What silence communicates to your partner during and after a relapse

All of the above and
I don’t trust you so therefore I can’t come to you when I’m struggling or when I’ve relapsed.
I will protect myself above you at all cost. Lies protect the person lying, not the one being lied to.
I think you are too weak to handle the truth.
I think you are too stupid to make your own choices and decisions about our relationship so I’m going to make them for you.

 

It especially frustrates/angers me at the partners who claim “ I can’t tell because she will divorce/leave me”. So you know how incredible hurtful and harmful your behavior is and still choose to do it?
Then “ I’m protecting her, with my lies”, but you aren’t protecting her by getting help or into recovery?
I think this is even more harmful the longer you’ve been in a relationship because your partner has shown a deep commitment but you still don’t trust them.

 

To be fair, they are right in that it may lead to losing their partner. However, they made the choice to continue acting in a way that deserves to lose their partner. The only pass I give is if they do not understand it’s an addiction. My husband has tried to quit for our entire marriage. It wasn’t until I found a site calling it porn addiction and then educating ourselves on porn addiction/process addiction and betrayal trauma that he got help. But he didn’t just come onto a NoFap site and journal. Like my counselor says if a dr told you that you had cancer would u just buy books and read and journal about it or would you do everything to fight it that he recommended? Sa groups, accountability partners, counseling, journaling, educating, telling your spouse or close friends and family, getting blockers or getting rid of your smart phone. Changing jobs if need be, changing habits, locking down your phone at night...Refusing to travel alone or be home alone all of those are things my husband did and Still does a year and a half later. He treated it like an addiction not just a habit he wanted to change. I get that many cannot afford counseling but there are tons of free videos, Ted talks, and sa groups. Once you know it’s an addiction, it’s on you for continuing, because there is help out there.

 

I just wanted to share that I haven't dated for 8 years because of my unwillingness to be honest and truly desiring change. I just have trouble believing I will ever be faithful enough to be faithful to someone. It's sad but that's been my perspective for a long time. I do believe I'm starting to change, but this addiction really destroys you and consumes your soul. Especially when it grabs you when you're just learning about sex and desiring sex as a pre-teen. I've been doing a lot of recovery especially since February, getting honest with almost everyone in my life about my PA. But I understand what you all are saying and I've avoided relationships for a long time because I do understand that I have an inability to be honest with myself and others. Thanks for sharing these things.

Some of us may go to our graves without a relationship or ever having sex because we recognize how screwed up we are and how much we have the potential to hurt with using our sexual gifts selfishly and our inability to be honest or give up everything for change and that's okay.

Maybe God will change me at some point, but He's my only hope at this time.

 

I think it’s great that you understand you have a problem. Even better that you’re working on it. You get to choose, every day if you will walk towards recovery or walk towards your addiction. My husband often says he will ask himself “ does this take me further away from my addiction or closer to it”. Because he feels you are never just neutral. At a year and a half clean ( he’s been an addict 40 years) the transformation in him has been unbelievable. Since I’ve been with him 33 years, I see the changes before he even recognizes them. He couldn’t get clean without help, a lot of help. He couldn’t stay clean without work, a lot of work. Your inability to be honest with yourself is something my husband, and probably most addicts struggle with. Early in his recovery my husband would ask me “ is this normal or is it my addict talking”. He still asks occasionally but he’s gotten good at recognizing it now on his own. It’s not the porn that kills the relationship it’s the secrecy and lying. Just know, God is not going to miraculously cure you. You must do the work to get clean. God will give you the strength, wisdom, ability to be free, but you have to be willing to sit in you pain, feel the uncomfortable feelings. My husband is a very different man than he was even 6 months ago. The further away he gets from his addiction, the more I see him growing into a man. Not the man-child that I’ve lived with most of my life. There is hope, and you get to choose which way you want your life to go.

 

Why thank you! I have had a lot of different counseling and counselors, but no intense self work. I am considering emdr, but I’m waiting until my husband is at least 2 years clean. I’ve always been fascinated by human behavior. Mostly serial killers, lol! However, once I stumbled on an article about porn addiction and betrayal trauma, I immersed myself in research to understand it. By the time I had my first counseling appointment with my csat, I had a pretty good grasp of the problem and the best advised solutions. So the research helped but true understanding has come from living it for 28 years. Living through 5 years of confusion because I had no idea. Living through 3 years of trying to fix it (and thinking it was fixed)but no one knew it was an addiction so no real help. Realizing 5 years after first dday that he really hadn’t changed and wasn’t going to. Then 17 years of complete detachment from my husband where we lived parallel lives basically as friends, married but alone. Living with an addict who is sober but not in recovery and then finding real help and seeing what actual sobriety and recovery looks like. I believe part of my ability to understand has been from God but also having come from a really stable, loving, connected family of origin. My csat also said she’d love to see me mentor others, I’m just not sure I’m ready for that yet. I’m still healing and learning. I do want to help others, so for right now, it’s sharing what I have learned and experienced to others on here struggling.

 

it is nothing, sorry to reply

 

Really interesting and challenging thread. Lots to think about here.

 

I am not sure , I understand what this means......

 

I think @kaia is adding another item to the list she started in the original post (and @Psalm27:1my light extended in the second post in this thread).