I seem to have zero empathy

Addicts have no empathy. Understand you are using a drug your body creates to get high from pmo. Until you are clean, you will not be able to empathize. If you are a narcissist, just getting clean will not help either. Simply quitting will not fix anything. Finding out why you are an addict and getting into recovery will change everything. Obviously you have not been serious if you’ve been talking about it for a year. Until you decide that you want to be in recovery for yourself, you will continue to relapse. Until you decide to grow up and face your issues you will continue in the path your on.

 

Empathy is a learned behavior. There is always a way to develop it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

you are blocking out a part of yourself.

i don't feel you are a narcissist, that's just a part of pmo addiction. it amplifies all the shitty aspects of a jock without any of the glam. it wears you like a shell, with your ego as the container and it carves a big nest for itself inside, like a parasite feeding on the spiritual energy that connects us to our higher truths and to the vibrant universal field. it can only do this because the chemistry of the act of pmo blinds you temporarily to your own feelings and heart cords which connect to those we love. this temporary blindness fades after a few days, hence the cycle of having to use regularly to maintain this parasites life cycle. you are so numb you are handing it the keys to your life, pretty much, and letting it steer the way, perhaps with your partner still loyally attached and being dragged to emotional bankruptcy behind you.

get in touch with your inner child, man. the one that felt things intensely and cried and felt fear and excitement without drugs or porn. remember him? what will it take to feel your true desires before you become an old man in a chair looking back at your life with no meaningful connections, bravery or integrity to know your self by?

hey, feel free to message me if you would like to try to get constructive with some strategies for moving forward. i'd like to help if i can.

 

@NaturalPornKiller
any advice? you said you were basically in the same place until just recently. what shifted for you?

 

You are welcome

Really glad to have you here. There are a few really good threads in this sub forum I recommend you check out, when you feel like a bit of reading. It’s funny how similar a lot of PA are and SOs seem to also have a certain commonality as well. If you follow along some of the journals you might find their story easier to start feeling a sort of empathy or kinship as their experiences unfold.

a couple of my favorite PA journals are that of @JamesTheSquirrel and @+TenPercent
I think that @SequinHistory has or had one too of his journey reconnecting with his real self and his wife, recovering from false desires that P threatened their marriage with.

this podcast is a great resource for gaining tools and perspective:
The betrayed, the addicted and the expert
A really good book on relationships is
How to be an adult in relationships

 

I have a similar issue which I think is because I've really split myself into two people: the addict and the non-addict. My addict self is the zombie and relishes in my addiction and does everything and anything to feed it, hunting down porn, messaging women, seeking out every single source of pleasure to feed me. It will hurt and use anyone just to get off.

My non-addict self is no better: they're so ashamed and afraid of the addict that all they do is try and hide that personality by lying and covering things up and seeing everything as a possible way of exposing the addict half. It's wiling to hurt others because it thinks that if the addiction half is exposed people will hate them more than anything else.

Between these two halves there exists no room for empathy. Either I am the addict hurting others to find pleasure or the non-addict hurting others to hide my actions.

 

This is a serious issue. I am glad you were honest enough to bring it up. Empathy is a verb. It isn't a feeling. C.S Lewis said that if we want to love our neighbor we should go out and do what people do that love their neighbors do, and one day we will wake up and realize we do love our neighbors.

I feel the same is true with empathy. Don't fake it, but seriously ask yourself, "how would an empathetic person react here?" Because empathy is a verb, it can be learned, it can be worked on. You can develop it.

The first step is to STOP doing things people do that do not have empathy (ie. viewing pornography). You cannot develop empathy if you are continuing to engage in these behaviors. It doesn't mean you need to be perfect, but you need to be on the path away from it. You can make the determination today.

Then its practice practice practice. But remember, don't fake it. When we fake empathy, it is manipulation.

Give yourself a moment to pause and THINK before your react or answer. I used to have a rule where I would pause for 10 seconds before answering my spouse. It was awkward. It was hard to remember, but it helped. I only did it for a short period of time and it helped a lot.

Hang out with empathic friends. Don't surrounded yourself with people who lack empathy for others.

You can do it. Suppressing empathy is a part of using pornography. We all have to find our way back.

 

This is a great insight. But actually you are not two people, or two halves. You are one person, who is stuck in a *shame cycle.* You are moving between opposing points in the cycle.

To break the cycle, so you can feel whole again and experience empathy, start by practicing accountability instead of shame. Shame helps no one, least of all yourself. It damns you to live in isolated fear. Instead, choose to be accountable for your choices. Having people hate the real you is the worst possible outcome if you are honest and accountable. Having people love someone who you are only pretending to be is the best possible outcome while you are living in shame.

And if you are honest and accountable, there is something for you to at least love about *yourself,* which is a start that you can build on, by using accountability to drive better choices. There is no loving yourself when you are living in shame. And of course no empathy, for yourself or anyone else. You don't have to keep living like that.

 

Hey...
Your story sounds pretty similar to mine.
I did a few years of believing I was trying but continually relapsing.....slowly destroying my relationship with my.partner...
Just over six months ago when.discussing my issues with a good friend he told me to download an audio book to help.... Its called
The way of the Superior man.
I listened to it over and over again...
My life near enough changed overnight...
I have a real appreciation of myself and my partner now and havent looked at porn once since.....I have an incredible relationship with my partner now but more importantly I'm happy within myself.......
Your heading in the right direction as youre questioning yourself..... Its just finding what works for you.....but you'll do it....
I broke a 20 year daily habit ...I just needed the right inspiration......
Do it for you and in turn your partner will benefit...
Take care.

 

Please! What is that for an answer? How is that supporting or empowering?
Firstly, "addicts have no empathy" is such an generalization and it's simply not true.
Then you assume he could be a narcissist (which is a serious mental condition, diagnosed only by specialists) making it clear you see no hope for such a case.
You say that "recovery will change anything" (finally a positive message!) but also "simply quitting" wouldn't "fix anything".
And who are you to tell him to grow up and face his issues?

I have seen worse posts in this forum. A lot! And you may have the best intentions. But to me this seems to be the perfect example of "tough love" advice going the wrong way.
Empathy!

 

First, addicts don’t have empathy. Second, I didn’t assume he was a narcissist I simply said “ if”. He himself admits he has no empathy, he’s been lying and destroying the woman he claims to love while neglecting his duty as a father. He’s been faking recovery, so not just lying about porn use now, lying about recovery. Maybe go read his so’s journal and how she is feeling through all of this. If he were single, then fine, maybe I’d be more empathetic to his plight. However, he has a relationship and child that are impacted by his choices. Many addicts display narcissistic tendencies, while very few are actually narcissistic personalities that’s why I suggested counseling.

 

For me personal addict / addicted was always self-proclaimed. It was never a label that others put on me and would made them able to judge that I'm so and so because ...
That's one of the reasons why I don't like your general claim. I don't know why you say it this way ... but fine, you'll have your reasons.

As for a lack of empathy due to porn addiction, my personal experience is that, while I know I neglect others, don't accept responsibility, am not present, I tend to think that others don't care fo me and that I'm neglected. Don't know what to do with it yet, but it seems to be an infantile thing. Although many adults display it at times, I guess.

But then I am not a father. And I'm single.
Suggesting counseling was certainly a good idea!

By the way, I don't think a narcissist would worry about his empathy and neglection of others. But then again that's speculation.
Anyway, I think we have to be very careful with such a label. Even more careful than with the label "addict".
Have a good day!

 

@GroundedRabbit

Is this journey your goal? If your SO was hit by a bus tonight, would you still follow through on your recovery?

There is a word for people who make their decisions based on someone else's emotional processes: Codependent.

I'm not here to diagnose you with anything. But I am here to say that codependency is not just a problem for women. It's a big problem for men, too. Your goals need to be your own. You need to have a clear sense of 'self' that is free from anxiety about what your SO is thinking/feeling.

When your 'self' gets inappropriately tied-up in someone else's 'self,' we call that enmeshment. The solution? Learn how to draw boundaries. Have interests independent of your SO's opinions. Pursue goals (like a reboot) so as not to need the approval or input from anyone else.

I would ask another question: Can you quit PMO?

I've posted it elsewhere on this forum. I don't think PMO itself is always the problem. For many of us, PMO is the tool we use to run from our real problems.

Discovering I had codependent habits in my romantic relationships was a huge eye-opener for me. That combined with some other self-evaluation helped me start addressing the emotional processes which I used sex and PMO to suppress. I still have a long way to go myself, but I wanted to provide that perspective in case it might be helpful.

 

This right here I feel is extremely important for everyone in relationships, not just addicts. My wife told me this same thing. It was a very hard pill to swallow, and did not make sense at first, but it has provided such a relief for me and my wife.

I wish you all the best!