It’s a long time coming. Need to get my first girlfriend

disclaimer: i am very new here, and i also dont know you well enough to give the greatest advice but ill try. Also this is very long i apologize for the length


I am 22 years old as well, I lost my virginity about a year ago, but i dont beliaeve that makes us much different in any way.

Just today i was listening to Lex Fridman's podcast and his guest said something i have heard before and already internalized, but he said it in an eloquent way: "Suffering occurs only when people wish to change external things they cannot change" (something like that). What i can say is that having sex with women (or relationships in general) is an external force, and not something you should be chasing. While its cool to have sex, its not the pinnacle of your life, there is much more important things that you could invest your time into (career, hobbies, health, etc.) that will give you greater happiness than trying to fit in and experiencing something that lasts ~20 minutes. Once you focus all of your energy on things you can change through yourself (i.e. not dependant on others), fickle pursuits like "losing your virginity" become childish in the grand scheme of things.

You know those corny sayings like: "you guys got to let it come to you bro"? What they are implicitly stating is that trying to manifest things that are entirely dependant on other people are never dependant on your will and what you want, therefore you can never earn, achieve, force, or create a romantic or non-romantic relationship through your actions.

Become the best version of yourself and youll love yourself enough to never need to fit in, to experience what youre "missing out on", others opinions, etc. There is a Freddie Gibbs quote: "By the time people show you love, you dont even want it"; why? because youre already fulfilled. OR even the (extremely crude, i apologize if you find this disturbing) Kanye West quote "I dont need your pussy, b*tch im on my own dick"; WHY? because he loves himself so much internally, there is no need for external validation

Once you love yourself, youll be able to tell people your a virgin with pride! (and girls love guys who love themselves too, thats a bonus tho)

 

if you NEED a girlfriend is a clear sign that you lack something. Is a really bad mindset to approach the subject. First you have to be happy about your life by yourself, then you can open to share your hapiness with other person. If not you are goint to shere with her your unhapiness. You are going to act needy with her and she si probably going to notice that you don't have yout shit together and she is probably to dump you, if she doesn't she is probably not happy either.. she is an ashole, fruit loop, have a lot of issues, etc. Exactly the girls you want to avoid.

It's better to work on yourself to the point that you are happy with your life, reach a point in your life that you don't lack anything. That's when you can go out and look up for a new girl to share your happiness with her and she can share theirs to you. With this approach your are going to be a lot more successfull to attract good qualiity woman into your life.

 

First of all, I am very sad to read that you have been dealt a very unfair hand in life. I can relate somewhat. My mother died while I was young and because my father worked long hours I had to spend a lot of time alone at an age where life should be fun and carefree. My father did the best he could, but he was a severe alcoholic for years and I often lived in fear of his wrath. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with a serious illness and was placed on radiation treatment and was forced to drop out of college my senior year after having been accepted to my dream law school to fix my health.

Why is any of this significant? Because I eventually got off the radiation treatment and I am in full remission. I now cherish my health in a way most people never think to. I went back to school while working full time and completed my bachelor's degree, and later finished an MBA as well. I climbed my way up from miserable assembly line jobs to get a career I enjoy with great coworkers. My dad and eventually teamed up to help each other out: I helped support him becoming sober while he helped me navigate a number of personal challenges.

I relay all of this because I believe it is important that you walk a road to self-recovery before you pursue a long term relationship. If you dive into relationships while you are broken emotionally, you are begging to be exploited. Unfortunately there are unscrupulous women out there who will exploit this (and there are predatory men who go after broken women). I know from personal experience.

You may need to seek professional help. Also, try to build your social circle up. I know it's hard; I'm painfully introverted, but I found that volunteering for a cause I cared about helped me meet great people while improving my self esteem. Maybe take up a martial art or at least develop an exercise routine. This will all make you feel more at peace with yourself. It will also make you more attractive to the ladies around you.

Let me know if you want to talk about the situation any further.

 

As someone also looking to get more experience, I think just getting out there counts. Talk to everyone, be outgoing, etc. Don't be afraid of rejection, it isn't as bad as we make it out to be in our heads.

 

My advice,

Be careful what you wish for. I wished I wasn’t a virgin to only lose it and now wish I was. You aren’t missing anything from being one. However, it all starts with love for all of yourself. What does not kill you WILL make you stronger. Took me over 20 years to realize it was not cliché.

 

Generalized anxiety disorder isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I was also plagued with anxiety from OCD to social phobia, to fear of failure. Everything else about me was wonderful: I was born into a wealthy family, I am tall, I was naturally good at math/english. Now I am severely depressed, and what's worse is that I've made my symptoms worse. Masturbating to porn will worsen your anxiety, I don't know the exact science on why, but if I had to guess it depletes a lot of the nutrients your brain is using to manage your symptoms. Marijuana directly affects your nervous system, so stay far away from that. I was 19 when I quit for a month and had a lot of success with friendships. Eventually I fell back into old habits and my life took a huge hit. I still consider myself lucky in that my father won't disown me, I am not worried about food and shelter. Some people have to worry about these things. I think happiness is around the corner for everyone, but most of us are either too scared to accept it or avoid it altogether. No human deserves to be alone, and no human is unworthy of love. You are only 22 so you have many options with women at the moment. Tinder is definitely an option if you have good photos around. Good luck man I hope you lose your virginity soon to someone you really care about.

 

I was the same person you are now. I experienced this till I was 28.
Till then I was a loner, under confident and awkward. But I studied and made a great career in law. Now , It's still really tough for me to get girls but I have dated three girls in past one year.

Right now, I will tell you that you need to just start increasing your social circle. Try talking to as many girls possible. Try and fail as much you can. You would regret a lot later if yoibdont ask out a girl you like a lot now.

So, just start socialising more and ask someone out. If she rejects you, don't get disheartened. Keep learning from your mistakes.
First step is to become good friends with them and have an emotional connect.
Then, you ask her out. But in Covid times it might be difficult. So, ask her out for some fitness related thing.

Hope it helps.
Cheers!

 

i liked what you said bro. thanks for sharing

 

Lmao same

also a 22v

 

guys......

there's nothing cool about losing your virginity except that you maybe no longer are mortified at somebody noticing when you're trying to hide an accidental boner. other than that....really, i think still having your virginity is a plus.

just wanted to make sure i represent my corner, which is that experienced does not mean better/more attractive/manlier/sexier.

Spoiler: good grief, why do i rant so much...

i have had the honor and privilege of being a first sexual experience 4 times (not my own - which was with an experienced person) and i would be delighted to again (( but that probably will not happen cause i'm 32 now. )). I think that we should revive the sacred regard of sex, and stop emphasizing it as a physical skill or experience that merits status or any of the porn-lies we're growing up with. i have historically been rather allergic to religious or dogmatic hot words, ideas, arguments, etc. but i have had many life experiences that have brought me to revisit some things that are just difficult to communicate without some reference to spirituality, because there is that additional dimension to the energy we are and experience in life and it cannot be easily observed or measured, so there we are. sex is a very integrative and deeply influencing act, turns out. not only must you worry about communicable illnesses, but psychological and emotional characteristics can be shared, and tons more that is hard to really describe here but it's not something you are told or really consider until ....oh, maybe the 5th or 6th damaging relationship, one night stand or worse.
i think we should treat sex as a very personal act that happens only when one is prepared and knowing of themselves, which for many may be well into adulthood, or some maybe never. i know this is unrealistic today on earth, but i feel that if we do advance in our science or in our philosophies and compatibility with planet, this sort of wisdom will be pivotal to surviving as a race. until we start taking seriously the subtle fields we are made up of, we are simply digging a nice deep grave before the end. don't treat sex with another human as anything but spiritual, guys. my advice to you, regardless of your theologic leanings. better yourself, so you have enough self-respect to wait for someone worth it. you don't want to go to hyperspace with a stranger. for real, you never know what the heck they brought with.

be proud of your virginity, you only get to have that once.

 

I like your advice to build up self love. It's important to develop self love so you can take time to understand and care for yourself to maintain good healthy physically and mentally. Another advice I would consider is to understand why you want a girlfriends besides the sex.