I feel better when I relapse???

Some addicts use PMO as a coping mechanism, it's a common reason for the addiction to develop. It sounds like maybe you were confronting some of your behaviour while sober and struggling with that (I'm struggling with this very much right now). It's tough but I believe that you need to overcome this to truly recover.

 

Yes, I think I use it as a coping mechanism - PMO 'overides' everything else that is going on - in that sense, it is very much a 'drug' that your brain gets hooked on. Not a healthy loop - rather than dealing with the real issue - I go into the fantasy PMO world and convince myself that it's all fine.

 

You were going through a flatline. The only reason you felt better is because you had a PMO and got that dopamine rush your brain was yearning for. If you keep doing this, you will get stuck in a perpetual cycle of flatlining and PMOing, and you'll never reboot.

 

Yeah its called a flatline and its perfectly normal. I went through the same thing during one of my first few streaks when I made it 14 days. It sucks but I know things will get better. I have found that cold showers help with this. Maybe try drinking some hot tea to see if that helps, though I don't recommend coffee or energy drinks if they cause you to become overstimulated/jittery. Exercise also helps because of the way it releases endorphins.

 

Cold showers are good and if you have access to cold plunge pools - like a cold lake, or gym with cold pool - do that - there have been scientific studies that show these help with depression - same logic here. I used to use the one in my gym before the pandemic. Now I just dump ice cold water on myself on my balcony.

 

How's your flatline going btw - I'm entering the 14day flatline myself - not a good place to be.

 

When I'm PMO'ing I feel ok, not great but not terrible either. I still have crippling social anxiety, low self-esteem/confidence etc but my general mood is a 5/10. After a week or two clean my mood begins to deteriorate quite rapidly to the point where the thought of stepping out in front of a bus becomes quite appealing. This lasts about three weeks and then afterwards I go back to feeling 5/10 again, my hope is that over time this 5/10 will become 6/10 and then 7/10 and so on but I know that this will not happen overnight.

Whilst I feel ok on PMO I know that this isn't going to get me anywhere in life, I might not feel horrible like I do when I hit the withdrawal phase but I just don't feel anything at all. No motivation, no enthusiasm, I try and do things that are supposed to be fun but instead they feel more like a chore. It really is true when people say that watching porn turns you into a zombie.