I have given up on life.

So my name is Marko Vukman im 29 from croatia.
Im usong my real name and location because i dont give a damn about anything anymore.
Where to begin.
I have been suffering from depression for sometime now a few years. Never wanted to go to get profisionale help because i know everything they will say and will not tale anti depressions because i dont want to live in a bubble of false happines rather it hurt atleast it real. I live in a shitty country with shitty people. I feel my life has no future no light at the end of the tunnel. So lets begin
Work
I have a college degree in turistic managment.
If i knew what i k ow now i would have gotton a degree in enginering or programming but i was a dumb kid and my mom pushed buissness school down my throat.
Croatia is a beautifull country to visit but a shit cointry to live in. I wont get into the corrup goverment or the hige amount of lazy assholes who dont want to work and get money from the goverment.
The croation owners want ypu to work long hours do everything . A raise yeah the word does not ecsit in this country. You work 16 hour days you get paid 8 if yoi dont like it we have a huge unemploymnet line someone else will do it even for less. So are base pay is atleast decent. Well a few owners do give you a good base pay but they are like 5 percent the rest kust sell ypu bs stpries about family and friendship and when work begins you are just a tird on their boot.The dalmation cost where i love you are lucky if you can get a job for a full year. I feel that in work choices i alsways keep makong the wrong descion. Every job i take i do mpre and more work but i keep gaing less and less money. The big hotel i worked at which promosed me a reao job all year paod all their workers peanuts . We bring in wprkers from the phillipines not because they are better but because you pay them 1/5 of what you wpuld pay croation workers and the owners ha e the balls to say their are no good workers in this country. That is why the majority of people move to germany or ireland.
Lets continue
Last year i was acfulae a hotel manager i ran everyzhing and quit lucrative if i may say so. Made more money cut their expensies and what did it get me . The sons owner calling me and threating me over the phone. All the money they make they waste on drugs and whores . After his son stabbed himself because he got into a argument with his father the father goes oit and buys the son a 400000 kn car while i make the same pay as the cleaning lady. And the whole corona virus yep good buy work this year.

Love.
The only thing that i care about in this world is love the only thing that i want is a loving caring trans women that loves me and that i love her.
Key word trans.
Who is interested can read my other posts will not explain here. I dont care about materiale crap and the such only about love.
Jesus christ i had my heart broken more times then messi has scored a goal. I finally met a trans women that i felt pure teue love towarda her well guess hot that turned out. Also i live in croatia . The trans women i meet are turists. I know maybe 3 croation trans women 2 are bat shot crazy and sell their bodies and one cut of her penis so im not sexuale attrcted to her. The rest are just gay guys who dress in women cloathing. Im afraid i will end up alone and die alone.

Friends
What friends. People i have know for years where are they know i dpnt care hope most of them are dead. I was their for them qhen he had a drinking prob when another had a gambling prob when you girl gave the wrong pills to a eldery women in a home and killed her. Where are they when i needed thwm no where. It has been 3 years and not one person picked up the phone to evwn wish me a happy birthday. Side note i went to college qith thia one guy i will say was a ex friend. Je works as a event manager in a hotel and has a wofe qho adores him amd a child. He does not deserve shit. Their was this women i was sleeping with and she showed me messages from him asking and begging for sex while his wife was pregnet . I know more people like that and they live a good life when is it my tuen.

Family.
Where to begin
When my hrandmother feom my fathers side dies we will trow a party noone will miss her and i mean noone that old bitch. 75 years old she will live another 15 years fuck.
I came out to my family that i like trans and i like dick mostly because of my ex which is till lobe to this day and want to marry her. I also thought that a family will stand by their kid was i wrong. In croatia if you are gay that is a sin. My neoghbour who is i think 26 has a drug prob and loan sharks came to his house and beat his dad because his son owed him money but me who spends his time in the gym or working or reading books is the bad kid because i like cock.
My grandmother the one we all want to die told my father he is a dissapoinment as a father and used my dead uncles memory to black mail that i should have kids because im the last vukman. I never wanted to have kids and if i did i would hate the kod the mother and my family because of it. No child deserves that. But my dad will not abandon me but he is not 0leased with it. I inderstamd but what bugs me the wrong way is i sadi multiple times that i want to koll myslef and honestly i want to but because of my no quit attidude i keep takimg what life throws at me and keep getting up (but no more) amd after all that they only care how this will affect them how it will look of people know i like cock. Ypu know what no one cares half the city all ready saw me go out on dates and dinners with trans women. You have a son who is in paon amd all ypi can do is fight among ypirsleves you disvuat me.
What about the rest of my family. I dont even go to family dinners anymore because i cant stand them. If i try to say my opinion im called stupid young inexperinced and so on so i just gave up. I have uncle on my moms sided who is a coplete asshole. He inherted my grandfathers company because he was his son . And my dad and the other workers insult and make fun of him behind his back but it is okay because he has a son i dont know qjen was the last tome he talked to his son but yeah. The only person that i respect and lo e in my camily is my grandmother from my mothers side. That women would love me if i even killed a man let alone that im gay.

Most of yoi would say mo e and honestly i am planning on that. Will mo e to thailamd or pbillipine or vietnam i know some trans women down their who want me and i would teach english and would do vam sex on the side woth thwm to make good money down their to libe like a kimg. Just i would love to have the support of my family. Of something happens that i can always fall back on them but if i leave i know i will never be welcomed back again. You know when you are young yoir family says they will kick you out when you 18 but now all i hear why would you leave you have a job and the family buissnes .
I know i dont have it like kids in afraic. I will always have a job a roof over my head and food on the table bit really is that all to life. Things that i am interested in do not exsit where i live. No book clubs no steongman gyms no out dpr activites only bars restaurants and hotels. I have to drive 4 hours one way to the capital city if i want something like that. And dont even say move to zagreb . To buy a flat here you have to give a arm and a leg to get a cheap shit flat. No wonder after malta we are the second country in the world where the kids still live with thwir parents and the pay is shit. Also i know people from norway who do my job and they make enough money to travel 2 -3 times a year and live woth a friend in a flat for fick sake.so yeah i have a job and a roof but no friends no places to do my hobbies no love must keep my mputh shut when around my family so we dont get into a argument so really i just fucking gave up.
Their is more but i cant remeber if i do i will add to this.
I write this to geg some shit of my chest amd honestly i feel alittel better bit it is a temporaly feeling. I habe never asked for a hand out or for spmeones pity i just ask for a littel luck thrown my way.
Honestly the only thing i want in life is for my ex to reach out to me say she loves me and i will quit my job amd my family and move in with her.

 

Just to add i mastrubate everynight amd my orgasams have gotton extreme where when i cum i bang my head against the pillow multiple times of the pressure. Dont know why all of a sudden but yeah. I k ow all the bemefits of no cap and have felt them but at the end of the day what did ot get me . More energetic great i do more work at my job and get nothing. Outside i ask a women out in front of her parents and have meaningless sex yeah me.
I dont give a fuck anymore

 

Ok i just remeber what i wanted to say while i was taking a piss. I feel like im a joke to the uniberse like someones amusment. I had multiple times where i had my desire right in front of me and everytime i was close where i could smell ot it was just snapped away. Like a tangling carrot for a race horse. Yep i know what you want but you cant have it. That is how i feel and i had that done to me countless times.
Really honestly why dont i kill myself. I spend my whole day hating myslef my life and i see no futire. What is the poimt. Honestly i even planned my sucide to the t. I really dont see a reason to live

 

I have finally quit.
Since im a pussy to take my own life i will do the next best thimg.
I make good money in .y country so i will waste itall on whores and whiskey and will mastrubate every single day.
Ofcoirse i will still eaf healthy and work out that is my life( so sad i still clinge to some hope) but finding love yep im done.
Escorts and whiskey fuck everythi g else im this world and fuck all of you.ban me if you must

 

When others here needed someone to talk to i was there but when i need there is noone.
People only think about themselves

 

I will leave this country . I have a trans girl in the phillipines who is smoking hot and wants me to move their. The only thing is that im not in love with her and i know i never will be. Im still in love with my ex trans girl. Just loomed at her profile pic and god is she still beautifull.
Im my own worst enemy . Everytine some littel good thong happens to me a sabotage it with my thoughts where i belive i dont deserve happines also i belive that the universe is just playing with meas i am a joke . I see other people who enjoy their lives while i work hard and get nothing. I threatened to quit my job and now the owners are trying very hard to be nice with me. Really i have to quit for you to act as decent human beings.
Family thing well my parents still are trying to keep me here but i will move (even thow i dont love this new girl she is horney as hell and im not in croatia anymore) they even mentioned briefly that if i do decide to be qith a trans women that the doors back home might be closed.
Who the fuck says that to their kid???
The only thing i really want is just my ex back never stopped and i never will stop loving her.
Y3p i sound like a bitch writing these threads normale i would just bury this shit deep down and never let it surface but i want to gwt my story out maybe it can one day help someone

 

I understand bit i think it has to do with my work. They see the great rwviews the staff are getting since i started working and i always keep bragginh how the guest are buyong me gifts ( which they are and leaving me big tips ( which they are) plus i ran a hotel last year but here i make double what i made there. The only problem is with their daugther who is the manger while i just head a reception she has gotten use to getting everything she wants because her family is rich so she never delt with someone who qould back talk to het like i do and she does not like it because of her i want to quit because i know that one day i will punch her.
I get the whole parent thing but it bothers me.
I have told my family thousand times that i think of killing myself that i have held a knife to my throat numerous times and they do nothing. Told my father that i have anger and hatred and sadness in my head all the time and his answer was that maybe i might be in the wrong.
Thing is i dont really care honestly. I have told my family a thousand times i dpnt care about continuing our last name ( never wanted kids) that i dont care about their money and properties i dont care about materiale crap. Rather live in a small tiny apartment with the girl i love .
Yep i get it sound like a spoiled brat who has money and a house and never have to worry about food but me and my family work very hard for all that it is just that i dont enjoy any of it and after taxes and bills in my country i only have enough to go somewhere for 5 days but we all work very hard and long hours

 

The only thing is that i am afraid .
Afraid that me not loving this girl in manilla will make me want to break up with her then what i cant come back home.
But even thow im afraid because i dont have a saftey net i still will do and try to build my life the way i want to

 

If it wasnt for love my friend i would not be leaving my country. If it was not for love i would have never admited to my self that i love transgendered person cock more then pussy. If it was not for love i would have never came out to my parents. I have felt so many emotions into my life but real love that was something speciale.
Me and my girl where citing on the roof top bar and she askes me what do i think about the view. I turn to her and tell her the vity is nice but im lookimg at something more beautifull right now. That feeling is something so amazing and wonderfull that when you feel it you never want to let it go.