Hocd, Porn addiction???

I had this problem in hs myself. I would “test” myself in that I would think of some gay act just to “confirm” that I didn’t like it. I would get relief from being repulsed by it ( I don’t like those acts - not homophobic, just not my sexuality) but then do it again soon after. It never occurred to me why I would even have to “test” myself to begin with until years later that I realized that I have ocd and this was a form in which it would manifest. Not unlike checking if a door is locked. I believe it connects to underlying anxiety. Then later I realized the role that porn can play in things as well. My advice? Stay away from the porn and let your mind rest. Don’t let this thing get away from you at this early stage in your life. It’s ruined plenty for me in my life (relationships, opportunities, getting into worse habits etc)

 

I think it’s really hard for even psychologists to catch. The conversation in my experience can easily turn to talk about “coming out” when in reality the anxiety is an irrational fear of something you’re not to begin with. If I recall correctly my own dr agreed with me on the Hocd because for me if felt like such a relief that there seemed to be a name for what I was going through. Usually ocd is talked about in terms of germs but I’ve read that even people identifying as homosexual have had this as their own form in that they had an irrational fear that they were
becoming straight. This may sound out there but I’ve read this i believe in dr Fred penzel’s book if I’m not mistaken. There should be medical articles on this out there so it’s real science. https://www.amazon.com/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorders-Complete-Getting-Staying/dp/0195140923

 

For me it feel covincing and the thoughts of kissing a man are as if i like it and want it even though i dont like it.

 

OCD is extremely powerful. I went through a phase (still do at times) where I would spend ALL Sunday (after having a few drinks Saturday night) in complete panic that I had done wrong the night before. I would ask my gf who had I upset/messaged/what had I done and would make up scenarios in my head. I would literally spend the day worried I'd messaged my boss abusive messages and deleted them - it sounds funny but i was literally convinced of it. I would then ask for reassurance ALL day to my gf to confirm things are alright...

Sounds like I'm going off track but it's all relatable - you get so worried about 'What if I'm gay' that you get into a similar cycle. You look for reassurance, you check, you get slight relief, that fades, you go back to square one.

Just consider this- do you really think gay guys spend this much energy worried about being gay? That fact you're on here worried about it speaks for itself...if you liked it you would be spending this time reaching out to other gay guys, not stressing out about it.

 

It’s uncanny how these were my exact thoughts when I was going through that in HA with my anxiety. That’s the thing I noticed with ocd, it seems to pick thoughts/fears about things that you would never do. I had to go through CBT therapy for my ocd. You’re taught techniques that allow you to just let the thoughts come and go. I’ve found a lot of it is very applicable to getting over the NoFap.

 

Just glad I could help. Wished I knew that while I was in hs Would have saved me years of anxiety.