Journal of beating PAWS/Flatline!

Hey guys. I was a really have addict, like REALLY heavy addict for 7 years and during the last 3 years i have had different streaks such as 2x 5 month hard mode streaks. 2x 3 month hard mode streaks. And a couple 1 month hard mode streaks. I havent binged between my streaks. Only 1 relapse and then back on the horse. I still find myself in a big slump of anhedonia, social anxiety, low testosterone, brain fog, etc. And honestly its all i have been thinking about these past 3 years. PMO ruined my life. Sometimes very rarely on my streaks i have days of feeling much better so i know for a fact that this is PAWS and im healing for the years of damage i did. I just had a MO relapse 2 days ago from a 5 month streak and decided i wanna journal a 10 month hard mode streak everyday in this thread. Of course i wanna go further but that is my goal and hopefully it will take me out of paws because i do believe a breakthrough will happen soon.

 

Day 2/304: Obviously feeling down over my relapse mentally. Social anxiety is high today and im so much in my head. Thinking that im a failure in life and everything. Its hard, but im gonna get through it. I feel like the first month will be full of tough days after that relapse. Maybe the first 14 days.. We will see! Im down but im not out. I am hungry to get my life back. To get those benefits i had during my early streaks before PAWS hit back.. I know i will suceed if i just stay focused, diciplined, and keep going.

 

My PIED actually hasnt been an issue the few times i have had sex during this reboot. I have had sex maybe 4-5 times and havent had trouble getting it up.
Also i dont believe in rewiring with partners. I believe that ejaculation and sexual stimulation is as much a problem as porn and floods the brain with dopamine/serotonin as much as porn. Especially ejaculation. I have talked to guys who have had sex during reboot and didnt escape the flatline. We have been addicted to PMO, not just P. So we need to do hard mode in order to recover in my honest opinion.

 

Well PIED wasnt really a problem for me, thats the thing. My libido is still on the low side, but the main problems are the depression and severe social anxiety i have. Mainly from watching porn and fapping away all these years. Its gonna take a while for some people. I know many have problems with PIED and honestly its impossible to say how long it will last. My advice is to go hard mode, learn how to meditate, go to the gym, etc. And just say "fuck this i wanna change my life". And the flatline will last however long it will last but if you wanna heal and feel amazing with strong libido and attract women, then you gotta go through it. Its karma to pay back all the things we did to our body during the years. And yes masturbation and ejaculation gotta be stopped. I have read over 1000+ recovery stories over the past 3 years. Hard mode is the way and when you are fully recovered then you can have sex if you want to.

 

Most guys have flatlines with depression, social anxiety, and all kind of mental problems due to the brain recovering from all the abuse PMO did. Not fun stuff man, been close to suicide during this journey because i cant feel a thing.

 

Its all due rewiring of the brain. PMO releases huge amounts of dopamine and when we stop some of us go through withdrawals with symptoms like this because we are in insane debt of neurologic chemicals in the brain. Same happens with drug user when they quit. But its possible for everyone to recover with enough time. Just look around this page man there are people feeling better after 6 months to 2-3 years. Shows how much Porn masturbation and ejaculation can mess us up if we abuse it! All the best brother.

 

Day 6/304: Defiently still feeling the effects of that one relapse. Social anxiety has been in full force. No confidence, no libido, and a nasty headache. It does suck. It was a MO relapse but nontheless its still a relapse. Luckily i didnt binge and i guess it hasnt set me back too much. Perhaps it will take a couple weeks to feel better and i guess that is okay. This journey has been so painful that i just wake up unbothered. Im used to not feeling a thing anymore, im used to feeling like a zombie and a ghost. It has been my defeault for a long time now since i started this journey. And even before on the peak of my addiction. I miss falling in love, i miss laughing, crying, and having shiny blue eyes. My life wasnt perfect at all but at least i could feel things. If i can just get back to that stage i will be forever grateful, and never take life for granted again.

 

He is my big inspiration, therefore i use his reddit name to honor him haha!
His symptoms was the same as mine and he has shown that paws will come to an end. Honestly i admire him for keep updating. I will probably leave all these forums behind once im recovered.

 

Day 12/304: Day 9 i felt better but these past 3 days have been full of social anxiety, fatigue, and depression. Today may even be the worst. I feel nothing. Cant feel love, cant feel sadness. Im just here on this earth and feel like a ghost. The only reason im not suicidal is because i geniuly believe that this is PAWS from PMO. And that i can recover. its just weird that im so far into this journey with so many long hard mode streaks and no binges, and feel NO progress at all. Makes me loose hope.

 

Day 23/304: So after having a rough time the first 2 weeks i had 1-2 days of feeling better. Not like "im healed" better, but just like feeling more confident and motivated, and less depressed. Unfortunally i also had a cold when these good days where happening so it was kind of masked. The past 2 days have just been the usual flatline stuff with depression and anxiety. And honestly im getting used to it. But it doesnt mean i have lost hope. I was a really heavy addict and yes i have had some long streaks, and i believe a lot of healing has been taken place and is taking place. The "good" days i get very rarely actually GIVES me hope that i will recover so i gotta just dedicate my life to staying away from porn sex and ejaculation until im fully out of this PAWS/flatline stuff. I have seen lots of guys with long flatlines and paws from drug abuse who suddenly start to feel better in year 1-2. Like rapidly. So not everybody has gradual progress. I think i am in that category where it will go rapid when healing takes place.

Anyways, im down but im not out. I will never give up no matter what. I have used too many years on this, i just wanna heal and go on with my life.

 

Day 38/304: Had wave of depression in the beginning of last week. Tough times. Yesterday and today i have felt better depression wise. I wouldnt call it "good days" just slightly better days, and im happy with that because i know its progress and these days will be getting better and better the longer i go! Social anxiety is always there but today i have been feeling more happy and a little bit more confident which is very nice. And slightly more glowy eyes(eyes have been dead in flatline). I was a huge addict guys and now after multiple 5 month streaks i see a bit of progress on some days. Its slow but i hope a breakthrough will happen soon!

Im still sure its paws. Have read so many stories from drug addicts who have paws and come out of it in year 2-3 and sometimes longer.

 

Day 49/304: Libido hasnt been high so its been pretty easy lately urge wise. No real improvement. I have days and even moments where i feel better but maybe it happens once every 20 days or so. I guess its something.
I cant wait till the social anxiety fades, till my testotserone levels are normal again, and till i can laugh and cry and feel myself being happy again!