1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

My GF broke up with me, and I feel betrayed, although I am not better

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jonny1992, Aug 19, 2020.

  1. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

    557
    989
    93
    Well then by your reasoning, maybe she didn't cheat on him either. Maybe they didn't have a verbal agreement that they weren't going to see other people.

    Some women might be totally fine with their partner's using porn (I think they are deluded, it's not good for anyone). But there are a lot of us that consider it cheating.
     
    Jonny1992 and EyesWideOpen like this.
  2. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    278
    361
    63
    Thanks for constructive discussion.
    Yeah sure, we don’t know all the details, but all I want to say that PMO and cheating (so also the question is if they were in a relationship) are not equal, not relationship wise (nor in any of the main religions) and that’s why I am saying that what she did to him (again if question) is a way worse.
     
    Jonny1992 likes this.
  3. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    278
    361
    63
    Case closed.

    I think that his addiction has almost nothing to do with this, its just the way she is (not a girlfriend/wife material) and him being too nice and needy at certain time of the relationship = cheating/breaking up.
    So don’t try to rationalize her behavior.
     
    Jonny1992 likes this.
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    4,195
    7,774
    143
    I did not rationalize her behavior. I pointed out inconsistencies in his statements about the relationship. His first language isn’t English, so I’m not 100% sure that he meant she was actually cheating. Maybe she was, which is totally wrong. Again, I know what he said, but further down he says she wanted dance lessons from the guy, and that very soon after the breakup she got together with a guy. Either way, if you pmo and you think you’re not cheating, chances are your so will think it’s cheating and your relationship will suffer. It’s a betrayal.
     
    Jonny1992 and EyesWideOpen like this.
  5. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    278
    361
    63
    Agree with you, relationship will suffer for sure and I am against PMO 100%, but again, me, personally, I see myself being able to forgive PMO, but real life cheating - never.
     
  6. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

    557
    989
    93
    I think pmo allows circumstances to be considered a little more than an affair. If my husband and I DIDN'T have children, I would have kicked him to the curb. He's lucky I didn't find out he was doing it when we were engaged. But we have 4 children now. I owe it to them, not him, to see if I can stomach it to stay.
     
    Psalm27:1my light and Jonny1992 like this.
  7. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    I see. I totally agree.

    Your words "She is not the betrayer here" from the earlier post, for me, seemed to imply that you were justifying what she did.
    I now understand that you did not mean to justify what she did.

    what the girl did was not okay, but what the man was doing is not okay either.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2020
    Jonny1992 and EyesWideOpen like this.
  8. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    This is one of the greatest post i read. Really. Trying to get read of PMO is a big help to be able to open myself up. I already changed a lot and I start to become better and better. I saved your comment in my Smartphone to read it again and again to think about it. To learn to take responsibility for myself, so that my future gf/wife wonßt have issues with herself. That is a really good way for a healty relationship. I can talk easily about my feelings and inner world. I could not with guild and shame or when I relapsed. Thanks to a therapist I could leave my past behind and one success is, I am free from camgirls (50days) and a woman[80day] (not my exgf) who ruined my life.

    If you felt that the connection was weak, it is not a reason for your husband to do PMO, instead he can try to strenghen your bond.

    You hit a point, she wanted me, but she did not gave me a second chance, so I try to learn from this situation, to make it different, next time.

    thank you for your post.
     
  9. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    The full exchange sounds very nice. I noticed that she kept also secrets from me. After all this I have the feeling that she wanted me to be open, but she was not herself open.
     
  10. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    You are right respect is important and a true partnership, where Woman and Man are equal. For me it is not the low respect for woman, it is a valve, or a way, to cope with stress, stress situations or hurtful emotional feelings, altough PMO only makes it short better. After PMO I feel worse. The book, Nice guys, start to helpo me to understand, that a good relationship can be achieved if you love yourself. Without self love you can not give love. And PMO takes it away.

    netherless I will wirte it down as a goal, To work on myself to be more respectful to woman.
     
  11. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    My Porn Addiction is bad, my betrayal with camgirls is bad, thanks to the therapist i learned, the reason was strong guilty feelings, that I turned back. it was not that she was not "good enough" I loved her, but not myself and I only saw my past and my mistakes: that is the reason why I turned to camgirls, I gave myself up. I thought I don´t have a chance for anyone, for my friends, for god, and for family. Now that I got rid of it I do not engage with camgirls anymore.

    She did not the same problems as me, but she was regualry walking with the other guy and did not tell me anything. If she wanted to break up earlier she should not have kept me warm, til he was ready for the relationship. And now I know, it doesn´t even bother her. She broke up with me, and has a happy life with him, and I kept blaming myself and crying. I never wanted to get in touch with PMO. Now I get tid of it.

    I work step by step on self love.
     
  12. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    Sticking nofap does not go well, but other goals.
    3-4 time to the gym.
    No sugar no alcohol for the last 30 days.
    Sleep a lot, but still not to the right time.
    Focusing on selfimprovment, but not work.
     
  13. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    Well, I suffered psychical problems, It is not that she was not good enough. I learned now, I did mistakes, she did mistakes.
    And now I try to elimate my mistakes, to change myself, and respect her right how she wants to live. It is not easy, I am often very sad or angry, but I am changing.

    thank you for your words. I betrayed her, yes, but she also was not faithful.
     
  14. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    Thank you also for your post. I wanted to be honest with her, but I also was afraid to lose her. I tried many things to change myself, while I was in the relationship. read many information about addiction and habits. Wrote everything down. At the same time I helped many other people. The truth is, I ran away from myself, while helping other people and not myself.

    Now I work on self love, and do less for others. First to have a healthy relationship to myself. Then A relationship to a woman, where I am free of PMO and other negative things. And build up a lot of good habits, to make sure, I will be a good husband.

    Thank you for your words, and thank you for protecting me and showing, what would have been if it is the other wa around.
    for @EyesWideOpen it is her justice feeling. We all want justice. I hope you don´t get it wrong.
     
  15. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    To the 3 Point, The Psychologist said to me, that in the end, she controlled my feelings and I was not aware of it, she was. And that is not a true relationship, until you are in a sado masochist relationship. This is human unworthy.

    I deleted everything and have already 6 weeks no contact. I don´t think she will contact me. And thank you for the advice to not take a cheater back. Thank you.

    her parents are sometimes contacting me. But it does not help my recover, I try to stay away, and it gets better. they would have liked me as a son-in-law.
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  16. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    I wish I would have a pure heart like you, and I am working on it. And if i read your posts, it hurts my heart what you are going through.
    What he wrote is not for me a 50s or porn talking. It is not right for the man to think he is higher than a woman. And for a woman it is not right, to think she is higher than the man. It is not equal thinking. If you cherish her higher than yourself, and she cherish you higher, this is beautiful for me. In both cases is self love needed.

    You may be right that I was/am a psychopath. And it hurts. I never wanted to be a psychopath or a bad guy. Always a good guy. For me my addiction is a way to compensate with lack of self love. And until I build a solid basis for a relationship. i will start a new one.

    thank you for your honest words, altough they are hurtful.
     
  17. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    Yeah I betrayed her, but not with real life people and connected to them step by step closer. This was a no go for me. And honestly:
    I tell myself: i also betrayed her, I am not better, why does it still hurt? I don´t have the right to be hurt, because i did not better.
    The difference I did it out of a psychical problem, not because I wanted to cheat. I wanted to be faithful and worked my ass of. And i learned that I did it all the time wrong. Now i do progress. She never was in an addiction.

    Hypocrisy would be: I was faithful, she was not failthul. That would be Hypocrisy. i told everyone here. I had problem and I made mistakes. I did not hide them. I hid them from her, because of anxiety to lose her completely. I don´t know if this is an excuse.

    The thing that hurt a lot, was: She would not give me a second chance. I wrote all down what bothered her, and made a goal to change the person that I am, and I am changing. And now, through a lot of friends, who also know her, I notice that many things, that she blamed me with, she is not doing it herself. That is hypcrisy for me.
     
  18. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    Thank you for that comment. If I kill someone then you can also kill someone. If you kill someone is it right for me to kill someone? No.
    If she cheated on me with porn or camguys, altouhg she is fighting with all her might against it, do I the right and continue with her by playing with her feelings and crush her by suddenly saying: I love you, you have beautiful eyes, and by a way, I am now on a date and will call you tomorrow?

    That is what she did to me, without pain and thinking about myself. I always thougth about herself and tried to help her in her live.
    She threw me away like an overused Dildo. I did not threw her away, I wanted to keep her and do everything right and change myself.

    And we did not live togehter and had no sex. Kinda wanted to wait for the marriage... Someone taught me, if i can wait until I am married and she also, we have a stronger basis for a strong faithful relationship cause we could control ourselves. If not she or I might think, I she sleeps with me so fast after a short time, with whom she will also do this. This also counts for the male partner.
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  19. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    I don´t think that is true. I want a best friend by my side.
     
  20. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    She did not sleep with him. But was not telling me, that she had a regular contact with a guy who was interested in her. It is the same for me as cheating. Like for you watching porn is cheating. For me watching porn is cheating. And if a woman doesn´t want as much sex as the guy, porn is not an excuse.

    She and me did both wrong. I was honest to her when a woman fell in love with me, altough i was only nice. I told her that, and then told the woman that I have a gf. She did not tell me that.
     

Share This Page