Day Zero

Hello Fapstronauts,

I’ve been aware of this community for years and always related so strongly to the stories I lurked on. After I relapsed I had to make an account, to commit myself to finally quitting PMO for good.

As a guy in his early 20’s and addicted since his early teens, I’ve tried and failed countless times to go on hard mode. I used content blockers, phone notifications, a handwritten journal. None of them prevented me from eventually relapsing. I have gone from PMO every day in my teen years, to a few times a week as a college student, to about once a week as a senior about to graduate. The reduction in my libido is terrifying. I have little to no desire to date anymore. I hope rebooting can address this, naturally.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression my freshman year of college, but deep down I knew that it was me who was literally altering my brain chemicals through PMO. Meds didn’t help- that was a big sign to me that my mental health was actually within my control.

I sought out all kinds of self-help, some of it stuck. Jordan Peterson’s lectures in particular, they changed my life. For periods at a time, I was able to quit PMO. Three weeks, a month, maybe a month and a half. Then something would happen. I get rejected at a party. A girl I like ignores me, or we have an argument. I screw up in class or on a test. And my brain would resort to PMO as a coping mechanism.

I have to rewire my brain if I want to succeed, is what I’ve learned. My motivation and focus are so much stronger when I’m abstaining. My social skills feel like they’re boosted somehow, everything just flows. And I think that person, the one who abstains and reboots, is the real me. And that for years, I’ve killed him with PMO, suppressed my real self.

How many years before I can quit for real? So far, almost a decade hasn’t even been enough.

Dopamine does not equate to happiness. Drugs are addictive and destroy lives, and porn is a drug. It’s time I started treating it like one.

I apologize for ranting, just had to get some of that shit off my chest, especially post-relapse.

Onward.

 

Thanks for the warm welcome. We’re in this together!