is because fantasies over the internet, never ever match up in real life. Real life is very complex - and internet porn is pure fantasy. Men (and women) never think through prior to moving different parts of the world, to be with their internet fantasy partner. And then when they meet in real life, they quickly realise it isn't a fantasy anymore. As a real life person, you just can't compete with porn. Porn is fake and we don't see the whole image.

Now I am not saying this is the same for you, I am sure you have your own special qualities to your relationship, I just wanted to give you some new perspective to think about. The fact that you love and care for your BF through your own special way, dressing up for him etc, shows that you value your relationship with him and want to make him happy.

However given your situation, and the fact your BF seems so reliant on what sounds like very heavy porn usage, I think in order to deal with this professionally, you may need to ask him to consider some sort of counselling or therapy. He also needs to admit he has a problem and needs to stop, and if he is getting angry or defensive every-time you try to talk about it, then maybe he isn't ready to give it up. As you will know through the amount of stories and people on this web channel, this porn addiction is very real and it is very difficult to break.

Many men (and women) will try to deny there is any problem, that is simply just porn, the webcam performers or whatever porn they use is not real. However, the real problem with porn addiction is not usually the porn itself. It is how the porn is effecting other parts of their lives. They start to have problems with their family life, their sex life suffers with their partner, they lose their motivation for work or school, they can end up in trouble with the police etc, they lose their jobs, lose their partners.... This is what porn addiction is.

I hope my advice offers some insight to the valuable advice you already have received from the above posters.

 

It's good that he's trying to stop, and I'm happy that the sex has been getting better since he's been abstaining, but like you said if he doesn't see it as a problem it's only a matter of time before he goes back to it, likely when you're back home. It is a bit alarming that he still doesn't see it as a problem even though abstaining has resulted in better erections for him during sex.

But I understand that no one wants to admit their vices, that they may be a slave to something. And with the prevalence of a rather pornified culture it would be hard to see anything wrong with it until you hit rock bottom or get close. I may be wrong but you seem very conflicted and your posts seem to be riddled with guilt, as if you feel you're betraying him for looking for advice and support, and that you may be making a big deal out of this, but I hope you know that's not the case. Right now it's possible that you're still blinded by the good aspects of your relationship while minimalizing the bad, and I understand why especially since you're temporarily living together due to the pandemic, but I do believe you might have to be more firm and make an ultimatum eventually. I sincerely hope things continue to get better and do keep us all updated on how things pan out.

 

@Joergman
And thank you for your response. It is greatly appreciated!

You are absolutely right, there are so many people feeling the same and going through similar struggles and it makes me sad actually because I hate thinking that others are suffering, too.

I think that’s really brave, to realize that and make healthy changes in your life. You should be really proud of yourself, I certainly am. I’m sorry you still struggle and I hope for you that one you will be able to be free from them. You really sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and what’s your saying makes a lot of sense. He has admitted he knows he has a problem, and he realizes it’s hurtful and disrespectful but towards me, and our relationship, but he is only fighting it while I am here. He has blatantly said he will stop doing it when I’m around, so I just wonder if when I return home he will give in to the urges without a second thought. He’s taken a few steps, hesitant ones, and has been attempting to make changes. That should make me feel optimistic, and I am trying, but his thoughts on thinking porn usage is not a big deal leads me to believe this is far from over. He’s stopped for me for now, and not for himself to I be honest earthier and to better himself. And, that’s why I think it’s will backfire and he will possibly end up resenting me for it.

You are so right, until he realizes not only what it does to to me but what I to is doing to him, he will most likely continue. I have been trying everything I can think of, to the point sometimes of finding myself in tears, telling him I need to feel wanted and desired by him. Since he has stopped for the past week, I’ve been feeling more connected to him, but yet sense the struggle within him.

That’s actually some really good advice, and I appreciate I thank immensely. I have actually, I remember one morning after a fight the night before he was asleep and I searched for some videos to share without him. He woke up, looked at the video I sent him and immediately burst into an angry rant, and how I should have known he would get angry. He didn’t even listen to it as he does not see it has rewired his brain. Thank you, though. I wish he would be open to it, I know he’d learn a lot. I even offered to watch a documentary with him on what really happens behind closed doors in the porn industry and how it negatively affects people, but he wasn’t open to it. Thank you for your kind wishes and I’m very grateful for your support. I’m on my way to a better path, and hopefully helping him to find his as well.

 

Hello again Psalm,
Yes, you are correct, and I agree on that. He has not admitted to that as such, but has admitted it is a problem. The reason I have no doubt he is addicted is because he has told me that he doesn’t want to do it, and that he doesn’t like doing, and when I ask then why he does he says he doesn’t know. It’s a bit confusing, honestly.

I know you’re right, and thinking of it in that reality makes me sad, because where he feels the issue is resolved by not doing it around me, I don’t think it’s is. Knowing i am in for so much more hurt should make me want to turn around and run, but there is just something inside of never stopping me. I want to be with him, I love him, and I want a future with him. But, part of me knows that I won’t be fully happy in thatcher scenario with the way things are.

I know that everything your email saying is true, and it makes me feel that much more ashamed for pushing my standards aside just to be with him. Your analogy proves true as I spent 4 years of my life in a relationship with an alcoholic before leaving because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I don’t doubt that for a second as it has been months and I have not yet recovered from the betrayal. My trust in him is shattered, and I hate how paranoid it’s made me. It’s not who I am.

Thank you so much for your support and for caring. I’m going to have to see how things go with him trying to abstain. If relapse happens, I hope I have the courage to ask him to get help. I want to be the one who helps him, but I know I can only do so much. Thank you ever so much, I’m going to research more and maybe I can figure out a way to help him that won’t make him feel like ombré against him.

 

@kkn93hc7
Thank you for your response, I appreciate you taking the time to write to me. I’m sorry to hear about what you have gone through, and I feel for you. I agree, it is really good advice, and I’m overwhelmed with all the support and good advice I’ve received. It has helped me to see things a bit more clearly.

I have made a bit of progress, yes. He has admittedly it is a problem to do it around me, but when I’m not here, and he says he misses physical touch, he think it’s okay. I’m hoping I can find the courage to try to talk to him about it before I leave next month. (As we’re in a long distance relationship.) I agree with what you have said. And, I hope that can soon become a reality for me. THsnk you again.

 

@kkn93hc7
Thank you for this insight. It’s actually really helped me to see it from his view and gives me a new perspective.

Thank you for that, it feels really good to hear that, as I have been feeling as if I am not doing enough to be there for him, and to love him better through this. So, to hear from really makes me feel a bit better. What him and I have is a kind of love I never imagined I could find, and in every other way we work so well, and I know without a doubt that he lives and cares for me. I could spend all day listing the wonderful memories we have made, all the kind and caring things he does for me, how he’s there for me. It’s another reason I feel so bad about it all, because this is the only big issue we’ve done dealt with in over 3 years of being together.

You are right, it is an ugly reality and has rewired his brain to be only aroused to that or his fetish, (models in latex.) This might be a bit personal, and I’m sorry if it is, but we both are into latex clothing and so that is usually the type of porn he watches. He doesn’t seem to see me anymore the way he used to, and for a while before he started trying to quit doing it around me for the past week he would usually only initiate sex by suggesting we get into latex. Which of course, I had no problem with except that he rarely imitated when we weren’t being kinky. He does now, and things have changed a bit in the past few days, but it took me catching him looking at latex models online again one night after he thought I fell asleep. I kind of lost my shit on him, and we fought for a whole week, maybe a bit longer. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem aroused by me anymore, and why he was more keen on looking at porn/models instead of being intimate with me. So many things he’s said have not made a lot of sense to me when it comes to his habit.

I agree that we are all human, we’re not perfect, and I think that’s what makes us beautiful, you know? And, the women’s in porn seem so perfect and it is not reality. He says he knows the difference, but if I’m being honest his stoical level for porn compared to his for me tells me a different story. When I dress up for him, do my make up and he sees me, nothing. He sees an attractive woman when we go out, on the tv, or a model it’s instant erection. I cannot compete with that, it’s so true, and I continue to kick myself for comparing myself to them.

I can imagine that it is so very different because as you said real relationships are more complex, and porn is easy and hard we can get instant gratification. But, this is another reason why I don’t get it. If I wasn’t available for sex, if I was distant, if I didn’t give/offer oral sex for him as frequently as I do, I could almost see why he would turn to something else, you know?

I’m actually quite thankful and grateful for your advice and insight. It does give me a new perspective and helps me see a bit clearer how it affects him. I do very much value our relationship and want him to be happy, I try to my best to keep our passion and desire alive, and not just in sex. I love doing little things for him that make him happy and bring out a smile. And, he does the same for me in every day life. It’s a bit more difficult In a long distance relationship, but not impossible.

He is quite reliant on it, he admitted to using it multiple times a week when min not here, and every day when he’s working due to stress he says. He does get quite angry if I ever bring it up, and unfortunately I doubt he would even consider getting help because everybody admits it’s a problem, but not that he’s addicted. I honestly don’t think he is ready to give it up. He says he thinks he’ll grow out of it when he’s a bit older, (he’s 23.) but, I don’t think it works that way. I don’t think I was able to fully comprehend how difficult it can be to quit until joining nofap and reading about others’ journeys.

That’s very true, and I believe it’s why’s my boyfriend gets so defensive about it, because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an addiction. He told me after a fight recently that he get sick defensive because he knows I’m right. But, quitting for him is more difficult than that for him it seems. And, I couldn’t agree more. It isn’t porn itself, it’s the negative affects of it, the problems it is causing in his life. He’s been struggling with anger and depression, and has a hard time opening up to people and I think they are somehow connected. Thank you again, fir your advice and insight. You’ve given me a lot to think about and some great suggestions. I feel like o have a bit more clarity now. Thank you for your support and kindness. I’m deeply touched by you taking time to reply in such depth and honesty.

 

Nothing to thank me for! Thank you for providing the courage to many other couples who are facing the same problems... you make it easier for all of us here as well, its just really sad how malicious and unforgiving porn really is... it is super destructive. And you sound like a forgiving caring person... some women may not even give that second chance.