Chronologic reflection

Hey everyone, I've been around nofap community for about half a year. While at start I had a significant improvement (measured by relapes\setbacks), I believe now I'm about where I've started, with greater knowledge of course.
Relapsed a few hours ago, so I've decided to try to write my story with porn\sex compulsive addiction in order to vent my head and maybe discover some insights;

First, I was sexually active since a very young age; memories of my masturbating even when I didn't knew what it was (not with my hand). I was one of the first in my grade to evolve sexually, I know that due to pretty weird games that curious kids playing...

Another thing is that I think I've always was able to be turned on from male genitals. I never wanted to kiss or be in a relationship with a male, but I did "play" with other male friends when I was a young child (my earliest memory is from elementary school). I liked to call it "straight+" back then (never told anyone of course)

I think I was introduced to porn at about 10-11 years old, at one of my friend's home back then. actually, we were looking at Omegle, which was quite of a perverts paradise, and got excited from the thrill to see naked men and women.

I can tell for sure that, gradually, it became a habit for me to masturbate in those kind of sites, and then shifted to porn sites at least till I was 14. I was almost always alone at home after school and it became my routine, that seems automatically. I remeber how genres became more and more bizzare. I never enjoyed hardcore\sado shit, but it took a poly-genders-bodytypes disorted...

sometime at 2013 (I was 14) when I was at a video chat site, I was in a chat with a girl who convinced my to add her as a facebook friend. foolishly horny little boy as I was, i accepted her. A few hours later, she blackmailed my and copied all my friends list and asked to transfer money or she'll post vids of me naked and masturbating. Needless to say it was a fake girl account and I was chatting with an imposter who probably got a naked girl video.

Yup...

I remeber me report this accout a dozen times, screenshot the account and chat and send it to police internet investigators and beg them to remove this profile. I was so nervous. It went on like this for a week. I don't know how it happened, but the profile was deleted and the imposter didn't got me ever since, what a relief you must be guessing...

I do remember myself swear to never go to this sites again. But I didn't stop to watch porn.

Running forward to 12th grade, Im 17-18. I did came back to video chats online, mostly with males. I did try to stop a few times but with no success. I didn't knew nofap back then. Basically Im trying to stop ever since; with many time-counters, apps and failures. I want to point again that Im turn on by males genitals only and after I cum, I don't understand why Im turn on by this and wish it was a female instead. Weird shit right?

This year at March, I was introduce to Nofap, after a google search about how to stop watching porn. That was to first time i took my efforts to quit seriously. I had a motivation boost that led my to a great streak of 23 days (longest record since 2017 was 26 days, fucking sad), but, as I said at start, I feel like I'm back to square one.

I feel so possessed with this addiction, I still believe I can quit for good and considering profesional intervention on this.

If you've gotten this far, I'm really, really thanking you!
I would really love to hear any insights or suggestions you have (please no push ups, cold showers, willpower and all the worn out stuff)
Wish you all a meaningfull, happy and constructive journy <3

 

@TransverseWaves
Thank you for comment!
Glad to find out I'm not alone on this one...

I do a member in a 4 people's (whom from my area) whatsapp group and a facebook group. it does help but it ain't quite helpful in the stressfull\urges moments.

My situation is that right now I still live at my parnet's house so me get involved in a therapy sessions will force me to tell them where do i go (none of my family\friends know im struggling). I think it will be the true last resort after giving up; If I'll find myself out of my parent's home and still addicted, I will look out for a professional therapist.

I tried it a few times. it last for a week or two but in the heat of the moment, I always find a breach (uninstall the app, downloading another internet browser...). I also think that porn blockers are only a stamp on a wound and not a healing solution.

Im going to try an approach of just cutting a half of my use every month (right know its up to 10 times a month) and to change the goal from "being alpha|getting a girlfriend" kind of stuff, to just get rid of all this sexual orientation thing and to reveal my true sexuallity.
They say the more you dig into it it'll get worse so I need to do it one time and for all (so easy to say...)