I'm betraying myself.

It is good that you opened up here but you should also seek to get that out of the dark and talk to someone face to face about this. That's probably the first step towards healing.

 

Hi I'm an 18 year old new to nofap.
I can't relate with your type of addiction with experience but I can imagine your poor condition...
I'm satrting recovery from today onwards ..maybe you wanna join ?only if you want to

 

Understanding your porn addiction a bit better could benefit you. Have you seen the Ted Talk - The Great Porn Experiment by Gary Wilson? He talks a lot about this in the video and in his book as well. It is a must watch in my opinion for everyone here.

Even if you failed several times I say keep going. You say it has ruined your life. Let me tell you my man im a lot older than you and I am still addicted but I do not look at it that way. You are still a very young man. The best life is ahead of you. I say educate yourself as much as possible with regards to this addiction. Yourbrainonporn.com is an excellent resource where there are countless others who were addicted to the same type of porn you are watching. I believe you can recover from this it just takes some effort and time.

If you ever need someone to talk to please PM anytime my man. All the best

 

I'm sorry if I am ignorant about this, but are you absolutely positive there is no person or place in which you can get face to face help?
I live in a different society, but even though I was seeing a psychologist, I was also very scared to discuss this. It took me many years to have the courage to do so. It was easy after that. Maybe if you can just find a trusted professional to talk to about life first, and when you feel ready and you think they can help you, begin to open up about your real problems. Be optimistic because most people do want to help you and will not make you feel shame.
However, you need to work harder by yourself as well. You are at a good age to make changes in your life. Try your best now to improve your life.

 

I understand. However, time will pass and if you don't abandon yourself and look for answers to those problems you will gather posibilities of change. If you can afford therapy, you should try it. If you can't and are religious (or even if you aren't) you can search for spiritual help in those who are willing to help in that regard. I don't know your geographic and demographical setting but that's what I think you should seek for.

Also, I may add, you have been building that habit and way of doing things for years now. It will not be easy to break, in no way. You should meditate and get to accept this fact as soon as possible. It is another tool for success.