I am obsessed. Are we obsessed?

Hello my name is OBY. I am a porn addict.
I remember the first time I tried "NoFap" I didn't even think I was addicted it was more towards trying to get rid of a bad habit while enjoying the "NoFap Benefits" people talked about.

My first time trying NoFap ever was 2.5 years ago. I was able to achieve one week. It was fun, it really was. I didn't think too much of it and whenever I was urged or wanted to fap it was all so simple. I said to myself: "Wait, aren't we on NoFap? yeah we're on NoFap so we can't fap today"
See? It was so chill and was so relaxing. I went for small goals like one week.

Fast Forward 2.5 years: All of a sudden I am binging (I didn't use to binge), I am thinking of any possible way to increase my streaks and break my record (16 days) there haven't been a single day in the last 8 months that I didn't think about NoFap. I grew obsessive towards stopping and it seems like the more I try to abstain the more difficult this becomes and the more addicted I all of a sudden feel.
I can't even get 1 day anymore my feelings are so conflicted that I hardly know if I want to commit or not because I am genuinely scared of committing. I am scared of saying this will be the last porn video I will ever watch.

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Yes. We have realized a problem with ourselves and it becomes an obsession to try and overcome it. The problem is something called "negative suggestion". We repeat to ourselves that we should not do something eg: "I must not masturbate" By doing this our mind is active with the imagery associated with masturbation which creates a strong drive to do exactly that. The word "not" isn't registered in the mind. Experiments have been done on this and it is a phenomenon of the mind. Personally, my longest streaks have been achieved when I simply stopped thinking about it altogether. We cannot overcome an addiction with a contradictory thought. One thought is trying to convince you to watch porn and another is telling you not to. This contradiction creates this struggle and we give in to it.

 

What should we do then? I mean you can't tell me not to think on something it doesn't work this way as much as I want it to work this way.
Is it more meditation? Is it changing the lifestyle? Is it giving up on streaks and living with it?

 

You explained it really good you nailed it.
I was thinking yeah. How about I try to "un-obsess" myself from no pmo by giving myself a break.
The past week or 2 I was already giving myself this break when I just failed everyday. But I think maybe I officially give myself a green light to pmo whenever urged; the only rule being not to bing and to do it as little as possible. You know what I mean? I will try to behave as if I don't know about nofap. I know for a fact that the anxiety of doing it or not will drop. I keep doing it for 7 days and then go for a small goal like 7 days nofap.

Just an experiment to see if I stop being as obsessive.
What are your thoughts?

 

To be honest, I haven't earned the right to answer this question. I was only pointing out a fact that is very easy to see. We want something but we also don't want it and it is this that creates confusion and conflict. I believe awareness is the most important aspect of recovery. It shines a light on the whole process, from the craving, to the action itself along with the thought process and body sensation that goes with it. I have found that through observation, it has become less compulsive. Observing without judging. If I do relapse, it is easier to let it go and so there is no guilt carried over because I have accepted the reality as it is and can move forward with more understanding. This is how I stopped thinking about NoFap. Instead of thinking about what I don't want to do, I placed my attention on the reality of craving itself. What it feels like in the body, how my thoughts react to the sensation and how my actions follow. It's a process of learning, a process of coming out of ignorance. We wouldn't pick up a hot coal if we knew it was hot.

Just observe

 

I took a 7 day break from NoFap. From the website from the accountability partner and behaved as if nofap did not exist (meaning I pmo'd here and there without guilt). It actually really helped me understand a lot of things.
The moment I realized porn is no longer in scarcity I stopped binging on it and its value dropped. I also got a job, finally in this one week experiment I was thinking about something other than no PMO and god damn it was relaxing; It lost its power basically.
Now me and my accountability partner are ready to take on a small challenge 7 day streak without too much stress.