A little vent.

Hello friends. I am typing this because I'm in a tough situation at the moment. I broke out of a 4 day binge yesterday after relapsing on day 110 or so. It wasn't pretty. I was laying on my bed, semi flaccid PIED cock in my hand crying inside and fapping away. I ended up deleting my social media apps and going for a long bike ride through the farmland. It's been difficult because the people on those apps were the only social contacts I had. In real life I go days without talking to a single person. I've been thinking a lot and facing reality is not easy. I dropped out after highschool at age 18, I am 20 now. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't attend school anymore, I would spend all day in bed and I did that for about a year or so before I started fighting back and following the nofap path. I'm so confused with life. I don't understand anything and the sheer meaninglessness of it all is debilitating. I don't have any friends because my anxiety is so bad I can't talk to people or attend things where I would meet other people and my contact with family is minimal and shallow. I don't know why my anxiety is so bad, it might be withdrawal or I might have an underlaying mental problem. I've seen doctors, psychiatrists but they don't know anything. They just prescribe you drugs and give you advice that your parents could've given you. So that leaves me basically alone and that's fine, I've been on my own for a long time now and it doesn't freak me out as much anymore as it used to. I just don't know what to do with my life. I don't have education outside of my highschool diploma and the books I've read while at home. I am so lost and it's very difficult spending all day alone in the flatline. I go out a lot, hiking, reading books outside but it doesn't really help. It just feeds into my loneliness seeing all these other people outside. I just don't see the point anymore. I'm so lost in my head, I can't think clearly anymore. I've been thinking about killing myself because there is nothing I want out of life. Contact with other people seems shallow because there are always alterior motives, manipulation, shallowness. It's never pure. My hope of being loved is gone because I don't believe unconditional love exists. I know that this is very hypocritical because I am no better than the people I avoid; this makes me feel even worse. I have a volunteering job starting this week at a small store and I hope that might help with my anxiety, facing people and getting more comfortable around them. I don't think it'll improve my life much but I'm just gonna do it because what else is there? Thanks for reading.

 

Hey Maurice, I totally understand your situation with the binging.
I binged after I broke an 80-day streak for like a month. It's okay
and it's part of recovery.

About your anxiety, it's very likely it could be related to a mental
illness so it might be valuable to get that checked out. I know you
don't really trust medical professionals right now but I can assure you
that getting medication and or treatment will help. I've dealt with
depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life and I deeply regret not
reaching out to anyone or seeking professional help.

Love and good connections with people do exists, trust me. I've been
in dark places and it feels like it's never going to end. However,
you will find people who will prove you wrong, you just have to be open
to it and let them be there for you.

Loneliness is a terrible thing to go through man, I've spent a lot of my
life feeling lonely. It fed into my depression and suicidal thoughts
and it's just hell on Earth. You might feel like no one can understand
you or that you're never going to get out of this but you can.
Better days will come and change happens slowly. If you want your life
to improve then you have to open to that happening.

Lastly, please talk to someone, a medical professional at least, about
your suicidal thoughts. I get that you feel empty, numb and hopeless
but that's the mental illness talking. There will be better days, you
just have to stick in there and work at it. I've been able to change my
life for the better so much and I am thankful I never fully committed to
my suicide attempts. You will meet beautiful, caring people. Your life
will get better and you will be happy. Maybe not now but eventually.
Taking this from a guy whose tried suicide around 5-6 times, been
chronically depressed since elementary school and was abused during my
childhood. Get help man, I want to see you grow and become the beautiful
person I know you can be.

 

Thank you. It's good to hear a different perspective. The reason I am so apprehensive of medical professionals is because when I first started treatment I was about 17 then, I was prescribed an antidepressant and I feel like even after quitting it has still made my Erectile Dysfunction worse. I wasn't really warned about the risks and they seemed eager to just put a pill in me. When I went to my doctor and talked to her about my erectile dysfunction initially she literally asked me "What do you think I should do?" Uh lady, I'm not the doctor here. She didn't know anything about porn addiction and neither did the psychologist I've been seeing. It's frustrating because I feel like even medical people don't understand what I'm going through. It's literal hell inside my head, it's like withdrawing from a hard drug or something yet people just frown at you like you're crazy. After my relapse I didn't go back to my psychologist, I just skipped the appointment and blocked her number. Maybe I should call her up and go back. I don't know.

 

Hey Maurice, sorry for the late reply. Had to do some errands. Anyway, I definitely think you should go back and see a psychologist or therapist. However, the doctor you were seeing doesn't sound to welcoming honestly. Try shopping around for someone else to see if they're willing to work with you.

If you can't find anyone else, go back to her and have an open, honest conversation about your fears about the medications. Don't forget to give your doctor an idea of your goals with recovery. While doctors or therapists might not believe your addiction at first, I believe that if you talk about how it effects you honestly, then they will do their best to work with you. If not, find someone else who will.

Going and getting help for your mental health right now is vital man. This is a stressful time and rebooting is hard enough as is. Getting your anxiety and depression treated will help you have a stable base to work on beating PMO. I'm rooting for you man. You can do this and come out a better, stronger man. It might be hard and it will definitely take awhile, but it will be 100% worth it in the end.

 

Hello Brah,

I am going on Monk Mode as well, I relapsed again today but this is the last straw. I was doing so well, 110+ days and I'm not gonna throw all that effort away by binging more like an idiot. I deleted social media, I need to be strong this time and not give into the loneliness because that's always what catches me off guard and then I try to assert control over the situation by sexting people etc which only leaves me feeling like a horrible person and just makes me disappointed in myself. I see that your counter is at 10 days now and that's awesome, how is your streak going so far?

Maurice

 

Thanks for the kind words man, it means a lot.

 

You're right, it's easy to lose track and only look at the negative things. This is something that I do a lot and I'm not proud of it. I've noticed a kind of desperation (but in a good way) that allows me to push myself further and do things that I otherwise wouldn't be able to do. I don't really care so much anymore about what other people think about me, let them think I'm weird! The world will keep spinning. I'm more focused now on this feeling of anxiety and enduring it in tough situations and breathing into it. I have a long way to go, like I said in my other comment I am breaking out of a binge which has really disoriented me and put me off track but I'm getting back on my horse and accepting my error and not wallowing on it. I hope your journey is going good as well, we're all in this together.

 

I'll be going into therapy again soon and with a proper therapist this time. I have been on the wait list for a while, let's hope I can start soon.

 

Don't mention it, I'm just glad that you appreciated the post. I try my best to really think about what I post. Knowing that the effort is worth it makes me glad.

Dude, that's awesome! Honestly man, you're taking serious steps in your recovery. The fact that you're willing to work on yourself shows that you truly can beat this. Keep this up and you'll look back and be amazed by how far you've come. We're all going to reach the finish line so keep going man. Each step you take towards taking control of your life gets you one step closer to crossing that line.