Seeing the fact

I have an attachment to pornography. If you are reading this then you probably do to. For the past year it has been this constant struggle to change the habit. I say to myself don't do it, don't do it and in this, there is a contradiction in my mind. Contradiction being the me who wants to use porn and the me that doesn't. Sometimes, I have pulled away for a few days but it returns with full force and the struggle continues until I end up giving in, just to satisfy the craving. There is something wrong with this approach. clearly it doesn't work and after reading some posts on this forum, I think the majority of us are trying to fix this with with the same contradiction and struggle. Only to fall back into the habit and get frustrated as to why it keeps happening.

I sat alone with myself for a while and contemplated this fact until I discovered this contradiction in my mind. I think we fail to see it because we have separated ourselves from the addiction. We are treating it as if it is something separate from ourselves and so we say "I must stop this, I must change" This is not the fact. The fact is we are not separate from the addiction, we are the addiction, or it is a part of us. So by judging or condemning it we are really judging and condemning ourselves and this is where the struggle and frustration comes from. I really hope that someone understands this. It really is quite important and it doesn't just go with porn, but with every aspect of our lives. But we will leave that aside for now and focus on the attachment to porn.

When the urge to use porn came up, I sat with it and observed the whole process of it. The feeling in my body as well as the chattering of my mind. It was not very easy but the more I put my attention on it without trying to suppress it or control it, I noticed how the urge had no power over me. It was just there and I was just seeing it for what it is. Seeing the fact of it, the wanting and the not wanting together as one part. It feels so freeing because control had nothing to do with it, or will power, it was just observation. I don't know, maybe this is crazy but I feel like it works. The urge is there but the contradiction is not.

 

I have also done some self-observation like you, but I have a different experience. I don't struggle with P. I struggle with MO. I find myself compulsively wanting MO, not P; P just makes the experience much more enticing. The craving is really for O, not P.

I don't need P at all to relapse. My hand is a much bigger temptation than pictures on the screen because it gets me what I crave while the pictures do nothing for me except motivate my hand. Using the lingo from The Power of Habit, P would be the cue, M the routine, and O the reward. So my idea is to change the routine (M) because there's no way of controlling the cue (P). That doesn't mean I'm okay with P. I'm still anti-P, but also anti-M. So I just focus on taking control of the M routine and then any desire for P just drops by itself.

 

How do you plan on changing the routine? Masturbation is a problem for a lot of us too, but what do you do when you get the urge to masturbate but you don't want to do it?

 

Hi Andrew, congratulations on your sobriety. Nice to hear a success story. The idea that I posted is still new to me, after failing so many times and for so long I needed try understand why. I feel like it makes sense not to separate the addiction from myself. The ego or the "I" that wants and the "I" that doesn't is still the ego, so I was just fighting myself, which is just silly and doesn't work. I am still recovering, but I feel free from it. There is no more struggle because I am simply looking at it without the separating.

 

If I have an urge, then it means I must have been triggered somehow so I need to identify what the cue is. Most of the time, it is P-subs. Starting out, it's easiest to avoid the obvious cues by removing certain activities and using web blockers, but cues can't be avoided forever. This is why replacing the routine is critical like the book teaches.

The routine is only a means to an end. What works for one person does not necessarily work for another; we are individuals and have our own peculiar likes and dislikes. Anything that provides what we perceive to be a reward could potentially become a substitute routine. This is why experimenting is necessary. Some that have I used in the past: listen to music, go for a walk, play a video game, call a friend, practice a foreign language, do some art work, meditate, practice a programming language, play sports, take a cold shower, read an inspiring book, read email, watch a movie or a show, eat some tasty food, etc... the possibilities are near endless.

At first, a substitute routine will only sometimes work. Over time, it becomes easier and it gets more efficient, especially if one keeps repeating the same routine. After a while, the new routine can even be dropped because new neural pathways are already in place and they are getting stronger. I went from substituting video games for M to now substituting body weight exercises for video games. (I don't play games anymore) Of course, it wasn't easy and it took some time to practice the new habits until they became a part of me. At this point, the new habits are in place and I would have to put in a bit of effort to overcome them when I feel like relapsing.

 

Exactly and the things we can do to try and avoid the triggers are also endless. I noticed the problem with this is, we can so easily spend the rest of our lives running away from cues, distracting ourselves with other activities but never really dealing with the issue itself. A trigger comes along which creates the feeling of arousal and then the mind labels it by calling it bad and then runs away from it. I don't believe this works. Not trying to slam the Nofap book or anything but it doesn't help deal with the issue very well. It just tells you to identify the cue, which is impossible because the mind creates new ones and then run away from it through some distraction. My suggestion with this post is to simple observe it without trying to run away from it. When the urge arises, just sit with it and feel it without giving it a name, justifying it, or looking for what caused it. These things don't matter and will only add confusion. By seeing the fact as it is, this becomes the action that ends all other action. No need to run away anymore because the seeing is the doing.

 

Your approach is very interesting. I don't believe in running away either, but depending on the context, it could be better to run away until one is stronger; of course running away could also be denial of some repressed emotion. This is why honesty and introspection is required.

I agree, the mind creates new cues if an underlying issue isn't dealt with. For example, there was a time I would browse P because I was bored. Quitting P only made me very sensitive to P-subs which use to trigger me. I found that by playing games or watching movies instead of MO, I temporarily dealt with the issue of boredom. It wasn't an ideal solution, but it gave me time to become stronger and reflect on the cause of the problem. Habits which we practice will strengthen over time, and it was certainly better than watching P. After some time, I felt strong enough to address the real issue: boredom. Having dealt with it, I am no longer triggered by P-subs and I feel no desire to play games either. I realize boredom can be resolved in many different ways that don't involve browsing P.

Like in mythology, the best way of killing a hydra is to stab it in the heart instead of chopping off one of its many heads. But hydras are fearsome, powerful creatures so this requires facing one's fears--most are unwilling to do it. Sometimes all it takes is just a little preparation.

 

Possibly, I know I did it for a long time, But sooner or later you have to turn around and face this thing head on. No more running away.

They do and when one habit comes to an end something else takes its place. Well done on getting 50 days, you are on the path to recovery now.