Newbie, 23, ED, ZERO addiction to P, severe addiction to M

*It's a long ass story and I'd appreciate every single one of you who reads the whole thing and maybe give their opinion*

Hello everyone,

Unlike many of you (I suppose), I'm not addicted to porn. But god damn do I love jerking off.

To start off, let me tell you my story! Firstly I was introduced to jerking off by friends of mine at the age of 11 and since then It's been one of my go-to things to do in order to (unleash my natural instinct for sex?) have fun, relax or kill the boredom. Shortly after being introduced to masturbation, porn came to support it and that's been going on for over 12 years now. Almost every single day, sometimes up to 5-6 rounds (early teens) I'd jerk off to porn.

That was until I got a girlfriend at 16, and half an year after the start of our relationship, we did (try) sex for the first time and it was unsuccessfull, due to my anxiety-induced ED, which is kinda understandable. It all went OK after that and the following *6 YEARS* of my relationship with this girl were awesome. As for the sex, I was *ALWAYS* super horny all the god damn time, but she had some severe body image issues, so because of that, we had sex on average of once every 10 days. And of course, during the time I wasn't having sex with her I compensated with a lot of jerking off to porn. God, I was so horny that I'd jerk off an hour before we'd have sex, so I can last longer and (try to) make her cum.

Aaand that was until exactly 1 year ago when she dumped me. It was a great surprise to me and all my friends and family but it is what eet ees. Because of that I chased her (most retarded thing I've ever done in my life - DON'T DO IT) for half an year, but it didn't work out (thank god). During that time I was quite stressed as I was SO used to having a partner and sex (kinda often) for so long in my life. And as you'd expect I faced all that stress armed with an erection and tens of pornhub tabs. I absolutely abused porn, man..

When the Corona hit, I actually felt great, as I felt I was finally getting over my ex. When the lockdown was over and we went back to work I downloaded Tinder just for the fun of it. And of course, my retarded ass very quickly got into a brand new relationship and I had the feeling it was great, but right now man, I realize that I absolutely rushed it. When thinking about it, it must be because I needed to get back my confidence and prove myself that I'm worthy of a relationship. During the time we dated I felt super excited, it was something new and fun, and I could see that she liked me a lot, so I was confident as fuck, but my sleep schedule, all my goals and my focus on what's important went to hell. I definitely felt stressed all the time, but also excited and fun. At that time I was just telling myself I'm going with the flow and I shouldn't think about it all that much, and I didn't, I just enjoyed it while it lasted. I was so busy and out of time that I stopped working out (which I never do for more than 2 days) and I don't EVEN REMEMBER jerking off or watching porn.

So, 10 days in, we're kissing in the car at 4AM, I slide my hand over her inner thigh and beyond, but she stopped me. I was like, great, she's playing hard to get, I like this. We ended up arranging "Netflix & chill" for the weekend. The day came, I'm feeling kinda anxious, reminding myself of the last "first time with a girl", but I thought I'm way too experienced and mentally stronger than I was 6 years ago. At this point I think I totally supressed all my feelings and emotions and "armored" myself as a tough guy, and It did work. When we started I didn't feel anxious at all, I didn't think about a thing, actually, totally neutral. So I'm pleasing her orally for like 10 mins and then she tells me she wants "him" inside. I pull my pants down, and it's absolutely DEAD MAN. There's no sign of an erection at all. She asks me if everything is OK, and I'm still cool, like yeah, can you help me with this a bit? She gives me a few strokes but I realize there's 0 life in there man. I think that's when I kinda panicked for just a second and of course totally supressed it again. Felt super neutral, told her it's never happened to me before and we should try again later. She was like SUPER shocked, so I assured her that we can have some fun going to the pharmacy to get some (Veeagruuh), I felt that I MUST satisfy her that evening and thought that V would really help me. Well, nope, the thing even made me sleepy, so we slept. Right there I felt down man, I couldn't get it up and it started weighing down on me. That's when I turned my attention to my little guy and realized that I have a REALLY LOW libido, especially in the first few days after the unsuccessful try. The following times we tried something I'd either stop it, because I realized I don't have an erection, or while we'd make out I'd mostly think if it's hard or not, instead of enjoying the moment.. Since the first unsuccessfull sex attempt, I read a bit about ED and it made me realize that I overused porn and that was just enough for me to stop watching it altogether, guess I just wasn't THAT addicted to it. The thing is, I never stopped masturbating, I even started stroking my guy SUPER frequently, just to check if I'm able to get it up.

A few weeks passed before the second time we tried, and I could feel that she was upset and acting weird all the time. I knew it was because of my inabillity to have sex and It made me feel bad, but mostly it distanced me from her, because not once did she ask me how I feel, or how she could help, or just be understandable. She mostly acted shocked, agressive and upset, so I started thinking that even though I have my problems, I wouldn't want such a person as my partner. Only if she was super nice and supporting in those moments, things would've worked out, but it's better that it happened, so I know she's not the right for me.

After we broke up I felt much calmer, started getting in touch with my senses, focusing on my self-improvement again and reading that forum. Currently, I'm at the end of my 4th day of no O, and on the 4th week of no P. So, 0 problems when not watching porn, I just can't seem to stop checking if my guy is OK and ready for action, and when he's hard, I just ENJOY that I'm able to get it up and I end up edging.

Overall, right now it takes me quite some effort to reach an erection by my own, but when I finally do, it's VERY solid. The problem seems to be with arousal I think. I haven't had an erection that wasn't forced by me besides the morning ones. I can't possibly imagine having an erection without touching myself at this point, it's very sad..

It took me a lot of time to write this, as well as the effort of opening myself up to you guys, but I'm super determined to find the exact cause for my (I think PIED?) and have a normal sex life again. I'd GREATLY appreciate everyone reading this and sharing their opinion. Alright, guys, thanks for your time! Stay strong on your journey and good luck!!!

 

That helped me tremendously my dude.. Thanks so much. I feel that's exactly what I needed, so here it goes.. I'm determined to start 90 days no PMO right now. Will make a thread for my journal tomorrow first thing after work.

 

Just posted it man, feels like a great start, super motivated right now, thanks to you and a few more fapstronauts

 

Thanks so much for the wonderful insights! Not watching porn EVER again and absolutely fine without it, also after I unfollowed all the horny chicks in my feed, it's all clean and safe now. So I eliminated every kind of sexual distraction and that's check! Yesterday was my first day of no PMO and went surprisingly well and today I made my journal, feel free to check it out

 

Appreciated brother!