Escort challenge

@need4realchg I saw your reply on my last post, I came to check it out and I think it´s a good idea for a person currently struggling. Fortunately I´m almost a year clean and have no desire to go back to that sad lifestyle. I do support everyone in here that wants to free themselves from this despicable way of viewing and having sex.

I do believe though that not everyone here is looking for help and as you said, will want to cover it up such as a cocaine addict might say that it gives them energy and blah blah. If they so choose to fry their brain and defend it, so be it. The ones that are concious of the addiction´s destructive nature will find a way out, others who choose to find it´s positives will just sink in the quicksand voluntarily.

 

Hey everyone, I got a question and wanted some insight from some others. so I’ve been pretty clean this year, haven’t seen any escorts, had a few “M” relapses without porn. Anyways that may not be all that relevant but I’ve improved a lot.

How should I view myself on my past? Cause now it can get more disgusting thinking back at some of the experiences I’ve had with escorts. Like visiting one I didn’t even really find attractive and going through with it, or being with some who you could tell they didn’t want to be there, or who wanted to get it over with.
I mean only a few times I felt the lady was pretty well into me. But I know still it was for a transaction, and sure I’m sure some do enjoy their job. But I kinda feel like maybe I’m worthless to be that guy who screwed this woman who didn’t want to do me. Sure I’m sure in normal sex with a loved partner some people aren’t always excited to have sex. But this isn’t like that.

in general I am easy going, I wouldn’t really initiate the contact or much at all like getting physical, I would try to let it flow or she would take the lead and begin doing it.


What does this make me now? I bet the world could see me as a bad person. But I know that was then, and this is now. I’m not like that anymore. It was all consensual. But you guys who are addicts here like me know that feeling from being in the hard cycle of doing it over and over.

just want some thoughts from you guys.

Thanks happy 4th of July as well.

 

Well I think I know, who cares what nay sayers say about my past being my present. I know who I am now and that I’m a good person. Anyways I think that answers my own question.

 

As someone once said to me, "The best thing about the past is that it's gone."

"When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." Hugh White

"You can’t base your life on the past or the present. You have to tell me about your future." Chuck Palahniuk

So, back to your question, "How should I view myself on my past?"

The answer is, "Don't." Don't view yourself on your past. The past has gone. The past is not who you are, it's not what you do, it doesn't define your future.

The only purpose of the past is to learn, which is the only reason why historians are so important.

It doesn't make you anything. The past has gone. It doesn't exist. It's nothing.

What makes you now is what you do now. What defines you is your action, now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Now.

Learn from your mistakes. Be sure to remember your successes, too, because you must learn from your successes even more than you learn from your mistakes.

Each moment you have a decision. What defines you is what decision you take. Now. Not yesterday. Now.

Good luck, and wise decisions!

 

So, I've taken the time to read all the posts here. I'm giving a warning that some of what I am about to write may be very triggering for you. So, read with caution.

There will be some anger, no doubt, in what I am about to write. I don't apologize for that, but I am giving you fair warning. Some things I will respond to are things some of you wrote quite a while back and maybe you have grown but I am responding to what is written.

I am the ex-wife of a sex addict. We were married for more than 30 years. I never knew he was a sex addict until the end when everything blew apart. It wasn't that I didn't have my eyes wide open. It was that I did, and I openly shared any concerns and he was a very, very good liar. I never even knew he was lying to me. What I did know, what that his behavior was always off. You may think that "she will never find out" and therefore "it will never affect anything". I can tell you, it affects every. single. thing. in your life. As a spouse, you don't have to know. You just know something is off. The moodiness, the flying off the handle at random times for no apparent reason, the erratic behavior, the rage. It's all there but as the spouse, and being gaslighted all the time (read, being lied to), you question yourself, your sanity, you question your perspective.

Someone here said to another spouse on the forum "Can he trust you to tell you about his problem?" That made me angry. It's like a guy going in and robbing a bank and blowing all the cash. Then asking if he can "trust" telling the banker that he stole the money. It's the guy that stole the money that's untrustworthy. Don't put that on the spouse.

Some of you have the delusion that a sex worker might have had an orgasm with you. Ha! You do realize that these poor women are sore and burning from overuse and they are probably in pain and very tired. Don't kid yourself. Highly, highly, unlikely. Women aren't like men. We need trust, closeness, love and care.

You talked about energy transfer sexually. Yes, and this happens to us wives with you as well. And we sense something is off. But we don't know what.

The reason I knew I had to divorce after I found out was because your kind literally puts our lives at risk. You don't even care enough to stop this for your own safety. My ex could have given me AIDS. I don't care that he claimed to always use condoms. We know the progressive nature of this addiction. My life was at risk.

Someone here said that he danced for strippers and then walked away after they wanted him because it gave him a power trip. Again, you don't know how women work. Women aren't going to get worked up watching you dance. Ever notice there aren't strip clubs for women? Women might pretend and put on a good show at a club (like Chippendale's with a group of women) but women need gentle touch and lots of foreplay. Thinking that a woman is getting worked up watching you dance and you feeling powerful walking away just goes to show how deluded you are (or were). They probably thought you were a hoot and went away laughing at you.

My ex destroyed our marriage. I loved him fully. We did a lot together. He didn't want a divorce but I realized that I spent my whole life working on being the best person I could be. He spent years cheating, lying, gas-lighting and abusing me. If he started his recovery today, it would just be a bunch more heartache for me to put up with while he blamed me for his problems because he can't deal with them on his own. You sex addicts not only make us spouses deal with all the problems of life, but you skew everything and want us to deal with your problems too, compounding everything we have to deal with. After over 30 years of giving him the benefit of the doubt, only to realize that he screwed me over our whole marriage, I was supposed to go through " how to live life kindergarten" with him while he learns the basics of respecting other human beings? Once his mask was off, he became a monster.

I am absolutely heartbroken. All I invested into this marriage and into him is gone. He no longer has contact with our kids or me. My family members that use to have respect for him-it's gone. All the hours I spent talking to him, trying to understand him and what he needed....what a crock. He was playing me the whole time. He said "No matter what happens, I have always loved you and I always will". And I said, "And no matter what happens, I love you and I always will. And I believe you love me. You just love yourself more". And then he proceeded to abuse me through the whole divorce (but in his mind, he didn't).

Don't let this be your story. Get help and quit before you shatter your lives and the lives of all of your loved ones. I am so broken that I don't know if I can ever trust another man ever again. I pray that I can and will but right now, I don't see it. I also have a "letter from a prostitute" I will post after this post. Thanks for letting me post. This thread has helped me and given me some insight into his life because I will never get that closure or knowledge from him to fill in the gaps of what in the world his life was like while he was pretending to be normal with me.

 

OPINION
By Tanja Rahm

Dear sex customer,

If you think that I ever felt attracted to you, you are terribly mistaken. I have never had any desire to go to work, not once. The only thing on my mind was to make money, and fast.

Do not confuse that with easy money; it was never easy. Fast, yes. Because I quickly learned the many tricks to get you to come as quickly as possible, so I could get you off of me, or from under me, or from behind me.

And no, you never turned me on during the act. I was a great actress. For years I have had the opportunity to practice for free. Actually, it falls under the concept of multi-tasking. Because while you lay there, my thoughts were always elsewhere. Somewhere where I was not confronted with you sucking out my self respect, without spending as much as 10 seconds on the reality of the situation, or to look me in the eye.

If you thought you were doing me a favour by paying me for 30 minutes or an hour, you were wrong. I would rather have had you in and out as fast as possible. When you thought yourself to be my holy saviour, asking what a pretty girl like me was doing in a place like that, you lost your halo when you proceeded to ask me to lie down on my back, and then put all your efforts into feeling my body as much as possible with your hands. Actually, I would have preferred if you had gotten down on your back and had let me do my job.

When you thought you could boost your masculinity by getting me to climax, you need to know that I faked it. I could have won a gold medal in faking it. I faked it so much, that the receptionist would nearly fall off of her chair laughing. What did you expect? You were perhaps number three, or number five, or eight that day.

Did you really think I was able to get turned on mentally or physically by having sex with men I did not choose myself? Not ever. My genitals were burning. From lubricant and condoms. And I was tired. So tired, that often I had to be careful not to close my eyes for fear of falling asleep while my moaning continued on autopilot.

If you thought you paid for loyalty or small talk, you need to think again. I had zero interest in your excuses. I did not care that your wife had pelvic pain, and that you just could not go without sex. Or when you offered any other pathetic excuse for coming to buy sex with me.

When you thought I understood you and had sympathy for you, it was all a lie. I had nothing but contempt for you, and at the same time you destroyed something inside of me. You sowed the seeds of doubt in me. Doubt as to whether all men were just as cynical and unfaithful as you were.

When you praised my appearance, my body, or my sexual abilities, you could just as well have vomited on me. You did not see the person behind the mask. You only saw that which confirmed your illusion of a raunchy woman with an unstoppable sex drive.

In fact, you never said what you thought I wanted to hear. Instead, you said what you yourself needed to hear. You said that, which was needed to preserve your illusion, and which prevented you from thinking about how I had ended up where I was at 20 years of age. Basically, you did not care at all. Because you had one goal only, and that was to show off your power by paying me to use my body as it pleased you.

When a drop of blood appeared on the condom, it was not because my period had just come. It was because my body was a machine, one that could not be interrupted by a monthly cycle, so I inserted a sponge into my vagina, when I menstruated. To be able to continue on the sheets.

And no, I did not go home after you had finished. I continued working, telling the next customer exactly the same story that you had heard. You were all so consumed with your own lust that a little menstrual blood did not stop you.

When you came with objects, lingerie, costumes or toys, and wanted erotic role-play, my inner machine took over. I was disgusted with you and your sometimes quite sick fantasies. The same goes for the times when you smiled and said that I looked like a 17-year-old girl. It did not help that you yourself were 50, 60, 70, or older.

When you regularly violated my boundaries by either kissing me, or inserting your fingers into me, or taking off your condom, you did it knowing perfectly well that it was against the rules. You were testing my ability to say no. And you enjoyed it.

When I did not object clearly enough, or when I too often would simply ignore it. And then you used it in a perverted way to show how much power you had and that you could cross my boundaries.

When I finally told you off, and made it clear that I would not have you as a customer again if you could not respect the rules, you insulted me and my role as prostitute. You were condescending, threatening and rude.

When you buy sex, it says a lot about you, your humanity, and your sexuality. To me, it is a sign of your weakness, even though you confuse it with a sick sort of power and status.

You think you have a right. I mean, the prostitutes are out there anyway, right? But they are only prostitutes because men like you stand in the way of healthy and respectful relationship between men and women.

Prostitutes only exist because men like you feel you have the right to satisfy your sexual urges using the orifices of other people’s bodies.

Prostitutes exist because you and your peers feel that your sexuality requires access to sex whenever it suits you.

Prostitutes exist because you are a misogynist, and because you are more concerned with your own sexual needs than the relationships in which your sexuality could actually flourish.

When you buy sex, it reveals that you have not found the core within your own sexuality. I feel sorry for you, I really do. That you are so mediocre that you think that sex is all about ejaculating into a stranger’s vagina.

And if one is not handy, it is never further away than down the street, where you can pay an unknown woman to be able to empty yourself into a rubber while inside of her.

What a petty and frustrated man you must be. A man unable to create profound and intimate relationships, in which the connection runs deeper than just your ejaculation.

A man, who expresses his feelings through his climaxes, who does not have the ability to verbalise them, but prefers to channel them through his genitals to rid himself of them. What a weak masculinity. A truly masculine man would never degrade himself by paying for sex.

As far as your humanity goes, I believe in the good in people, also in you. I know that deep down, you have a conscience. That you have quietly wondered whether what you did was ethically and morally justifiable. I also know that you defend your actions and likely think that you treated me well, were kind, never mean or did not violate my boundaries.

But you know what? That is called evading your responsibility. You are not confronting reality. You delude yourself in thinking that the people you buy are not bought. Not forced into prostitution.

Maybe you even think that you did me a favour and gave me a break by talking about the weather, or giving me a little massage before you penetrated me. It did me no favours. All it did was confirm to me that I was not worth more. That I was a machine, whose primary function was to let others exploit my sexuality.

I have many experiences from prostitution. They enable me to write this letter to you. But it is a letter, which I would much rather not have written. These are experiences I wish I could have avoided.

You of course, you thought of yourself as one of the nice customers. But there are no nice customers. Just those who confirm the women’s negative view of themselves.

Yours truly,

Tanja Rahm

Tanja Rahm spent three years in different Danish brothels and left prostitution when she was 23-years-old to become a therapist, sexologist and a lecturer.

 

Im Im in

 

My ex-wife was a gaslighter, who kept me confused for 20 years and hid from me her cheating. I have a few friends who were married to gaslighters — some men, some women. A gaslighter is far worse than just being lied to. I feel your pain.

Don't let one person blind you to the good in other people. Don't let the fact that he was a man make you think that only men do this. And don't let those 30 years make you so bitter that you think that the majority of people are like this. They aren't. Fortunately for this world, those gaslighters are the minority (unfortunately, the best ones become successful politicians).

I saved myself through a ton of therapy, and I know that you can, too. The time will come when you can trust again.

Regarding the letter, do you have source, please? It's a great letter that needs wider sharing.

Good luck in your new journey!

 

Just type in "tanja rahm letter" into google.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am married and have struggled for years with porn and recently I found myself walking right up to the edge of paying for sex. I know that if I take that plunge it will set me on a path very hard to return from. In the moments of temptation many thoughts run through our heads but thoughts of the damage we do to others rarely make it to the top. I can only hope your testimony becomes seared in my mind if I ever think about crossing lines again. Many of us are in business and industry that values trustworthiness and I can't believe how stupid I would be to risk losing that reputation, but even more than the reputation is the damage to my soul and what it would turn me into. I do not want to become the man your husband is. May God help me

 

That's such a powerful message. I needed to see that to understand how delusional I was being through it all. I am more committed now to recover from my sex addiction.

 

Hey guys!

Been a while since I've posted here, Been through a lot the last few weeks but I'm trying to pick myself back up again. I still haven't seen an escort since Feb. Temptations always filling my head though and I've logged on at times to check the escorts around me when I've been triggered.

I've put a lot of things in place the last while which have limited my risk of relapse and have opened up to a friend or two about it. I'm concentrating a lot on self Improvement and trying to be a better version of myself everyday. I have my 3 big Goals written and put on my bedroom wall and I'm trying to get closer to them day by day.

I hope everyone is keeping well and becoming the best person they know they can be!
Peace!

 

Yes I wanted to check back, that’s a interesting letter. I still have those odd thoughts, pretty much daily, it’s a bit annoying, other then that I started exercising yesterday doing some jogging. Although I been single it still makes me feel bad for what I did. I wonder if I should ever tell my Significant Other in the future? That’s something I kinda think best not to, reason is it’s in the past before I met her, and it could do some damage. And if I do it would be after I know her for awhile. Just some outward thinking. I believe regardless there will be some woman out here who would take me regardless of my past. Anyhow hope everyone is doing good.

 

That's an interesting question, and some will have strong opinions on this.

Naturally, if you are still addicted when the time comes, you must tell your partner right up front, because they need to know that you will cheat on them with a prostitute. It's unlikely that they'll accept this!

But here, I shall assume that you are done with this addiction, and you will not cheat.

I suggest a pragmatic approach. When the time comes that you have fallen in love with someone, and they have also fallen in love with you, a key point is that it's not your partner's job to carry your weight; that's your job. Don't share if your only reason is to lessen your burden; share instead with a therapist.

So…

The question to ask yourself is, "Will this information draw us closer, or will it insert a wedge? That is, will it help or hinder the relationship?" Whether you tell your SO or stay silent depends on the answer to your question. You can't answer that question until you have the partner.

 

Thanks for the advice, you seem to have good answers I appreciate that. It’s still a long way down that road but I know revealing something at the wrong time is not good to do. But I’ll take your advice.

 

Hey guys,

I'm looking for some help with something that ye might be able to point me in the right direction. I'm looking to widen my support group at the moment as I think its something I might need more of, I'm thinking a support group that's running online over video call or something like that since social distancing is still a thing and In person is not gonna happen any time soon I don't think. Obviously the group will be based around sex addiction and I can open up about everything and hear others who have been through the same. Any help is appreciated I'm just not 100% sure where to look but I will have a look around on the internet myself. FYI I'm living in Ireland so something in the same timezone would be nice but not a deal breaker, just don't want to be getting up at 3am to go on a video call.