My GF broke up with me, and I feel betrayed, although I am not better

Putting aside her betrayal, it is critical for you to realize that you cannot go into a relationship that you want to succeed with secrets, hiding, and refusing to be intimate. I am not talking about physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. If you do not talk, if you do not allow her to come to know you, to know your thoughts to be a part of your world, no relationship is going to have a chance of becoming deep and rewarding.

My husband let me see enough that I thought I was getting the whole picture. And yet we were still struggling to be physically intimate. I though the problem was me - that maybe I just didn't like sex enough or had made a big mistake. We had a lot of good times but there was also a lot of bad. I've now found out that he was hiding so much from me emotionally because he was worried about putting his burdens onto me and because he came from a family that never allowed him to feel or express anything other than happiness. He was not sharing, but I didn't know it, I just knew that when he wanted to have sex I could not get there, I did not feel connected to him enough to be with him and because of that things like exhaustion and stress from being a mother to young children, the experience was not going to be one of renewal and connection so I couldn't bring myself to do it. So he used that as an excuse to give into porn and made it all worse and now we have a horrible mess to clean up. But I am noticing on the days now even when we are fighting, where I am learning horrible things - for some reason I have the urge to be close to him, to be intimate. And it's because finally he is sharing himself. Sure we've made it a long time with all his secrets but we lost the potential to have been something amazing. He is so angry at himself realizing that HE squandered away years we could have been amazing.

I can see that you know a relationship won't work well so long as you are struggling with this. But you need to push yourself further and say, a relationship will not work if I am hiding secrets. It will not work if I am lying. It will not work if I am holding myself back. It's not okay that she moved on while she was still with you - but you went into this relationship holding back and keeping secrets. She made a poor choice moving on in a very hurtful way to you, but you also made a very poor choice to intentionally give her a shadow of a relationship instead of a full one. All the sweet actions you did are wonderful - BUT SHE WANTED YOU. You can do all the actions in the world, but if you are not engaging fully emotionally, they will not hold up a lasting relationship. It's like trying to keep a fire going with just kindling. If you want it to burn for ages you're going to have to throw a log of substance in there.

I would urge you to work on yourself, to get therapy to the point that even if you are still struggling, you are at a place where you can talk about your struggle when a girl who you think is worth it comes along. Because if you keep hiding it, you are just going to cause pain - both in her and in yourself.

 

This could not be farther from the truth. And it sounds a lot like porn talking. The best way to know what a woman wants is to ask her. To engage. To be open and honest so that you can grow with the right woman. Women want to know their man and have him know her. A full exchange.

 

So many men on this site have so much negativity for women. There is a truth here that is undeniable. The only way to overcome this is to RESPECT women. If we respected women we would not objectify them through pornography use, masturbation, seeking prostitutes, etc.

We do NOT need to be Alpha Males. That indicates a hierarchy. There is no hierarchy in a healthy relationship. It's a true partnership.

Women do want guys who are respectful. Anyone who says otherwise is absolutely lying. Sometimes we associate a boring guy with a respectful guy. To achieve true manhood is to be kind, to be patient, to serve, to respect, to work hard, to put others needs before your own, to have and use self control, to be in control of what you think, to think before you speak, to act intentionally not reactionary, etc. You can do all those things are be funny or charming or quiet or personable or reserved.

If you have a problem with women, you are going to have a REALLY hard time beating this. It took me years to figure this out, save yourself sometime. I haven't looked at pornography or masturbated in over 5 years. Anyone else who has significant recovery feel free to disagree with me here.

To the OP (original post). It hurts. But it seems like for your responses you have developed a healthier view. Your both people. You need to get your pornography usage under control BEFORE you enter into another relationship. It will always end up with the same outcome if you don't, hurt and pain.

 

I am not sure what's worse, man. The fact that she broke up with you or the fact that your self esteem is six feet under. Maybe that's one of the reasons she left you. From the story you told us above I can figure that she was completely ok with you until she noticed that you weren't ok with yourself and that's a huge turn off man. You should access https://www.spiritualunite.com/articles/category/twinflames/ and learn some tips about loving yourself. Girls don't seek perfection they just want a soulmate.

 

Hey man

as an outstander i can only advice you to do the following thing:

- increase your confindence


Thats it!!


How?


Work on yourself!!!!




how??



Stick to nofap
Go to the gym
Eat healthy
Have good sleep
FOCUS on job/study/dream/...


These are the 5 things I advice you to do and it WILL improve your life and after a while you WILL walk the streets and think im superman, these women need me, i dont need these women.. because you are special because you are working on YOURSELF and THAT is something really difficult in 2020 as everyone is focussed on third part things and not onthemselves..


piece fella

 

She was really interested in you to the point that she fell in love with you. But you didn't love yourself an feel that she was to much for you. You feel that you didn't deserve her and every-time this happens you start to act accordingly and she start to notice that and end up giving you the reason that she can do better and eventually dump you.

Totally codependent. You have to love yourself and your life, a woman should only be a plus in your life. A person that you can share your happiness and she can share hers to you. But no... you weren't happy, you were in a bad place when you meet her and that is what you brought to the relationship and that is something that every happy person will run away from. After 8 months yes did it..

I agree with you in this, you are in a bad place. is not the best place to start a relationship.

Woman are not stupid at all, they have a really developed sense to feel when something is wrong with you. I think it's fine that you keep it to yourself, it's something to share with your male friends or family, not your woman.

This is what every guy/girl feels when they feel they don't deserve the other person. And they feel that if her girl/buy dump him/her they are not going to find no one as good as him/her. Feeling like that is going to make you act needy and no person in the world want to date a needy person.

You didn't have a relationship. You said it yourself "But i never wanted a relationship". While you were casually dating she fell in love with you and I sure she tried to move to something more serious but you couldn't do it. Her needs weren't met with you and eventually met another guy she was interested in and dump you. She is the typical girl that before dumping a guy seduce another guy so she can change one guy for another and avoid to be alone, she prefer to "cheat" and break your hart instead of breaking up with you and after a few months of been alone start to date another guy. That is a red flag from her part, she is not loyal when things are not going well with a guy so be glad that you dodged a bulled, she is not girlfriend material.

You were the typical nice guy that always finish last. Man that don't value themselves try to convince the other person to stay with them with gifts.. money.. etc. Only woman that want to take advantage with you are going to be happy with a guy that buy them stuff, woman are going to be in love with guy that act like real man. Not weak guys that put woman in a pedestal and put them first even from themselves.

She "cheated" on you after you treat her right.
1- Isn't she the one that f*k things up? aren't the one that need to win another chance with you??
2- Why would you give her a chance?? she cheated on you!! she is no girlfriend material at all. Be glad that you share 8 months with her and now it's another mans problem!! it's a fact that when this new guys don't met her need again she is going to cheat on him to.. is the way she is, be glad that she is not part of your life anymore.

Change for good for YOU. you are the most important person in the world for you. if you became that, the next woman in your life is going to enjoy your happiness.

You were not enough for her. That's it. there are a lot of girls that think like her a lot that you are enough. the important thing here is... are you enough for yourself?? if not then change so you became enough and happy of yourself. never evaluate your worth according to another persons expectations.

Do it, but for you. Good luck!

 

So let me get this straight...you betrayed her from the very beginning by lusting over other women and having sex with yourself while looking at them and fantasizing about them, but you feel betrayed because she knows her worth and expects to be valued in her relationships.

Do what you have to do to get yourself clean and stay that way, then see if she is willing to open that door again. Accept the answer if she is not. She is not the betrayer here.

 

I disagree with your observation and rationale.

From what I understand from the entry made by @Jonny1992 , the girl started going out with another guy while she was in a relationship with him.

Do you think her action of going out with someone else is justified merely because the man consumes porn?

Does that mean that it completely right and justified for a porn addict's SO just hang out with some random guy and give up on the current relationship merely because he is addicted or because of his insecurities?

In this case I'm not questioning her decision to break-up, but I'm concerned the way she treated the man while in relationship.

I understand that the pain the woman feels when she learns that her man is hooked to crap. Maybe she is stressed and wishes to move on. And maybe her decision to move on was completely justified.

But the humane thing she could have done, was to communicate to him her desire to end the relationship before pursuing another.

The girl's action suggests that she gave up on this man, in the least Honorable way by being available to another man with the relationship subsisting. And only later did he realize that she went to vacation with that man! Her behavior was inconsiderate and plain insensitive!

Put yourself in the situation of this man, how would you have felt if your SO did this to you?

Nobody is perfect, everyone has good their good side and wicked side. But when it comes to relationship, don't you think it was best if she could have shown the sensitivity to communicate her intention clearly?

Her attitude clearly lacks integrity!

@Jonny1992 I admire the fact that you chose to work towards being committed to your woman. I admire the fact that you was willing to tenderly care and provide for your woman. And I congratulate for the fact that your attitude towards her was humane and you did not objectify her or thrash talk.

Believe that whatever happens happens for the best. And stick to your values no matter what.

Maybe you may find and get into relationship with woman who is porn addict, fucking herself and other men in front of pixels, afraid to share with you her fears because she don't want to lose you. You sense something is wrong and something is not working. In such situation, make sure you communicate to her your intention to end the relationship instead of hanging out with another woman and abruptly saying good bye to her, like the girl did. May her actions remind you how not to be.

And I'd say to get your shit corrected and be in control of your life before you find a woman. It is best to quit your addiction first, stay clean for atleast a year before building relationship.

You made the mistake of being ambiguous because you did not enter into relationship with full certainty. It was like you knew you don't want to be in relationship till you have overcome your addiction, yet you really desired building intimacy with this woman. The best thing you could have done was to communicate what you are going through. Don't abstain from communicating your truths in the fear of losing her. A woman worth settling with will understand and help you. At least there will be a clarity.

And don't harbor hatred towards women just because that girl acted this way. Not all women are like that.

Be yourself, establish and communicate your values and may you find a woman who shares the same ideals as that of yours.

I'd say that "The way of the superior man"- by David Deida is a good book in understanding yourself and relationships.

Good Luck brother. Keep healing and keep growing!

 

How is her cheating any different than him cheating?

 

@EyesWideOpen Ah! So you are saying she cheated because he was "cheating" by consuming crap in the first place and therefore what she did was the right thing and completely okay and justified?

You know there are women who are struggling with porn addiction too.

Let us assume that a man gets into relationship with woman who is porn addict, who is fucking herself and other men in front of pixels, afraid to share her fears to her man because she don't want to lose him.

You think that in this situation it is alright for the man to cheat on her because she is "cheating" on him by consuming porn anyways?

 

My quick summary:
1. PMO and cheating are not equal.
2. You are better than your ex.
3. There is a hierarchy in man-woman relationship.
You have lost her because you have lost in a balance of significance: she was interested more in the beginning (that’s healthy relationship), but then you became more interested and put her on a pedestal.
4. It is good that you made such mistake, because she is a cheater.
5. Now you are more experienced and can educate yourself in this area.

P.s. never ever take cheater back, if she contacts you say go f yourself (at least inwardly). And ofc don’t try to contact her, delete everything related and stop monitoring

P.p.s. Stop pmo (it is one of factors which make you needy and submissive towards women)

 

They might not be exactly equal, but pmo is as devastating and it is a form of cheating. I am currently dying inside due to discovering that my husband was doing this. Dying. We made vows to only be with each other and this is most certainly as if he had been with them for me. I'm supposed to be entering the time in my life where I am so confident in my body because of my husband choosing only me, me being enough and wonderful to him. Instead, I want to die and hate every last inch of myself. And it's not like it was just one woman that lured him, it's thousands who were better than me. He could have decided that my body was what he wanted each night, instead he went down the hall to choose a new tartlet each night. An affair might have been easier.

This sounds like either the 50s or porn talking, maybe both. Not to mention this doesn't even make sense. No matter what he was doing porn. If she'd been more interested the whole time, he was still being unfaithful and doing porn, she was never going to fill all that he wanted no matter what she did. Relationships are supposed to be balanced. This didn't work because porn was in the picture taking away his ability to be emotionally intimate with her. In order to do porn and focus on himself he would have had to have pushed her away, minimized her in order to keep hurting her that way. Only psychopaths can keep someone super close and hurt them at the same time. While she should have ended it first and then moved onto someone new, the point is that she wanted a full relationship not an empty one.

 

Nope, not saying her cheating was okay by any means. I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy that he feels betrayed when, in fact, he was betraying her their entire relationship.

 

@used19 and @EyesWideOpen thats your emotions talking, I feel sorry that you are (or were) in such a position in your marriage.
BUT considering OP - he was doing PMO before and continued to do it after they met, we don’t know if they had a regular sex life or lived together, so don’t compare it with cheating, it’s like to say ‘it’s completely ok that she cheated on him he was a heavy drinker, so it’s his fault’.

As @black_coyote supposes imagine vice-versa she was a porn user and he cheated on her, what would you say then and would you take his side?

 

Nope that’s nature.
Women are relationship oriented (one of the first priorities), men are not, they have higher priorities in life. That’s nature/evolution, that’s how we are created.
So men should go after some goals like career, finances, peace all over the world etc. and only during his ‘way’ he meets/choses woman. Woman should be bothered by finding the right man from the early on.

 

Wow. Keep deluding yourself.

 

Reread your post and WOW. That’s hilarious ‘see if she is willing to open that door again’

 

English is not this guys first language so it’s actually confusing if his girlfriend actually cheated while in the relationship. He mentions she “ had a relationship, wanting to learn to dance from the guy” and he says while in the relationship but then she found a new guy shortly after breaking up. So, I’m not 100% certain she cheated while in the relationship, if so she was wrong. However, he was for certain betraying her in the relationship. I do know, that most men, will justify their porn use of their so doesn’t want sexual as much as they go. That most men, minimize the impact their pmo has on the relationship, which is ever bit as destructive as a physical affair. If I steal a bike , get caught, the consequences isn’t nearly as bad as if I steal a car, but both are stealing. However if the person whose bike I stole used that as transportation and lost his job because he lacked transportation, to him it’s every bit as bad as if you had stolen a car. It’s how the person whose been offended feels, not how the perpetrator feels.