Just had a counselling session with the worst 'kink positive' therapist ever, and it was hilarious!

WARNING - May be triggering

Just thought I'd share my experience with perhaps one of the most arrogant and biased sex therapists I have ever come across in my life. I really fear for people in need if this guy is exemplary of sex therapists out there.

Apologies for the very long winded background and subsequent story you are about to read haha.

My own personal struggles and realisations, and some valuable advice.

To give you all some context into my struggles, I have really been struggling with my sexuality, and thinking I'm gay, bisexual, to the extent that that every single day for a long time now has been just me worrying about my sexuality. Suffice to say, I'm pretty sure I have Sexual Orientation OCD (much better and more inclusive term than HOCD), as well as having a lot of other issues, including internalised homophobia, Aspergers Syndrome, and very low self-esteem. These are all most likely connected, so I am currently pursuing a 'holistic' approach to understanding myself.

So the reason I have been very worried about my sexuality is because I have had very intense sexual fantasies of me being very submissive to a much older stocky and hairy man, and pleasing him orally and anally. To be perfectly honest, these fantasies do cause me arousal, but interestingly, there is no innate attraction to the man himself, but more of me in the act if this makes sense. I don't really find men anywhere near as attractive when I calm and confident in myself, and right at this stage of my life, I really don't see me being attracted to men in any emotional or sensual way. Just doesn't do anything for me as men just aren't attractive to me in a normal context (or at least to the best of my rational mind). So on one hand there are these fantasies. On the other, there has been the long standing inability to get erections or maintain arousal when having vaginal sex with multiple women. I have been able to have normal sex with women, but on the whole, most of the women I have had sex with were one night stands, and I was either really drunk, or very anxious. So whilst I was able to get very aroused beforehand through kissing (which I loveeeeeee so much), and oral on me, it just wouldn't work with vaginal sex (but would with anal as not only is it tighter, but I also find it kinky, and I love a womans ass).

I may be wrong, but seeing how I have been a chronic porn user since the age of 13 (7/8 times a day, and my tastes escalated to some of the most hardcore and taboo genres), I may have become desensitised to so-called regular and vanilla sex. This would make sense as sex is often linked to eroticism, and if something has been done multiple times, it becomes less novel and more ordinary, limiting the eroticism of the act. Combine this with the fact that multiple failures have made me feel so depressed, anxious and totally emasculated, it's quite possible that my anxiety of not being able to get erect before I even try always prevents me from being able to get erect due to extreme fear and anxiety, combined with desensitisation. Just a theory of course, and one which I will seek to explore more with a therapist.

So the combination of not being able to perform with women who I genuinely find attractive (and who arouse me beforehand), and strong 'specific' erotic gay fantasies have really made me 'obsess' and 'question' my sexuality to extremely unhealthy levels, so much so that I have pretty much been disabled through non-stop overthinking, and depression. It got so bad, that I genuinely thought I was gay after non-stop analysing over my past history, and constant need to test myself, so much so that I actually came out gay to my Dad, Sister and Brother yesterday. But guess what, after feeling awful and like my life was over, I started to accept that this is who I was, and that it wouldn't make me a bad person as homosexuality is a perfectly normal thing. I then thought fuck it, let's give into my gay urges, so I got straight onto a gay dating app, found a guy who fit my fantasy, and started to talking to him and talking kinky with him, and with no shame at all, and with no anxiety. Guess what, the kinkiness and arousal of it then went away, and I was left thinking - hell, what the hell am I doing, this really isn't arousing now it's not taboo and I am much more sure of myself. Literally became totally indifferent to it all. Furthermore, I started to find women attractive again. Strange huh.

Anyway, the fact that I genuinely thought I was gay and even came out to my Dad, brother and sister (as I was so convinced, that I felt like this was the only way to find peace in my life), only to then not be so confident about it once I had finally accepted it and had a much clearer mind. If this isn't telling of how crazy sexual orientation OCD can actually be, then I don't know what is.

So hear this loud and clear guys - if you genuinely suffer from sexual orientation OCD (not all men on this forum do, and I suspect a few are prob in the closet, and my heart goes out to them), just know, that your mind and overthinking is your own worse enemy, and it will play tricks on you. Once again, this only applies to men who have serious levels of OCD, and whose past and current attractions do not line up with homosexuality or heterosexuality.

Now, over these last few days, I have come to the realisation that there is one key and overlapping mindset which the majority of men have on this forum, and one which I TRULY believe is not only the root cause of HOCD, but is also the solution when eradicated. It is internalised homophobia.

If there is one contribution that I can give to men who are indeed straight, but are suffering from HOCD, or bisexual and gay men who are in denial or ashamed of their sexual orientation, it is important to find a very understanding and unbiased counsellor who knows a lot about LGBT sexuality, and knows how to help overcome years of internalised homophobia through well thought out exposure response therapy and CBT. No, this is not me saying that you are automatically gay and need to accept your true self, but more learning that there is absolutely nothing wrong with homosexuality (it's scientifically proven to be natural, and it's only society being backwards which is the issue, but this is changing fast), and that being gay is literally not the end of the world, and that you are still you. It will even make you appreciate the strength and courage of wonderful gay people who had to go through years of mental and societal torture, and you will see them with so much more admiration and love the more you hear about their courage. These people never chose to be gay, but were born this way, so I salute them for having the courage to be their true selves.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that the moment your internalised homophobia is significantly improved upon (this can take some time, but not always) and you stop being scared of being around gay people, or being gay, you will become much more comfortable with your sexuality. No, it's not as easy as pretending to be comfortable - you have to learn to be naturally comfortable, and this will only happen the moment you truly don't see homosexuality as taboo or unnatural, and how it genuinely won't change how the good people around you see you if you were indeed gay or bisexual . Not only will this will help straight men who are very insecure and confused about their sexuality to realise that they are in fact not gay or bisexual, but it will also allow for gay or bisexual men to finally be accepting of themselves, and to realise that they are no different to their straight brothers and sisters besides such a petty and insignificant difference such as sexual preference. This is where I actually disagree with a lot of LGBT activists - we need to normalise homosexuality alongside heterosexuality so that people can finally come together under the banner of humanism and love.

Right, sorry for the blabbering guys, I'll get to the hilarious and outrageous counselling experience I had today.

The worst counselling experience I ever had

So after coming out as gay to my Dad, sister and brother, and learning to come to terms with it (only to then feel very confused as I didn't actually feel like a gay man once I had accepted it), I booked an appointment with a counsellor who was meant to be an expert in sex therapy and LGBT affirmative therapy, all with the hope that he could help me understand myself a bit more, and to also help me eradicate my internalised homophobia.

The moment I got on the call, I got a very arrogant and smarmy vibe from the guy, who spent a good 5 mins trying to come across as charming and funny, and this most likely would have carried on had I not interrupted him and suggested the best way to break down the session (elaborating on myself, my history and my current issues). So I did this for a bit, and due to the multidimensional aspect of my problems (OCD, low-self esteem, traumatic heartbreaks, porn addiction, gay sexual fantasies), I was really trying to give him all the information I could as they are clearly all linked to one another. I noticed that this therapist not only looked very bored when I was talking about my other issues, but suddenly interrupted me midway, and asked if we could go more into my sexual issues. I was a little annoyed, but thought I'd just ignore it and go with the flow, so I started to tell him how I had lots of frequent fantasies and urges related to submissively please a much older, chubby and hairy daddy figure (both orally and anally), and told him how this was the only gay fantasy I could get aroused to. I then quickly started to elaborate on my confusion due to the fact that I didn't find the men in my fantasies to be attractive per se (literally the man could have been ugly and quite grottesque, but if he fit the bill of a dominant old pervert, then it could get me off), and how I experimented once with a man of this description, and how the actual meet was nowhere near as arousing as the fantasy (I didn't feel that much at all). I also told him how it's women who catch my attention whenever I am calm, secure in myself, and who I naturally gravitate towards. Out of nowhere (once again), he then cut me off, and then asked me who I find attractive out of men and women. So I said that I find women far more beautiful and they are what I always gravitate towards when not overthinking, and was then was about to elaborate on how I don't find men sexually attractive in most contexts, only for this therapist to cut me off midway by saying "No, I am asking you who you find attractive", as if I was trying to find excuses to deny my attraction to men. I'm ngl, I wanted to hit this arrogant jerk there and there as I really felt like he thought I was lying to him, and how he was literally not interested in further context. For the record, this therapist was clearly gay himself (and no, this has nothing to do with him being an absolute dickhead), and right from the very get go, I felt like his mission was to get me say out loud "I am gay and I like men" without any probing or further understanding. Once again, I had told the guy that I had come out as gay to my dad and siblings, and was actually calm and comfortable in myself after the shame and fear had disappeared, but how I then was still confused as I still found women attractive, and really didn't feel gay after all. I'm going to say it how it is - the guy really hated how confident and secure I was in myself after I had mentally gave into the possibility of being gay, and how I suggested how I didn't feel so sure that I was gay after all.

Rudeness, bias and unprofessionalism aside, the guy also was no where near the expert he claimed himself to be on his website. Throughout the call, I would raise some interesting studies regarding sexuality and mental health (to get his thoughts on them), and in response, he would always feel the need to show off his knowledge of other studies, thinking that I wouldn't have a clue about them (it was clear that this was his intention). Not only did I read every study that he mentioned, but my comprehension of them really annoyed him, and so did my confidence and lack of sexual insecurity during the call.

Now this is the part which made me laugh. During the last part of the call, I started to elaborate on how I had a chronic porn addiction (as I felt it was relevant to tell him), only for him to then interrupt me once again by giving his views on it, which included not seeing chronic porn use as an addiction (yup, he did the typical "Not on the DSM-5 BS), but also elaborating on how he had a more 'kink and sex-positive' view on sexuality. Right from that very moment, I knew exactly where the conversation was going, and I then started to grin as it was all too predictable. He stared to go on a tangent about how fantasies are just a natural and healthy expressions of our sexuality, and how it is totally natural to masturbate to weirdly unconventional kinks and fetishes, so long as they aren't illegal or compulsive. This was the moment I was waiting for haha! I then cut him off, and said "So, by your logic, getting fucked by a dog and horse are natural expressions of some people's sexuality yh? I literally had this fetish as a teenage for a few months, and I can tell you, not once did I think it was natural or acceptable, and I no longer get aroused or masturbate to it". Once again, he didn't like the fact that I challenged him with confidence and certainty. We did however agree upon the fact that society is also to blame for being backwards when it comes to shame around homosexuality etc, but I made it known how I strongly disagreed with his rigid stance on all kinks being natural and healthy expressions of human sexuality. What an absolute load of crap haha!

The last few mins of the call then led to further showing off on his part (clearly expecting me not know about what he was talking about), and once again, me responding with comprehension and familiarity. This guy was a total narcissist haha! He then ended the counselling by saying "So you will learn that being gay is totally normal, and you will learn to really enjoy yourself for who you truly are". Haha, the absolute audacity of the man, especially since I told him how I was still very confused as I really didn't feel gay now that I had removed the fear of admitting I was gay, and how I was in no way being disingenuous either.

Just before he ended the video call, he asked me how the first session went, and of course I lied by saying it went well (I wasn't going to achieve anything by being honest and outing him for being arrogant and totally unfit for the job). He then asked me if I would be open to further weekly sessions, and even thought I wasn't, I did a little test by asking him if he would be ok with doing fortnightly sessions as I wanted to also have sessions with my other counsellor who was more specialised in OCD and Aspergers so as to have a more holistic and well rounded approach to understanding myself. Not only did this therapist say he only did weekly, but he literally tried to make me sound grateful and lucky to see him by stating that his prices were so much lower than other similar counsellors. Yes, the fucking prick actually had the audacity to equate low cost to good counselling (indirectly, but he clearly meant to do this to give me the impression that this was such a good deal for me).

We then stopped the call.

Concluding remarks:

Over the past few days, I learnt that not only is everything black and white, but how the mind is one of the most dangerously powerful things, and if not in a good mental and rational state, can play the most crazy and believable tricks on you. The brain is often not rational.

I also learnt (the hard way) that you may have to go through numerous therapist and counsellors in order to find someone who is understanding, educated, unbiased, and someone who knows what they are actually doing. I really dread to think how many straight men have been made to suffer even more by him rigidly saying that they are gay, and trying to get them accept it in a subtle, yet forced manner.

I'm also rapidly becoming a massive supporter and advocate of the LGBT community. Having seen lots of videos of the courage, love and decency of so many gay people who have had to fight an uphill battle for most of their life, it's really taught me that gay people are literally no different to straight people, and how love has no orientation. I hope I am soon comfortable enough to go and meet some gay people so that I can talk to them, make friends with them, and also learn more about their struggles.

In terms of where I am right now, if you were to ask me what I think I am sexual orientation wise (once again, I still need to do more therapy for OCD, sexuality so that I can gain a further and authentic understanding of myself), I would probably say that I am somewhere on the bi spectrum, but much more on the heterosexual side. I could be wrong, and find out that I'm actually pretty much straight, bi but homosexual leaning, or even gay (although right now, I really don't think so). But that's the beauty of getting the right therapy to counter Sexual Orientation OCD and internalised homophobia - you will soon come to be sure of yourself (or at peace with the fact that things will never be black and white, and that's ok), and for may, none of this will ever matter again to you. Fear is the root of all doubt, so if you remove the fear, the doubt will go away too. This will will take time, and I've only just started my journey of recovery and acceptance, but I am excited to know that this will also contribute to me being a better person in the process.

Hope you enjoyed the read guys, and I wish you all the best in your own recovery.

Much love to you all

 

Nope, when I feel good and confident in myself, they simply aren't there

 

Yh I have been analysing them of late, and it all seems to point towards a fetish relating to emasculation and feminisation. I may be wrong, but I think it call comes down to sense of low worth (my whole life), my toxic mum who made me unbelievably scared and anxious of homosexuality (the most taboo thing for me sadly), and having had my heart broken severely by two girls who I used to have this type of sex with (only in these instances, I was the dominant man).

I could be wrong, but I think it may be to do with the taboo nature of homosexual sex, combined with the fact that I can only get off if I am degrading myself by being submissive, and the only type of man who I would be able to feel feminine and submissive to is a much older, stocky bear type guy (masculine in my eyes). I've tried to fantasise with other types of men (much more conventionally attractive men for example), and literally can't get off at all.

And yh, it's the act of being submissive which is the real turn on, and once again, I can only be dominated (in my mind) by this type of man. A woman wouldn't be strong or masculine enough to dominate me tbh.

But yh, the fact that I have tried to act like a woman, and wear female thongs before tells me that this is very much a fetish which isn't natural per se, and has been shaped through a combo of early and late trauma, and over consumption of porn. If I found men attractive in a normal setting (as in, I can't keep my eyes off them in a sexual way), then it would prob be much easier to be honest with myself. But as of right now, I don't find men attractive apart from these erotic fantasies which are more to do with me being submissive.

The mind is weird.