I want to give up again... Inside the box of self imprisonment.

Lumian · Jul 29, 2020

Hi dear reader, thank you for your time! I felt like talking to someone and honestly there's no one anymore to listen to me complaining about my psychological drama. I can't force my friends anymore... Poor things... So if you want to listen to someone cry with words, maybe help, maybe get help, here I am!

So...

I'm 22, I didn't finish high school, I don't have any job, no close friends around, not very healthy relationship with my family, not any other type of relationship.

I believe it's day 1 of my reboot, I feel like relapsing anytime although I know I won't find any pleasure in it. My sexual energy is just gone know, I reached that point when you can imagine sexual pleasure but not quite feel it. I'm stone cold.
Yet there is a feeling of "you can do it", I just know there is so much more to life than this, why am I still so afraid? Why do I still hurt myself so much? And I'm selfish, I can't quite figure out what to do and I don't have a sincere feeling towards anyone that lasts more than a minute. I can't hug anyone without feeling a block. This is all my making.
I now have a bunch of tools to handle my turmoil. I know I have to act outside. Go out into the world and do something! For me, for others. What am I doing? I'm disrespecting my body, I have a lung problem but I don't go to the doctor, I have other things related to my body that I just ignore. I'm smoking weed for days, eating junk food. Not exercising, not meditating, not going outside except to get drugs and money for drugs. I'm messing up my mind and letting my mind mess me up. Emotional rollercoaster. Not feeling alive.

If you want to understand something that may explain everything just know I've been in my world of imagination since I was a child and maybe that's why I don't remember too much, because I wasn't there.
I know I can do something now, I know the areas I have to take care of. I just don't do it. All these things I said bring me a feeling of shame and worthlessness, I believe I'm not capable of anything.

Since I live in my imagination I actually don't live, I just think. And now it feels like I just woke up and I'm 22, I look around and what did I live? How to proceed? I don't have any motivation. I'm just compulsion at this point.

There you go. Any words?

Deleted Account · Jul 29, 2020

Brother, please get a grip.
If you want, you can reach out to me and we can chat more about these problems you listed.
But until then, no one can help you except yourself. It is your duty and your responsibility to become the best person you possibly can be. I wish you good luck, my friend.

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2020

Lumian said: ↑

Hi dear reader, thank you for your time! I felt like talking to someone and honestly there's no one anymore to listen to me complaining about my psychological drama. I can't force my friends anymore... Poor things... So if you want to listen to someone cry with words, maybe help, maybe get help, here I am!

So...

I'm 22, I didn't finish high school, I don't have any job, no close friends around, not very healthy relationship with my family, not any other type of relationship.

I believe it's day 1 of my reboot, I feel like relapsing anytime although I know I won't find any pleasure in it. My sexual energy is just gone know, I reached that point when you can imagine sexual pleasure but not quite feel it. I'm stone cold.
Yet there is a feeling of "you can do it", I just know there is so much more to life than this, why am I still so afraid? Why do I still hurt myself so much? And I'm selfish, I can't quite figure out what to do and I don't have a sincere feeling towards anyone that lasts more than a minute. I can't hug anyone without feeling a block. This is all my making.
I now have a bunch of tools to handle my turmoil. I know I have to act outside. Go out into the world and do something! For me, for others. What am I doing? I'm disrespecting my body, I have a lung problem but I don't go to the doctor, I have other things related to my body that I just ignore. I'm smoking weed for days, eating junk food. Not exercising, not meditating, not going outside except to get drugs and money for drugs. I'm messing up my mind and letting my mind mess me up. Emotional rollercoaster. Not feeling alive.

If you want to understand something that may explain everything just know I've been in my world of imagination since I was a child and maybe that's why I don't remember too much, because I wasn't there.
I know I can do something now, I know the areas I have to take care of. I just don't do it. All these things I said bring me a feeling of shame and worthlessness, I believe I'm not capable of anything.

Since I live in my imagination I actually don't live, I just think. And now it feels like I just woke up and I'm 22, I look around and what did I live? How to proceed? I don't have any motivation. I'm just compulsion at this point.

There you go. Any words?
Click to expand...

I think everyone here felt that they just woke up and found themselves in a different time and place. This is what addiction does.
But 22 years is young, man. Young IF you care enough to change. You can stop eating junk food, exercise every day or even every second day and you're gonna be a changed person in terms of your body.
Changing your mind is a bit more of a challenge. But essentially the same. Don't consume junk 'food'. Porn, and sexual content designed to catch you (your attention). Exercise your mind by reading. Learning, memorizing.
Changing your beliefs about yourself, your past, the world, relationships, people etc. i.e. reprogramming your mind is gonna take some time.
And I'm speaking here first to me before I speak to you, my friend. I'm in the same boat.
But the door is open. And it's upon us to walk out of this. We are like elephants chained to white plastic chairs. We believe we can't, but they got us fooled.

Lumian · Jul 30, 2020

Speedo424 said: ↑

Brother, please get a grip.
If you want, you can reach out to me and we can chat more about these problems you listed.
But until then, no one can help you except yourself. It is your duty and your responsibility to become the best person you possibly can be. I wish you good luck, my friend.
Click to expand...

Thank you! Yeah, I used to blame my parents, society, religion... About everything, but now I know it's my responsibility to get better. I just got too afraid to live and now I'm feeling stuck... It would be great to talk if you want to!

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2020

Lumian said: ↑

Thank you! Yeah, I used to blame my parents, society, religion... About everything, but now I know it's my responsibility to get better. I just got too afraid to live and now I'm feeling stuck... It would be great to talk if you want to!
Click to expand...

I'm always here, my brother. Do you have Discord or WhatsApp? I don't like Telegram, but maybe we could use that if you want.

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I want to give up again... Inside the box of self imprisonment.

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