I feel stupid and manipulated... (Long Post)

So, just a heads up, this post will be heavy. It revolves around the greatest tragedy of my life (so far) and my embarrassing response to unfortunate circumstances.

It all began many years ago in sixth grade. I was a new kid in middle school. I was small, overweight, and pimple-faced. Not exactly a good-looking person by any means. On the first day of middle school, I met a girl. She was tall, wickedly smart, and gorgeous. Throughout the year, I awkwardly tried to spend time with her. I got her number, asked her to a dance, and spent time around her. Words could not properly describe the feelings that I had towards her. This interest grew over time, especially when I saw how well she excelled in school, especially mathematics. During this time, we both were in the band. I played clarinet and she played the flute, deepening our connection.

Over the next few years, she grew prettier with age, and I slimmed, became somewhat taller, and more confident in my schoolwork. We remained friends throughout middle school and even had to privilege of participating in a high school band together. As an understatement, I was obsessed with her. I can remember listening to love songs and crying tears of joy at the possibility of us being something one day. She was perfect in my eyes.

When we entered high school, our friendship continued. At this time, I was beginning to --in the least douchy way--become somewhat handsome and my confidence around women was growing. I was becoming more comfortable with myself. I even dated a girl for a month, but she cheated on me. The implied reason was my height, which when I was a freshman was probably 5'7" or so. Regardless, I shrugged it off and shifted my mind toward the girl from my high school.

The time homecoming finally came around, I was ecstatic. I was thrilled and miraculously mustered the courage to ask her to go with me. She accepted. I went home gleeful and jubilant beyond measure. I was in a euphoric state and felt like I was invincible.

The beginning of my problems arose two days later when she said that she just wanted to go with friends. I understood even though I had bought her a $90 mum with the money I saved doing chores. Over the weekend, I was browsing Snapchat when I noticed something on her story. She was next to a football player from another school with a sign that said that she was going to go with him. My heart was broken. Shattered. Obliterated. 3 Years of unhindered anticipation ruined in seconds. This was the beginning when her "true self" began to rear its ugly head behind a mask of a flawlessly crafted image, adored by faculty, teachers, and seemingly everyone.

After this incident, many of her friends shunned her for it and rightfully so. I refused to talk to her for a long time. A year passes and I begin to talk to her again. Somehow, I found a way to forgive her. Slowly, we became friends again to a point where it was as if our relationship was undamaged. Then, one day she decided to date my friend, Jeff. Jeff played the saxophone and was blessed with acute intelligence.

I lost it. I fell into a deep depression. This was compounded by my parents getting divorced, friend's suicide, and my mother nearly dying in the of a stroke in the aftermath. I didn't know what to do, so I checked into a mental hospital for a week. Years pass and I try my best to forget her, but I have dreams spending time with her. Not even sexually, just picnics and holding hands. About a month ago, I realized that I was wrong about her! I WAS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING!

My friends told me stories and her friends told me stories. They revealed the truth about her. She dated a ton of guys and abused the FUCK outta them. She did whatever she wanted to them. She was too pretty for any of them to care. I was attracted to her because I thought that she was a good person. A good Christian girl who I could spend the rest of my life with in a heartbeat. Instead of being the person that I thought she was, she dated a horde of guys I had no idea about, abused drugs with them, wore absurdly revealing clothing to every non-academic activity, and played party games letting guys take turns slapping her ass. I thought she was a good person and SHE RUINED ME FOR YEARS!! I've been depressed about her for so long. I was in love with the fake side of her. I was so wrong and I hate that I was. I let a girl that didn't even exist ruin a chunk of my life.

On one hand, I feel disappointed in myself for letting a girl have such a large hold on me. On the other, I feel like a world just opened up to me. I'm no longer a slave. My chains are gone and I've been set free.

 

It is all true and from the heart. I'm not kidding. And, yes. I am 18. It's true, but I can understand why someone would think that it's not. My life has been crazy throughout the past 4 years.

 

Out of curiosity, why did you ask if I was 18?