My Story - I'm Finally Here

Been struggling w PMO for almost 30 yrs. Sex addict, relationship addict, divorced twice. Sexually abused as a kid by family member. Amazing I've had a successful career. In and out of therapy my whole life. Third wife moved out left me a year ago. Always had great sex life with women and still did PMO with a vengeance at every chance. At the worst I would go for days PMO'ing. Have tried to quit for years and would last about two days. Lost my job when the COVID happened and when lockdown hit I decided I better try again otherwise I'd be at it 24/7. I would visit the forums here when I be drawn to the phone to distract myself and view P. My attention span sucks. Over the last three months I made it about 2 weeks at most and would have a brief instance relapse of PMO. Then abstain for a few days or week. A couple weekends ago I spent time with my separated wife and it didn't go well. Came home and went on a bender for like five days - 12 to 14 hours a day with PMO. What the heck was I doing??? finally pulled out of it and decided I better sign up and join the community and hopefully have a place to go instead of P sites. I read my story here and I'm stunned - how f'ed up has my life been. I got four days now with no PMO. Thanks for reading.

 

I don't really have a goal to be without PMO to start. I think you are right to just go day by day.

 

Yesterday was a bad day. Ugh. Completely fell into it. It seems now when I relapse it isn't just a "quickie", it's all damn day. I am trying to be aware of my triggers and notice that when I get bad news about something or get meanness from that someone I look for escape. I will re-program to use this site as a go-to when I feel like that and am drawing towards P.

 

Seeing the pattern again...Mondays are bad...so here I am diverting attention away from P sites.

 

The Gary Wilson tedtalk was interesting. The part about ADHD not being a primary dysfunction but a symptom of porn addiction. My attention span has deteriorating over the years because I'd be constantly thinking about P and then shifting from my work task to clicking on P, then back and forth back and forth. Then I'd just stay on the P site. whole damn day goes by and no work done. Now even if I am not diverting to P I can't stay focused on a task for more than a minute or two and then I go to some other internet site, cuz I'm so used to switching from my primary activity. This has scrambled my brain wiring.

 

There are triggers everywhere today...can't lie to myself.

 

day 3 - stressing over everything and just want to escape. read something this morning about slowing down the mind. continual tension forces the mind to make bad choices under a rush to solve something. that fix such as PMO is short lived and solves none of the problems that were there earlier. good luck to everyone today.

 

Mondays and Tuesdays are often when I relapse. will try hard to stay on track. If I make it through today it will be one week. I avoided certain triggers that have been occurring over the weekends so hopefully any temptations I have today won't show up. Any helpful thoughts from anyone on this would be appreciated. Thanks everyone.

 

Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes the loneliness of dealing with this on my own is overwhelming. I wish you well - stay strong!

 

Feeling confident about staying away from PMO. I had a couple of potential distractions that could have lead me to P, and some stressful things as well. I used to think mindlessly that P would make me feel better but it really doesn't and I am finding strength in staying away from P. The habit of just going for a P site whenever multiple times a day isn't happening anymore. Of course I am coming here so that's good.

 

I just this morning realized what a P-sub was and the effect it could have on me...internet sidebar ad for women's gym wear and a bikini babe popped up. I looked, and looked, mmm that looks nice...and then realized my mind was starting to wander towards the rabbit hole...click that and I'll just look at the workout apparel...riiiiight. The pending potential sequence of events knocked me right between the eyes. Holy sh1t this ain't where I want to go. I steered clear and got back to work. The ADHD kicked in and couldn't focus so I diverted here to check in.

 

thanks man. yeah the imagery is everywhere. hopefully over time the wired connection that causes the leap from seeing a tv scene of a hot babe to hitting PMO goes away. stay strong - all of us